How far away does this hoe live and work from you all? Is it likely you and your h will be crossing paths?

You need a lot more than hope, susie. You need a plan..and not Plan Hope. Can you finish the exposure today? You need to get that part done ASAP.

I wrote a letter to FIL, I will mail it in the morning. I will tell my sil also in the morning. I have sent fb messages to all the friends he ever talks about but not the entire fb friends list. Or should I send to every single person on his friend's list?

I would send it to all of his friends.
The idea is that one of them with influence may contact him and encourage him to permanently end the affair and work on recovery.

Now, are you using the letter template in Exposure 101?

For fb yes, for my FIL, I just wrote letter. I told him how the affair has affected his grandkids.

I have a doubt, when is an affair considered over? I mean it takes 2 to tango, so if one of them has sent a letter saying it's over don't contact me again, is it considered over or only when your spouse sends such a letter? The thing is if she is not persuing my husband in any way and he technically is not contacting her in any form but still moping and sulking about being in love with her, is it considered an ended affair or a dying affair that could be resparked?

Have you been tested for STDs?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

Maybe, I am just blind and grasping on straws here.

The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.

Your nightmares are only the tip of the iceberg. They are but a small reflection of the suffering you experienced when you discovered your husband's affair, and the fear you have that the suffering will be repeated. You have no assurance that the affair is over because you don't even know who the other woman is. You are being asked to trust your husband, who has already proven to be untrustworthy. For all you know, he could be working with her, or you could be going to the same church, or she could be
your neighbor. And since he won't discuss the details of how the affair took place, you have no assurance that another affair will not take its place.

Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details.

I requested it from the library.I will read your other post when my kids are in bed. Thanks!

Susie, you need to OWN that book becsaue you will need to read it over and over and take notes in it. If you can't pay for it, I would email Dr Harley at the radio show asking him for advice for your situation. If you include your address they will send you a free book.

I have not posted her on cheaterville. It would only be fair if I posted both her and my WH as they BOTH are cheaters.