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Originally Posted by Sealife
Update here. I sent some letters to continue exposing my WW. I also need to update some family members who thought it was just an emotional affair. I am waiting to go back home to talk in person with my mother-in law, she is very depressed after I told her why the come back. My father-in law is neutral, I understand is his daughter.

My WW is in the withdrawal process, still struggling so I am very clear she still in the fog. After reading some of the communications she had with the OM it is obvious this guy was just playing with her. She thought there was a future with the coward but the OM is making her clear he was not planning on any long term commitments. I always told my WW since my first suspicions that the OM was a player.

I hope you have followed through and exposed him at work and to his parents and family on facebook. He is just the type of dirtbag OM who a) is a coward and is easily run off but b) who is arrogant enough to continue using your wife if you don't punch him and punch him HARD. He is the type who thinks its funny to destroy your marriage.

You need to take him out HARD now so he won't be hanging around in the future.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Thank you everyone for your fast responses. I am planning on keep doing plan A. I asked the question because I asked myself how long is enough? I want to stay married to my wife, but I can't keep thinking if she is really ready for married life since it is just 5 years of marriage and she betrayed me.


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It is very likely he has done this in the past and will do it again in the future if he is not held accountable. Exposing him to his family and friends means someone will call him out and hold him accountable in the future. Everyone should know what he has done. His parents should have your contact information in case this starts up again.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by Sealife
Thank you everyone for your fast responses. I am planning on keep doing plan A. I asked the question because I asked myself how long is enough? I want to stay married to my wife, but I can't keep thinking if she is really ready for married life since it is just 5 years of marriage and she betrayed me.

She betrayed you because she has poor boundaries around men. Most people have very poor boundaries around the opposite sex and just don't understand the risks. 60% of marriages experience affairs for this reason. We will help you correct all the problems that led to this affair. We will help you affair proof your marriage and restore the romantic love.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by Sealife
Thank you everyone for your fast responses. I am planning on keep doing plan A. I asked the question because I asked myself how long is enough? I want to stay married to my wife, but I can't keep thinking if she is really ready for married life since it is just 5 years of marriage and she betrayed me.
My wife first betrayed me in the first year of our marriage. We survived. Then she betrayed me again at year 30. We survived that one, too. It would have never happened if MB had existed for us to follow the first time.

So, we are proof that your marriage can make it.


me-65
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married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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Thank you MelodyLane:

You are 100% correct. She call anyone a friend and is not very selective about who becomes her "friend". This is the first time I know she get involved in an affair, but we always have the same issue about being careful who take as a friend, either men or women. She struggle with the idea that marriage is first.


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Yes, the OM is the type of person that does not take life seriously, I can tell that from his FB profile and the way he act around other women. My WW and the OM were FB friends, that is over she blocked him, but it was very clear all this time that he knew she was married.


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Originally Posted by Sealife
Thank you MelodyLane:
This is the first time I know she get involved in an affair, but we always have the same issue about being careful who take as a friend, either men or women.

And see, being careful won't prevent an affair. The thousands of people on this forum have learned this the hard way. The risk emerges when people have friends of the opposite sex. That is not a careful practice because that is how affairs begin. This was her first time, but one time is all it takes. frown

Check this out: The Risk of Opposite-sex Friendships in Marriage


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by Sealife
Yes, the OM is the type of person that does not take life seriously, I can tell that from his FB profile and the way he act around other women. My WW and the OM were FB friends, that is over she blocked him, but it was very clear all this time that he knew she was married.

I would ask her to eliminate facebook. What you will find is that she stays in the fog from gawking at his facebook page. It takes 2 seconds unblock someone. That will be a constant temptation that will prevent her withdrawal. Here is the checklist from Survivng an Affair:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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OP has avoided doing the OM and WW work place exposure.

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Who have you exposed to on OM's side?

Did you expose to their job?

Did she write a NC letter and you send it to OM?


FWW/BW (me)
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Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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His parents barely speak any English, and his friends know. We are sending the NC today, where can I find a template for the NC letter?

Is mentioned a lot in this forum how WW hide things by opening secret email accounts, well guess what? I found out this week the OM was opening different email accounts using my WW friends names to try to keep the communication going. So, when I thought she was talking to one of her GF it was really this OM.


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I guess my situation is a little bit more complicated since my WW affair happened in a foreign country. But we changed plans and we are leaving sooner. Hopefully we will sort things out after we arrive back to the US.


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Originally Posted by Sealife
His parents barely speak any English, and his friends know. We are sending the NC today, where can I find a template for the NC letter?

Is mentioned a lot in this forum how WW hide things by opening secret email accounts, well guess what? I found out this week the OM was opening different email accounts using my WW friends names to try to keep the communication going. So, when I thought she was talking to one of her GF it was really this OM.

Originally Posted by JustUss
(From SAA, page 58)

OM,
I want you to know that out of respect and love for my H and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that H did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay H for the pain I have caused him, I will do my best to become the wife he has been missing. I care a gread deal for miy family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely,

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Originally Posted by Sealife
His parents barely speak any English, and his friends know. We are sending the NC today, where can I find a template for the NC letter?

Is mentioned a lot in this forum how WW hide things by opening secret email accounts, well guess what? I found out this week the OM was opening different email accounts using my WW friends names to try to keep the communication going. So, when I thought she was talking to one of her GF it was really this OM.

Sealife, I am hopeful that you followed our advice and have exposed to his workplace, his parents, friends and family. You have a very small window of time to run this dirtbag off or he will be hanging around for YEARS. The no contact letter will have no meaning if your wife continues to contact him.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Sealife
But we changed plans and we are leaving sooner. Hopefully we will sort things out after we arrive back to the US.

That is a good step, but it will take more than this to kill this affair. Affairs can be conducted over the internet for YEARS. YEARS. And this will prevent the recovery of your marriage.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by Sealife
His parents barely speak any English, and his friends know. We are sending the NC today, where can I find a template for the NC letter?

Did you personally tell his friends? Did you personally tell his parents? If not, you have NOT EXPOSED THIS AFFAIR. You can use an interpreter to inform his parents.

You need to expose this affair, Sir. Sending a no contact letter will be of little value if he is still hanging around contacting your wife. A no contact letter is only a letter of intent that is only as valuable as the intentions of the sender. Since your wife has no intention of ending her affair, you can expect this douchbag to continue to try and get through.

If you want to skip exposure, then welcome to a future death of a thousand cuts! We are warning you!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Hi Melody:

Sorry for the delay, yes I notified everyone. MY WW has been depressed, and very ambivalent. Sometimes happy, sometimes crying, sometimes she said she wants to rebuild our marriage, sometimes said she needs an alternative plan. The sad part is that I caught her trying to contact the OM again. I confronted her and she gets very angry at me and started crying, telling me she doesn't want to be that person.

We are moving back to the US in two days and now she is telling me she is not sure about our relationship. Honestly, I don't know what to do, I am feeling like a doormat.


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Originally Posted by Sealife
We are moving back to the US in two days and now she is telling me she is not sure about our relationship. Honestly, I don't know what to do, I am feeling like a doormat.

She is still in serious withdrawal from the OM or may still be in touch with him. If you can assure contact is cut off, she will come back. Just stick to the plan and keep watching her like a hawk!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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My WW ask me today to discard the evidence of her communications with the OM. According to her, it would help me heal faster. Should I keep the records?


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