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When I originally posted my story some time ago, I had a very difficult time communicating my situation. For some reason I was constantly to defend myself from being accused of providing misleading or untrue statements. It seems my particular situation was so unbelievable people had a hard time digesting it could be the reality that it was.
Anyway, I am posting now because I value this site and the teachings of MarriageBuilders and implemented them trying to save my own marriage, and I believe I can get a lot of help moving forward...
I separated from my wife in February, and began a new relationship/affair in May. This was with a woman with a similar story as mine, and whom I had been friends with for over a year and I believe was in an emotional relationship with since December.
She and I connected in a major way and understood the hurts that come from emotional abuse and I will say, although I'm sure to get a lot of flack for it, that it has been the healthiest relationship I have ever had. Open, honest communication, caring and selfless behavior, and an engaged and loving parent.
My divorce was final in August, and now we have both breathed a sigh of relief and are happily moving forward with a tremendous amount of joy and hope for the future.
Anyway, here is my question. As a victim of emotional abuse, over the last 6 months of being seperated from my abuser, I have awakened to the insecurity and fear I was living in. From this point forward I want to live free of the wounds that the last 16 years have produced, and so I am hoping for some advice on what preventative steps I can take to ensure I live a vulnerable and fear-free life from this point forward.
This amazing new woman in my life has helped me more than I could have hoped, and I her. We have both witnessed each other come to grips with the tragedies we both endured, and have challenged and encouraged one another to keep growin and take relational risks.
We have had numerous misunderstandings and disagreements, that in my past relationship would have been two days of tears and screaming, and yet within an hour we have resolved it and moved on ever stronger. Oh my gosh! I never knew relationship could be this way! Growth! Health! Progress! Wow!
Anyway, I know my situation is rather unique, but any positive and encouraging advice would be welcome indeed. I am looking forward to living inside the happiness and joy and fulfillment I have been missing all these years. :-)
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You started an affair and left your wife for this woman?
This will not end well.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Is your current affair with the woman you wrote about here, or is it a second affair? In the summer of year 13, after all those years of most of my emotional needs going unmet, I was approached by a younger single woman who began immediately showering me with words of affirmation. In the beginning it was primarily surrounding my work, but it soon began to be more personal. She talked about how she had always hoped for a man like me, she communicated her envy for my wife, etc. It was as though I had never breathed before. I found I had no willpower in the matter, and over the next couple weeks I spoke to her every chance I got, and came to believe this was perhaps the way it was supposed to be. I became very confused and shameful because I was talking to another woman, and although the conversations never went beyond PG-13, I carried a tremendous amount of guilt. The first time I felt like I was being hit on by this woman, I went home and told my wife, hoping she might recognize I was desireable and maybe feel a little jealousy, and then reach out to me reminding me how much she was all the woman I ever needed. But unfortunately she only accused me of being flirty and probably sending signals to her which caused her to hit on me, and I was devastated. Within two weeks my wife saw a very non-romantic text to her and thought I was having an affair. Other than an occasional hug, the relationship was never physical, so thankfully that had not happened. By the end of the night my wife accepted full responsibility for the relationship, and express her sorrow for not meeting my needs all these years.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Sir,
Are you living with this woman?
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You started an affair and left your wife for this woman?
This will not end well. Thanks for the positive encouragement.
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Sir,
Are you living with this woman? No.
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Is your current affair with the woman you wrote about here, or is it a second affair? In the summer of year 13, after all those years of most of my emotional needs going unmet, I was approached by a younger single woman who began immediately showering me with words of affirmation. In the beginning it was primarily surrounding my work, but it soon began to be more personal. She talked about how she had always hoped for a man like me, she communicated her envy for my wife, etc. It was as though I had never breathed before. I found I had no willpower in the matter, and over the next couple weeks I spoke to her every chance I got, and came to believe this was perhaps the way it was supposed to be. I became very confused and shameful because I was talking to another woman, and although the conversations never went beyond PG-13, I carried a tremendous amount of guilt. The first time I felt like I was being hit on by this woman, I went home and told my wife, hoping she might recognize I was desireable and maybe feel a little jealousy, and then reach out to me reminding me how much she was all the woman I ever needed. But unfortunately she only accused me of being flirty and probably sending signals to her which caused her to hit on me, and I was devastated. Within two weeks my wife saw a very non-romantic text to her and thought I was having an affair. Other than an occasional hug, the relationship was never physical, so thankfully that had not happened. By the end of the night my wife accepted full responsibility for the relationship, and express her sorrow for not meeting my needs all these years. Well, I am not in engaged in an affair, I am single and so is she. But to answer your question, no, this is a different woman. Thank God that deal never happened, it would have been awful. She had some major emotional issues. Not as bad as my ex-wife, but bad enough.
Last edited by OregonBoy; 09/23/14 02:08 PM.
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You started an affair and left your wife for this woman?
This will not end well. Thanks for the positive encouragement. It wasn't positive encouragement.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Posts: 67
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You started an affair and left your wife for this woman?
This will not end well. And to answer your question, no that is not true. I did not leave my wife for this woman. My wife and I separated because of 16 years of neglect and abuse. It was only after I was resolved to finally free myself from her that my relationship began. And thank God it did, she has been an incredible encouragement to find the courage and strength to walk a very difficult path.
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Well, I am not in engaged in an affair, I am single and so is she. You are engaged in an affair because you left your wife for this woman. And you're seriously posting on a site called Marriage Builders, whose goal is to support marriage and fight affairs, asking for help to make your affair succeed! That would be ironic if it wasn't so tragic.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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I separated from my wife in February, and began a new relationship/affair in May. This was with a woman with a similar story as mine, and whom I had been friends with for over a year and I believe was in an emotional relationship with since December. An affair.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 67
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You started an affair and left your wife for this woman?
This will not end well. Thanks for the positive encouragement. It wasn't positive encouragement. lol, yeah I know. :-) My point is, the purpose of this forum is to strengthen relationships, not tear them down. I'm looking for advice on enriching and building a relationship, not subverting it. Let's stay positive people...
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I separated from my wife in February, and began a new relationship/affair in May. This was with a woman with a similar story as mine, and whom I had been friends with for over a year and I believe was in an emotional relationship with since December. An affair. Yeah, it was an affair then, but not anymore...
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Regardless of how my relationship began, my intention is to move forward and eventually marry this woman. Many relationships are built upon bad circumstances or timing. We must let go of the past and do what is best now. Why wouldn't I want this relationship to succeed? Are you seriously insinuating that it would be good for me to set aside an obviously healthy relationship? That seems to go sideways of the purpose of this site...
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lol, yeah I know. :-) My point is, the purpose of this forum is to strengthen relationships, not tear them down. I'm looking for advice on enriching and building a relationship, not subverting it. Let's stay positive people... People here are not positive about affairs. Don't you get that?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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lol, yeah I know. :-) My point is, the purpose of this forum is to strengthen relationships, not tear them down. I'm looking for advice on enriching and building a relationship, not subverting it. Let's stay positive people... People here are not positive about affairs. Don't you get that? Relax, of course I get that! I'm not positive about them either! What I am getting at is, the affair is over, so now it's time to move on, so let's work together to make this the best relationship it can be. How is that bad?
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Relax, of course I get that! I'm not positive about them either! What I am getting at is, the affair is over, so now it's time to move on, so let's work together to make this the best relationship it can be.
How is that bad? I'm quite relaxed, thank you. The affair isn't over; it is continuing. It's the marriage that is over.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Well, I am not in engaged in an affair, I am single and so is she. You are engaged in an affair because you left your wife for this woman. And you're seriously posting on a site called Marriage Builders, whose goal is to support marriage and fight affairs, asking for help to make your affair succeed! That would be ironic if it wasn't so tragic. Let me be clear. There is no affair. There was one, but not anymore. In the same way my ex wife and I were fornicating before we were married. When we got married we were no longer fornicating. An affair is only an affair if one or more parties are married, that is not the case here...
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Relax, of course I get that! I'm not positive about them either! What I am getting at is, the affair is over, so now it's time to move on, so let's work together to make this the best relationship it can be.
How is that bad? I'm quite relaxed, thank you. The affair isn't over; it is continuing. It's the marriage that is over. That's just dumb. How can you have an affair with two single people?
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If we can, let's try and stay on topic, go back and read my initial post and let's focus on building up, and not tearing down. Unless you have something targeting at strengthening relationships, it's better to not post...
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