Hi, I'm new to this forum and need some perspectives/advice on my situation. A little bit about us..I have been married for 5 years, and we dated over a 1 year in a long distance relationship. We first met online and I thought that our marriage was stable. The normal ups and downs but in general I always thought we were in a good,stable and caring relationship. We both grew up in conservative families and we shared a lot of common interests and future dreams. We have no kids,we are financially stable, middle-upper class family.First marriage for her, second for me.

So, we always dreamed about travelling. Two years ago, my company gave me the opportunity to move to a different country for a temporary assignment. We were both really excited about this new job. Better salary, new location. After 7 months things started to change and my wife happiness was going away. She started complaining, crying and getting very depressed about not having friends. I asked her if she wanted us to go back home. Her answer was no,she wanted to stay to support my career. Eventually, she decided to look for a job to have a distraction. Her new job was perfect, she started going out and making new friends.

The roller coaster-Everything started with a gut feeling..excessive time at the computer, large cash withdraws from the ATM,excessive preoccupation with her appearance, etc. I first thought I was insecure, after checking our emails I found the first symptom that something was going on. I found these inappropriate conversations with a co-worker. He was inviting her to his place for some "private" time. I was in shock and in denial. I confronted her and I received the usual response, "it is just a friend". We talked about it and she agreed to establish boundaries with this "new friend". The problem is that as I discovered later, she already had feelings for the OM. The OM initially agreed to keep distance but my WW keep obsessed about keeping him around as a "friend".

My first mistake, I thought things were getting better.. She suddenly started caring more about me, going out more often together, more intimacy etc. The "improvements" lasted just a couple of days. Suddenly she was getting mad every time I wanted to go out with her. So, I decided to test the waters.. she wanted to go out and do some "shopping" while I stayed at home. After she left our house and I went out to check her whereabouts, as expected, I saw my WW getting into the car with the OM to go to his place. I called her, confronted her and my WW turned off her cell phone.

After she returned back to our house she said "it is not what you are thinking". My second mistake, believing her lies. I asked her to leave the job and she was in total denial. I talked to a friend we have in common at her job and he told me they were going out for lunches, holding hands and all that stuff. I decided to make radical changes. I took a big decision, I quit my job of 10 years and decided to go back to the USA. I told our families about her affair. She saw me packing and her reaction was to run and stay with the OM. She can't stay in the foreign country since I am sponsoring her, I explained that to her so she decided to "try" and stop the affair. She resigned from her job and in 6 more days were are going back home.

After my WW resigned from her job she was remorseful and said she is willing to save our marriage. But affairs as Dr. Harley explained are just like addictions. She stopped contacting the OM for a few days. She talked to him that it was over but still after that, I found she had been trying to contact him (opening secret email accounts). In one of her last communications she still insist to the OM about how she would like to keep contact with him even after moving back, that she will like to see what happen to our marriage. I confronted her again and she agreed to gave up her computer. She confessed it was not only an emotional affair but it was a PA. This is just horrible, she showed me letters she sent him and how she was planning on leaving me, making secret plans with the OM. I am not trying to justify the OM because he always knew she was married, but is it is terrible to know that my WW was the one chasing the OM. I know she can still contact him at work, she disconnected her cellphone and is no longer using the computer at home. My hope is she get out of the affair fog after we go back home.

Please pray for me..

Hi Sealife, welcome to Marriage Buildrs. You have done some very smart things, such as planning to move back to the US and exposing her affair. I would take that a step further and expose to the OM's family, friends and workplace. He very probably has a girlfriend or a wife and is not going to tolerate too much conflict from an angry husband over some side action. OM are abject cowards so if you cause him much trouble, it is likely run can run him off.

In the meantime, I would focus on affair proofing your marriage and creating a romantic marriage. One thing that really stands out here is that your wife has opposite sex friendships. That is how all affairs start so I would start by eliminating those.

The program for recovery is in the book Surviving an Affair. You can download it on kindle or buy it in most bookstores.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Hi MelodyLane:

Thanks for your quick response. The OM is single and I told my WW that if the communication continues I will call the OM workplace.

That's where I would begin. Informing the workplace will help you immensely because if they are informed, they can watch the OM. They won't like him using work resources to conduct an illicit affair. And they also know you could sue them for this affair if you were so inclined. If you will check out the exposure link in my signature, there is a workplace exposure letter that was developed by one of our board members, a corporate attorney.

Do you have access to the OM's facebook page?

Workplace exposure letter - be sure and send to 3 key people and cc each on the letter. Good targets would be the Director of Human Resources, a key VP and both affairee's supervisor. This can be sent via registered letter or even via email!

Developed by Brits Brat, board member and corporate attorney--

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

Yes, I have access to the OM's Facebook. The OM parents also found out about all this, and they are totally against it. I can't believe that my WW introduced herself to the OM family when everyone know she is married. That is not how we grew up, her family is totally devastated.

I would go to his facebook page and copy and paste all his contacts into a text doc for safekeeping. Have you personally spoken to his parents?

No, not personally. I saw a communication from the OM were he told my WW that his parents are totally against the relationship.

I would contact them directly and tell them all about the affair and ask to keep their creepy son away. I would also expose it to his family members and close friends on facebook. This guy is not going to stay away unless you run him off. We have instructions and letter templates on my exposure thread. Everyone should know what this dirtbag has done. That is your best chance at keeping him away for good.

Exposure is the most powerful weapon you have against the affair, Sealife. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposing them RUINS the fantasy. When others are looking on with horror, the affair loses its attraction quickly. In your case, you need to kill this affair DEAD so it doesn't become more entrenched. If you don't kill it now, it can rise from the dead and since it will be a long distance affair, it can last for YEARS. That is why I would kill it while you have it on the ropes.

Let me put this another way. Exposure kills affairs. Threatening to expose does nothing except inform your enemy of your battle plan so can he can continue the affair.

I agree. I need to keep exposing the affair to others.

Im preparing the letter. Thanks for your advice.

You are very welcome! I would make up a list and get all your exposures done asap, within the same 24 hour period. That way you can catch the OM by surprise, get it all over with and move onto next steps. Doing it all in the same day creates a tsunami effect that is hard to overcome. A good exposure list for your situation would look like this:

1. OM's parents
2. HR Director, key VP and his supervisor at his workplace
3. his family and friends on facebook, using the facebook exposure methods on my exposure thread
4. any remaining family and close friends on you and your wife's side

I am impressed with you. You are on board with what you have to do to save your marriage. The odds favor your success because of that.

OM are deceivers. They demonize the BH. You are cast into the role of the guy who doesn't care; who would drag his wife away from family and friends all to satisfy his own selfish wishes. Of course, the OM is actually perfectly describing himself, but the fog prevents the WW from seeing that. She thinks the OM is the guy who really cares and looks out for her. Bold moves, such as quitting your job and moving back to the USA, prove those accusations to be all wrong. You are demonstrating that your marriage comes first with you. In time, your wife will get it. Stay the course and follow through as you are being advised here. Your marriage will survive this.

Thank you. I have 5 more days before we fly back home. All this happened in less than a month and still feel like a nightmare. I could never had imagined my wife having an affair, I thought that was impossible. She is still acting a little bit disconnected but the relationship is doing some improvements. We talked a lot about everything and the OM is a big loser.

I have a question. I have been reading in this forum that men should keep as long as possible in plan A. So, that means that we have no hope if we go to plan B?

You are not without hope if you go in Plan B, but from what you have said, there is no reason for you to do that. Plan A is what you should do. Don't waste your time thinking about Plan B right now. While I am certain you feel like you just can't take any more, this is normal and you are doing the right things. What you may need is some medication to get you through this. I needed medication, and it helped me immensely. You should talk to a doctor about this.

No, it just takes into account the differences between men and women.

There are two things I am aware of:

1. For whatever reason, women in general cannot endure Plan A for as long. They will start to have health problems very quickly from the stress of it all. Men, in general, are more resilient in this respect. So women are encouraged to not stay in Plan A very long because of the health risks.

2. For whatever reason, women in general, are not very successful in wooing a wayward spouse back into a relationship with them.

So it's not that there is no hope for a man in Plan B. It's just that, in general, men and women are different, and Dr Harley takes that into account with what he recommends.

Sealife, as long as you kill this affair dead while you have it on the ropes, I don't see Plan B in your future at all. She is foggy now, but moving will take care of that AS LONG AS SHE ENDS ALL CONTACT NOW. If they are still in contact in any way, the fog will remain and your life will be a death of thousand cuts. This is why it is so important to kill the affair by exposing it.


Did you complete your exposures? Did you have any questions about doing so?

Will she send the dirtbag a no contact letter as outlined in Surviving an Affair?

here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

Update here. I sent some letters to continue exposing my WW. I also need to update some family members who thought it was just an emotional affair. I am waiting to go back home to talk in person with my mother-in law, she is very depressed after I told her why the come back. My father-in law is neutral, I understand is his daughter.

My WW is in the withdrawal process, still struggling so I am very clear she still in the fog. After reading some of the communications she had with the OM it is obvious this guy was just playing with her. She thought there was a future with the coward but the OM is making her clear he was not planning on any long term commitments. I always told my WW since my first suspicions that the OM was a player.

I hope you have followed through and exposed him at work and to his parents and family on facebook. He is just the type of dirtbag OM who a) is a coward and is easily run off but b) who is arrogant enough to continue using your wife if you don't punch him and punch him HARD. He is the type who thinks its funny to destroy your marriage.

You need to take him out HARD now so he won't be hanging around in the future.

Thank you everyone for your fast responses. I am planning on keep doing plan A. I asked the question because I asked myself how long is enough? I want to stay married to my wife, but I can't keep thinking if she is really ready for married life since it is just 5 years of marriage and she betrayed me.

It is very likely he has done this in the past and will do it again in the future if he is not held accountable. Exposing him to his family and friends means someone will call him out and hold him accountable in the future. Everyone should know what he has done. His parents should have your contact information in case this starts up again.

She betrayed you because she has poor boundaries around men. Most people have very poor boundaries around the opposite sex and just don't understand the risks. 60% of marriages experience affairs for this reason. We will help you correct all the problems that led to this affair. We will help you affair proof your marriage and restore the romantic love.

My wife first betrayed me in the first year of our marriage. We survived. Then she betrayed me again at year 30. We survived that one, too. It would have never happened if MB had existed for us to follow the first time.

So, we are proof that your marriage can make it.

Thank you MelodyLane:

You are 100% correct. She call anyone a friend and is not very selective about who becomes her "friend". This is the first time I know she get involved in an affair, but we always have the same issue about being careful who take as a friend, either men or women. She struggle with the idea that marriage is first.

Yes, the OM is the type of person that does not take life seriously, I can tell that from his FB profile and the way he act around other women. My WW and the OM were FB friends, that is over she blocked him, but it was very clear all this time that he knew she was married.

And see, being careful won't prevent an affair. The thousands of people on this forum have learned this the hard way. The risk emerges when people have friends of the opposite sex. That is not a careful practice because that is how affairs begin. This was her first time, but one time is all it takes.

Check this out: The Risk of Opposite-sex Friendships in Marriage

I would ask her to eliminate facebook. What you will find is that she stays in the fog from gawking at his facebook page. It takes 2 seconds unblock someone. That will be a constant temptation that will prevent her withdrawal. Here is the checklist from Survivng an Affair:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

OP has avoided doing the OM and WW work place exposure.

Who have you exposed to on OM's side?

Did you expose to their job?

Did she write a NC letter and you send it to OM?

His parents barely speak any English, and his friends know. We are sending the NC today, where can I find a template for the NC letter?

Is mentioned a lot in this forum how WW hide things by opening secret email accounts, well guess what? I found out this week the OM was opening different email accounts using my WW friends names to try to keep the communication going. So, when I thought she was talking to one of her GF it was really this OM.

I guess my situation is a little bit more complicated since my WW affair happened in a foreign country. But we changed plans and we are leaving sooner. Hopefully we will sort things out after we arrive back to the US.

Sealife, I am hopeful that you followed our advice and have exposed to his workplace, his parents, friends and family. You have a very small window of time to run this dirtbag off or he will be hanging around for YEARS. The no contact letter will have no meaning if your wife continues to contact him.

That is a good step, but it will take more than this to kill this affair. Affairs can be conducted over the internet for YEARS. YEARS. And this will prevent the recovery of your marriage.

Did you personally tell his friends? Did you personally tell his parents? If not, you have NOT EXPOSED THIS AFFAIR. You can use an interpreter to inform his parents.

You need to expose this affair, Sir. Sending a no contact letter will be of little value if he is still hanging around contacting your wife. A no contact letter is only a letter of intent that is only as valuable as the intentions of the sender. Since your wife has no intention of ending her affair, you can expect this douchbag to continue to try and get through.

If you want to skip exposure, then welcome to a future death of a thousand cuts! We are warning you!

Hi Melody:

Sorry for the delay, yes I notified everyone. MY WW has been depressed, and very ambivalent. Sometimes happy, sometimes crying, sometimes she said she wants to rebuild our marriage, sometimes said she needs an alternative plan. The sad part is that I caught her trying to contact the OM again. I confronted her and she gets very angry at me and started crying, telling me she doesn't want to be that person.

We are moving back to the US in two days and now she is telling me she is not sure about our relationship. Honestly, I don't know what to do, I am feeling like a doormat.

She is still in serious withdrawal from the OM or may still be in touch with him. If you can assure contact is cut off, she will come back. Just stick to the plan and keep watching her like a hawk!

My WW ask me today to discard the evidence of her communications with the OM. According to her, it would help me heal faster. Should I keep the records?

Okay, that one is amusing.

No, don't discard the evidence.

Don't have such discussions with her. If she brings it up, change the subject.

KEEP THE EVIDENCE!!

Hide it some place where she can't destroy it.

I still have evidence from my WxW affair in 2007...I never exposed to my daughter since she was only 3 at the time, and if it ever comes up I want to have the proof.

Update, so finally back in the US, I am still traumatized and hurting. I thought my WW was doing better and finally over but two days before our flight she was contemplating running away with the OM. Well, she tried, but changed her mind. She apologized today but I know is a long road to recovery.

So I have a question. my WW told me today that she wants to work on our marriage and fix things but she is not sure if she wants to stay married. Is this normal? I mean, I am the one that was hurt. I am the one who should be thinking about it.

Very, very normal. Until she comes out of the fog expect her to say many things like this. Are you verifying NC?

Have you been to your doctor for some ADs? It would be a good idea for her to get on some ADs also until she makes it through the fog and withdrawal.

Don't expect logic. My wife repeated questioned my commitment to our marriage after her affair. It never made sense to me. I had never said or done anything but be completely faithful.

Affair fog is anything but logical.

Yes, I am verifying NC. We changed phone numbers and everything. I am still concern she will try to contact the OM using a friend or someone else phone but the computer and personal phones are monitored for NC. We are going to see a doctor next week.

I feel I need to see a doctor too. I am very traumatized by all this and she is making progress but the idea she might try contact the OM is not helping me.

If needed, upload the records to a secure cloud server so she cant find it and destroy it

Hi, I moved everything to the cloud. My WW is taking some steps to get out of the fog but I am not very optimistic. I don't want to be overly excited and get hurt later. She started reading some MB, she was first in denial to read anything. Also she agreed with the monitoring,there is no more "private" conversations or online activity which I think is good.

I am still struggling with plan A, is not easy to avoid love busters 100% of the time after discovering your wife was having a PA.

Yes and ask him for some ADs.

Hi, so 10 days have passed since my WW had contact with the OM. I feel her loyalty is totally divided, some times she is happy with me, other times she looks like she miss the OM. Anyway, I wonder how long this will last before I just give up.

Have you verified NC between them?

Just hang in there!! You are doing just fine. I can tell she is withdrawing. It takes 3 to 6 months. The more she withdraws, the more she will draw to you. Just make sure you are very pleasant to be around. Don't bring up the affair, don't love bust. Make sure you are getting out on lots and lots of dates.

Did either of you get on ADs?

Hi:

We moved back to the US and the OM lives in a different country. Home PC, laptop, cell phones are all monitored, my WW know about it and she agreed to have all electronic communications monitored. I am 99% sure there is NC.

Yes, we are on AD. I will wait and see, she was very honest when we arrived back and said she needs to get over the OM.

Just wait and see. If she knows about your surveillance then how can you be sure she's not contacting him some other way?

How much UA time are you getting?

Hi: This last week we spent the entire time in a mini-vacation, around 12 to 15 hours sharing time together.

Hi: I have a new situation and need some advice. After I found out about my WW PA, her alcohol consumption is becoming an issue. From having some drinks once in a while she is now getting drunk every week (last three weeks). I just talked to her about it and she is now angry and said that she will stop drinking and will do it for me. Now she is saying I have control issues because I feel she is using her alcohol addiction to escape from reality.

All addicts use the "control card" when they don't want to stop the damaging behaviour.

Is she going to get into AA? Are you in AlAnon?

We are going to see a therapist next week. She grew up in a very conservative family where alcohol is not tolerated. She used to drink a lot, then after we married she almost stop drinking completely.

A therapist for her alcoholism?

Yes, for both, the issues with alcohol and marriage counselling.

Hi, should I expect my WW to show a lot of remorse during the initial steps of the recovering process?

Sir, people dont need a counselor for alcoholism or marriage counseling.
At this point, you should be focusing on MB methods for saving your marriage.
Alcoholism is treated in AA.

It sounds like your wife may be self medicating to deal with her withdrawal feelings. Rather than "counseling" for this, your wife would be better served if you would take her to see a physician and ask for a prescription for antidepressant medication (be certain to TELL the physician that she has been using alcohol, as I'm thinking that most ADs cannot be used with alcohol).

The withdrawal feelings are horrible to go through and sickening to witness. Withdrawal can take 3-6 months to get through, but the worst of it will be gone by six weeks.

No, you shouldn't expect your WW to show a lot of remorse right now, if any. Have you read "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley and his daughter Dr. Chalmers? The wayward wife in his book, Sue, did not display remorse during the entire time that she and Jon were working on recovery. It would be very helpful for you to read the SAA book, as it will explain much of what you are experiencing.

No, you should not. Remorse is not required for recovery, and recovering WWs typically do not show it.

Just as mrEureka and Blindsighted mentioned about showing remorse. Have you read SAA?

Hi BrainHurts, yes I started.

Good because when you get to the Jon and Sue story (she's the WW) you will see that she had no remorse. Let us know what you think.

Hi everyone:

Its been a while since my last post. I am just writing to ask some questions and share some updates on my situation. Its been almost a month since my WW has NC with the OM. We took a long vacation and in general there is a lot of improvement in the communication area and according to her she has no feelings for the OM anymore. She is answering my questions and in general we are not arguing and just having a lot of fun.

My issue now is her lack of interest for intimacy. This is not something new, she stopped initiating things some time ago, time before her PA. I am the one who initiate all the time and she is always there for me but I am feeling really bad about it. I wish she was more interested. At this point, I am not even sure if I want to continue with my marriage, I am not sure if our relationship will survive. I am just feeling like I am falling out of love.

It typically takes two to six months of NC to come completely out of an affair fog. While your wife may say that she has no feelings remaining for the OM, I suspect in a few months, she will say she feels even less for him than now. The contrast effect with the emotional high of the affair makes waywards believe they are over it before they really are. You need to give the recovery process some time. It is way too soon to be expecting dramatic results.

Hi mrEureka: thanks for your reply.

What questions is she answering?
I hope you aren't speaking about the affair.
The affair should never be spoken of again.

Sealife - I'm a newbie here and by no means a seasoned veteran like all the others that are giving you great advice. I just want to share some of my story because I can empathize with you.

My WW and I are in week 9 of NC with OM. There are days where you feel like you're falling out of love with your wife, but don't let that overcome you.

From what I've come to understand on this website is that part of it is that when we first find out about the A, we have plenty of love in our love bank, but they do not (hence the A). On D-Day or shortly after, we react and do whatever it takes to get their love back because we are still in love.

During R, as things settle, I think sometimes our love units get withdrawn when we think about the A and how hard everything is in the moment, or we are triggered by something to think about the A. Jedi is spot on about not talking about the A. There have been innocent reminders some days and we've now taken more extreme measures to avoid those reminders. They only cause problems and subconsciously affect your relationship and before you know it, you're fighting over a non-issue.

Jedi, a question for you, if something triggers you to think about the OM and you find yourself having trouble "shaking it," should you then tell the WW? Is this an exception to your advice to "never talk about the A again?"

Best of luck Sealife, I'm very impressed with the EPs you've put in place. Keep it up, it is a roller coaster but will even out eventually. You guys married for a reason and I hope you both can realize that!

Every time the affair is discussed, it causes massive Love Bank withdrawls.

Dr. Harley doesn't practice speaking and reliving misery. He wants people to focus on the moment they are now in, and how to live happily.

Talking about things that make us sad will make us sad, not happy.

EDIT: In your case, Dr. Harley specifically recommended that you move to get a fresh start. Doing so would eliminate many triggers.

Hi Jedi: sorry for the delay,I made the mistake once and asked her questions, but we totally stopped talking about it. It is hard sometimes but I am doing the best to stick with Plan A.

Some people out there thinks that affairs are not a big deal, but it is horrible. My WW PA affair not only caused a lot of emotional pain but it also created financial issues. We are both now unemployed, we both resigned to move back to the USA and basically we are living from our savings and family support. I am doing the best I can to return back on track. Thank you very much to everyone here in this forum for your replies.

Thank you, I really appreciate your reply.

Sir, I want to clarify something: Plan A is only a temporary measure to win back a wayward spouse during an affair.
After the wayward has ended the affair (by sending a No Contact letter and agreeing to extraordinary precautions) then you should be following the steps in Surviving an Affair.

Because Plan A is a plan of unconditional love, it is temporary in nature. Plan A cannot continue indefinitely and you should be introducing the Policy of Joint Agreement into your marriage.

Sealife, how are things now?

Hi SugarCane:

Things are a lot better, but still recovering. The hardest part was to get back on track and to find a job. We moved back to the states and we are getting counseling. My WW is very remorseful but in general following all the MB recommendations.

There is no more contact between WW and the OM, my WW gave up the computer, closed accounts, changed phone numbers moved away etc. However, the POSOM although he was exposed, tried to initiate some contact my posting random stuff like a picture of him with message in hand online in hope my WW see it during the holidays. So, I am still in high alert.

How do you know he tried to initiate contact?

Hi:

I know the online social networks where the POSOM hangout. The OM keeps some of those accounts open for everyone to see what he is posting. My WW is not using her computer anymore, and she closed all the social networks accounts and we monitor each other accounts. But the POSOM post stuff like pictures of him with paper in hand with messages and stuff, that happened twice like two months ago.

So, it is kind of an online cold war that the POSOM is keeping. The guy is a loser, apparently my WW was the only interesting thing that ever happened on his life.

What makes you think the messages are for your wife? Can you read them?

Hi, yes the messages are for my WW. The OM will take for example a selfie with a paper on his hand and start the message with a "Hi WW Name".

I talked to the OM parents and other people, the guy is just creepy no moral values kind of guy. I was ready to plan B if my WW tried to contact the OM,but so far there is no contact and although we have ups and downs we are following the MB plan. My WW keeps telling me that the affair with the OM was the worst thing ever happened to her.

Tell us about the counselling. Is it joint, marital counselling? What is the goal of the counsellor - have they told you the end result they are seeking? What acts or activities are you required to perform each week to help your marriage? Do you talk about the affair when you are together in the meeting?