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Luna,

Please read about "Plan B" on this website.
When do you next speak with Steve Harley?
I suggest you tell Steve Harley what you posted in this forum and tell him that the Forum is encouraging you to separate from your husband and ask Steve Harley what his thoughts are on this.

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He does not live with me. He moved out and started the divorce process a month ago.

I think he got a new phone. We had a shared plan and he has not been making any calls for the last two days and now there is zero data use.

It is hard to believe this is all gas lighting. He got serious about not wanting to be with me last fall as soon as we got to the school and he had other options. I blame myself for not dropping everything and signing up for phone counseling then. Every time things were smooth, I'd think we were safe. It took less and less to set him off.

I appreciate the thoughts that there is something going on but cannot help but feel it is my AO, DJ that have done this whole thing in.

My appointment is tomorrow.

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Originally Posted by luna_alpha
I have a question. I begged my husband (basically) to not insist I get the papers notarized and start the process going again if I would leave him alone for the next 10 days so he can study for this test without our stress.

It is driving me crazy. I am so anxious and having nightmares that he is just forgetting me. He is going out with all these people, spending all day studying with them, getting lots of love units from anyone around.

I am not in the mix at all.

On the other hand, if I do contact him, I feel like I am doing a love buster of some sort. And if that is what he wants, and I don't respect it, then aren't I just confirming to him that I have no care for his needs?

Please advise me on how to handle this. Do I knuckle down and stay away?

I would handle it by changing the locks and leaving his stuff on the front lawn!

As far as needing time alone, everybody needs an escape, but married people need to get that escape with their spouse. Spending enjoyable time with a person is how you fall in love with them. Your husband is doing that with everybody else. That is the very definition of an affair.

It's not a "scurrilous accusation" to spread around the fact that your husband DATES OTHER WOMEN, which is exactly what he is doing.

You have already been subjected to this long enough to start endangering your health. You need to follow a plan to protect yourself from the further damage he can do. He can call this plan off at any point when he agrees to STOP DATING OTHER WOMEN and START DATING HIS WIFE. If he will never agree to that or wants to make compromises, you are better off with no contact with him at all.

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If yes, please send me some encouragement. This is so difficult. What should I do?

You need to withdraw from him like withdrawing from a drug addiction: you need to go cold turkey. It will hurt horribly at first, but after a couple of weeks you will begin to feel better.

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Also, this is so hard to admit that I did this, but I will. Please help.

You have done nothing wrong whatsoever, but your husband is using brainwashing and mind control tactics to try to persuade you otherwise.

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I have no evidence at this time.

Yes you do. Your husband is DATING OTHER WOMEN. That's an affair.

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MY HUSBAND IS FURIOUS. I beg forgiveness, and cry for hours.

You need to stop begging this abuser to forgive you. You need to get some time away from him and make it impossible for him to contact you so the mind control can stop.

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He wants me to write her an apology letter.

This is an abusive mind control tactic.

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1. Should I write this apology email to make my husband happy?

Making your husband happy won't save your marriage, and it won't make him want to make you happy.

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2. Should I leave my husband alone for the next ten days?

You should leave him alone until he promises to give you full transparency in his life and never contact anyone again that you are not enthusiastic about. That might mean for the rest of his life.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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He also moved out.
Change the locks!
Honey, you've got to stand up for yourself. Stop begging forgiveness. Stop bending over backwards to get him to pay attention to you.

Did you read about Plan B? This is what you need to do.

And change those locks! Tell everybody you know that your husband is DATING other women. He's no longer welcome to be around you.


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Originally Posted by Prisca
Tell everybody you know that your husband is DATING other women.

Everybody needs to know this, so they can support you.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by luna_alpha
At one point he went to go have one on one coffee with a woman from school, instead of doing what he told me he'd do, while I was having a colonoscopy done right before xmas.

That's terrible!

Taking a woman for coffee is called a DATE.

It doesn't become "not a date" just because he calls it something different.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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NO wife should put up with her husband dating other women. He can call it whatever he wants, but it's still a date. Change the locks, expose him, go to Plan B, and be done with him.


Markos' Wife
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What to do with an Angry Husband

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Thank you all.

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What actions will you be taking?


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What to do with an Angry Husband

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He will be off the lease, the locks changed.

I am struggling to find a doctor locally to get anti-depressants from. I'll keep working on it.

I will talk to Dr. Harley about the rest tomorrow.
The rest being:
- Do I send a response, if any about the request for an apology.
- Do I plan B it.
- Do I expose what I know.

I understand you have all successfully done this, but I have spent most of this relationship trying get him to stay and I think my self-esteem is really in the gutter. Even he says he feels bad and that dragging things out is bad for me.

I had really wanted to save this marriage, I am still in love with this man. He does meet a lot of my needs, the abuse is just below the level of my hating him - most of the time. I guess I still do what to save this marriage.

This is probably not healthy, but my ego and heart hurt at how easily I foresee him moving on. Not my problem I know, but I put a lot into this marriage and provided financial and emotional support - enough to take him from someone who almost didn't graduate college and could not get a professional job, to someone who is now in grad school. That took my working full time, paying for his additional schooling and emotional support through two years of graduate school applications. His is finally able to provide financial support and he wants out. I feel so cheated. Oh yeah, and I paid for the huge wedding he wanted (I wanted to go to Florida and have a quiet ceremony with immediate family). End vent.

Last edited by luna_alpha; 09/16/14 05:10 PM.
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Originally Posted by luna_alpha
He will be off the lease, the locks changed.

I am struggling to find a doctor locally to get anti-depressants from. I'll keep working on it.
Bravo!!

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I understand you have all successfully done this, but I have spent most of this relationship trying get him to stay and I think my self-esteem is really in the gutter.
Keep in mind that it wasn't easy for any of us. Many of us know full well the struggle you are going through.

You can do it.



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Okay, well I can't just get him off the lease without contacting him to sign something.

Dang it.

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Originally Posted by luna_alpha
Okay, well I can't just get him off the lease without contacting him to sign something.

Dang it.


Doesn't matter whether he is on the lease or not. Exclude him from the house by changing the locks, tell your landlord what happened. Put the utilities into your sole name and get his stuff into the garage or storage and then legally you will be in good shape if he tries to get back inside. The onus will be on him to prove he did not move out. Make sure you have plenty of paper evidence if you think he might show up with the police.


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It really doesn't matter whether he is on the lease. My husband half owned the house!

I wouldn't trouble yourself about explaining yourself to him. If he contacts you just say his behaviour is heartbreaking and you need space. You have some decisions to make. Be minimal and don't bother reassuring him. Slap a poker face on any panic you feel.

He's had you dancing a tune the whole marriage. Stop.


Then get your evidence and make your plans.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by luna_alpha
He will be off the lease, the locks changed.

I am struggling to find a doctor locally to get anti-depressants from. I'll keep working on it.

I will talk to Dr. Harley about the rest tomorrow.
The rest being:
- Do I send a response, if any about the request for an apology.
- Do I plan B it.
- Do I expose what I know.

I understand you have all successfully done this, but I have spent most of this relationship trying get him to stay and I think my self-esteem is really in the gutter. Even he says he feels bad and that dragging things out is bad for me.

I had really wanted to save this marriage, I am still in love with this man. He does meet a lot of my needs, the abuse is just below the level of my hating him - most of the time. I guess I still do what to save this marriage.

This is probably not healthy, but my ego and heart hurt at how easily I foresee him moving on. Not my problem I know, but I put a lot into this marriage and provided financial and emotional support - enough to take him from someone who almost didn't graduate college and could not get a professional job, to someone who is now in grad school. That took my working full time, paying for his additional schooling and emotional support through two years of graduate school applications. His is finally able to provide financial support and he wants out. I feel so cheated. Oh yeah, and I paid for the huge wedding he wanted (I wanted to go to Florida and have a quiet ceremony with immediate family). End vent.

Yes, you should expose his behavior to his family and friends.
Also, enter Plan B.
Have you read about Plan B?

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Hi all,

Thank you again for the great advice and perspective. I had my appointment this am and feel better than I have in four days. I am not crazy, and setting those boundaries and trying to protect my marriage was not unreasonable... is not unreasonable. I'll not be apologizing to anyone about that. I am only reacting to the problems my husband's behavior is causing. I could do it better but that is not the core of the problem.

I do have an action plan, but I'm concerned that my husband is reading this, so I'm not posting any details right now. He registered for this site about month ago and has been on the forums. I'll be back to update later.

Thank you again.

Last edited by luna_alpha; 09/17/14 11:18 AM.
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It's wonderful to hear you sounding so strong.

We have all been there.

Also, just keep in mind that you have nothing to fear. The marriage as it stands is a dud - so you have nothing to lose even if recovery is not an option.

Your vent resonated with me. I too supported my husband professionally, personally and financially. I put all my eggs in the marriage basket. I was desperate to save it when I showed up here.

But my husband was wedded to stupidity and I got out. Just two years on I am better off financially than I have ever been - in spite of a crazy expensive divorce! I also have a relationship that is so wonderful I wondered why I settled so low for so long.

From today you are to stop pouring your energies down a drain. Either with him or without.

Gaslighting is very destructive. I'd urge you to read up on it.


Last edited by indiegirl; 09/17/14 11:31 AM.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Thank you indiegirl. It's good to hear how you made it through a similar story to a better end.

I am definitely going to stop pouring my energies down a drain. I deserve care and loyalty and I'm not going to settle for less.

Last edited by luna_alpha; 09/17/14 11:52 AM.
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I agree it is good to hear you sounding so much better. And you do need to Plan B away.

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