Me and my wife have been together for 20 years married 15yrs high school sweethearts. We have 4 kids 4-6-10-12. 3 years ago we had a issue were she was not happy with her body and would constantly reject me for sex, I loved her and her body no matter what I always told her. So after so much rejection I started sleeping on the couch. We never really had good communication through out our marriage, so about 2 years ago she broke down crying saying she was talking to someone else online and was unhappy with our current relationship. We talked it out about what was missing and we worked on for the next year, but during the first 3 months she would get mad because she said I was coming on to strong and was to much all of a sudden. So I found a happy medium, I thought anyways. During that first year of us working on it she started busting her [censored] and got in shape and lost about 40 lbs, but then had saggy boobs and excess stomach skin that bothered her from having and breastfeeding 4 kids. So we checked into breast implants and a tummy tuck. I busted my [censored] and saved the money and at the end of the first year of us working on us we had the procedure completed. One month later we find out she has breast cancer. One year ago we went through all the cancer surgeries and treatments (which was gerson based). All throughout I was her rock and loved her more than anything. During her cancer time we also had to deal with our 4 year old daughter who had a temper and would cry and through fits constantly causing lots of stress the past 6 months. Then I started getting stressed at my job and would bring it home to a already stressed out wife and we ended up suffering with our alone time together and grew apart. Then about a 6 weeks ago she tells her best friend she thinks she falling out of love with me. Telling her because I'm negative all the time, I never want to go out and that she feels trapped and doesn't know who she is. One week later she tells me she doesn't love me and wants to leave, but would like to stay in house until she gets job and place. I eventually talk her into giving it 6 weeks to see if we can make it work, she agreed. As the first couple weeks go bye I feel no effort from her and ask her what is wrong. She said she doesn't know if it will work because she is lost and needs to find herself and that might be by going out on her own. Fast forward to one week ago she breaks down and tells me for the past 3 weeks she has been having an emotional affair with the guy that installed our new carpet who is kinda of a casual friend of ours and that she thinks she is in love with him and hasn't felt this with anyone before. The guy is married and has 2 kids and his marriage is on the rocks. So they both were vulnerable and he was filling her love bank when it should have been me. I never stood a chance there. After she confessed she agreed to break all contact with him and give us a shot for 2 months. I contacted him and told him. We exposed the affair with family and friends. We are at 5 days of working on it and I think she is having withdrawals. She said she doesn't know if she wants to loose the feelings for him. She says she won't force herself to loose the feelings but she will be herself and if they go and she feels something again for me at the end of October she will go on. I'm totally lost on this, one part of me wants to kick her to the curb, but I'm trying my hardest for the kids and I don't want her to regret it. I think it's like a mid life crisis. I'm 39 and she is 35. She says I would hope our marriage is worth saving. I have verified her breaking contact completely with phone text records and gps on her truck. So it seems she is trying.

Hi fordman, welcome to Marriage Builders. It sounds like you have done many of the right things necessary to save your marriage. You do not mention if you have exposed the affair to the OM's wife, though. That will be a critically necessary step.

If you will follow the program outlined in Surviving an Affair, you and your wife can fall in love again. Here is a checklist of extraordinary precautions:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Have not exposed to OM's wife. I quess she is done in that marriage and just together for kids as of now. Seems we are on right track. My wife and OM only had face to face contact during my carpet install at the house and after that is when it was messenger on Facebook, text and phone calls. Facebook is gone with both of us. She also signed herself up for a therapist and is checking on couples for us. She just keeps saying things like "she doesn't know if she wants it between us" "I didn't think you would have been able to change like you have" "what if he is the one I'm supposed to be with" "I need to find my happiness". I now her head is all over the place and she shutdown towards me at beginning. We have had sex 3 times since she told me she wanted out. Don't know if that means anything. My heart is just torn and it is rough right now since she still has feelings towards OM. Hopefully they don't last long. I give her full body massages every night and we do take occasional shower together. I don't act needy to her or try to follow her all over.

That is where I would start. This is vital information that she has a right to know. Telling her will gain you a set of eyes on that end. I would just contact her tomorrow without forewarning your wife.

Additionally, your children over age 4 should be told of the affair.


Has she blocked any and all avenues of contact? Has she changed her phone # so he can't contact her again? If he is able to get through, it is likely he WILL which makes it likely the affair will resume.

I am sorry she is seeking counseling but that will likely spell the end of your marriage. Counselors do not understand the "fog" that occurs from an affair and as such, help way wards make decisions based on their desires in the fog. For example, it would not be unusual for a counselor to tell you to move out - so she can have "space" or a "trial separation" so your wife can pursue her love interest. It has been our experience that counselors are destructive to marriages.

On the other hand, if you make sure the affair is truly shut down and follow these steps, we can restore your marriage to a passionate, romantic relationship. That is what WE have.

I'm checking into contacting OM's wife and going to talk to my wife about telling the kids. I never thought about her getting a new phone number, which is a must now. I did have long conversation with OM and he was definitely convincing about no further contact. I think my wife is attached to him more than he is to her. The consoling was a fear of mine that they will just confirm what she is thinking and make it easier for her to leave. She starts consoling on sept 10th so I do have time to talk her out of it. One other thing is she started reading the book "I AM" about self discovery which tells readers that they should do what pleases them and not other people. I think her head is in wrong state to be reading that kind of book? I did just buy the "Surviving an affair" book on Kindle and I will try to get my wife to read also.

Sir,
do NOT talk to your wife about exposure.
Please read Exposure 101. the link is below MelodyLane post above.
It will instruct you on how to perform a proper exposure.
IT IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT THAT YOU EXPOSE CORRECTLY.

Good deal! I would not recommend speaking to your wife first before you tell the kids. Just tell them everything that happened and ask them to tell you if they see the OM or see their mom speaking to him.

The program outlined in SAA will save your marriage. Most marriages do not recover from affairs. They are crippled versions of the pre-affair marriage. You don't have to be like that if you will follow this program.

Need some advice. Since my wife told me she wanted to leave I have been giving her full body massages and I don't receive anything from her. I have to give her kisses but they are just on check. No sex because she says she doesn't have feelings like that for me yet. Last night we both woke up at 130am because of the dogs. She was trying to go back to sleep and I started to tickle her neck and back and she got mad "your always on me hovering" So I rolled over and didn't touch her again. This morning she asked if I was mad and I said a little. She said sorry just feel smothered at night. It's hard for me when I put out all this effort and don't get anything in return. Should I stop doing the body massages? Should I back off a little? Is this because she still has feelings towards OM? I feel like I live with a maniken doll! At times I feel she is just staying to buy time so she can get a job and get a place of her own. But from what I have read in the SAA book it's the fog that she has right now, maybe that's all it is and I'm overreacting and to anxious. That book is spot on as to how she acts.

It is not a good idea for you to post new questions without giving us an update on the advice you were given in previous posts.

Unless you ensure that all avenues of contact are blocked, you must assume that your wife is still contacting this man. How far away does he live from you? If he is within a car journey's distance, they have probably met since you got her to "agree" to end contact. Your wife is behaving like an addict and I simply do not see her giving up this man because you asked her to.

Have you contacted his wife?

Have you told your kids about the affair? How old are they?

Is your wife a stay-at-home mother?

Your wife is not in love with you because she is in love with someone else. She is a fogged out wayward. Yes, back off on the touching.

Have you exposed the affair to OM's wife and to your children? Where are you with the things on the above checklist?

BTW, there is no such thing as a mid-life crisis. This is an affair. You need to bust it up.

AM

Sorry about the update. I gave told kids, hardest thing I've ever had to do. I left voice message with wife to call me. I will be calling again. Kids are 4-6-10-12. Yes she is a stay at home mom and has said to me that maybe if she gets a job it will take her mind off of OM to help get rid of feelings. Recent phone and text records have checked out. Gas on truck is good. She doesn't hide her phone I have checked email accounts. The body massages she almost expects every night now because they are like habit and there are really no boundaries, besides direct vaginal. Do I still stop those? The only thing on the checklist is Contacting OM's wife which I'm in process.

You are rather hung up on the body massages. I think these are the least of your problems. The basic rule for a man in Plan A (which is you) is to do NOTHING that make love bank withdrawals for your wife, and to do whatever she will allow that makes love bank deposits. In other words, do nothing at all to annoy her. If you try to do something in good faith, thinking that she will like it and she does not, stop doing that thing and never do it again.

Apply this rule to the body massages.

I suspect you are focused on these because you hope they will stimulate her interest in having sex with you again. It's perfectly fine to hope inside your head that she will become interested in you again, but your behaviour towards her must be impeccable. If you put her under any pressure (however subtle or indirect) to have sex or do anything that fulfills YOUR needs, you will turn her off and create LB withdrawals. Stop that.

Back to exposure: What exactly did you tell your kids? What words did you use? How have they responded to their mother about the news?

Do not leave voice mails!!!! That is a really silly thing to do. You have given OM an easy chance to intercept a message (even a simple one saying "please call me back") and then, forewarned that you intend to talk to his wife, for him to spin a story to his wife about a crazy man who is making up stories about his (your) wife having an affair with her husband (him).

You need to get on with contacting OMW urgently. This is the best weapon you have to ensure NC. You also need to put a keylogger on your wife's devices. You are checking the email accounts that you know about, but it is easy enough for her to open new accounts at any time, and you will only find those out with a keylogger.

If she is a SAHM she has ample time to see OM during the day. If she does not appear to be travelling to see him, he could be visiting your house to see her. You need to become much more active with snooping.

Have you talked with OM's BW yet?

Update: I have not talked to OMs BW but a mutual friend of ours was so disgusted with this that she spread it threw the town he lives in and wife found out. He is afraid to have contact. Wife did go to her therapy on wensday the 10th which I tried talking her out of but she insisted she needed it for herself. The counselor instructed her to make contact with OM for closer since she was cut off so sudden and hasn't had contact in 2 weeks. I did not like that at all 2 weeks down the drain. She has been starting to show me affection reaching to hold my hand, giving me a hug when I get home, giving me a kiss on cheek when she leaves and offering to do my back at night. Now it seems every time she gets together with her best friend they get into it, in which her best friend drills her on the situation and makes her all emotional. Then me and my wife have to talk it out and she says that if it keeps up she doesn't know if she can stay because of the stress. Question 1= Should I contact the couple people that keep bringing it up to back off for now? Question 2= Should I have my wife read Surving An Affair?

That is a great idea!! And maybe they should have sex too? That will really provide "closure" won't it?



I am hoping that you and your wife know better than to actually take this marriage wrecking, destructive advice, because contacting an affair partner for "closure" is about like an alcoholic drinking again to get "closure." Your "counselor is the enemy of your marriage and I would URGE you to INSIST your wife stop seeing this dangerous person.

In the meantime, I would CALL the OMW *TODAY* and tell her the full story before the OM gets to her and spins the story.



Those people can say or do whatever they choose. Please don't waste your time trying to control them. And yes, you should show her the book Survving an Affair and start following the program in it.

But first things first: CALL THE OMW!!

"Closure" means to CLOSE, not open. Your wife's "counselor" is only telling your wife what she wants to HEAR. Or perhaps the counselor said no such thing at all. It may be your WIFE'S concoction so she can contact the OM again with your blessing.

Why not just call the counselor and ask her straight out if she actually told your wife to RESUME HER AFFAIR? [because contact is a resumption of the affair]

"Closure" will come when YOU contact the OMW's wife. She will very likely make sure that door is really "closed." You should also do this. CLOSE the door on that affair, my friend.

OH

MY

GOSH!!!!!!

Dump this counselor....pronto!!!!

What?!? This hasn't been done yet?

ffordman, please tell us you plan to do this. Nothing else matters until this gets done.


Yes, it is THAT important!!!

Update: I made contact with OM's wife. I told her what happened and where we are at right now. She found out from people in town and confronted her husband. She didn't tell much about were they are at but her husband did say to her he is affraid to contact my wife because of what my dad had said to my wife about breaking his legs if she made contact with him. Which I did not know about until I contacted OM's wife. I wasn't happy about that. It was a good weekend but it is hard for me to keep going. It seems she is fighting emotions in her head right now.