Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 2 1 2
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by markos
No, I don't want a relationship with her. She was very detrimental to my well-being. Most people who commit adultery find that their children don't want to have anything to do with them when they are old enough to make their own decision.

Let me hasten to add that I have a very, very happy adulthood. I have 15 years so far in my career in technology. I have been married for ten years. The last two of them have been very happy since we got Marriage Builders working in our marriage and learned to quit fighting. We have seven beautiful and happy children. We are involved in our church and involved here.

I wouldn't let my wayward mother around my children (or myself, for that matter) for anything in the world.

Children need wayward parents like a fish needs a bicycle.

When someone is horrible to you, you do yourself a terrible disservice if you think you should continue to stay around them merely because they are family. We actually had to stop seeing my dad and stepmother for awhile because they were so disrespectful to my wife. They eventually apologized and indicated that they wouldn't try to tell us what to do any more, and we have had a wonderful reconciliation, and now they treat us like adults and are a very positive presence in our lives. But if they hadn't done that, we wouldn't have seen them again for the rest of our lives. We have a life to live, and haters are nothing but a detraction from that.

Losing a wayward parent is no loss whatsoever. Sure if the real person were out there it would be great to have them back, but a wayward is an alien who is unrelated to you and absolutely does not have your best interests at heart. So who needs them? You can find better kindness from strangers.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 17
K
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
K
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by black_raven
I don't Plan B my ex but I also limit my contact with him to things involving our children. My son was in band (almost 15 yrs old too) and whenever his dad attended an event, I never sat with him and I never will...that will be the case with a graduation, wedding or other school events. My ex lives out-of-state so it is rarely an issue but there is no way I want to sit next to him lol. My kids (I have a 12 yr old girl too) don't think twice about it either and don't equate sitting together as unified support.

Has your son said anything about it either way?


No, my son has not ever said anything about it one way or the other......WHY do I feel it is ok to sit next to him at DS's band concert? I have no idea now.


BS Now divorced - D date 1/2010 Other History below
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Was Married 17 Years
DS age 14 now
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out. No thoughts of PLAN A again. Went into Plan B for my sanity.....
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 17
K
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
K
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Kim, another reason I don't speak to my XH is because I don't associate with liars and cheaters. Although my son is now 30, that is not an example I would want to ever set for him. My XH is not my friend and is not friend material. He is a corrupt man who has no place in my life. I don't believe it helps kids seeing their parent associate with a corrupt parent.

Have I forgotten all that has happened & pretending XH is an ok guy? Maybe I want to think he is an upstanding father & person. Maybe I think enough time has passed to sweep all of that dirty laundry under the rug. Mel, I don't even know if DS remembers what I told him about XH when I kicked him out the second time. I don't even know if he understood what I was saying..... we don't talk about XH and what happened in the past. and i don't bring up the half-brother. And I feel certain that XH didn't air his dirty past to DS when telling DS about his "new brother."

Geez. And I was just coming on here to visit the dating forum.....


BS Now divorced - D date 1/2010 Other History below
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Was Married 17 Years
DS age 14 now
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out. No thoughts of PLAN A again. Went into Plan B for my sanity.....
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 17
K
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
K
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by MrWondering
Hey Kimberly good to see you around again. Hope your sister finds the help she needs.

I'm fine with you living your life however you choose. Some can coexist and coparent children others can't. I just think the following presumption is often (but not always) unhealthy:

Originally Posted by Kimberly
And I feel it benefits DS

One thing that gets mentioned here often is that "feelings" lie. Again, I don't recall all the specifics of your situation but sometimes a deeper analysis is in order to see if your "feelings" are actually the truth.

Consider, that maybe, just maybe it's unhealthy to your DS to model behavior to him wherein you expose yourself to your abuser and completely ignore the fact that your ex-husband is a bad person. What does this teach your son? Does he think that's what adults are supposed to do? When he's an adult will he then allow his spouse, friend, boss to abuse him and thereafter "feel" required to suck it up and act like nothings wrong because to talk about it or even protect oneself is making a scene or a big deal out of something. Will he learn that other person's feelings matter more than his? Conversely, would teaching him that "you matter too" and that you refuse to have anything to do with DS's father perhaps model strength and appropriate behavior to your son? Then there's YOU. Does putting the "benefit" of DS above your own feelings hurt you? You say you're not hurt or bothered by it but is that absolutely the truth or is that a brave face being put on something you feel required to endure "for the kid"? Plus, you can't control ex-husband. He may not have crossed any boundaries YET...but given more opportunities he may just say or do something hurtful. Suppose he flirts with you or tries to give you fake crocodile tears about being sorry? BS's are always looking for that apology and seeming acknowledgement of the pain the WS caused them and many a WS's have exploited that to try to make themselves (not you) feel better about their life's choices. It's insincere bullcrap. But how is your son going to feel seeing his dad try to get all chummy and or apologetic with mom? Will DS get hopeful for a reconciliation (they ALWAYS hope)? Will he get upset at you for seemingly being the one not willing to consider reconciliation?

This may not require a 180 degree change in behavior but perhaps this conversation will help you be very careful about keeping your distance from your ex-husband and limiting to a greater extent any extraneous interaction. Sure you can be a the wedding and/or graduation in the presence of your exhusband but the situation doesn't mandate you to be buddies or even fake friendly with him.

Hope you aren't feeling hammered. It's all good. Welcome back.

Mr. Wondering

Mr. Wondering -
Hello again! It has been a long time!! Glad to hear from you!! Thanks for your post .....

You also bring up a lot of good points. I appreciate you making me think. I shared in my previous post that I wasn't even certain that DS remembers why XH was removed from the house a second time. He never asks questions at ALL about the past. And then I wonder what he thinks about the half brother. Not sure if he has put two and two together with the timing on that one.

And you are right, that behavior can teach him to "endure" things rather than standing up to what is right. I see myself doing that in other areas of my life. Perhaps you are spot-on. I don't want to see my son repeat my behaviors. Bottom line.

Maybe I am not doing as great as I though. LOL. I do appreciate the posts and do need to make certain that I keep boundaries.

Thanks you guys. smile

My sister goes to mediation tomorrow where she will review over everything she and her H agreed to with a Divorce. She has a heavy heart, but says she is hanging in there.


BS Now divorced - D date 1/2010 Other History below
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Was Married 17 Years
DS age 14 now
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out. No thoughts of PLAN A again. Went into Plan B for my sanity.....
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 17
K
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
K
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by markos
No, I don't want a relationship with her. She was very detrimental to my well-being. Most people who commit adultery find that their children don't want to have anything to do with them when they are old enough to make their own decision.



Children need wayward parents like a fish needs a bicycle.


Losing a wayward parent is no loss whatsoever. Sure if the real person were out there it would be great to have them back, but a wayward is an alien who is unrelated to you and absolutely does not have your best interests at heart. So who needs them? You can find better kindness from strangers.

Markos -
Glad to hear your success story with your wife and children. Regarding not wanting a Wayward parent in a kid's life....I think for you that it is different because of how blatant your mom was with her affairs. Talking about shoving it in your face! I am sorry about that ..... Really, that is the worst. I can see how that would shape your feelings toward her for the rest of your life.

Kimberly


BS Now divorced - D date 1/2010 Other History below
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Was Married 17 Years
DS age 14 now
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out. No thoughts of PLAN A again. Went into Plan B for my sanity.....
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
I have no bitterness towards my ex. I rarely think of him but hell no do I want to sit next to him or associate with him.

My kids know that I am not angry or bitter and that I support them 100% (anyone here who is my FB friend can tell you that).

I wrote the article on Parallel Parenting in Plan B. In my state mandated divorce class, they said that often there can be underlying tension between divorced parents....it can ebb and flow depending on whatever is happening and that it is HEALTHIER for the kid to just see the parents happy and peaceful apart vs sitting next to each with a cloud of tension hanging over their heads.

I don't see any reason to pretend. Our D and his cheating was an awful time. I am way beyond all that now but hell no (again) will I ever be his "friend". Why pretend? I can't...

Anyway, the point of all this is no this does not benefit your son. If you WANT to sit next to your XH and are on good terms with him (maybe he expressed remorse and never married the OW?? Not sure of your sitch), then by all means, go for it!



Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by kimberly2345
Maybe I want to think he is an upstanding father & person.

But he isn't. I don't really think it will serve your long term happiness and well-being to try to persuade yourself otherwise.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by kimberly2345
Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by markos
No, I don't want a relationship with her. She was very detrimental to my well-being. Most people who commit adultery find that their children don't want to have anything to do with them when they are old enough to make their own decision.

Children need wayward parents like a fish needs a bicycle.


Losing a wayward parent is no loss whatsoever. Sure if the real person were out there it would be great to have them back, but a wayward is an alien who is unrelated to you and absolutely does not have your best interests at heart. So who needs them? You can find better kindness from strangers.

Markos -
Glad to hear your success story with your wife and children. Regarding not wanting a Wayward parent in a kid's life....I think for you that it is different because of how blatant your mom was with her affairs.

I think from what Dr. Harley has said my response is really pretty typical. I have heard plenty of cases where people have asked Dr. Harley about how to get their child to get along with their wayward ex-spouse, and Dr. Harley usually points out that it is in the child's best interest to let them make their own decisions on this, and that many people who have had affairs find that their children don't want to have anything to do with them. It's just part of the occupational hazards of infidelity.

As far as being in my face, I have heard far, far worse stories here.

Being a good father means caring for your children's mother! That really is the most important thing. It outweighs schools, education, peer relationships, discipline, moral training, everything. It is the most important model of thoughtfulness any child will ever receive.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by kimberly2345
Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by markos
No, I don't want a relationship with her. She was very detrimental to my well-being. Most people who commit adultery find that their children don't want to have anything to do with them when they are old enough to make their own decision.

Children need wayward parents like a fish needs a bicycle.


Losing a wayward parent is no loss whatsoever. Sure if the real person were out there it would be great to have them back, but a wayward is an alien who is unrelated to you and absolutely does not have your best interests at heart. So who needs them? You can find better kindness from strangers.

Markos -
Glad to hear your success story with your wife and children. Regarding not wanting a Wayward parent in a kid's life....I think for you that it is different because of how blatant your mom was with her affairs.

I think from what Dr. Harley has said my response is really pretty typical. I have heard plenty of cases where people have asked Dr. Harley about how to get their child to get along with their wayward ex-spouse, and Dr. Harley usually points out that it is in the child's best interest to let them make their own decisions on this, and that many people who have had affairs find that their children don't want to have anything to do with them. It's just part of the occupational hazards of infidelity.

As far as being in my face, I have heard far, far worse stories here.

Being a good father means caring for your children's mother! That really is the most important thing. It outweighs schools, education, peer relationships, discipline, moral training, everything. It is the most important model of thoughtfulness any child will ever receive.
Agree with all this.

My exH didn't flaunt his affair in front of our children's faces but my D and he don't have a very good relationship at all. The same selfishness and thoughtlessness that led to his cheating also translated into his parenting. I think that's pretty common.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,788
Likes: 2
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,788
Likes: 2
Originally Posted by SusieQ
My exH didn't flaunt his affair in front of our children's faces but my D and he don't have a very good relationship at all. The same selfishness and thoughtlessness that led to his cheating also translated into his parenting. I think that's pretty common.


Yes, same here


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Quote
Have I forgotten all that has happened & pretending XH is an ok guy? Maybe I want to think he is an upstanding father & person.

But that is not true. The truth is that he is a corrupt person who abandoned his family for an affair. He put you through hell. He is not a good father and certainly not a good person. Letting him believe such an illusion leaves him vulnerable to his fathers corruption. That is what happened to me when I was a child. No one prepared me for the corruption that my father brought into my life.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,708
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,708
So you have never discussed with your son why his parents are no longer married?
You ought to.
He thinks all kinds of worse things otherwise.

Information about his family will help him later on in life as he becomes a man and is involved with romantic relationships and or marries. It is a valuable lesson with valuable experience to his own future.

You can sit with your ex. But don't hide the facts from your child.







Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by markos
No, I don't want a relationship with her. She was very detrimental to my well-being. Most people who commit adultery find that their children don't want to have anything to do with them when they are old enough to make their own decision.

Let me hasten to add that I have a very, very happy adulthood. I have 15 years so far in my career in technology. I have been married for ten years. The last two of them have been very happy since we got Marriage Builders working in our marriage and learned to quit fighting. We have seven beautiful and happy children. We are involved in our church and involved here.

I wouldn't let my wayward mother around my children (or myself, for that matter) for anything in the world.

Children need wayward parents like a fish needs a bicycle.

When someone is horrible to you, you do yourself a terrible disservice if you think you should continue to stay around them merely because they are family. We actually had to stop seeing my dad and stepmother for awhile because they were so disrespectful to my wife. They eventually apologized and indicated that they wouldn't try to tell us what to do any more, and we have had a wonderful reconciliation, and now they treat us like adults and are a very positive presence in our lives. But if they hadn't done that, we wouldn't have seen them again for the rest of our lives. We have a life to live, and haters are nothing but a detraction from that.

Losing a wayward parent is no loss whatsoever. Sure if the real person were out there it would be great to have them back, but a wayward is an alien who is unrelated to you and absolutely does not have your best interests at heart. So who needs them? You can find better kindness from strangers.


I just want to make an observation that everything this poster describes is EXACTLY what God expects us to do in marriage.
According to the Bible, when He created the institution of marriage He said "A man shall leave his father and mother, and a woman shall leave her father and mother, and the two shall become one"

In marriage, we often vow to "Forsake all others". This includes anyone that places the marriage at risk, even relatives.

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
Originally Posted by reading
So you have never discussed with your son why his parents are no longer married?
You ought to.
He thinks all kinds of worse things otherwise.

Information about his family will help him later on in life as he becomes a man and is involved with romantic relationships and or marries. It is a valuable lesson with valuable experience to his own future.

You can sit with your ex. But don't hide the facts from your child.
I agree. What is the reason your son believes why you got D?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Page 2 of 2 1 2

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,254 guests, and 50 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5