It's not that he's the kind of guy that wanders. There aren't guys who wander and guys who do not. ALL of us would have affairs under certain circumstances. ALL of us.

It's not the kind of guy he is or that he is or isn't a standup guy or whatever else. It's his behavior. Married people who accept opposite sex friends are the people who end up having affairs. Especially the ones who say it could never happen to them.

Read this information about how affairs start:

How do Affairs Begin?

Anatomy of Adultery

chapter 13 of His Needs, Her Needs

You're welcome to tell me and my wife together.

Whatever the factor is, I can almost guarantee that I've seen an affair here that started with that factor present, supposedly guaranteeing no affair was possible. Are you half-siblings? Full-siblings? Married to his brother? Major age difference? I've seen it!!

You were about to PM a man who first posted to you just a little while ago?

Quite apart from the wrongness of wanting to PM a married man, what makes you think that someone you don't know from Adam would keep your secret? What would stop him from PM the message all over the board, or even posting it here?

There are some oddities about your story and that is one of them. The closeness of your friendship to your married male friend is another.

I'm a lesbian and he's the first person I came out to in college. He's been one of my best friends for a long time and he always looked out for me when I was struggling. The reason I feel so close to him is because he WAS there for me when I was at my worst. That's why it's so hard for me to accept that he's not the guy I thought he was.

I didn't feel comfortable sharing that and, yes, the new wife isn't nice to me even though I'm not a threat, but some are wary of any member of the opposite sex regardless.

Sorry for the misunderstanding, but, yes, our friendship is completely platonic.

I've seen men on here who had affairs with lesbians and women who have had affairs with gays. Many a straight person has suddenly found out they are gay, and many a gay person has suddenly found out they are bi.


The point is that they should be wary!

Did you read the links I posted about how affairs start?

You could begin to have romantic feelings for this man or any man as a result of a close friendship with him. If that were to happen, you wouldn't be the first lifelong lesbian I've come across who embarked on a relationship with a man.

We've known each other 28 years. I've been gay that entire time. Nothing will ever happen.

Wow. I was honestly very upset and disappointed in a guy I held in very high regard for cheating on his wife. I said several times how much I liked his ex wife, how terrible I felt for her and how I reached out to her after the break up.

And somehow I'm the shady one?

Are gay men and straight women allowed to be close friends or did I miss that memo too?

My point is that he was shady for continuing to be friends with you after he was married. You're not the one who made a lifelong vow to forsake all others - HE is. And he didn't do that. He should have forsaken you and other women, but he did not, and as a result, predictably, he had an affair.

Did you read the links I posted about how affairs start?

I wouldn't stand for my husband having a close friendship with a woman whether she was a lesbian or not. The woman in that friendship is a threat to me no matter how strongly she claims that the relationship can only ever be platonic.

I think that, as well as avoiding this couple whose values you (quite rightly) dislike, you should learn in general to respect the rights of the wife in a marriage. She has a right to expect her husband not to have close female friends, and she shouldn't be made to feel unreasonable for not wanting them around. You should have ended you close friendship to him at the start of his first marriage.

So who are gay people allowed to be friends with?

Using your logic, we shouldn't be allowed to be friends with each other, either.

His wife and I weren't that close, but we were friends and she was cool with me.

She wasn't cool with him cheating on her, obviously, but she knew I was gay and didn't care that we were friends.

And this is why I didn't want to talk about being gay or the sexes of the couple in my original post.

Should have just said he was my cousin, since that is how we were raised since we were toddlers. My mistake.

A gay person who wants to be faithful needs to guard his or her boundaries as much as everybody else does. Close friendships with people of the opposite sex might not be a high threat to their relationships, but they are a threat. I know there have been affairs in such situations.

Dr Harley's Marriage Builders has been derived as a result of research into traditional marriage and relationships. We know how affairs between opposite sex persons start; they usually start with friendships. They usually start with conversation and spending time doing interesting things together. We know how people fall in love with each other; it is when their emotional needs are well met.

Really, anyone can fall in love with anyone else whom they allow to meet their emotional needs. We know how to avoid that happening with opposite sex, married individuals; avoid opposite sex friendships and spending time alone with opposite sex individuals.

Honestly, I really do mean well and have felt very saddened and disappointed in my friend and very, very hurt for his wife. We have a lot of friends in common and pretty much none of them speak to him anymore. Because of our families' connection, I have had a harder time walking away because we have been through a lot together.

I don't think anybody has questioned that. Or at least it certainly hasn't been my intent. But as an educational site, one of the things we do is spread the word about how affairs start.

Did you read the links I posted about how affairs start?

How would we be able to advise you about the issues if we didn't know the sexes of the people involved? We cannot give advice on incomplete information.

Cousins have relationships all the time. Some even marry. That lie would not have stopped us warning you from being too close to this married man.

But I don't go for men. I never will.

My father cheated on my mother. We went through a lot.

This guy was always a strong,dependable,protective figure in my life. Of course it's bothering me that he betrayed his wife and it is very hard to cut ties with my oldest friend.

What is the "this" that you are referring to?

We are saying that your being gay are does not matter in this situation. It does not exempt this man from avoiding a close friendship with you. We are actually giving you the same advice that we would give any woman who is close friends with a married man.

If I was a gay man, would you feel the same way? "Oh, maybe this guy will suddenly 'change' and fall for him so it's inappropriate?"

My friendship with this man was not the issue.

It's the women (and I wouldn't be surprised if there were many others before the new wife) that he cheated on his wife with. I have never cheated on anybody or pursued anybody who was in a relationship. I don't do that.

I DO think the new wife's issue with me is more that I am from his old life, knew his wife and she wants a fresh start. The only friends they socialize with are all of hers. I was curious if other people were shut out by the new spouses in an "affairage" and if this was a common thing that others dealt with. I am upset with having to accept that I had to let go of this friendship.