I think he will do it if you give him that proposal. Tell him you are giving him one last chance to come clean before the test. Sort of like an amnesty. If he spills his gut he will pass the test.

And yes, I would ask him to leave if he won't do that, because that is a clear indication he is hiding something from you and your marriage will never recover on that basis. This is the least he can do to earn your trust.

Did your husband know in advance you were doing this?

They often have FB covered especially if they are taking a risk and contacting a recovering couple.

Disguise your number and hang up unless a man answers.

No my H did not know that I contacted OWH

I would try another way to contact him outside of facebook. Even the dumbest OW knows to intercept such messages. I would contact him and give him all of your evidence. It is very likely that he does not even know.

Plan A is the negotiating period for affair recovery CONDITIONS. Ending the affair is just one of the conditions. If he won't provide you with Radical honesty, the carrot and stick of Plan A is required.

An important part of Plan A is acting like someone confident and who knows they are valuable. With standards for recovery. If you act like you might accept crumbs that's all you will get.

I really think you have a very good shot at getting him to take this test. Just put on your rock star act and behave like there is no question of how far he will go to prove himself.

See, he thinks he can get you to trust and you'll back down and that's that. Just repeat you expect it, calmly, and you will see how much he is wiling to recover.

Here. Polygraph Testing

Well I have exposed to my daughters and my friends and family. My husband doesn't know yet.

I did set up a Polygraph test for this Friday. He says he will take it but not happy about it.

I am not sure how he will take is when he finds out that I have told everyone. I think he will be very mad and not sure why I had to tell

So, none of them will discuss it with him? If none of these exposure targets will help you, I would tell your husband you have told everyone.


I would be sure and give him a list of questions that need to be answered BEFORE the test. Remember how I told you to do this?

Yes I will give him those questions before hand.

I just sent those emails off so just haven't heard from anyone yet. I explained that I would appreciate any calls or emails of support to both of us.

Be sure and tell him you have done this so he knows. The whole purpose of epxosure will be lost if he doesn't know.

Give him the list 2 days beforehand so he can answer all questions well before the test. The goal is to come clean FIRST so he will pass the test. Then you can decide the day of the test which 2-3 questions you will ask.

In other words, you should have the full truth and answers to all your questions BEFORE you even leave the house for the polygraph. The polygraph can only validate what he has told you.

I have been contacted by some family showing me support. Should I ask one of them to talk to H? If so what should they say since the affair is over and he wants to work on our marriage?

I heard from the OW daughter and she says, why did you feel the need to involve me in this. How do I answer her?

I would just let your husband know you have told the whole family so you could get support for your marriage. Have your children said anything to him yet?

I would just ignore the OW daughter.

No my daughters haven't seen him yet. One is still out of town. I really wanted to tell them in person but couldn't get them together so I talked with them separately. The older one said she assumed that because of a book that she saw we were reading.

Do you think I should wait to tell him until after the poly test?

I thought I would give you an update. My H took the polygraph test on Friday and passed.

I then told him that I had disclosed to family and friends about the affair and our girls. He was upset but not as mad as I thought he would be. He was more worried about our girls and how they reacted. He says he is not sure if he will be able to face my family. He has dropped that issue very quickly.

I have had several family members contact me and give us their support and open invite to talk if either of us needs to do so.

He wants to talk with our daughters but is not sure how to bring it up and not sure what to expect. He is not really good about communicating with them especially something like this. Both girls are feeling very uncomfortable about talking to him about this. Only one daughter has been at the house since I told him about disclosure and it was only for a few minutes before she went into her room. She doesn't want to talk to him without her sister.

We are working together on reading our book and meeting each other needs. It's been better but I really want him to tell the girls he wants to talk with both of them soon. I don't want this uncomfortable feeling to go on for too long. They need to talk.

What can I do to help move this along.

Good job! I would let your husband handle the issues with his daughters. That is his problem to handle. Naturally his daughters are disappointed and he can explain to them how he will protect their family in the future.

Are you pretty lined up now with a plan for recovery? Are you diligently following the lessons in SAA? I would hate to see you get this far and lose your marriage because you didn't follow recovery steps. Marriages that don't create marriages that were better before the affair tend to limp along until and often have repeat affairs.

htb, were you able to reach the OWH?