I would start preparing for separation now so that you are ready.

You already don't sound well and your WW is deeply in the fog with no expectation of a separation from the OM - I would only expect her attitude to remain the same or to even worsen.

Start thinking about living arrangements and see a lawyer.

So last night we were headed to my son's football game, and in the nicest way possible, I mentioned that I can't do this forever, and that if she is in the same job situation come January, then I will be forced to move in with my parents for my own mental well being. Well all hell broke loose. she was pissed. She said I can't believe you are threatening me with an ultimatum. She said you might as well just leave right now then, because I am not leaving my job. I told her that I love her with all my heart, and I want our marriage to work, but as long as she still works with him, I will never feel safe in our marriage, and we will never rebuild the trust that we need to have a lasting marriage. She said "I don't know why you can't get over this. I have done everything you have asked". I replied, that she had not yet done the first and most important thing on the list, and that is to end all contact. So, for a couple hours I was able to remain calm and loving, but then she started into the "I don't know why you have blown this so far out of proportion", and "He was just a friend, that's it". So then I started love busting a little by saying when you keep a friendship a secret from your spouse, then it is more than just friends. Then I said that by making those decisions, to lie to me, she was basically choosing him over our marriage. I brought up how it made me feel so alone and unwanted.

So, this got us on the topic of her saying "I don't know why you feel like I didn't want you. So I asked her to look at it through my perspective. I said look at this night, which is one of many examples, March 17th, I had to fill in on swing shift, and while working swings, I had a lot of downtime that I could text her back on forth. Well, after a handful of texts, she told me that she could not text anymore that night, because she had to stay busy. So I told her, that I don't understand why I feel so disconnected from you? I feel so alone. She said "I don't know why you feel that way". So a couple months later, when I found out about all the texting, I, like so many others on here, started digging into everything I could, and trying to remember dates, and what we were doing on certain days. Well, I remembered that night very clearly, because of the lonely, emotionally disconnected state that I was in. Well, it turns out, that on that night, She texted me about 10 times, and she texted him like 90 times. You could see on the timeline, where all of the sudden my number stopped showing up on there, and then there conversation really got going. They texted each other until past midnight. I said this is just one of many examples. How am I supposed to believe you when you said you wanted me, when you were not even willing to talk to me in my time of need? How do you think that makes me feel?

Anyways, the reason I bring that up, is later when we got home, she was still steaming, and out of nowhere, she says"Alright, Fine. I will quit my job" She then starts saying stuff like. I realize that if I don't do something, we will end up getting divorced. Then she told me about how she wants to be with me forever, and that she will do whatever it takes to make this work.

So, I am seeing glimpses of her coming around. She is starting to see and understand why we need to change things in our marriage, and build an affair proof marriage. I will keep you updated on the job situation. I will believe it when I see it, but it does show that she is coming to a realization.

Although this is good, because she's never said this before. I strongly caution you to watch her actions. Ask her, when will she be quitting. Is she going to start looking now?

Remind me again, did she change all her contact information?

Roughrock18

A proper Plan A to Plan B comes without warning for a lot of reasons but the main reason is because it comes out as an ultimatum to the WW spouse and causes them to say anything to prevent you from doing plan B as they do there on planning. You are now in a situation where she is motivated to lie to you to prevent you from going to plan B.

You were suppose to stay in plan A while preparing for plan B. It's going to be hard for you to deposit love units while this 'ultimatum' is hovering over your relationship. It will now become a big part of your conversations with her, as she works to convince you to change your mind.

I don't know if she has enough love units for you to leave her job, but your last conversation didn't add any. Plan A is designed to add as much love units as possible so that if you have to go into Plan B, your spouse has enough love units for you to motivate them to make the changes to get you back.

If you can't stay in plan A (which is totally understandable), you need to move to plan B because plan C does not work. The longer you stay in plan C the less likely it will be to recover your marriage. So either stay in plan A or move to plan B (so that you and her are not withdrawing any more love units from each other).

One demand that is acceptable in Plan A is to say that the affair must end to be married to you.

So, the ultimatim mentioned of leaving the marriage was in that vein of conversation.

Other than that,

in Plan A you would avoid most relationship talk, attempt to show the willingness to meet needs (though it might be blocked by a wayward), show yourself as attractive and kind even in this horrible situation.

Update on my situation. In the past I have found this to be very therapeutic, so I am just going to run through a few things that have happened since I last posted in September. First of all, things between me and my wife have been very good 90% of the time. I actually feel like myself again most days.

I have seen some major changes in my wife. Back in August when I exposed, she was so different. She was very defensive, and would fight me in everything I tried to get her to do. She refused to change shifts, and she absolutely refused to help me in the effort to put EP�s in place. Then a few weeks after exposure, it seemed like she started to open up to me more, and I actually was getting glimpses of the woman I fell in love with. Back when she fought me on everything, I was very insistent, that I would never be comfortable with the fact that she still worked in the same department as him, and that I would never feel safe in our marriage. Out of the blue one day, she tells me that she is going to go to his boss, and insist that they transfer her to another department. This surprised me because she was not willing to even discuss things like this before.

So, after meeting with the Operations manager, she said she could tell that after my exposure letter,(which as many of you said was too nice, and I now agree), when they pulled him in to reprimand him, that he blamed everything on her, and said he had nothing to do with the situation. This made my wife mad, and finally she was on board that she had to say more. So together we put together a much more detailed email of everything that he had said to her, and that clearly he had everything to do with this situation. It felt so good, that my wife was actually helping put EP�s in place. After this next email, the operations manager called her in again, and was very pissed, and said �Did he really say all of these things to you�? My wife confirmed that indeed he had said these things. After this, everything changed at her work. She said that the Operations manager told her that he would personally see to it, that she would be transferred, and that the OM would immediately be moved out the department. So in the month of October, all of these things started to take place. My wife said at work it was really weird, because they had these big meetings, where that told everybody that the OM/department head was being transferred, and that there currently wasn�t anyone to take his place. My wife is being transferred to another division, and she is excited, because it is really hard to get into this division. She has been stuck in her department for 16 years, because she is only part time, and all of the openings for other areas she applied for, would not take her because she was part time. So I feel so much better about her work situation, and I am not constantly triggered all day when she goes to work.

Another thing that has really helped our marriage, is that she is now working day shift. Because of Daycare concerns in the past, for 16 years we worked opposite shifts, which I believe is part of what contributed to our problems in the first place. Now that she is Days, I see her every evening, and we have dinner as a family, and I feel so much more emotionally connected with her. Every night before we go to sleep, we are able to talk about stuff, and it has really improved things between us.

So now about that 10% of the time where we are not doing so good. A few weeks ago I was looking through her phone, and I was reading a conversation from a friend of hers at work. They were talking about random work related things, and then her friend says �Did you hear that they are transferring �Ted�/om�? Well then the conversation didn�t make sense, and the next text was an hour later. So this peaked my curiosity, and I looked on the Verizon usage, and sure enough, she deleted 5 texts, and of course I knew that is was because she didn�t want me to read them. I asked her about it, an she got all defensive and mad, and said that she just didn�t want me to freak out, that they talked about him. I told her that is was deceitful, and that it hurt me, that after all we have been through, that she would still think it was a good Idea to hide things from me. She texted her friend, and said please forward me the conversation we had the other day about �Ted�, because I deleted it and my husband wants to read it. I was not happy about this, because I told her that it didn�t matter what the texts said, but it was the deception that hurt me. Her friend forwarded the texts, and I was able to read the 5 that she had deleted, and they didn�t really say anything that would have upset me. She was just telling her that she was part of the reason he was being transferred. I told my wife, that I can handle anything that she says to anyone, but what hurts the most, is when I feel that I am being deceived. Anyways, we had a pretty good fight that night, and then worked things out. Things have been very good since that night, and she continues to do things that surprise me, and make me feel like my old self again.

By no means do I feel like we are in the clear, but I do feel like we have made some major progress, and I am happier than I have been in a long, long time. I am just trying to deposit love units whenever I can, and avoiding LB�s at all cost. The thing I struggle with the most, is that sometimes I feel resentment and hate towards her for how cruel and cold she was back in the spring, and I just fight through those feelings. I am triggered way less often, but the feelings can still come on so strong, even after all this time.

I hope others read your post and see that things can change and that following the plans and not cherry picking is the best chance.
Especially around exposure in the workplace.

I can honestly say, that without the workplace exposure, I would still be suffering daily, like I did for almost four months. I was so afraid to expose in the workplace, but now looking back, it was one of the first times in all this mess, that I felt like I had some control in my crazy life. It was liberating.

I still struggle with resentment, when I am triggered by certain things, but I really do love my wife so much, and it scares me to death to think I almost lost her. I want to do everything I can in the future, to fortify our marriage against this kind of thing.

Was the OM transfered to another dept in the same company? Is he in the same building?

What is triggering you?

Yes, he still works for the same company, but different building. I was really hoping he would get fired, but they just transferred him to a new division. The chances of her seeing him are very slim, but still possible. I told my wife, that I will still never feel completely safe while he works in the same state, let alone for the same company.

As far as what is triggering me. I used to get triggered every time she worked, but that doesn�t bother me at all anymore. I still do get triggered by certain songs, or places we used to go while I was being deceived. For example, there was an Ice cream place that she loves, and I relate that place to a bad moment in the past. Whenever she mentions going there now, it just takes me back to that time, and there is no way in hell I want to go there now. This occurs with Restaurants, and a variety of thing and places we used to go, but usually there is a specific memory related to the place. There are a ton of places we used to go back then, that do not bother me at all.

I mentioned last week, that I still struggle with resentment, because I feel like she does not even have a clue what she put me through. I have never suffered my whole life like I did this year. I didn�t know pain and loneliness like that was even possible. I am not the same person I was a year ago. Sometimes I look at her, and think �How could the woman I devoted my life to, be so cold and mean in my hour of need�. After D-day 1, I thought things were better, and then behind me back she started things up again, and she would just lie right to my face, and even though she knew that what she was doing was causing me extreme pain, she just continued to do it, and watch me suffer. That is what made D-day 2, last May, so much more painful. I read Dr. Harleys article on resentment the other day, and it rang true in a lot of areas.

Most of the time however, I have been better then ever. I feel like myself again, and I can honestly say I am Happy again. I sleep so good now. For 10 months, I would wake up constantly in the night. I could not shut my brain off. Lately I just feel peaceful at night. She is so much more tuned into my needs. I feel so emotionally connected to her now. We are so nice to each other too. This might sound lame, but some times I feel like we are newly weds.

If you move away and she finds another job these triggers would go away.

OK, I am glad you recognize this is not a safe situation. I agree that a move is probably your best bet but at the very least you need to get her out of there ASAP. Keep this on the front burner while you continue to Plan A your W.

I honestly would rather deal with occasional triggers vs. uprooting my whole family. We have 6 kids, and live in a beautiful small town, and we are close enough to her family and my family. This is where we want to raise our kids. Some of the places that trigger me, are national chains, so I don't know if I could avoid triggers altogether.

When I am triggered now, I can usually work things out in my head a lot faster then before. I just try and find something to keep myself busy, and avoid talking to my wife until I am calmed back down. Also, they are not near as often. I still think about her EA every day, but it rarely escalates to the point I am physically ill anymore.

I have also learned the importance of never bringing up the affair. No matter what my intentions are, it never turns out good. It brings her down, and I can feel that she withdraws from me. I have decided that whenever I feel like bringing something up about the affair, I instead try to do something nice for her. I have found that when I make an extra effort to show her kindness, I can feel her open up and be extra affectionate towards me. Even though deep down I am thinking that she should be bending over backwards for me, for the pain she put me through. I just have to work through the negative thoughts, and focus on the positive. I have had to bite my tongue on more than one occasion.

Susie,
Sorry, I submitted my reply before I was able to read yours. My wife is fully aware that I want her to find another job. I was so proud of her when she was finally brave enough to go to the Operations Manager, and demand a transfer, and then afterwards she finally spoke up to management and HR on her own, which pulls a lot more weight. I have been so pleased with her efforts. She has changed shifts also, which has made a huge difference in our UA time. When I bring up her quitting, she breaks down in tears, and says I have done everything to try and make things right. I have found it is better not to bring it up anymore.

By not correcting the work situation, you would be Cherry Picking on Dr. Harley's plan for a successful reconciliation without eliminating ALL avenues of contact.

You even admitted in your previous post to the one I quoted, that following the exposure steps were undeniably the reason things had progressed so far.

Don't back down because of affair related crocodiles tears. Your Wife brought this upon herself and included you in the wreckage.

If she has been happier so far, AND wants even more improvement in your marriage, she should understand the significance and be on board with a successful plan WITHOUT deviation.

LTL

Sir, moving is not an option.
If you do not move and your wife and the affair partner have a chance of seeing each other because they work for the same company (which they do) then you will have a false recovery.

You have no choice in this matter if you want to follow Dr. Harley's program.

I'm confused. Did you expose the affair to senior management?

Okay, I read back through your thread.
I don't consider this affair over. Just underground. She probably has an affair phone so you can't look at the Verizon website and monitor her communication.

Do you have a GPS on her vehicle?

You need to continue requesting that she leave the job and write a No Contact letter to OM.

What is happening is that you are allowing your wife to dictate marital recovery and you are only setting yourself up for more stress and heartache.