Hi - I just wanted to let you know I still think of you and how much you helped me through my situation. Not just you, but also Lemon Man, Believer and so many others. I think of ya'll often! My sis is now going through a D and it has made me think of the pain I went through. I try to give her wise advice and words to help ease her through the process. I could not log-in with my original user name (kimberly234) so I made the new one (kimberly2345). I found some of my old posts. Wow, what a horrible story. Was that actually me who went through that?

For those who are suffering through a WS, my prayers are with you and I pray that you know God is carrying you through this.

I decided to post under dating....This site has helped me so before and am ready for that "guy" who loves me for ME.

Love you all and thanks for saving my life!
Kimberly

Hi welcome back. Is your sister going to come here to MB?

Hi Kimberly! Thanks so much for checking in. Can you give an update? Are you and your son doing alright? I have wondered about you so many times over the years and hoped you were doing well.

Hi Melody Lane--

(And Brainhurts, I suggested my sis come here some time ago... I wish she had. Love her so much! This site can still help her though so will try again to get her to visit. No infidelity...)

My son and I are doing great- thank you so much for asking! I think I shared some time back about the local single kids/parent group I started. I am still involved with that and it has been one of the best things for us. I have made many close friends while helping others connect with those that are going through the same thing. And it helps show the kids that they are not alone.(not a dating group!!!).

My DS turns 15 this week! And he is so tall, with a nice deep voice already. My recovery is still a work in progress at times. But am happy and strong. I am able to sit next to the ex at DS's school band concerts without my blood pressure going up. Haha...

The ex told DS about his half brother about a year or so ago and they have met a couple of times.

Everyone was right when they said 9 years ago that I would look back and what happened would be like a tiny little dot on my radar. Life does get great again!!

Melody, I would love to get an update on you! Hope you and your family are doing great!!

Kimberly

KImberly,

Why do you sit next to your ex at sporting events?

It is a twice a year concert band performance. It has been several (3 1/2) years since the divorce and longer than that with the separation. I feel it is not a big deal and that I am past what the ex did. Does it mean that I support what ex did? Not at all. I don't condone his actions one bit. Maybe some don't agree... That is fine. For me, the bitterness and feelings of 'hate' are gone. I am not looking for a reconnect or plan a or b. am done and simply showing support to DS with his other parent.

I'm just confused why you would voluntarily sit next to someone that has caused you so much pain and damage.

Can't you show support to your son by sitting on another bleacher?

I could- but don't feel the pain any longer. And I feel it benefits DS. Do I go through the rest of my life avoiding sharing in the big accomplishments? If so when is it ok to cross that line? Would it benefit DS for me to not sit with his other parent at his high school graduation? What about down the road when he gets married? If the bs has recovered and has no pain why not? I guess in my heart I know that the ex will one day answer to his Maker. I have turned that over and feel I can be at peace with being around him once in a blue moon.

It is fine for you to choose to sit with him. Your choice. Glad you feel at peace after such a short time (it hasn't been that long even with your separations and divorce).

Some people choose to steer clear of their waywards forever. Graduations, weddings, etc.

You are no longer Plan A-ing or Plan B-ing. Some people stay in Plan B indefinitely (due to their trauma and or avoiding further trauma).

Kimberly, it all depends on you. For some people it triggers the pain of the past. For me, I have been divorced since 1999 and I found that being in direct contact with my XH just kept me angry and bitter every time I was exposed to him. The longer I was divorced, the worse it got. So I don't have direct contact with him [have seen him once in 10 years] and now I am not angry. I never think about him at all!

I would liken it to a rape victim being around her rapist.

My mother was wayward and I can't think of one time ever that contact between her and my father benefited me. Personally, I am glad that I am now an adult and don't have to see the woman who attempted to ruin my life.

Good points Reading and Melody Lane. Now I am questioning myself. And this whole conversation feels so d�j� vu. Wow.

I am glad though that you both pointed out that everyone is different with plan b and triggers.

Kimberly

Markos-
How old were you when you found out and how did your dad tell you? So you don't have a relationship with her at all?

Kimberly

According to my sisters, my dad was a serial cheater however my parents stayed together until they passed away (married for 51 years) and he did not cheat on my mom during my life (unless it was when I was young and I don't remember).

That being said I didn't know my dad as a wayward and I loved him dearly and obviously since my mom stayed with him they were together for everything of all of their children and we turned out ok.

Again, it points back to I think it depends upon the person.

I don't Plan B my ex but I also limit my contact with him to things involving our children. My son was in band (almost 15 yrs old too) and whenever his dad attended an event, I never sat with him and I never will...that will be the case with a graduation, wedding or other school events. My ex lives out-of-state so it is rarely an issue but there is no way I want to sit next to him lol. My kids (I have a 12 yr old girl too) don't think twice about it either and don't equate sitting together as unified support.

Has your son said anything about it either way?

Kim, another reason I don't speak to my XH is because I don't associate with liars and cheaters. Although my son is now 30, that is not an example I would want to ever set for him. My XH is not my friend and is not friend material. He is a corrupt man who has no place in my life. I don't believe it helps kids seeing their parent associate with a corrupt parent.

Hey Kimberly good to see you around again. Hope your sister finds the help she needs.

I'm fine with you living your life however you choose. Some can coexist and coparent children others can't. I just think the following presumption is often (but not always) unhealthy:


One thing that gets mentioned here often is that "feelings" lie. Again, I don't recall all the specifics of your situation but sometimes a deeper analysis is in order to see if your "feelings" are actually the truth.

Consider, that maybe, just maybe it's unhealthy to your DS to model behavior to him wherein you expose yourself to your abuser and completely ignore the fact that your ex-husband is a bad person. What does this teach your son? Does he think that's what adults are supposed to do? When he's an adult will he then allow his spouse, friend, boss to abuse him and thereafter "feel" required to suck it up and act like nothings wrong because to talk about it or even protect oneself is making a scene or a big deal out of something. Will he learn that other person's feelings matter more than his? Conversely, would teaching him that "you matter too" and that you refuse to have anything to do with DS's father perhaps model strength and appropriate behavior to your son? Then there's YOU. Does putting the "benefit" of DS above your own feelings hurt you? You say you're not hurt or bothered by it but is that absolutely the truth or is that a brave face being put on something you feel required to endure "for the kid"? Plus, you can't control ex-husband. He may not have crossed any boundaries YET...but given more opportunities he may just say or do something hurtful. Suppose he flirts with you or tries to give you fake crocodile tears about being sorry? BS's are always looking for that apology and seeming acknowledgement of the pain the WS caused them and many a WS's have exploited that to try to make themselves (not you) feel better about their life's choices. It's insincere bullcrap. But how is your son going to feel seeing his dad try to get all chummy and or apologetic with mom? Will DS get hopeful for a reconciliation (they ALWAYS hope)? Will he get upset at you for seemingly being the one not willing to consider reconciliation?

This may not require a 180 degree change in behavior but perhaps this conversation will help you be very careful about keeping your distance from your ex-husband and limiting to a greater extent any extraneous interaction. Sure you can be a the wedding and/or graduation in the presence of your exhusband but the situation doesn't mandate you to be buddies or even fake friendly with him.

Hope you aren't feeling hammered. It's all good. Welcome back.

Mr. Wondering

kim, I found out when I caught OM coming out of my mother's bedroom early in the morning as he tried to sneak out of the house. I told my dad myself.

No, I don't want a relationship with her. She was very detrimental to my well-being. Most people who commit adultery find that their children don't want to have anything to do with them when they are old enough to make their own decision.

A day or two later my mother actually tried to sneak him out in the morning. I was up early doing school work and she came out and made me go to my room with no explanation. Then I heard them talking in the living room and saw his headlights come on outside as his car pulled out. I was a teenager! Who did she think she was fooling?

Waywards are a) idiots and b) bad parents. IMO you shouldn't waste a single bit of effort trying to help your son and his deadbeat wayward father have a relationship. That's your ex-h's job, if he wants to man up to it. The best thing your ex could have done for his son was to love his mother. Having failed that, sitting together at football games doesn't make a whole hell of a lot of difference. It's like receiving a penny for a graduation present instead of a nice check or gift card.

Yes it would, IMO. It would teach him that adultery is the most hurtful thing one human being can do to another. It would validate his feelings that his father is a hurtful human being and that people should protect themselves by avoiding such people. It would send a message that he matters, and you matter!