Hi - I just wanted to let you know I still think of you and how much you helped me through my situation. Not just you, but also Lemon Man, Believer and so many others. I think of ya'll often! My sis is now going through a D and it has made me think of the pain I went through. I try to give her wise advice and words to help ease her through the process. I could not log-in with my original user name (kimberly234) so I made the new one (kimberly2345). I found some of my old posts. Wow, what a horrible story. Was that actually me who went through that?

For those who are suffering through a WS, my prayers are with you and I pray that you know God is carrying you through this.

I decided to post under dating....This site has helped me so before and am ready for that "guy" who loves me for ME.

Love you all and thanks for saving my life!
Kimberly

Hi welcome back. Is your sister going to come here to MB?

Hi Kimberly! Thanks so much for checking in. Can you give an update? Are you and your son doing alright? I have wondered about you so many times over the years and hoped you were doing well.

Hi Melody Lane--

(And Brainhurts, I suggested my sis come here some time ago... I wish she had. Love her so much! This site can still help her though so will try again to get her to visit. No infidelity...)

My son and I are doing great- thank you so much for asking! I think I shared some time back about the local single kids/parent group I started. I am still involved with that and it has been one of the best things for us. I have made many close friends while helping others connect with those that are going through the same thing. And it helps show the kids that they are not alone.(not a dating group!!!).

My DS turns 15 this week! And he is so tall, with a nice deep voice already. My recovery is still a work in progress at times. But am happy and strong. I am able to sit next to the ex at DS's school band concerts without my blood pressure going up. Haha...

The ex told DS about his half brother about a year or so ago and they have met a couple of times.

Everyone was right when they said 9 years ago that I would look back and what happened would be like a tiny little dot on my radar. Life does get great again!!

Melody, I would love to get an update on you! Hope you and your family are doing great!!

Kimberly

KImberly,

Why do you sit next to your ex at sporting events?

It is a twice a year concert band performance. It has been several (3 1/2) years since the divorce and longer than that with the separation. I feel it is not a big deal and that I am past what the ex did. Does it mean that I support what ex did? Not at all. I don't condone his actions one bit. Maybe some don't agree... That is fine. For me, the bitterness and feelings of 'hate' are gone. I am not looking for a reconnect or plan a or b. am done and simply showing support to DS with his other parent.

I'm just confused why you would voluntarily sit next to someone that has caused you so much pain and damage.

Can't you show support to your son by sitting on another bleacher?

I could- but don't feel the pain any longer. And I feel it benefits DS. Do I go through the rest of my life avoiding sharing in the big accomplishments? If so when is it ok to cross that line? Would it benefit DS for me to not sit with his other parent at his high school graduation? What about down the road when he gets married? If the bs has recovered and has no pain why not? I guess in my heart I know that the ex will one day answer to his Maker. I have turned that over and feel I can be at peace with being around him once in a blue moon.

It is fine for you to choose to sit with him. Your choice. Glad you feel at peace after such a short time (it hasn't been that long even with your separations and divorce).

Some people choose to steer clear of their waywards forever. Graduations, weddings, etc.

You are no longer Plan A-ing or Plan B-ing. Some people stay in Plan B indefinitely (due to their trauma and or avoiding further trauma).

Kimberly, it all depends on you. For some people it triggers the pain of the past. For me, I have been divorced since 1999 and I found that being in direct contact with my XH just kept me angry and bitter every time I was exposed to him. The longer I was divorced, the worse it got. So I don't have direct contact with him [have seen him once in 10 years] and now I am not angry. I never think about him at all!

I would liken it to a rape victim being around her rapist.

My mother was wayward and I can't think of one time ever that contact between her and my father benefited me. Personally, I am glad that I am now an adult and don't have to see the woman who attempted to ruin my life.

Good points Reading and Melody Lane. Now I am questioning myself. And this whole conversation feels so d�j� vu. Wow.

I am glad though that you both pointed out that everyone is different with plan b and triggers.

Kimberly

Markos-
How old were you when you found out and how did your dad tell you? So you don't have a relationship with her at all?

Kimberly

According to my sisters, my dad was a serial cheater however my parents stayed together until they passed away (married for 51 years) and he did not cheat on my mom during my life (unless it was when I was young and I don't remember).

That being said I didn't know my dad as a wayward and I loved him dearly and obviously since my mom stayed with him they were together for everything of all of their children and we turned out ok.

Again, it points back to I think it depends upon the person.

I don't Plan B my ex but I also limit my contact with him to things involving our children. My son was in band (almost 15 yrs old too) and whenever his dad attended an event, I never sat with him and I never will...that will be the case with a graduation, wedding or other school events. My ex lives out-of-state so it is rarely an issue but there is no way I want to sit next to him lol. My kids (I have a 12 yr old girl too) don't think twice about it either and don't equate sitting together as unified support.

Has your son said anything about it either way?

Kim, another reason I don't speak to my XH is because I don't associate with liars and cheaters. Although my son is now 30, that is not an example I would want to ever set for him. My XH is not my friend and is not friend material. He is a corrupt man who has no place in my life. I don't believe it helps kids seeing their parent associate with a corrupt parent.

Hey Kimberly good to see you around again. Hope your sister finds the help she needs.

I'm fine with you living your life however you choose. Some can coexist and coparent children others can't. I just think the following presumption is often (but not always) unhealthy:


One thing that gets mentioned here often is that "feelings" lie. Again, I don't recall all the specifics of your situation but sometimes a deeper analysis is in order to see if your "feelings" are actually the truth.

Consider, that maybe, just maybe it's unhealthy to your DS to model behavior to him wherein you expose yourself to your abuser and completely ignore the fact that your ex-husband is a bad person. What does this teach your son? Does he think that's what adults are supposed to do? When he's an adult will he then allow his spouse, friend, boss to abuse him and thereafter "feel" required to suck it up and act like nothings wrong because to talk about it or even protect oneself is making a scene or a big deal out of something. Will he learn that other person's feelings matter more than his? Conversely, would teaching him that "you matter too" and that you refuse to have anything to do with DS's father perhaps model strength and appropriate behavior to your son? Then there's YOU. Does putting the "benefit" of DS above your own feelings hurt you? You say you're not hurt or bothered by it but is that absolutely the truth or is that a brave face being put on something you feel required to endure "for the kid"? Plus, you can't control ex-husband. He may not have crossed any boundaries YET...but given more opportunities he may just say or do something hurtful. Suppose he flirts with you or tries to give you fake crocodile tears about being sorry? BS's are always looking for that apology and seeming acknowledgement of the pain the WS caused them and many a WS's have exploited that to try to make themselves (not you) feel better about their life's choices. It's insincere bullcrap. But how is your son going to feel seeing his dad try to get all chummy and or apologetic with mom? Will DS get hopeful for a reconciliation (they ALWAYS hope)? Will he get upset at you for seemingly being the one not willing to consider reconciliation?

This may not require a 180 degree change in behavior but perhaps this conversation will help you be very careful about keeping your distance from your ex-husband and limiting to a greater extent any extraneous interaction. Sure you can be a the wedding and/or graduation in the presence of your exhusband but the situation doesn't mandate you to be buddies or even fake friendly with him.

Hope you aren't feeling hammered. It's all good. Welcome back.

Mr. Wondering

kim, I found out when I caught OM coming out of my mother's bedroom early in the morning as he tried to sneak out of the house. I told my dad myself.

No, I don't want a relationship with her. She was very detrimental to my well-being. Most people who commit adultery find that their children don't want to have anything to do with them when they are old enough to make their own decision.

A day or two later my mother actually tried to sneak him out in the morning. I was up early doing school work and she came out and made me go to my room with no explanation. Then I heard them talking in the living room and saw his headlights come on outside as his car pulled out. I was a teenager! Who did she think she was fooling?

Waywards are a) idiots and b) bad parents. IMO you shouldn't waste a single bit of effort trying to help your son and his deadbeat wayward father have a relationship. That's your ex-h's job, if he wants to man up to it. The best thing your ex could have done for his son was to love his mother. Having failed that, sitting together at football games doesn't make a whole hell of a lot of difference. It's like receiving a penny for a graduation present instead of a nice check or gift card.

Yes it would, IMO. It would teach him that adultery is the most hurtful thing one human being can do to another. It would validate his feelings that his father is a hurtful human being and that people should protect themselves by avoiding such people. It would send a message that he matters, and you matter!

Let me hasten to add that I have a very, very happy adulthood. I have 15 years so far in my career in technology. I have been married for ten years. The last two of them have been very happy since we got Marriage Builders working in our marriage and learned to quit fighting. We have seven beautiful and happy children. We are involved in our church and involved here.

I wouldn't let my wayward mother around my children (or myself, for that matter) for anything in the world.

Children need wayward parents like a fish needs a bicycle.

When someone is horrible to you, you do yourself a terrible disservice if you think you should continue to stay around them merely because they are family. We actually had to stop seeing my dad and stepmother for awhile because they were so disrespectful to my wife. They eventually apologized and indicated that they wouldn't try to tell us what to do any more, and we have had a wonderful reconciliation, and now they treat us like adults and are a very positive presence in our lives. But if they hadn't done that, we wouldn't have seen them again for the rest of our lives. We have a life to live, and haters are nothing but a detraction from that.

Losing a wayward parent is no loss whatsoever. Sure if the real person were out there it would be great to have them back, but a wayward is an alien who is unrelated to you and absolutely does not have your best interests at heart. So who needs them? You can find better kindness from strangers.

No, my son has not ever said anything about it one way or the other......WHY do I feel it is ok to sit next to him at DS's band concert? I have no idea now.

Have I forgotten all that has happened & pretending XH is an ok guy? Maybe I want to think he is an upstanding father & person. Maybe I think enough time has passed to sweep all of that dirty laundry under the rug. Mel, I don't even know if DS remembers what I told him about XH when I kicked him out the second time. I don't even know if he understood what I was saying..... we don't talk about XH and what happened in the past. and i don't bring up the half-brother. And I feel certain that XH didn't air his dirty past to DS when telling DS about his "new brother."

Geez. And I was just coming on here to visit the dating forum.....

Mr. Wondering -
Hello again! It has been a long time!! Glad to hear from you!! Thanks for your post .....

You also bring up a lot of good points. I appreciate you making me think. I shared in my previous post that I wasn't even certain that DS remembers why XH was removed from the house a second time. He never asks questions at ALL about the past. And then I wonder what he thinks about the half brother. Not sure if he has put two and two together with the timing on that one.

And you are right, that behavior can teach him to "endure" things rather than standing up to what is right. I see myself doing that in other areas of my life. Perhaps you are spot-on. I don't want to see my son repeat my behaviors. Bottom line.

Maybe I am not doing as great as I though. LOL. I do appreciate the posts and do need to make certain that I keep boundaries.

Thanks you guys.

My sister goes to mediation tomorrow where she will review over everything she and her H agreed to with a Divorce. She has a heavy heart, but says she is hanging in there.

Markos -
Glad to hear your success story with your wife and children. Regarding not wanting a Wayward parent in a kid's life....I think for you that it is different because of how blatant your mom was with her affairs. Talking about shoving it in your face! I am sorry about that ..... Really, that is the worst. I can see how that would shape your feelings toward her for the rest of your life.

Kimberly

I have no bitterness towards my ex. I rarely think of him but hell no do I want to sit next to him or associate with him.

My kids know that I am not angry or bitter and that I support them 100% (anyone here who is my FB friend can tell you that).

I wrote the article on Parallel Parenting in Plan B. In my state mandated divorce class, they said that often there can be underlying tension between divorced parents....it can ebb and flow depending on whatever is happening and that it is HEALTHIER for the kid to just see the parents happy and peaceful apart vs sitting next to each with a cloud of tension hanging over their heads.

I don't see any reason to pretend. Our D and his cheating was an awful time. I am way beyond all that now but hell no (again) will I ever be his "friend". Why pretend? I can't...

Anyway, the point of all this is no this does not benefit your son. If you WANT to sit next to your XH and are on good terms with him (maybe he expressed remorse and never married the OW?? Not sure of your sitch), then by all means, go for it!

But he isn't. I don't really think it will serve your long term happiness and well-being to try to persuade yourself otherwise.

I think from what Dr. Harley has said my response is really pretty typical. I have heard plenty of cases where people have asked Dr. Harley about how to get their child to get along with their wayward ex-spouse, and Dr. Harley usually points out that it is in the child's best interest to let them make their own decisions on this, and that many people who have had affairs find that their children don't want to have anything to do with them. It's just part of the occupational hazards of infidelity.

As far as being in my face, I have heard far, far worse stories here.

Being a good father means caring for your children's mother! That really is the most important thing. It outweighs schools, education, peer relationships, discipline, moral training, everything. It is the most important model of thoughtfulness any child will ever receive.

Agree with all this.

My exH didn't flaunt his affair in front of our children's faces but my D and he don't have a very good relationship at all. The same selfishness and thoughtlessness that led to his cheating also translated into his parenting. I think that's pretty common.

Yes, same here

But that is not true. The truth is that he is a corrupt person who abandoned his family for an affair. He put you through hell. He is not a good father and certainly not a good person. Letting him believe such an illusion leaves him vulnerable to his fathers corruption. That is what happened to me when I was a child. No one prepared me for the corruption that my father brought into my life.

So you have never discussed with your son why his parents are no longer married?
You ought to.
He thinks all kinds of worse things otherwise.

Information about his family will help him later on in life as he becomes a man and is involved with romantic relationships and or marries. It is a valuable lesson with valuable experience to his own future.

You can sit with your ex. But don't hide the facts from your child.

I just want to make an observation that everything this poster describes is EXACTLY what God expects us to do in marriage.
According to the Bible, when He created the institution of marriage He said "A man shall leave his father and mother, and a woman shall leave her father and mother, and the two shall become one"

In marriage, we often vow to "Forsake all others". This includes anyone that places the marriage at risk, even relatives.

I agree. What is the reason your son believes why you got D?