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Your dad is a good man

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It definitely helps with the no contact.

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Originally Posted by ffordman
Update: I made contact with OM's wife. I told her what happened and where we are at right now. She found out from people in town and confronted her husband. She didn't tell much about were they are at but her husband did say to her he is affraid to contact my wife because of what my dad had said to my wife about breaking his legs if she made contact with him. Which I did not know about until I contacted OM's wife. I wasn't happy about that. It was a good weekend but it is hard for me to keep going. It seems she is fighting emotions in her head right now.

Well, you know that your wife contacted the OM after your father talked to her. Guess she didn't consider it a serious threat. Or was that part of the "closure conversation" that the idiot counselor suggested?

AM


BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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That was the idiot counselor that suggested that. The OM was affraid to go home with his boys when I found out she called him and then I called him before my wife told me. I had to send him a text telling him he could go back home because nothing would happen because my wife was told to contact. Trying to get her to drop this guy counselor.

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Originally Posted by ffordman
That was the idiot counselor that suggested that. The OM was affraid to go home with his boys when I found out she called him and then I called him before my wife told me. I had to send him a text telling him he could go back home because nothing would happen because my wife was told to contact. Trying to get her to drop this guy counselor.

Do you enjoy placing your foot in your mouth?
Don't call the affair partner.
The only message he should receive from you is Stay Away From My Marriage!

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When I contacted OM after my WW's counselor told her to. I called him and said "I thought I told you no contact with my wife" he hung up and was afraid to go home with his boys. I'm so lost as to what to do next? I'm struggling to keep going and sick of the deadline of end of October she put on our marriage. Is that normal with a WW in the fog? I don't really many people to talk to , so I do appreciate all the input I can get.

Last edited by ffordman; 09/15/14 12:59 PM.
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You are in Plan A.

Plan A means doing everything possible to kill the affair.

Exposure.

Eliminate all your love busters.

This time can be so stressful on the betrayed spouse that Dr.Harley often recommends seeing a doctor for a prescription for anti-depressant medication. Make sure you are eating properly and getting exercise and sleep.





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What about starting counseling? Now, never or when the fog lifts?

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Originally Posted by ffordman
What about starting counseling? Now, never or when the fog lifts?

Counseling is usually a disaster for marriages, especially for marriages dealing with adultery. As you have experienced, most counselors have no idea how to deal with adultery nor how affair "fog" works.

Have you gotten the book Surviving an Affair? Have you looked through the checklist MelodyLane gave you?





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Yes I'm reading the book now. My Ww said she would read it. Yes I have gone through checklist and and have done all. Thinking of asking WW to do the online $995.00 program?

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Originally Posted by ffordman
When I contacted OM after my WW's counselor told her to. I called him and said "I thought I told you no contact with my wife" he hung up and was afraid to go home with his boys. I'm so lost as to what to do next? I'm struggling to keep going and sick of the deadline of end of October she put on our marriage. Is that normal with a WW in the fog? I don't really many people to talk to , so I do appreciate all the input I can get.

Have you fully exposed this and posted OM on Cheaterville?

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Yes it is fully exposed. Cheaterville?

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Yes, I would post OM on www.cheaterville.com
Make mention that he continues to pursue the affair and post some proof if you have it.
Internet exposure places pressure on the affair.
In your case, It sounds like it's still ongoing.

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Originally Posted by ffordman
That was the idiot counselor that suggested that. The OM was affraid to go home with his boys when I found out she called him and then I called him before my wife told me. I had to send him a text telling him he could go back home because nothing would happen because my wife was told to contact. Trying to get her to drop this guy counselor.


I would raise holy hell with this moronic, marriage wrecking "counselor." His advice could well destroy your marriage. You can tell him his advice could easily cause the resumption of an affair and is never advocated by clinical psychologist, Dr. Bill Harley, founder of Marriage Builders.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Update: Recap:20 years together-15 years married-4 kids -went through breast cancer 2 years ago - woke up one day said didn't love me anymore and wanted to date other people - found out OM Cause - was on plan A until she got counselor for herself.
9-20-14 My wife left the house after I tried getting her away from the counselor she had. She moved into parents basement where she still stays when she has kids.
11-28-14 WW still seeing OM. I met someone and gets pretty serious and still with her now.
12-20-14 WW starts getting jealous and starts crying in back of my truck to my new girlfriend about how I'm not the man she thinks I am and that I will change.
1-4-2015 WW and OM file divorce papers within 2 days of eachother.
1-10-15 to 2-18-15 A number of encounters with WW and myself. Her saying things that would make any person think that she is not happy with OM and her decision.
2-25-15 I call out WW on the 2-18-15 encounter when she told me "you don't think I would rather be here" "many of times I thought I should've just stayed" " It didnt take you long to get over me and it's obviously to late to go back" I sent her an email saying how much I stilled loved her and would take her back if opportunity arose and what she has been saying didn't sound like she was happy. That was first time since WW left house that I told her I still loved her and would take her back.
2-28-15 WW responds and makes up excuses and says she is happy were she is.
3-4-15 My dad passes away WW gets super emotional and says she wants to ands needs to be there for me. I tell her no I have my girlfriend to support me now.
3-10-15 WW stops to pick up daughter and we have emotional talk and she says she isn't holding anything back anymore and proceeds to tell me. That the past couple months she has started missing what we had and she thought her being there for me during my dad's passing would have brought us back together. She says she is in love with OM but loves me and misses what we had. She said if we were single right now it would be so easy, but she doesn't want to hurt OM. She said she is unsure of her future with OM. She said it's difficult with OM because he has 3 boys and we have 4 kids. She is worried if we get back and it doesn't work and that we both have feelings for other people coming back into it. Our final hearing is 4-13-15. She hasn't even lived with the OM fulltime yet and missing things. I'm so confused right now, don't even know where to start.

Last edited by ffordman; 03/11/15 09:45 AM.
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Hi fordman, thanks for the update. I am disappointed to read that you have joined the ranks of adultery. That greatly complicates issues and sends a horrible message to your children. You are a married man, SIR. You are not free to date.

My suggestion would be to stop dating immediately and go into Plan A for a short period of time (a few weeks) and then go into a dark Plan B. Plan B means a completely dark separation where she is not allowed to contact you. Any pertinent communication would have to be relayed through an intermediary.

I would also strongly suggest you move away. Your marraige will never make it as long as you live so close to the OM if you ever reconciled. If you did reconcile, she could follow you to this new place and you would be able to restore your marriage.

Your marriage can make it If you get her away from the OM and you stop dating.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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First off, it is not fair to bring another person into your marriage and secondly, what in the world is this woman thinking?? She has to understand that you are very likely to get back with your wife and she is an unneeded complication. I can understand your judgement being impaired, but hers? Does she demonstrate such poor judgment in other areas?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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FF,
Your situation is exactly why you follow the plan, not some crazy hybrid plan.

What is your goal? It is not clear! I can't imagine what your kids are thinking, with 2 wayward parents.

You should not be dating!


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Originally Posted by ffordman
I'm so confused right now, don't even know where to start.

When you develop feelings for someone it can cause confusion. This is one reason you need to not date until and unless you are divorced. You have made a complicated situation far, far more complicated, and you are making it too complicated for you to deal with.

I would strongly suggest that you not see or talk to this person you have been dating, and that you not date anyone, until and unless you are divorced.

I would also strongly encourage you to see your doctor and ask him to prescribe you some antidepressants to help you think rationally, not emotionally, so that you will be able to come up with solutions to the problems that are confusing you.

We have a plan here at Marriage Builders to save marriages. If you are interested in learning how to use that plan, many of us are willing to help you.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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