My friend married their affair partner last week. My brother chose the same wedding date, so I had a good excuse not to go. I wouldn't have been able to stomach the wedding.

I need to vent, or hear from others who have been through something similar.

I love this friend dearly.

This is somebody who was always a stand up person. They were with their ex-spouse for 7 years, no kids.

My friend and I drifted for the first half of last and then started talking frequently right after their marriage fell apart. I was a big fan of the ex-spouse, although we weren't close, and very sad that they broke up.

Right up until the very end, my friend held up a lovey dovey presence on social media about how wonderful the marriage was.

I later found out later that the affair was going on for the last 9 months of the marriage.

Days after the marriage was officially separated, my friend and their Affair Partner went public in a loud, over the top way, telling everyone they were soul mates, saying "the love of my life", etc. They are still acting like that. They are acting like teenagers in their first relationship.

When I finally met the Affair Partner, they told me how long they had actually been together and the "overlap" with my friend's marriage. They seemed to think it was something to feel giddy and proud of.

I felt very on the spot and strangely hurt and that they should have had enough respect for me as a friend to not put me on the spot like that. I felt like they were pushing me to see how far I would go without judging them.

I feel as though there were a lot of was to handle the affair/falling in love with somebody else was leaving, but they chose the least classy and most hurtful way possible for everyone besides themselves and the Affair Partner's friends/family. (Affair Partner was not married.)

The Affair Partner's friends/family are acting like my friend and this marriage is the greatest idea in the world. The Betrayed Spouse and their friends/family are heartbroken.

Isn't there a rule that you can't build happiness on other people's pain?

I have spoken to the ex to give them support/offer good thoughts, and was told, quite politely and kindly, that they had been through so much pain and destruction at the hands of my friend that they couldn't stay in touch with any of the ex's friends. I said I understood and wished them well. My heart breaks for the Betrayed Spouse.

I am one of the few old friends my friend is in touch with. The rest are disgusted and bewildered by their behavior.

I have truly tried to befriend the new spouse, but they have been pretty rude to me and I get the sense that they are trying to cut out all reminders of my friend's "old life".

This friend has been an important part of my life, but I'm at a loss right now. I want to shake them and say, "What the hell is wrong with you?"

And now they're officially married.

I feel like I am being holier than thou or judgmental but their behavior has really hurt and baffled me.

From reading some other posts about affairages, it seems like their behavior is pretty text book, huh?

This has all happened in less than a year. My friend filed for divorce in December.

I'm sad about a lot of things. I feel I can't trust this friend anymore, since they were so capable of being deceptive and phony. The way the new spouse treats me was terrible and rude.

This has nothing to do with me, but I am so sad and confused and wondering how this will likely turn out.

Are these couples ever as blissfully happy and "soulmates" like they think they are?

Welcome to MB.

Your post is entirely gender neutral. What are the sexes of these people - your friend, the original spouse and the new spouse?

Sorry--good friend is a guy, was married to a woman, left for another woman. My friend and his ex-wife are both 33, the new wife is 31. I grew up with him.

You can't trust them!
That's old, old common sense that an adulterer is the least trustworthy person on the planet.
Henry Ford would FIRE any known adulterer...he said that if the person can't be trusted to be loyal and honest with his/her spouse, then how could that cheater be trusted by their employer?!

I know I knew that. This whole thing has been extremely upsetting to me. I always thought he was one of the truly stand-up guys I knew.

He and his new wife are acting so blissfully unaware of all the hurt and pain they have caused.

But is there any chance of this new marriage lasting? I just can't imagine it being possible.

Just back away and leave them be and find new friends.

No need to force a relationship with your old friend.

I have a friend who did the same thing and I told her I couldn't be friends with anyone who did such a thing. And think about that for a moment: who would choose a "friend" who believes in lying and cheating? I would never trust such a person. Nor would I ever want to endorse adultery.

I will add that if this "friend" ever wakes up from the affair fog, he will not remember you fondly if you supported this affair. He will view you as an enabler. He will eventually realize he made the worst mistake of his life.

Their affairage is doomed. The very traits that made it possible, deceit, selfishness and thoughtlessness will eventually destroy the relationship. These relationships are built on the very worst traits so once the gloss wears off [which usually happens quickly] there is nothing to hold them together. They will obviously not be able to trust each other out of their sight.

Affairs have a 95% of failure. Of the 5% that do make it to marriage, there is a 80% failure rate within 5 years.

I have worked for 2 Fortune 500 companies since 1989 and this is something that hiring managers talk about. If a person is a known adulterer, they are quietly managed out. If it is a workplace affair, they are fired. Character is so important and most people can not get past the trust problem.

Very few affairages turn out to be happy in the long term. The problem is that they started out with deception, dishonesty, and independent behavior. The likelihood of those traits continuing on into the new marriage is quite high.

One person in an affairage told me that she fakes her happiness and refuses to give up on the marriage, because, "everything we did would have been for nothing."

Thank you.

The moment they bragged about how long they had been together, I realized how sick I felt about all of this. I feel like had they show some remorse, it would have been one thing but they were so proud and shameless that it was hard for me to look them in the eye.

I keep remembering how this friend was in the olden days, we've known each other since we were little. Our families were very close and we were raised like cousins and then we went to college together, so we were always in each other's lives and he always looked out for me. He was such a good guy and his ex-wife is a wonderful person.

Ughhhhh. Thanks. I needed to vent. Funny how a betrayal that had nothing to do with you can hurt you.

And, of course, I don't blame everything on "the other woman" but:

Would a good person really get involved with somebody she knew was married and then happily flaunt the fact that she hooked up with a married man?

She's been terrible to me. She's nice to me in front of my friend, but the few times I have been around her, she's acted cold and annoyed by my presence.

I guess there's a chance she doesn't trust a female friend. She knows he wanders.

Okay, I'm cutting off communication. They're in their own little world. I doubt he'd even notice.

Thanks.

Is rushing into marriage common for affairages?

Let me point out that being friends with a married man is a bad idea for you in the first place. That's how affairs start!

People who don't have affairs don't have opposite sex friends. It's that simple. Opposite sex friends cause a contrast effect that makes the marriage less satisfying.

Why do you care so much about this man's marriage?

All of us would have an affair under some circumstances. None of us would have an affair under other circumstances. Having a female friend is not a trustworthy thing for a married man to do, so of course his wife should not trust him. It would be irrational and emotionally dangerous for a wife to force herself to trust a husband who is acting in an untrustworthy manner.

I imagine his ex-wife didn't trust him at all with all the female friends he apparently had.

She didn't deserve this at all, nor did their children, if any.


The people who are really hurting here are his wife and children.

There's a factor in this story that would explain why our friendship always was and always will be 100% platonic but I was not comfortable posting it here. I was about to PM you but you don't accept them.

Are you married?

Don't you dare PM my husband!
You have very poor boundaries.