Me and my wife have been together for 20 years married 15yrs high school sweethearts. We have 4 kids 4-6-10-12. 3 years ago we had a issue were she was not happy with her body and would constantly reject me for sex, I loved her and her body no matter what I always told her. So after so much rejection I started sleeping on the couch. We never really had good communication through out our marriage, so about 2 years ago she broke down crying saying she was talking to someone else online and was unhappy with our current relationship. We talked it out about what was missing and we worked on for the next year, but during the first 3 months she would get mad because she said I was coming on to strong and was to much all of a sudden. So I found a happy medium, I thought anyways. During that first year of us working on it she started busting her [censored] and got in shape and lost about 40 lbs, but then had saggy boobs and excess stomach skin that bothered her from having and breastfeeding 4 kids. So we checked into breast implants and a tummy tuck. I busted my [censored] and saved the money and at the end of the first year of us working on us we had the procedure completed. One month later we find out she has breast cancer. One year ago we went through all the cancer surgeries and treatments (which was gerson based). All throughout I was her rock and loved her more than anything. During her cancer time we also had to deal with our 4 year old daughter who had a temper and would cry and through fits constantly causing lots of stress the past 6 months. Then I started getting stressed at my job and would bring it home to a already stressed out wife and we ended up suffering with our alone time together and grew apart. Then about a 6 weeks ago she tells her best friend she thinks she falling out of love with me. Telling her because I'm negative all the time, I never want to go out and that she feels trapped and doesn't know who she is. One week later she tells me she doesn't love me and wants to leave, but would like to stay in house until she gets job and place. I eventually talk her into giving it 6 weeks to see if we can make it work, she agreed. As the first couple weeks go bye I feel no effort from her and ask her what is wrong. She said she doesn't know if it will work because she is lost and needs to find herself and that might be by going out on her own. Fast forward to one week ago she breaks down and tells me for the past 3 weeks she has been having an emotional affair with the guy that installed our new carpet who is kinda of a casual friend of ours and that she thinks she is in love with him and hasn't felt this with anyone before. The guy is married and has 2 kids and his marriage is on the rocks. So they both were vulnerable and he was filling her love bank when it should have been me. I never stood a chance there. After she confessed she agreed to break all contact with him and give us a shot for 2 months. I contacted him and told him. We exposed the affair with family and friends. We are at 5 days of working on it and I think she is having withdrawals. She said she doesn't know if she wants to loose the feelings for him. She says she won't force herself to loose the feelings but she will be herself and if they go and she feels something again for me at the end of October she will go on. I'm totally lost on this, one part of me wants to kick her to the curb, but I'm trying my hardest for the kids and I don't want her to regret it. I think it's like a mid life crisis. I'm 39 and she is 35. She says I would hope our marriage is worth saving. I have verified her breaking contact completely with phone text records and gps on her truck. So it seems she is trying.

Hi fordman, welcome to Marriage Builders. It sounds like you have done many of the right things necessary to save your marriage. You do not mention if you have exposed the affair to the OM's wife, though. That will be a critically necessary step.

If you will follow the program outlined in Surviving an Affair, you and your wife can fall in love again. Here is a checklist of extraordinary precautions:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Have not exposed to OM's wife. I quess she is done in that marriage and just together for kids as of now. Seems we are on right track. My wife and OM only had face to face contact during my carpet install at the house and after that is when it was messenger on Facebook, text and phone calls. Facebook is gone with both of us. She also signed herself up for a therapist and is checking on couples for us. She just keeps saying things like "she doesn't know if she wants it between us" "I didn't think you would have been able to change like you have" "what if he is the one I'm supposed to be with" "I need to find my happiness". I now her head is all over the place and she shutdown towards me at beginning. We have had sex 3 times since she told me she wanted out. Don't know if that means anything. My heart is just torn and it is rough right now since she still has feelings towards OM. Hopefully they don't last long. I give her full body massages every night and we do take occasional shower together. I don't act needy to her or try to follow her all over.

That is where I would start. This is vital information that she has a right to know. Telling her will gain you a set of eyes on that end. I would just contact her tomorrow without forewarning your wife.

Additionally, your children over age 4 should be told of the affair.


Has she blocked any and all avenues of contact? Has she changed her phone # so he can't contact her again? If he is able to get through, it is likely he WILL which makes it likely the affair will resume.

I am sorry she is seeking counseling but that will likely spell the end of your marriage. Counselors do not understand the "fog" that occurs from an affair and as such, help way wards make decisions based on their desires in the fog. For example, it would not be unusual for a counselor to tell you to move out - so she can have "space" or a "trial separation" so your wife can pursue her love interest. It has been our experience that counselors are destructive to marriages.

On the other hand, if you make sure the affair is truly shut down and follow these steps, we can restore your marriage to a passionate, romantic relationship. That is what WE have.

I'm checking into contacting OM's wife and going to talk to my wife about telling the kids. I never thought about her getting a new phone number, which is a must now. I did have long conversation with OM and he was definitely convincing about no further contact. I think my wife is attached to him more than he is to her. The consoling was a fear of mine that they will just confirm what she is thinking and make it easier for her to leave. She starts consoling on sept 10th so I do have time to talk her out of it. One other thing is she started reading the book "I AM" about self discovery which tells readers that they should do what pleases them and not other people. I think her head is in wrong state to be reading that kind of book? I did just buy the "Surviving an affair" book on Kindle and I will try to get my wife to read also.

Sir,
do NOT talk to your wife about exposure.
Please read Exposure 101. the link is below MelodyLane post above.
It will instruct you on how to perform a proper exposure.
IT IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT THAT YOU EXPOSE CORRECTLY.

Good deal! I would not recommend speaking to your wife first before you tell the kids. Just tell them everything that happened and ask them to tell you if they see the OM or see their mom speaking to him.

The program outlined in SAA will save your marriage. Most marriages do not recover from affairs. They are crippled versions of the pre-affair marriage. You don't have to be like that if you will follow this program.

Need some advice. Since my wife told me she wanted to leave I have been giving her full body massages and I don't receive anything from her. I have to give her kisses but they are just on check. No sex because she says she doesn't have feelings like that for me yet. Last night we both woke up at 130am because of the dogs. She was trying to go back to sleep and I started to tickle her neck and back and she got mad "your always on me hovering" So I rolled over and didn't touch her again. This morning she asked if I was mad and I said a little. She said sorry just feel smothered at night. It's hard for me when I put out all this effort and don't get anything in return. Should I stop doing the body massages? Should I back off a little? Is this because she still has feelings towards OM? I feel like I live with a maniken doll! At times I feel she is just staying to buy time so she can get a job and get a place of her own. But from what I have read in the SAA book it's the fog that she has right now, maybe that's all it is and I'm overreacting and to anxious. That book is spot on as to how she acts.

It is not a good idea for you to post new questions without giving us an update on the advice you were given in previous posts.

Unless you ensure that all avenues of contact are blocked, you must assume that your wife is still contacting this man. How far away does he live from you? If he is within a car journey's distance, they have probably met since you got her to "agree" to end contact. Your wife is behaving like an addict and I simply do not see her giving up this man because you asked her to.

Have you contacted his wife?

Have you told your kids about the affair? How old are they?

Is your wife a stay-at-home mother?

Your wife is not in love with you because she is in love with someone else. She is a fogged out wayward. Yes, back off on the touching.

Have you exposed the affair to OM's wife and to your children? Where are you with the things on the above checklist?

BTW, there is no such thing as a mid-life crisis. This is an affair. You need to bust it up.

AM

Sorry about the update. I gave told kids, hardest thing I've ever had to do. I left voice message with wife to call me. I will be calling again. Kids are 4-6-10-12. Yes she is a stay at home mom and has said to me that maybe if she gets a job it will take her mind off of OM to help get rid of feelings. Recent phone and text records have checked out. Gas on truck is good. She doesn't hide her phone I have checked email accounts. The body massages she almost expects every night now because they are like habit and there are really no boundaries, besides direct vaginal. Do I still stop those? The only thing on the checklist is Contacting OM's wife which I'm in process.

You are rather hung up on the body massages. I think these are the least of your problems. The basic rule for a man in Plan A (which is you) is to do NOTHING that make love bank withdrawals for your wife, and to do whatever she will allow that makes love bank deposits. In other words, do nothing at all to annoy her. If you try to do something in good faith, thinking that she will like it and she does not, stop doing that thing and never do it again.

Apply this rule to the body massages.

I suspect you are focused on these because you hope they will stimulate her interest in having sex with you again. It's perfectly fine to hope inside your head that she will become interested in you again, but your behaviour towards her must be impeccable. If you put her under any pressure (however subtle or indirect) to have sex or do anything that fulfills YOUR needs, you will turn her off and create LB withdrawals. Stop that.

Back to exposure: What exactly did you tell your kids? What words did you use? How have they responded to their mother about the news?

Do not leave voice mails!!!! That is a really silly thing to do. You have given OM an easy chance to intercept a message (even a simple one saying "please call me back") and then, forewarned that you intend to talk to his wife, for him to spin a story to his wife about a crazy man who is making up stories about his (your) wife having an affair with her husband (him).

You need to get on with contacting OMW urgently. This is the best weapon you have to ensure NC. You also need to put a keylogger on your wife's devices. You are checking the email accounts that you know about, but it is easy enough for her to open new accounts at any time, and you will only find those out with a keylogger.

If she is a SAHM she has ample time to see OM during the day. If she does not appear to be travelling to see him, he could be visiting your house to see her. You need to become much more active with snooping.

Have you talked with OM's BW yet?

Update: I have not talked to OMs BW but a mutual friend of ours was so disgusted with this that she spread it threw the town he lives in and wife found out. He is afraid to have contact. Wife did go to her therapy on wensday the 10th which I tried talking her out of but she insisted she needed it for herself. The counselor instructed her to make contact with OM for closer since she was cut off so sudden and hasn't had contact in 2 weeks. I did not like that at all 2 weeks down the drain. She has been starting to show me affection reaching to hold my hand, giving me a hug when I get home, giving me a kiss on cheek when she leaves and offering to do my back at night. Now it seems every time she gets together with her best friend they get into it, in which her best friend drills her on the situation and makes her all emotional. Then me and my wife have to talk it out and she says that if it keeps up she doesn't know if she can stay because of the stress. Question 1= Should I contact the couple people that keep bringing it up to back off for now? Question 2= Should I have my wife read Surving An Affair?

That is a great idea!! And maybe they should have sex too? That will really provide "closure" won't it?



I am hoping that you and your wife know better than to actually take this marriage wrecking, destructive advice, because contacting an affair partner for "closure" is about like an alcoholic drinking again to get "closure." Your "counselor is the enemy of your marriage and I would URGE you to INSIST your wife stop seeing this dangerous person.

In the meantime, I would CALL the OMW *TODAY* and tell her the full story before the OM gets to her and spins the story.



Those people can say or do whatever they choose. Please don't waste your time trying to control them. And yes, you should show her the book Survving an Affair and start following the program in it.

But first things first: CALL THE OMW!!

"Closure" means to CLOSE, not open. Your wife's "counselor" is only telling your wife what she wants to HEAR. Or perhaps the counselor said no such thing at all. It may be your WIFE'S concoction so she can contact the OM again with your blessing.

Why not just call the counselor and ask her straight out if she actually told your wife to RESUME HER AFFAIR? [because contact is a resumption of the affair]

"Closure" will come when YOU contact the OMW's wife. She will very likely make sure that door is really "closed." You should also do this. CLOSE the door on that affair, my friend.

OH

MY

GOSH!!!!!!

Dump this counselor....pronto!!!!

What?!? This hasn't been done yet?

ffordman, please tell us you plan to do this. Nothing else matters until this gets done.


Yes, it is THAT important!!!

Update: I made contact with OM's wife. I told her what happened and where we are at right now. She found out from people in town and confronted her husband. She didn't tell much about were they are at but her husband did say to her he is affraid to contact my wife because of what my dad had said to my wife about breaking his legs if she made contact with him. Which I did not know about until I contacted OM's wife. I wasn't happy about that. It was a good weekend but it is hard for me to keep going. It seems she is fighting emotions in her head right now.

Your dad is a good man

It definitely helps with the no contact.

Well, you know that your wife contacted the OM after your father talked to her. Guess she didn't consider it a serious threat. Or was that part of the "closure conversation" that the idiot counselor suggested?

AM

That was the idiot counselor that suggested that. The OM was affraid to go home with his boys when I found out she called him and then I called him before my wife told me. I had to send him a text telling him he could go back home because nothing would happen because my wife was told to contact. Trying to get her to drop this guy counselor.

Do you enjoy placing your foot in your mouth?
Don't call the affair partner.
The only message he should receive from you is Stay Away From My Marriage!

When I contacted OM after my WW's counselor told her to. I called him and said "I thought I told you no contact with my wife" he hung up and was afraid to go home with his boys. I'm so lost as to what to do next? I'm struggling to keep going and sick of the deadline of end of October she put on our marriage. Is that normal with a WW in the fog? I don't really many people to talk to , so I do appreciate all the input I can get.

You are in Plan A.

Plan A means doing everything possible to kill the affair.

Exposure.

Eliminate all your love busters.

This time can be so stressful on the betrayed spouse that Dr.Harley often recommends seeing a doctor for a prescription for anti-depressant medication. Make sure you are eating properly and getting exercise and sleep.

What about starting counseling? Now, never or when the fog lifts?

Counseling is usually a disaster for marriages, especially for marriages dealing with adultery. As you have experienced, most counselors have no idea how to deal with adultery nor how affair "fog" works.

Have you gotten the book Surviving an Affair? Have you looked through the checklist MelodyLane gave you?

Yes I'm reading the book now. My Ww said she would read it. Yes I have gone through checklist and and have done all. Thinking of asking WW to do the online $995.00 program?

Have you fully exposed this and posted OM on Cheaterville?

Yes it is fully exposed. Cheaterville?

Yes, I would post OM on www.cheaterville.com
Make mention that he continues to pursue the affair and post some proof if you have it.
Internet exposure places pressure on the affair.
In your case, It sounds like it's still ongoing.

I would raise holy hell with this moronic, marriage wrecking "counselor." His advice could well destroy your marriage. You can tell him his advice could easily cause the resumption of an affair and is never advocated by clinical psychologist, Dr. Bill Harley, founder of Marriage Builders.

Here. Beware of Bad Counselors

Update: Recap:20 years together-15 years married-4 kids -went through breast cancer 2 years ago - woke up one day said didn't love me anymore and wanted to date other people - found out OM Cause - was on plan A until she got counselor for herself.
9-20-14 My wife left the house after I tried getting her away from the counselor she had. She moved into parents basement where she still stays when she has kids.
11-28-14 WW still seeing OM. I met someone and gets pretty serious and still with her now.
12-20-14 WW starts getting jealous and starts crying in back of my truck to my new girlfriend about how I'm not the man she thinks I am and that I will change.
1-4-2015 WW and OM file divorce papers within 2 days of eachother.
1-10-15 to 2-18-15 A number of encounters with WW and myself. Her saying things that would make any person think that she is not happy with OM and her decision.
2-25-15 I call out WW on the 2-18-15 encounter when she told me "you don't think I would rather be here" "many of times I thought I should've just stayed" " It didnt take you long to get over me and it's obviously to late to go back" I sent her an email saying how much I stilled loved her and would take her back if opportunity arose and what she has been saying didn't sound like she was happy. That was first time since WW left house that I told her I still loved her and would take her back.
2-28-15 WW responds and makes up excuses and says she is happy were she is.
3-4-15 My dad passes away WW gets super emotional and says she wants to ands needs to be there for me. I tell her no I have my girlfriend to support me now.
3-10-15 WW stops to pick up daughter and we have emotional talk and she says she isn't holding anything back anymore and proceeds to tell me. That the past couple months she has started missing what we had and she thought her being there for me during my dad's passing would have brought us back together. She says she is in love with OM but loves me and misses what we had. She said if we were single right now it would be so easy, but she doesn't want to hurt OM. She said she is unsure of her future with OM. She said it's difficult with OM because he has 3 boys and we have 4 kids. She is worried if we get back and it doesn't work and that we both have feelings for other people coming back into it. Our final hearing is 4-13-15. She hasn't even lived with the OM fulltime yet and missing things. I'm so confused right now, don't even know where to start.

Hi fordman, thanks for the update. I am disappointed to read that you have joined the ranks of adultery. That greatly complicates issues and sends a horrible message to your children. You are a married man, SIR. You are not free to date.

My suggestion would be to stop dating immediately and go into Plan A for a short period of time (a few weeks) and then go into a dark Plan B. Plan B means a completely dark separation where she is not allowed to contact you. Any pertinent communication would have to be relayed through an intermediary.

I would also strongly suggest you move away. Your marraige will never make it as long as you live so close to the OM if you ever reconciled. If you did reconcile, she could follow you to this new place and you would be able to restore your marriage.

Your marriage can make it If you get her away from the OM and you stop dating.

First off, it is not fair to bring another person into your marriage and secondly, what in the world is this woman thinking?? She has to understand that you are very likely to get back with your wife and she is an unneeded complication. I can understand your judgement being impaired, but hers? Does she demonstrate such poor judgment in other areas?

FF,
Your situation is exactly why you follow the plan, not some crazy hybrid plan.

What is your goal? It is not clear! I can't imagine what your kids are thinking, with 2 wayward parents.

You should not be dating!

When you develop feelings for someone it can cause confusion. This is one reason you need to not date until and unless you are divorced. You have made a complicated situation far, far more complicated, and you are making it too complicated for you to deal with.

I would strongly suggest that you not see or talk to this person you have been dating, and that you not date anyone, until and unless you are divorced.

I would also strongly encourage you to see your doctor and ask him to prescribe you some antidepressants to help you think rationally, not emotionally, so that you will be able to come up with solutions to the problems that are confusing you.

We have a plan here at Marriage Builders to save marriages. If you are interested in learning how to use that plan, many of us are willing to help you.

X2. If you want to date, get divorced and find someone with sense.

You know an affairage won't last anyway, this woman knows she is just a revenge affair and you are still courting your WW.

That is some very low hanging fruit and I hope you will tell your children that you have been juggling ladies while their world falls apart.
.You owe them an apology.

Yesterday I broke it off with the girl I was seeing. Had long conversation with WW about us last night. My WW says the OM found out she is back in contact with me and OM is having insucurity issues and almost broke it off the other night. WW keeps telling me what if it doesn't work with us and I lose you and OM. WW says she feels forced, doesn't want to act on what she is feeling for me yet and doesn't want to hurt OM. WW says let it happen natural on its own. WW has me so confused how she is acting. WW keeps having these encounters with me to see if she feels something and then makes it easier for her to let OM go?? I know she is not completely happy but seems to be hooked on OM salesman skills yet.


My WW is on the fence,but still wants to go through with divorce, do I keep in regular contact with her? Do I start messaging OM telling him to stay away?

Her reaction is exactly what I expected. The OM is like crack and she is severely addicted. That is why I suggested moving away. If you move away and go into a dark Plan B, her affair will start crumbling. The future of her affair is hopeless and it won't last.

If you do a stellar Plan A in the time it takes to get moved away, by the time you go into Plan B and move her affair will have crumbled and she can follow you to the new place. Moving away will best for you all, because if she lives there, she will be perpetually triggered by the OM. You will also be perpetually triggered by this traumatic event if you stay there.

That was a great move.... Good for you for following through...

WW doesn't live with me anymore, how would moving away help? What is a dark plan b?

The point of moving away is to lure her away from that area. If she lives in the same town as the OM, she will be perpetually triggered by him as a crackhead is around crack. Therefore, your marriage can only survive if you move away. If you live in another town/state, when her affair ends, she can follow you there. That would set you up for the potential for recovery.

Plan B is a completely dark separation where you have no contact with her.

OM lives in another town 15 miles away in an area we never had to go before. Do I write her one last message explaining that I still love her but can't keep getting pulled back and forth?

See, it will be too tempting for her with him being so close. That is the point of moving. Getting away from him will give you and your wife the best chance for recovery. She can't ever withdraw from her addiction if she is right there.

I would not send her such a message at all. I would keep putting your best foot forward and try to attract her back for a few weeks. Did you read Surviving an Affair?

I would also strongly suggest you read this thread. This husband did a stellar Plan A and Plan B and he and his wife are back together. http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2815007&page=1

I did read it, but it was 6 months ago. I will read it again and refresh. So you suggest basically plan A for about 3 weeks then go dark? I think another problem is that my WWs parents have accepted OM and allow him in their home with my kids.

Do you have Surviving an Affair? Have you read it?

Yes I read it 6 months ago, but need to reread and refresh.

Keep your kids away from the OM. They don't need to be taught that adultery is an acceptable lifestyle. You can tell your scummy inlaws that you don't appreciate their support of the destruction of your marriage and their grandchildrens family. Their support of this affair is harmful to those kids.

I would let your wife know today that your kids are not be exposed to her affair.

I would also ask your inlaws to stop allowing her to conduct her affair from their home. What kind of of parenfs do that? If she has access to your finances, I would shut that off immediately.

I'm going to do my best keeping them away from OM. I'm going to talk to my in laws.

Should I keep having encounters at my house that last for hours with WW? WW told me last time she felt so comfortable and could have sat and talked all night.


Also in past I never directly talked to OM wife, should I get in contact and get as much info on him as possible?

What is your goal? reconciliation? or not?

NebDane Yes I want her back.

Listen to Melody.
You have to Plan A. But you need to protect your kids as well.

Just let your wife know that the kids are NEVER to be around this unfit adult. They should not be dragged into her adultery. I am really shocked that her parents are so uncaring and unloving towards their own daughter and her children that they would enable her in that way. I would ask them to support your marriage and your chidden instead of the affair. [when you get back with your wife I would cut these toxic people out of your lives]



HELL YES!


HELL YES!





[/quote]

I can't believe that you never directly spoke to the OMW.

I can't believe that you have not yet moved your WW far away from the OM. That 15 miles is not enough when 1,500 miles is needed.

WW says she wants to continue with divorce, which is final 4-13-2015. WW says she doesnt want act on hear feelings towards me yet. She's unsure of OM but doesn't want to hurt him and wants us getting back together to happen natural. WW says if OM not in picture we would be together. WW wants to see where it goes with OM and thinks she is feeling the way she is because she is not fully living with him. WW says what if it doesn't work between us and then I lose OM and you. WW friend says after talking with her that WW is torn.

I can't even think straight with the lose of my dad and this with my WW. She has me so confused. I want to delay the divorce date but not sure how that will affect her?

Is she considering moving in with the OM?

Yes she wants to move in with OM. She thinks that is her solution to how she is feeling towards me and what she misses.

That will actually kill the affair faster than anything. I know it will truly hurt you, but it will mean the fastest death of the affair because it will ruin the fantasy.

How long has the affair been going on now? How long have you been in plan A?

I told WW her feelings would just get worse moving in with OM. Affair has been going for 5-6 months with WW out of the marital house, 2-3 months while in Marital house.

I went back to plan A about 3 weeks ago after WW was showing signs of regret and missing what she once had. Otherwise contact was just swapping kids for last 4 months.

Don't tell her anything. I would not try to stop her because it will likely kill her affair. BUT, I would contact your attorney and get primary custody of the kids and get it added to your papers that the children are never to be around this scumbag. Your attorney will tell you it can't be done, so you will need to tell him to figure it out. Most of the folks here have that stipulation in their custody papers and almost every single one was told it couldn't be done.

How is your health holding up? Dr. Harley does recommend that betrayed husbands start thinking about Plan B after about 6 months because staying in this situation too long can be harmful to your health.

What is the situation with the OM and his wife? Does she know the affair is alive and well?

Melody,

From what FF wrote earlier, see his first post, about 2.5 to 3 years ago his WW was "communicating" with someone online, so this is very long term.

God Bless
Gamma

My health is good considering everything going on.

OMs divorce is final 2 days after mine.

OMs wife gladly left because she didn't want anything to do with him for the whole 15 years they were married. He got her pregnant when he was 28 and she was 21 and they got married because of it.

What is your financial and child custody agreement? Does your wife have a job? How will she support herself?

I took everything. I gave her $2000.00 toward another vehicle.

WW had to get a fulltime job that she is stressed about.

50/50 on placement

Try to get primary custody, not 50/50.

Can you get primary custody? And I would definitely get it put in your papers that your children never be exposed to her affair partner. He is an unfit adult.

Because of your actions/lack of action, you have put custody at 50/50.
You should be seeking full custody and the exclusion of opposite sex visitors. Force your attorney or get a new one, this is common practice.

Is it possible in a no fault state to get full custody and to keep kids away from OM?

We have many who have kept their children away from OP's in no fault states. But I don't understand how your wife can get 50/50 if she doesn't have a home? What does your lawyer say about this?

It is Impossible if you do not try.

LTL

Not sure if I'm supposed to do a recap? But divorce was final today. My WW is still living with the OM, but she keeps telling me she misses us. 3 days ago one of my daughters kept saying "I wish mommy would just move in with us" breaks my heart. I told my WW what she said and WW said "If only it was that easy" she says things have gone to far and to much mud slinging has happened for anything to work. She's worried about what other people think. She says she is torn and confused and wishes she could talk to someone who is unbiased about us. This is driving me crazy. I think she feels she is trapped. I'm trying to convince her to talk to someone with me.

ffordman, I would strongly suggest you go into Plan B. Your wife is not serious about coming back. She doesn't need to talk to someone. She just wants to keep you around to meet the needs not met by the OM.

Your very best bet would be to go into a pitch black Plan B. You would benefit in many different ways. First off, with you out of the picture, the onus will fall on the OM to meet all of her needs. He is a rat who will never do a good job. That will cause conflict in the affair and give her more motivation to come back.. But it is clear right now she is not serious or she would be back. Nothing is stopping her.

The second good outcome is that, if she doesn't come back, you would be emotionally detached from her and could move on with you life. But hanging around hoping for something to happen that is not going to happen is just going to make you sick and wear you down emotionally and physcially when you could be using that time to heal up and meet someone new.

Sorry to hear about your divorce.

I told her nothing was stopping her. I think I need to go into plan b, I'm wore out physically and mentally. Just sucks I gave my whole heart and soul to that girl for 21years through times when most men would've walked away. Especially sucks for my 4 kids.

You have given this your best shot. Now its time to take care of yourself for your kids! If you will go into a dark plan B, you will feel amazingly better than you have in a matter of a few weeks.

I would send her a Plan B letter as outlined in SAA. Set up an intermediary who can screen out any non pertinent communication from her. Are you familiar with Plan B?

I'm going to do dark plan B, I need to. I will look at the plan again to familiarize myself. I will also send her the letter... Thank you for the input MelodyLane

Sorry about your divorce.

The Plan B template from SAA is in here.
How to Plan B Correctly

So I have a couple questions. I'm not fully in plan b yet, but over weekend heard from some mutual friends on how my ex wife has been saying her and the OM meet. Lol, what a joke she's been saying it was after she was out of house and filed for divorce. 1st question is Do I expose again to everyone of their friends on both of their Facebook accounts before I delete mine? Or do I just ignore it? 2nd question OM has been text messaging my 11 year old daughter saying how pretty she is and if she has a boy in her life. Not sure how to handle that? Or if I'm overreacting? At least her answer was her dad Thanks for any advice, past month has been very hard for me.

I would go so far as to contact the POLICE. He is GROOMING your daughter! I would not be surprised if he's a pedophile and thats the beginning of his grooming her. Call the police.

No, you are not over reacting. At the least, he has proven he has inappropriate boundaries with little girls. (what grown man texts a little girl!?!) at worst, he is a pedophile. He has already proven himself a predator with your wife. Read 'Identifying Child Molesters' by Carol Van Dam.

Small boundary violations like this are how pedophiles test the child and adults to see how much he or she can get away with.

Have you done a background check on OM?

I have only looked him up on ccap court records, I believe the social worker in my divorce custody battle did background checks. I need to check into it.

YIKES.

What everyone else said. I would take this very seriously. He might just have bad boundaries. But that is downright creepy. Inappropriate at any age, but she's 11 years old. "You're pretty. ...is there a boy in your life?" WTH? Can you imagine saying or texting that to any 11 year old girl you know?

Keep a copy of that text. Keep all texts.

I would call the police like suggested and talk to your attorney about a restraining order. I would not want any of my children around this at best highly inappropriate person. (At worst, God only knows, and you don't want to find out.)

Just sitting here off the top of my head I thought of 3 people I know who were molested and I found out many years later.

ONE was one of my step daughters from my first marriage and the guy who did it? You guessed it - the mom's boyfriend. I remember one time he came with no warning to pick up the kids to "surprise" her. (Odd since she made no effort to see them on her own.) When he was putting them in the car her "affectionately" rubbed one of them on the back for a second. She is not the one he molested and doesn't remember anything weird about him today. But I remember something about the way he did it gave me the heebie jeebies. I hugged and patted these kids all the time, but there was just something about the way he touched her that set off alarms in my head. I figured I was just paranoid.

I can never look at a person and think THEY would be a pedophile. But we know some of them are. And what better way to gain access to a child than to date her mom? Protect your children.

Yes you do. And report him texting your DD11. That is so inappropriate and you need to protect your DD11.