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OK, so I just told him and he asked me for a timeline. I am not even sure what that means.
I have been trying to find a job in Southern California to move near my parents.
Me: 38, have been divorced for 4 years
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OK, so I just told him and he asked me for a timeline. I am not even sure what that means.
I have been trying to find a job in Southern California to move near my parents. You can't stay with your parents for awhile? Have you asked them if you could?
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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OK, so I just told him and he asked me for a timeline. I am not even sure what that means.
I have been trying to find a job in Southern California to move near my parents. What did you tell him about? I don't get it. Did you read my post about going into Plan B? Have you written the letter? Found an intermediary? Set up visitation? Are you reading my posts? I am spending my own valuable time writing these posts and I don't feel you are reading them.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Can you please read this post and respond? Even reading the plan B letter, I'm like...no. He was as total [censored]. I'm tired of reiterating that I would do anything to fix the marriage and taking responsibility for my part. I tried to do that before this all started. I begged for marriage counseling, etc before his affair was underway. He refused. He is a brick wall. If I always have to make this much effort, it's so not worth it. He takes up too much energy. I would start writing the letter in your own words and post it here so we can give you feedback. Get your IM lined up and make arrangements for child exchanges so you can include that in your letter. You don't have to write the letter verbatim, but just make it a very pleasant letter, no anger. It is the last memory of you that he will have. In the letter, give him your conditions for reconciliation: 1. end his affair 2. commit to marriage reocvery 3. get a new job 4. move away And I would move away from there as soon as you can. Regardless of what happens in your marriage, you don't want to live in a community with the OW and all her friends. That will be a nightmare for you. And if your marriage is to ever recover, you need to be far away from there.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Melody,
I am reading your posts. I understand the plan B concept. I was trying to make arrangements to do it and also arrange a move. He texted me and asked me what it would take to reconcile. So I told him. Perhaps that was a tactical error.
When I told him he asked for a timeline. I just said as soon a possible. I can move with my parents. However, I am looking for a job because I have to take daily medication of seizures, so I need insurance. It's dangerous if I don't have this medication and my doctor is trying to order me a large supply, but my insurance may not pay for it. Anyway, I'm doing my best to get things in place.
Me: 38, have been divorced for 4 years
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He texted me and asked me what it would take to reconcile. So I told him. Perhaps that was a tactical error. It's not a tactical error. He needs to know and it can be said again in the Plan B letter. However, I am looking for a job because I have to take daily medication of seizures, so I need insurance. Insurance is through your current job?
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Melody,
I am reading your posts. I understand the plan B concept. I was trying to make arrangements to do it and also arrange a move. He texted me and asked me what it would take to reconcile. So I told him. Perhaps that was a tactical error. Thats ok, but you still need to go into Plan B. Have you started writing the letter? Do you have an intermediary?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I don't have an intermediary. That is the hardest part. I live in San Francisco with no car, so I need someone close to my house.
Also, his schedule is really flexible so he just picks her up from daycare whenever he wants. He sees her like 5 days a week. So, I guess I will need to get a legal separation to get a visitation schedule in place that will prevent him from just getting her whenever he wants.
Me: 38, have been divorced for 4 years
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I don't have an intermediary. That is the hardest part. I live in San Francisco with no car, so I need someone close to my house. Nono. The IM can live in China as long as she has email. You don't have to have someone close by. All communication can go through email. Also, his schedule is really flexible so he just picks her up from daycare whenever he wants. He sees her like 5 days a week. So, I guess I will need to get a legal separation to get a visitation schedule in place that will prevent him from just getting her whenever he wants. From now on, there needs to be a concrete schedule. No more loosey goosy because the more things that are not scheduled, the more reasons for contact. So you want to eliminate that. Plan B should emulate divorce and in divorce, visitation is not loosey goosy, it goes according to a schedule. I would also put in your Plan B letter that your child can never be exposed to adultery partner.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I would move in with your parents. That will give you family support, get you out of affairland and make it easier for you to implement Plan B. If your current job provides insurance, you still have the option of Cobra or private insurance. If your insurance is through WH's work then he would be dumb drop you since he would be jointly liable for your medical bills. Him knowing that CA is a community state can be thrown back at him...he would be responsible for your medical bills whether he likes it or not. If you file, the law will probably not allow him to drop you from his insurance. I don't recall CA law on the top of my head but will take a look for you.
What county are your parents in? I am originally from SoCal.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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PW, you can not file for D if you move to SoCal until you have been there for 3 mos. However, you can file for legal separation ASAP. http://www.courts.ca.gov/1224.htm#tab8688
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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This is a thread of a BW who was looking to move to CA, had very young children and would not have a job lined up: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=170288&Number=2803153#Post2803153Last we heard she never moved but you may want to read through her thread when you have chance.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Melodylane,
The communciation intermediary is not problme. It's the pick up and drop off that is hard and I am trying to figure that out because she is so young.
Also, I am already in CA. I just want to move south. I can file for either if I want to.
Me: 38, have been divorced for 4 years
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Just have him pick her up from day-care according to your visitation schedule. The day care operators are probably only interested in what the residential parent/bill payer wants. Ask them what they would do if he showed up on a day that wasn't his. Get them to call you before releasing her to him if you like. At the end of the day if he snatches her without your approval or knowledge - call the cops. You only have to provide him with visitation times not 24/7 access which leaves you wondering where she is. Or ask someone at your church to oversee a handover there. If you move near your parents they could do it. You are exhausted. Until you lock this abuse out of your life you are going to drop in harness. Your daughter needs you on your feet. Happy. Choose an IM who is ballsy and calm. Someone who can handle a ranting wayward. Email is by far the best medium. If he contacts her saying "This schedule is baloney and I have the right to see my wife whenever I want to blah blah blah." She needs to be able to say "I cant give you any legal advice on your rights, sorry. All I know is that's what she has given me to pass along and that it is all explained in your letter. I'm here for you in case of any emergency or scheduling problem. If you can't make any of the visitation days etc, just let me know and I will pass it on. If he replies: "Well tell her I am taking her Tuesday as well.." She will just say: "The visitation days on the schedule is the only times PW has available for you. If you can't make any of the days just let me know." OK, so I just told him and he asked me for a timeline. I am not even sure what that means. It means "How long can I continue having two women on the string before I have to grow up? If I cheat on you for two more weeks does that still give me room for forgiveness?" It's an addiction. One they can give up tomorrow - but never today. Ok. My husband already told me that they knew and didn't care. I also don't know what their names are. She has a bunch of sisters and they all have different dads, so they have different names (you can see where this woman is coming from, right). She has lost a lot of friends over this and doesn't seem to care. Every OW we see has parents who 'don't care one bit - so don't you dare tell them! They care. She cares. That's why the song and dance about how much they don't care. She's taking him home to mommy. She can get new friends but she cant get a new family. Also - if Mom IS a bit scummy - OW knows this. No one wants the scummy parent who let you down growing up to either approve/disapprove when you are being just as scummy as them. We've seen gangs of tramps stick up for an OW - only for them to be riven by cat fights within months.
Last edited by indiegirl; 09/21/14 08:03 AM.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Melodylane,
The communciation intermediary is not problme. It's the pick up and drop off that is hard and I am trying to figure that out because she is so young. Cant this be done through the daycare center? It seems like you already have that in place.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Just have him pick her up from day-care according to your visitation schedule. The day care operators are probably only interested in what the residential parent/bill payer wants. Ask them what they would do if he showed up on a day that wasn't his. Get them to call you before releasing her to him if you like.
At the end of the day if he snatches her without your approval or knowledge - call the cops. You only have to provide him with visitation times not 24/7 access which leaves you wondering where she is. Without a court order the police will not do anything and neither will the day care center...they can try to stall but they are obligated to hand her over to him. WH has legal right to pick up the girl any time he wants.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Also, I am already in CA. I just want to move south. I can file for either if I want to. I know you are in CA...but I didn't read far enough down. Thought you would have to be in the new county three months but since both of you are in CA there is an exception. .
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Oh, here is the issue--she spends every night with me because he goes to work so early (5:30am). Even if she spends the might, he can't drop her off that early. So there needs to be a hand off somewhere. Another reason he should quit his job!
Last edited by PigletWiglet; 09/21/14 10:07 AM.
Me: 38, have been divorced for 4 years
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Oh, here is the issue--she spends every night with me because he goes to work so early (5:30am). Even if she spends the might, he can't drop her off that early. So there needs to be a hand off somewhere. Another reason he should quit his job! I am confused. Why can't your husband pick up the child from daycare for a visit on Wednesdays at 5 for 2 hours and then Saturday afternoons for 3-4 hours? He could pick her up there and drop her back off. You could then come 30 minutes later and pick her up.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I will push for that during the week. Daycare is closed on the weekends. But I will figure something out.
Me: 38, have been divorced for 4 years
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