I am 1 month out of my wife having her last attempted contact with the OM. Life is pretty rough right now, and I only recently found MB while googling "How to recover from infidelity". The articles struck so close to home, it was good to make some sense out of my wife's infidelity, see the symptoms of hurt and recovery in myself. Strangely enough, I had followed much of the advice without anyone coaching me or having read anything. I essentially worked Plan A until contact was severed. My problem now is the post-mess - I am trying to process and work through things with my wife, I have a counselor, and dealing with my wife trying to break an alcohol addiction. Where we are at odds is what I think happened and how I felt closely track with what I think was an affair. She thinks it was unfaithfulness, but not an affair since there was no sex. My friends and counselor and things I've read validate me, but I don't know anyone who has survived an affair - emotional, physical, sexual - so I thought I'd share my story and get some validation or refuting opinions. My wife and I are trying to reconcile, but this is hampering the healing for me.

My wife has had a tough year. She has been in 8 rehabs over 3.5 months. She can't seem to kick the alcohol, partially because she believed it wasn't THE problem, instead it was the marriage issues, handling 4 kids, her childhood trauma, etc. In the second stint in rehab, she met the OM. I visited her daily, and when she talked about OM, it sent up flags, but I tucked it away, as I only cared about her recovery.

Between the next 4 rehabs, she was out for 10 days total. During this time, she talked about OM openly, and would be on the phone either texting incessantly or calling for sometimes hours. I continued to tell her how uncomfortable this was making me, but she told me I had nothing to worry about, OM was just a friend who understood her addiction. I wanted to believe her, and she had been faithful to me for 17 years. But my gut and everything I saw told me something was wrong.

In rehab, she had very little ability to contact OM except to write letters, and I'm not sure how many she sent, if any. Out of rehab, she went to meet OM in the evenings or during a weekend day on 5 different nights over those 10 days. No physical contact and no expression of feelings, according to her. I continued to express hurt and tell her what I was seeing, but to no avail. Our old relationship rule of not being alone with someone of the opposite sex was cancelled unilaterally by her. We always had said, "It just happened" isn't valid, as you need to keep yourself from the situations in the first place.

She entered rehab again for 2 weeks, no contact with OM. I picked her up after her time was complete, and on the 2nd day she was home, told me she was going to an AA meeting with OM. I again shared my feelings, but I could tell she was not listening. She looked like she was going on a date.

After 3.5 hours of her being gone, I decided to stalk her, not call her as I had done before when I found out she was out with OM. AA meetings don't last 3+ hours. I went to the place I was hoping she wouldn't be, and found them at a table having drinks - she had her arms around OM as if giving him a hug goodbye. I watched as that changed to her sitting on his lap, arms around him - I don't know why, but I was just paralyzed. I wanted to leave, or I wanted to confront, but I just sat there frozen. It was a long embrace - 15 minutes at least - and the thing that woke me up was when she ran her fingers through OM's hair. I jumped out, confronted them, and went back to my car.

She came to the car, and we ended up going somewhere to talk. I heard things about my marriage that needed to improve, and had open ears. She told me she realized that night that they both had feelings for each other, and realized that she needed to cut it off. This was the first hopeful thing I would hear over and over the next 6 weeks, but would not come true.

One of the things she told me disconnected her from me was my controlling behavior. It was not overt control, but "helpful" control, such as strongly recommending choices for her. As a result of her saying this, I swung the opposite direction, and didn't think I had the right to ask her never to have contact with OM again.

A couple days later, she requested a day away from the kids to study her bible, journal, and just spend some time thinking at the lake. I gladly did this for her, but as the day dragged on, and I couldn't contact her on the phone, I took my younger kids and went to see her at the lake. As I arrived, OM walked out of some trees, followed shortly by my wife. Furious, I asked her not to physically see him anymore. She agreed, but continued texting and calling him, often sacrificing time with me to do so, for the next 2 weeks. I saw some of the texts, and OM said things like "miss u so much", "you make me melt when I'm around you", "i think everything you say and do is so important", etc.

She continued to tell me she loved me, not OM, and would cut it off. She didn't want me to leave. She told me this and other things, that at first, sounded believable, but with the continued contact and lies, I had lost hope in.

After 2 weeks, she called me after having done some shopping, and said she wanted to read the book her counselor recommended for an hour or so. But, she sounded so weird - the questions she was asking me, how she was asking, so hesitant, sounding guilty. I said sure, but then had second thoughts after a little bit of time. I called her and asked her to come home. She did, but lied about where she was - based on her route home, it was obvious to me she had seen OM again. I confronted her, and after 10 minutes of continuous lies, she finally confessed that she wanted to meet OM's friend. I requested that she cut this off for good - she agreed to not contact OM for 30 days, but she couldn't cut it off for good. The 30 days didn't last - she kept falling off the wagon and contacting OM.

A couple days later, we were out eating dinner together, and something she said caught my ear. I started asking questions, and found out that she had met OM at the same restaurant a few days before I had caught her going to meet OM's friend. She had gone out that night with her best friend, and called OM to meet her. A couple other things she said got me thinking, so I asked, and found out that the day at the lake and subsequent 2 meetings, she had made out with OM several times.

We spent the next 3 weeks her trying to disconnect from OM, but she kept wanting to "return it to a friendship" since he was "such a good friend before I messed up". I knew for sure that would not be an option if her and I were to reconcile our marriage.

We were about to go on vacation, and while we were talking, a text from OM came in, and she went into ignore husband mode as she started interacting with OM. I got pretty emotional, and asked if OM was coming on vacation with us too. This shook her, and she seemed to hear my feelings for the first time since it started. She asked what I wanted, and I asked for her to make good on her promise to cut him out of her life. She sent him an email, not quite as direct as the one suggested on the MB site, but it got the point across. OM sent a scathing email back, about how he had lost all respect for me making an ultimatum, since obviously they were just friends.

Wife and I have been trying to rebuild things - I have been very attentive and open to fixing the wrongs I had been hurting her with. It has been hard being this way as she mourns the loss of OM, and it is difficult to keep doing the right thing.

We can talk a bit about the unfaithfulness, but where we are running into a snag is how we both rank it. After reading a lot on the internet (including MB), talking with friends, and talking with my counselor, I feel like I experienced what many feel with a "full" affair. I had so much anxiety and hurt - I sat at work for 2 weeks with a crushing sensation in my chest, and am surprised I got anything done - some days i didn't remember what I had done or meetings I participated in. I had nights where I couldn't sleep - a first for me. I cried more in 2 weeks than I think I have the rest of my life.

I want to go to an affair support group, and told her about it. She said that they wouldn't relate, as they had "real" affairs, not just a little "messing up" and hurting her marriage. It floored me. I asked her if she could choose me having a 1 night stand with someone I didn't love and never saw again or the same thing she did where I fell in love with someone else and dragged it on for weeks/months, what would she choose. She said she would prefer the non-sexual affair, because it wouldn't hurt as much.

I suppose I am happy that it didn't go sexual, or last months or years, but as I've processed and thought, I've realized her embracing and kissing OM are awful, but the fact that she has a heart connection with OM that is so hard to die, that is the hardest thing for me.

So, after all that, I just have a simple question - am I entitled to feel this is the worst thing that ever happened to me? Or do I need to move on quicker, because this wasn't sexual, so no harm no foul?

Hi KSummit, welcome to Marriage Builders. I would not get hung up on definitions. Why not define it as a baloney sandwich and call it good? In the meantime, you have been incredibly hurt by her baloney sandwich[bs] and need to make sure that no more bs takes place in the future. That means that your marriage needs to be bs proofed so you are protected in the future.

You don't need to go to an "affair support group;" you need to follow the steps for recovery that are outlined in Surviving an Affair. [you can download this on kindle for PCs tonight and read it]

However, that will be a waste of time if your wife doesn't stop drinking. If she won't stop drinking and do it in a way that does not jeopardize your marriage, this will never work. For example, did you know that co-ed AA meetings are PICK UP JOINTS? The meetings are crawling with what we call "13th steppers" who are there to pick up chicks. So you need to make it a condition that your wife only attend women's meetings OR open meetings that you can attend with her. However, you already know this about the meetings!! Your wife is just ending one affair and there will be more unless she stops doing this!!

Here are the steps for recovery after an affair:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Is this dirtbag OM married?

Thanks for the quick reply. The dirtbag you mention was not married. In my wife's words, OM was so respectful and gentlemanly, and understood her addiction and OCD. She often told me they would have never worked out long-term because of all OM's other incompatibilities with her, or lack of similar values. She takes all blame on herself for the affair, and gives him a clean bill of health.

One thing I struggle with is this affair was a bit in secret, but I got to watch it from beginning to end - at least the parts I perceived and what I actually experienced. It made it even more hurtful. I even told her I almost wish I hadn't found out, and it had gone to full conclusion - a conclusion that would have either meant us apart, or her blowing up the fantasy of what she feels/felt about who he was and how amazing he was.

As far as the drinking, yes, it is a problem. She has struggled the last 2 weeks saying she doesn't want to do it anymore, but every time she quits, she has physical withdrawal symptoms. We checked her into the 8th rehab a couple days ago, and she is so hopeful and ready to be without drinking.

I also think she wanted to be in rehab to avoid the "intense" conversations with me about the affair. I don't want to bring her down, so often just focus on how I can invest in the relationship and deposit in her LoveBank. But, I need to figure this stuff out, and I don't know how to talk about it without hurting her and having her withdraw. I don't do it angrily or judge her at all... and the times she has shared, I have given her feedback that I actually feel better knowing the truth, than letting the details fall to my dark imagination.

Also, thanks about the AA info... I'm a bit of a naive innocent sometimes, but that makes a lot of sense that guys troll AA meetings looking for vulnerable women. My wife is not a believer in AA, but I think she needs someone safe who can help her when she is in a bad place.

I have talked to her about what I have learned on MB site, and want her to read about the relationship builder concepts. I just haven't been in a place to do that with her sober yet.

Sir,
You cant believe anything your wife tells you.
They probably did sleep together.

Install spyware on everything and expose their affair

Do you have minor children?

I saw realtime texts, recovered many deleted texts, and saw emails and phone calls. I sometimes wonder if something else happened, but the times I know she was with OM, it is easy to reconstruct where she was, and she quickly came home. I know before she pursued OM, she told me how he bragged about how skilled he was at getting women - and then denied that when I saw the manipulations being applied to her.

I don't believe her yet - but, my suspicious intuition tells me it probably didn't happen. I won't say it didn't, because I don't know for sure, and can't until I trust her again and she validates. But, I have many clues and facts for believing she didn't go beyond kissing.

All that being said, yes, it would suck to find out that she did actually have a "full" affair with OM. But, it won't change the betrayal any more than I already feel. It will hurt all over again, and we will have to work through the rebuilding trust from square 1, but the depths of my despair were real, and overwhelming even believing that she didn't sleep with him.

I don't care about that, other than trying to figure out if it didn't happen, does that make my feelings any less valid?

That is so sad to read that she believes he "respected" her. Of course he didn't. He was using her and taking advantage of her. Any man who trifles with a married woman has essentially announced that he thinks she is of low morals. Tell your wife I feel sad that she allowed herself to be degraded in such a way.


I completely understand the feelings you express here and would suggest much of your pain comes from the fact that you abandoned your own boundaries and allowed it to happen. Lesson learned.


It is the #1 problem in your situation. It has to be resolved before you have any hope of recovering your marriage. When I say this, I do mean you should affair proof your marriage now so no further damage is caused. You won't be able to come back from much more damage here.


Her lovebank is closed as long as she is an active alcoholic. This is why it must be resolved FIRST.


Do you have all the details now? Once you get the full facts it should never be brought up again. If you don't have all the facts, ask her to do a final doc dump so you can both move on.


I so agree. I have been sober in AA for 29 years. She needs to a) get a strong female sponsor and b) attend female only meetings or OPEN meetings. You can attend open meetings. And you should drive her to meetings or agree that her sponsor pick her up at the house. Alcoholics will lie and sneak out to bars, etc.

Don't even trust her out of your sight. She is absolutely untrustworthy.


1. complete sobriety
2. affair proof the marriage NOW

Close the door on the affair asap before further damage is done to your marriage. If her damage continues, you will quickly reach a place where you give up. An alcoholic is no prize so it won't take long for your lovebank to bleed out to the level of hatred.

Yes - all 4 children are minor - 2 teens, an elementary kid, and a toddler. The drinking started after the last kid, as our family is in different stages of life - a very stressful situation for a stay-at-home mom.

One more bit of info - I drank with my wife at the beginning. I fought to give it up last year, and finally gave it up at the beginning of the year. I hurt my wife by telling her I did it, so she could too. Sometimes, it was encouraging. Many times it was condemning and not supportive. That is when she went from evening drunk to full-time drunk and rehab entered the picture.

KS, it would also help tremendously if you exposed her affair and her alcoholism. This will give you much needed support and others can hold her accountable. This is EXTREMELY therapeutic for an alcoholic/wayward. Your kids especially need to know because it is likely she has exposed them to some bad things. They have every right to know everything that is happening in their lives.

Also, be sure and save all your evidence of the affair in a safe place. You may need it someday.

Have you checked YOURSELF to see if the OM is married or single?

Thanks MelodyLane - your comments are helpful.

I agree about the "respected" thing. But I understand, because she felt controlled by me and felt unappreciated by me. Not who I am anymore.

I did abandon my own boundaries and allow the affair to blossom... I thought I was doing it to save my marriage. I know better know the difference between real control, and respect of my marriage commitment.

I am hopeful that this last (for me) rehab stay will actually help her. It is eye-opening to hear that her lovebank is closed while she is an active alcoholic - that makes sense. I feel like I have wasted the past 2 months, but have learned a lot and am resilient to do it right when she is sober.

I have asked her some details more than once - I think because if she says them 2 or 3 times the same way, it builds trust that she is telling me the actual truth. Is there a better way to approach it so I can hear the truth, and not keep rehashing details?

As far as affair proofing the marriage, I know I haven't done that yet. It is because she isn't sober yet. But, I know she has not contacted OM since I knew about it. She has been saying things and journaling things that are starting to align with my reality about the affair and my feelings. Still a long way to go though. I want her to go through the MB site/course and agree that is what she wants to do, but she is in rehab and I have to wait for her to get out and agree.

OP,
I am so sorry you are here, and I feel your pain.
It hurts me to say this, and I have tears right now, but I believe your W slept with the OM.
The fact that you saw her sitting in his lap points in that direction.
Maybe you should demand your W take a Polly.

I am not sure about exposing the affair at this point. I feel she is beyond it, and am concerned about spoiling her. I thought about this a lot today, because today is the first time I read about exposing. I feel like my wife is on the right path, and not happy about what happened. I am reluctant to expose it to my older kids & my family. The people that know are me, her, her best friend, and my 4 friends. Regardless, the exposing is something I am considering. The only thing holding me back, is I don't know that I agree that it would be helpful for my alcoholic mom understanding teens to know that their mom also was unfaithful.

The alcoholism thing is exposed - my 2 teens know about it - the church leadership knows, her friend knows, my friends know, multiple of her friends know. She is open about it to others, and wants to end it. She didn't feel like she wanted to end it 1 month ago, so I am hopeful.

I understand. I also felt very "controlled" by my "controlling husband" when he objected to my destructive behavior. If that is what you mean by "control" that is not control. Control is FORCING HER to do things against her will. It is *NOT* control to ask her to stop abusing you with her affair, lies, deceit and active alcoholism. Do you see the difference?


When she gets out, make her a deal. Ask her to answer all your remaining questions in one fell swoop so you can get it over and move on. Promise you won't get angry and promise you will drop it in the future. [unless something new comes up]


Does she have the same phone #? Email account? Can the OM contact her in rehab? If so, I would ask her to protect you NOW from this. Get her a new phone # and ask her ot close that email account and give you full access to her computer.

You need to be able to feel SAFE and that needs to start now before she causes any further damage.

The evidence is in a safe place. Someplace my wife does not have access to.

I have not been 100% honest to my wife either. I am waiting for her honesty. I have not told her I have her deleted texts and I know more than she thinks I do. I have not told her I looked at her phone records and know exactly how many hours she talked to him, and exactly how many texts she sent him. I have not told her I saw the emails she didn't intend for me to see - she gave me her password after she sent him the disconnect email, and I snooped after that.

What should I tell her about that?

Yes, the OM is single. He is living in an apartment with a friend, but not married. I validated.

I don't want to be in denial, and I am open to proving exactly what did happen. But, why does that mean she slept with him? I want to know the truth, and am willing to accept it. Why is Poly the only way to know for sure?

It is the best thing for all concerned, especially your wife. Exposure is therapeutic, secrecy about her affair is harmful to her. The more people who know, the more people to hold her accountable. Telling the kids lies about what really happened hurts them and just teaches them dishonesty. Children are not made happy or secure with lies and illusions. It just confuses them.

Also, exposure will motivate her to certainly end her affair and work on the marriage. Dr. Harley, the founder of Marriage Builders, is a clinical psychologist and here is what he recommends:

Dr. Harley on telling the children:

here



here

here

Don't ever tell her about your spy resources. Being radically honest will HARM you when there is an affair. You should continue to snoop and never tell her about your resources.

You SHOULD tell her you are watching her like a hawk and those methods will never be divulged. She can "trust" you to watch her like a hawk forever.

Sir,
Exposure is not what will hurt your children.
Their mother becoming drunk and having affairs is what is harming their family.
If she got drunk and drove into a tree, would you tell your kids or cover it up?

An affair is just as destructive