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#2819611 09/16/14 12:34 AM
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Sadly, I find myself here seeking comfort and advice. I have been married for 11 yrs, we have 3 children ages 9, 7 and 10 months. My husband has an affair that in theory is over. I have come to the realization of everything that lead to the affair, our marriage was already in trouble. Husband meets this woman through some friends. They friend each other on FB. I go visit my family over the summer, she offers to help him clean the house to get it ready for our arrival as I am 7 months pregnant at the time. Well, she actually picked us up from the airport, offered to watch our kids so we could go on a Date for our 10th anniversary, befriends me, becomes extremely helpful. Her kids and mine become friends, they (her kids and her) start spending the night with us. I felt she and my husband were talking/texting too much, so I put spyware on my husband's phone catch some very sexual txts between them, confront them and they both swear it was just silly bantering. I am over reacting, it's the pregnancy hormones, you know just making me look crazy. I tell them they are not to communicate with each other unless it is through me, they both agree.

Months go by, I deliver our 3rd baby, she is there to take photos and just be a good friend. That is when I let my guard off. I was busy with a new baby, tired, sleepless, etc. they start txting again. I didn't really pay much attention. FF to this summer. Kids and I go on our usual trip to visit family, while I am there, I get the cold bucket, She confessed the affair to her husband. He makes her cut ties with my whole family, we exchange some txts, etc. They swear this time it is really over, they didn't mean to hurt anyone, it just happened, they are so much alike, they are "in love" but that they were never going to contact each other again because nothing good could come from the destruction of both families. I reiterated to both that my children and I would move with my family if the affair continued. (in another country, to which I was told I was using the kids as leverage and weapons, but the reality is we would not make it on our own here, with no emotional and enough financial support)

FF to a week ago, I discovered that my husband had a "hidden phone", obviously to communicate and txt with her. I lose my cool, wake up my kids in the middle of the night and tell them we are leaving because daddy has chosen to be with someone else and does not love any of us any more (I know terrible move but I was livid, hurt and couldn't think straight). He begs me to not take the kids but I tell him, he should have thought of that before he continued with the affair. Next day, I decide to send messages to her husband (who had my blocked on FB, so a friend of mine sent the msg), her parents and her aunt. Her aunt answers with a very nasty msg and sure enough after having me blocked from fb and her phone, I start receiving msgs from her how I was worse than her and my husband for hurting innocent people by spewing my venom by telling them about the affair. They continue to txt, now through my WH's regular cell line (as I confiscated the phone). My friend msgs her husband, he unblocks me, I show my evidence that they are still contacting each other after she promised him ties were cut. Next morning, I get a txt from her saying my words were so hurtful because all the truth they carried, that she didn't do any of this on purpose to hurt anyone that she loved me and my kids and that she would back off and tell her husband about her heart being compromised by loving another man but that they knew nothing good could come of their relationship, built on the destruction of our families.

My WH, says he is in love with her and that he simply doesn't want to lose his kids by me taking them away. He sees it as a punishment but I have explained to him that I cannot be the mother our kids deserve, if he leaves me high and dry. I have no Emotional support here and I am a SAHM, so financially I depend on him, he says he will pay for everything but as is we can't afford it much less with 2 households and I know eventually he will get tired of paying all the bills over here and then my baby will have to go to daycare while I work, my older kids will have to give up their after school activities and there will be issues when they get sick, school days off, breaks, etc. With my family, I know who would care for them while I work, pick them up if they get sick at school, take them to a doctor, watch them when not in school and they would help me get on my feet.

I told him the choices are out there. Either, we work it out as a couple/family; or, he leaves us and puts all of us in a bad situation as we would not be able to afford to stay in our home and I was sure he would probably support us fully the first few months but then would stop wanting to give me all his paychecks to keep the kids's lifestyle the same way it has been til now. He knows communicating with her will cause a tragedy as her husband threaten to kill mine and from what I've heard, he would do it. So I reminded him, she was no longer an option or he was not putting his children's best interest first; third choice was he let me and the kids go with my family, he can go visit them and I can bring them during their summer break. That the least selfish choice was working it out but if that was impossible then letting us go was best for the kids and myself.

He refuses counseling. He says that he knows that they will just say what he doesn't want to hear. I asked how long did I have to live in limbo and he said he didn't know what he wanted to do. I told him he has til the end of this month to decide if he wants to work it out, if he does not have an answer by then, the kids and I will start getting ready to move.

I know he is in the withdrawal stage. I just don't know how much more I can take.

susiew #2819629 09/16/14 07:47 AM
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Susie, I am so sorry you are in this dilemma. The first thing I would do is expose his affair. I would even consider posting the OW on cheaterville. Go to the link in my signature for exposure tactics. It should be exposed wide and far immediately.

The second thing I would do is demand he end his affair TODAY. If he won't end his affair and PROVE it has ended I would ask him to leave. You can't drag this out any longer and "give him time." You need relief NOW.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I would also stay in communication with the OW's husband and tell him everything you know. It sounds like the OW has told him lies about you.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


susiew #2819638 09/16/14 09:16 AM
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I just wanted to let you know that there are many of us here who have been through this double betrayal with a WS and an alleged friend.

I also want you to know that there is hope to recover your marriage.

Originally Posted by susiew
I asked how long did I have to live in limbo and he said he didn't know what he wanted to do.

You will have to live in limbo for only as long as you will allow it. Your WH wants BOTH of you and is not ready to give up either one yet because he is hoping that you are not serious about leaving and is trying to convince you to stay.

Your husband needs to see that you are SERIOUS about how you will be treated. I know you may think that demanding that he end his affair with this skank will only push them closer together...but it is not the case...because remember that he wants BOTH of you including his children.


Affairs are fantasy. Consequences and the light of day are strong weapons in killing the delusion that they are living under.

Ignore anyone who says that you are mean and spiteful for telling the truth. It is the affair that is mean and devastating for your family...not your telling the truth.






ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

Recovered

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I have exposed her, that is what first pissed her off and then she came to realize I had not said anything she didn't know to be true. She has told the husband. I believe she is trying to move on. The affair is pretty much over at the moment. I only exposed my husband to my brother, as he does not have a relationship with his mother and rarely speak to his father. I was going to tell his sister but not even sure if it is worth it at this point. He doesn't really have any close friends. Should I still tell the people he knows? FB friends? He said he knew she is no longer an option but he cannot get past my transgression of telling my kids he didn't love any of us. That he wonders what other horrible things I've said to them about him. Now, in my defense, my 9 yr old had already asked me why his dad was so hateful to me, why he was always angry and why he never had time for us. He straight out asked if his dad loved us before all this went down. The other thing is, my children loved this woman as you love an aunt, her kids were their friends and as weird as it sounds she was my friend, too. It is almost like she is 2 different people. For the first time in a while he called me "hunny" again, he greeted me with a kiss when he got home and he said "I love you" but then later the same night tells me he just doesn't want to lose his kids, meaning, he doesn't care losing me. I mean is my husband even going through withdrawal or is he plain done with me?

Last edited by susiew; 09/16/14 09:44 AM.
susiew #2819649 09/16/14 09:44 AM
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Originally Posted by susiew
I have exposed her, that is what first pissed her off and then she came to realize I had not said anything she didn't know to be true. She has told the husband. I believe she is trying to move on. The affair is pretty much over at the moment. I only exposed my husband to my brother, as he does not have a relationship with his mother and rarely speak to his father. I was going to tell his sister but not even sure if it is worth it at this point. He doesn't really have any close friends. Should I still tell the people he knows? FB friends? He said he knew she is no longer an option but he cannot get past my transgression of telling my kids he didn't love any of us. That he wonders what other horrible things I've said to them about him. Now, in my defense, my 9 yr old had already asked me why his dad was so hateful to me, why he was always angry and why he never had time for us. He straight out asked if his dad loved us before all this went down. The other thing is, my children loved this woman as you love an aunt, her kids were their friends and as weird as it sounds she was my friend, too. It is almost like she is 2 different people. For the first time in a while he called me "hunny" again, he greeted me with a kiss when he got home and he said "I love you" but then later the same night tells me he just doesn't want to lose his kids. I mean is my husband even going through withdrawal or is he plain done with me?

Susie,
You should read Exposure 101 in MelodyLane signature above and follow those instructions.
proper exposure usually kills most affairs however it's also where most betrayed spouses fail to carry through.
The Exposure 101 thread gives you instructions on how to do this.

susiew #2819650 09/16/14 09:45 AM
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Originally Posted by susiew
...if he does not have an answer by then, the kids and I will start getting ready to move.

Start preparing to move now. Don't wait until the end of the month as WH flops around and stresses you out more. You would move out of the country? I assume your children already have passports since your recently traveled to visit your family? So long as no divorce papers have been filed/served you should be able to travel anywhere you want with the kids but you may want to double ck. Int'l travel may have a different standard than domestic.

Welcome to MB. Sorry for your hurt.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
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Also, I would post OW on www.cheaterville.com.
Post the facts and ideally some sort of proof on the site too.

susiew #2819654 09/16/14 09:48 AM
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Originally Posted by susiew
The affair is pretty much over at the moment. I only exposed my husband to my brother, as he does not have a relationship with his mother and rarely speak to his father. I was going to tell his sister but not even sure if it is worth it at this point. He doesn't really have any close friends. Should I still tell the people he knows? FB friends?

Yes tell the father, sister and any close friends who can support you.

Quote
He said he knew she is no longer an option but he cannot get past my transgression of telling my kids he didn't love any of us. That he wonders what other horrible things I've said to them about him.

MrRollieEyes x 100



BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
susiew #2819713 09/16/14 11:29 AM
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Originally Posted by susiew
She has told the husband. I believe she is trying to move on.

YOU need to talk to her BH, do not believe for a second he has accurate information if he has received it from the OW. The one thing you know about her, is that she is a liar. He deserves to know the truth, not some twisted version from affairland.

susiew #2819716 09/16/14 11:33 AM
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Originally Posted by susiew
The affair is pretty much over at the moment.

What does this mean? There is no such thing as 'pretty much over.' It is either over, meaning that they have NO CONTACT this includes even keeping tabs on each other through social media, or there is contact in which case the affair is ON.

susiew #2819721 09/16/14 11:47 AM
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Originally Posted by susiew
I have exposed her, that is what first pissed her off and then she came to realize I had not said anything she didn't know to be true. She has told the husband. I believe she is trying to move on.

She has told the husband LIES, so if you have not told the husband everything and offered to stay in touch with him, then you have not covered your bases with him.

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The affair is pretty much over at the moment.

It is not over.

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I only exposed my husband to my brother, as he does not have a relationship with his mother and rarely speak to his father. I was going to tell his sister but not even sure if it is worth it at this point. He doesn't really have any close friends. Should I still tell the people he knows? FB friends?
\
Tell his family members and ask them to speak to him. Even tho there might not be a strong relationship, they do have influence over him.

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He said he knew she is no longer an option but he cannot get past my transgression of telling my kids he didn't love any of us. That he wonders what other horrible things I've said to them about him. Now, in my defense, my 9 yr old had already asked me why his dad was so hateful to me, why he was always angry and why he never had time for us. He straight out asked if his dad loved us before all this went down.

"Your transgressions??" faint That takes some AMAZING NERVE after what he has done to you and your kids. TEll him he was not demonstrating "love" to his kids when he was jeopardizing their FABRIC OF THEIR LIVES with his filthy affair with a hoe.

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The other thing is, my children loved this woman as you love an aunt, her kids were their friends and as weird as it sounds she was my friend, too. It is almost like she is 2 different people. For the first time in a while he called me "hunny" again, he greeted me with a kiss when he got home and he said "I love you" but then later the same night tells me he just doesn't want to lose his kids, meaning, he doesn't care losing me. I mean is my husband even going through withdrawal or is he plain done with me?

The FOX says nice things to get into the hen house. The OW is your enemy and was all along. She is a beast who caused great harm to you and your children.

It is very important that you expose this affair PROPERLY. Especially to the OW's husband. It is vitally important that he has all the information and knows everything. Her family and close friends on facebook should be informed. I would also expose that skank on cheaterville.com


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by unwritten
Originally Posted by susiew
The affair is pretty much over at the moment.

What does this mean? There is no such thing as 'pretty much over.' It is either over, meaning that they have NO CONTACT this includes even keeping tabs on each other through social media, or there is contact in which case the affair is ON.

I guess I was not clear enough. I have spoken to the BH, I keep in contact with him. There has been no contact as far as I can tell since last week. They are blocked from each others fb. The reason I say it is pretty much over and not over is that they have gone the no contact way once before and after 2 weeks my WH bought a phone and contacted her, she didn't refuse his call. So to me, even if there is no contact, I can't be sure if there will ever be. I'd ask the BH to ask her to change her number but I am not sure he will make her change it. I would change my husband's but that serves no purpose as he is the one who contacted her first with a different number.

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by susiew
I have exposed her, that is what first pissed her off and then she came to realize I had not said anything she didn't know to be true. She has told the husband. I believe she is trying to move on.

She has told the husband LIES, so if you have not told the husband everything and offered to stay in touch with him, then you have not covered your bases with him.

I did contact the her husband, we spoke for over an hour, I sent him my phone records, I told him everything I knew about the affair. He said she confessed to all I was saying in july when they broke it off and that he had told her to call him for some photos of my family, she took, when my baby was born. but didn't know they remained in contact. Then he confronted her and she confessed to all of it. He told me she was just trying to help him "fix" his marriage but that they were done. he sent my husband a msg, she sent my husband a msg and sent it to her husband and myself.

Quote
The affair is pretty much over at the moment.

It is not over.

there has been no contact since the BH sent msg to mine, pretty much said he would kill my WH if he contacted his wife again but until mine affirms he will not contact her I don't consider it completely over.

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I only exposed my husband to my brother, as he does not have a relationship with his mother and rarely speak to his father. I was going to tell his sister but not even sure if it is worth it at this point. He doesn't really have any close friends. Should I still tell the people he knows? FB friends?
\
Tell his family members and ask them to speak to him. Even tho there might not be a strong relationship, they do have influence over him.

I will ask for his sister for his dad's number, the mother is out of the picture, like no contact at all.

Quote
He said he knew she is no longer an option but he cannot get past my transgression of telling my kids he didn't love any of us. That he wonders what other horrible things I've said to them about him. Now, in my defense, my 9 yr old had already asked me why his dad was so hateful to me, why he was always angry and why he never had time for us. He straight out asked if his dad loved us before all this went down.

"Your transgressions??" faint That takes some AMAZING NERVE after what he has done to you and your kids. TEll him he was not demonstrating "love" to his kids when he was jeopardizing their FABRIC OF THEIR LIVES with his filthy affair with a hoe.

I've told him that. When his kids go without but he spends $100 for a phone to continue his affair.

Quote
The other thing is, my children loved this woman as you love an aunt, her kids were their friends and as weird as it sounds she was my friend, too. It is almost like she is 2 different people. For the first time in a while he called me "hunny" again, he greeted me with a kiss when he got home and he said "I love you" but then later the same night tells me he just doesn't want to lose his kids, meaning, he doesn't care losing me. I mean is my husband even going through withdrawal or is he plain done with me?

The FOX says nice things to get into the hen house. The OW is your enemy and was all along. She is a beast who caused great harm to you and your children.

It is very important that you expose this affair PROPERLY. Especially to the OW's husband. It is vitally important that he has all the information and knows everything. Her family and close friends on facebook should be informed. I would also expose that skank on cheaterville.com

her family was informed, I exposed her before I read anything here, now on my husband's side I did not expose, is it still a good time to do so?

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Originally Posted by susiew
He told me she was just trying to help him "fix" his marriage but that they were done.


crazy

I hope you realize what a predator this woman is, and do not harbor any guilt or sadness in terminating this 'friendship.' She is no friend and never was, to you or your family. She is a predator who operated like a scam artist, building up trust just to rob you blind.

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Originally Posted by unwritten
Originally Posted by susiew
He told me she was just trying to help him "fix" his marriage but that they were done.


crazy

I hope you realize what a predator this woman is, and do not harbor any guilt or sadness in terminating this 'friendship.' She is no friend and never was, to you or your family. She is a predator who operated like a scam artist, building up trust just to rob you blind.

I just think her husband is in denial though. According to him, the texts all pointed out to her trying to solve MY marital issues, not to having an affair. He is the one that said his WW was just trying to help my WH fix his marriage. In her message to her husband she was clear though, she wanted him to be fully aware of her feelings before he made a decision to forgive her as she wanted him to be clear her "heart was compromised by loving another man". He wants to believe it was one sided affair but she says otherwise, he is in denial. As far as I am concerned, they were both into having this affair. I know, I should not harbor any sadness (guilt I don't feel) over the ending of this so called friendship but it is hard not to, I mean I can't find words to explain it. She must really be like a drug that causes bad addiction. I told her exactly what you said. That she built my trust just to rob me. I will never allow anyone into my life the way I did her. She rob so much more than just my marriage. I can only hope my husband can recover from such an addiction and do right by us.

susiew #2819747 09/16/14 01:56 PM
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How far away does this hoe live and work from you all? Is it likely you and your h will be crossing paths?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


susiew #2819753 09/16/14 02:15 PM
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Originally Posted by susiew
I can only hope my husband can recover from such an addiction and do right by us.

You need a lot more than hope, susie. You need a plan..and not Plan Hope. Can you finish the exposure today? You need to get that part done ASAP.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
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Originally Posted by black_raven
Originally Posted by susiew
...if he does not have an answer by then, the kids and I will start getting ready to move.

Start preparing to move now. Don't wait until the end of the month as WH flops around and stresses you out more. You would move out of the country? I assume your children already have passports since your recently traveled to visit your family? So long as no divorce papers have been filed/served you should be able to travel anywhere you want with the kids but you may want to double ck. Int'l travel may have a different standard than domestic.

Welcome to MB. Sorry for your hurt.


My W is from Brazil. In order for her to be permitted (by the Brazillian government) to take my 4 year old for a visit it Brazil, I had to sign a paper at the Brazillian consulate.
That document expires in 2 years.

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Originally Posted by garak77
Originally Posted by black_raven
Originally Posted by susiew
...if he does not have an answer by then, the kids and I will start getting ready to move.

Start preparing to move now. Don't wait until the end of the month as WH flops around and stresses you out more. You would move out of the country? I assume your children already have passports since your recently traveled to visit your family? So long as no divorce papers have been filed/served you should be able to travel anywhere you want with the kids but you may want to double ck. Int'l travel may have a different standard than domestic.

Welcome to MB. Sorry for your hurt.


My W is from Brazil. In order for her to be permitted (by the Brazillian government) to take my 4 year old for a visit it Brazil, I had to sign a paper at the Brazillian consulate.
That document expires in 2 years.

In my country they do not require anything. I know because I go every year. Now to keep them there, I would need his permission, in theory but in reality only if he chooses to make a stink.

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