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#2819383 09/15/14 01:08 AM
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Hi all,

I'm writing for some advice/feedback/support. I feel really alone and am wondering if I am even doing the right thing trying to save my marriage.

My husband asked me for a divorce in the fall. We have fought pretty awfully through out our marriage. He tells me that before he met me, he got angry twice in his life and I am now to blame for him now having a temper.

I managed to talk him into trying the marriage builders course and it came with some improvements. He tells me the last time he felt 'in-love' with me was after we had done some of those worksheets about nine months ago. This was after he had stood on a street corner telling me he hated me.

We don't have any kids, or any glue really, to keep us together. I supported him because he could not get a job due to bad grades, plus paid off his student loans and paid tuition so he could improve his chances of grad school. Two years (two rounds) later, with lots of encouragement, he gets in and the minute he can support himself he wants me gone. I feel like an idiot.

It is so demoralizing to realize your husband cannot stand you, and would take everyone else's side against you, no matter what they have done (I can get into specifics).

He moved out a month ago after a big fight - and I have to say I don't blame him, it was pretty bad. I talked to him about changing our situation first (no more sacrificing - I'm currently working a job I hate two hours away because I thought I had to for him) so we could both be happy before changing our marital status. I've been going back and forth between his town and where I went to school last year on a weekly basis, just so we could both do what we wanted to. I had worked jobs I hated for three years for him, and he told me flat out he was going to this school whether I liked it or not. Like it or lump it. (yeah, I know a mistake to spend nights apart, but I couldn't just come to this town and sit around. I got a full fellowship at this school and really wanted to go.) He would not even consider trying to work out some alternate year schedule, he was just so done with everything.

Anyhow, I got him into phone counseling with Dr. Harley this past month, and we were making some progress, even though every time he showed up to do something he looked depressed as hell and kept telling me he didn't want to do it, that he just wanted our marriage to be over.

My husband thinks that Dr. Harley is crazy for his definition of acceptable friendship with the opposite sex. At one point he went to go have one on one coffee with a woman from school, instead of doing what he told me he'd do, while I was having a colonoscopy done right before xmas. I burst into tears when I found out and the doctor made him wait in the waiting room and talked to me so kindly I couldn't stop crying. My husband just gets irate at me for "being jealous." That latter part is always said so spitefully and condescendingly. I told him it bothered me. It bothered me even more because this is a woman that brags about divorcing her husband and how wonderful my husband is to talk to. He eats this up. I asked him not to do that anymore. He refused. I wrote her an email, asking her to not do that (crossing the line I guess) and she tells people about this. So my husband is mad at me for making 'scurrilous accusations' and thinks it is okay that others gossip about me.

The past week got even worse. I don't even want to write about it. My husband wanted me to sign the papers immediately. I talked him into waiting until after his test in 10 days - and our four year anniversary. I think he just gave up the argument at that point, but I would guess has no intention of ever trying with me again.

Has anyone here recovered from having a spouse absolutely loathing you?

Can we do it if his friends hate me?

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Oh, I am dealing with his friends gossiping about me and I asked he what he thought of that.

"As to her gossiping, of course I'd prefer people to not know how you behave."


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I think thst your H is having at least an EA with this woman and that is why things are bad for you and why he is so insistent that Dr. Harley is wrong about OS friendships.

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luna,

What type of counseling are you receiving over the phone?
Are you doing the Marriage Coaching program with Steve Harley?

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We are (were) doing it with Steve Harley. I think this week's appointment is cancelled, at least as a far as he is concerned. I am still going to talk to him.

I think I need to get some prozac. I've never taken anything like that in my life, but
I want something to help relieve the panic. I need to stop clinging to him. It is back firing.

Thank you for the validations on the EA. This might be crazy, but I think he is having an EA with a whole group of people. They study together forty hours a week, they do recreational activities, they eat meals and stay up late playing board games. This is all because they are so 'stressed out' about this upcoming test. I am no dummy - going through that test together and the intense emotions it is bringing up is a whole new bonding experience. I am completely excluded from all of this.

It feels so hopeless.


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To be fair, he did later apologize for the extreme meanness of the comment about the gossip, blaming on being tired. That was a welcome event.

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I think you should speak to Steve Harley about preparing for a separation.

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How do I arrange for a separation when he is pushing for a divorce?

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Originally Posted by luna_alpha
How do I arrange for a separation when he is pushing for a divorce?

Well, I can't help with legal details.
Other posters can help with that.
I can only tell you that Dr. Harley does not recommend that a wife remain in an emotionally or physically unsafe place.
In your case, your husband is probably sleeping around and Harley almost always recommends the wife get away from him and enter "Plan B" in such circumstances.

Ideally, you should spend this time snooping and getting some evidence of any affair though

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Can you afford a PI?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I can afford a PI. Are they really that effective?




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Originally Posted by luna_alpha
I can afford a PI. Are they really that effective?
Yes, we've had many board members get the results they needed.
Private Investigators


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I have a question. I begged my husband (basically) to not insist I get the papers notarized and start the process going again if I would leave him alone for the next 10 days so he can study for this test without our stress.

It is driving me crazy. I am so anxious and having nightmares that he is just forgetting me. He is going out with all these people, spending all day studying with them, getting lots of love units from anyone around.

I am not in the mix at all.

On the other hand, if I do contact him, I feel like I am doing a love buster of some sort. And if that is what he wants, and I don't respect it, then aren't I just confirming to him that I have no care for his needs?

Please advise me on how to handle this. Do I knuckle down and stay away? If yes, please send me some encouragement. This is so difficult. What should I do?


Also, this is so hard to admit that I did this, but I will. Please help.

After a week of husband studying with, dining with, recreating with a group including a woman that he had inappropriately shared information with. This is a group mind you, that he has told me he doesn't think will pass this test. I ask him repeatedly to study with better students and mix it up a bit. I tell him specifically it causes me a lot of stress he is spending so much time with that girl. He gets mad at me over my "unreasonable jealousy" and that she has a committed boyfriend (across the country and who will not marry her). On a hunch, that thursday, I drove 2 hours home from the temp job and stop over at his place and find that she is there for dinner. (It is a group living arrangement, she is friends with the owner, so it is not clear cut that my husband did this or was responsible). The owner of the house and this woman are office mates at school, so it could just as well be that he invited her.

My husband will not let me in that home, because it is his 'safe place'.

So I am standing outside, she and the whole group is inside and he tells me he would like to get back in since they are 'still eating'. I cry, ask him to not do this. He gets mad. He had packed some food for me take home. How pathetic do I feel?

I manage to get home. He ignores my contact. I ended up emailing this woman's long distance boyfriend and close family members telling them of my husband's and I's situation and asking them to please influence this woman to give my husband and me some space.

I have no evidence at this time. I think I was temporarily insane. I just wanted my husband back.

MY HUSBAND IS FURIOUS. I beg forgiveness, and cry for hours.

He wants me to write her an apology letter. I tried to draft it, but I keep finding out things that he discussed with her and never told me. I got so angry the first time, I had to put it aside.


So,

1. Should I write this apology email to make my husband happy? (he has been looking at the drafts - it is sad that I cling to that contact).

2. Should I leave my husband alone for the next ten days?

After seeing it on paper, I feel a little less like I am a completely crazy person.

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I see so many red flags for an affair. A person in an affair demonises their spouse and talks about divorce like its happening tomorrow. However they rarely 'do' anything. They don't ask for any changes in the marriage nor do they file most of the time.

Even when they file they still expect time with you. When they want it, that is.

He will not be expecting you to snoop nor will he be expecting a no contact Plan B.



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Your husband wants you to beg for his time and be available.

You need to snoop then prepare for Plan B. His behaviour is not about you - it is about his trying to control and juggle you alongside the OW.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Again,

I encourage you to speak with Steve Harley about planning for separation.
In your case, I think you need to separate from him ASAP and enter "Plan B."



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Considering that he is making her write this humiliating letter to the mistress, I agree. OW love making wives do this stuff.

You could separate and have a PI follow him for a few days.

One thing you should not do is send that letter. Tell him you feel heartbroken he is not prioritising you over a female friend and just vanish for a bit. Have a PI follow him when he has some space to mess up.


Last edited by indiegirl; 09/16/14 09:38 AM.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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He did file the papers, he just never got me to notarize them. So does that fit? He would have to get someone to serve me with them if I don't do this.

He also moved out.

He did do this odd thing, where it was clear he was counting on coming up to the city where I work for the day after his test - our four year anniversary - all the while pushing me away the rest of the time. So right now, the plan is I come down then, on his schedule I guess. That fits.

So what do I do beyond hiring the PI? And getting some anti-depressants.

Do I not contact him? He already said rather condescendingly that I've promised this before and never made it more than 12 hours. (I do panic without him.) So does that mean he is fully expecting me to not be able to do this, and then be able to hold it over my head?

I hear that you guys think he is having an affair.

I read a thread about internal/external locus of control. That helped calm my thinking. I don't trust my judgement or experience in this matter so if anyone here can give me step by step, I'd appreciate it.

Last edited by luna_alpha; 09/16/14 09:42 AM.
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Thank you IG, JK, and BH for the specific advice. It helps tremendously.

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Did he move back in or does he still not live with you?

You should be snooping and finding out everything you can about this "friend".

I just feel there is way more than meets the eye here and he is gaslighting you, making it seem like you are just "jealous" or "crazy" or whatever just to knock you off the fact that there is something going on


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