x 2

Don't give her a dime.

I could be wrong but I don't think ROs show up on background ck. A criminal conviction of a crime would but not an RO. RO typically expire in a year. Not sure I'd go through all this fighting an RO and you still haven't been served with them either.

I don't know what state you live in but this attorney site in MA says:
http://www.arnellaw.com/FAQ/209A-Re...sTheRestrainingOrderGoOnMyCriminalRecord

axe, what state are you in?

I'm in MO. I know for sure it would enter the system our law enforcement uses for background checks, but not sure if it would remain there after expiration or whether civilians (e.g employers) have access to this system.

And I have been served these for WW's RO, it just didn't happen until last month which caused the hearing for the RO to be rescheduled a few times. The RO was originally filed back in October.

Also to be clear, OMs RO isn't in play. It was apparently dismissed altogether at the full hearing (which I did not attend, and likely OM did not either).

My thought is that the RO has some sort of value to WW or I doubt she would have bothered showing up in court twice already for these hearings that ended up being rescheduled. It's enough of a hassle that she has something in mind or I doubt she would have bothered.

And whatever it is isn't protection because I haven't made any attempt to do any of what she complains about on the filing since I was snooping which was 3 months ago at this point.

RO's are intimidation tactic. She is trying to use it in the divorce as a lever to gain sympathy or more favorable terms.
It is one of the first things all waywards are advised to do, in order to get you to roll over. It is sickening the script that gets played out time and again. It has no legitamacy and is used to punish you.
If she is so scared why is she calling you and asking for help.
She can't just get herself removed from property tax assessments unless there is a signed divorce. Auto tax might be different if you sign off, but if there is a lien on it, then not until a divorce.

I agree with your assessment, for some reason she thinks it has value. Does she have an attorney representing her for the RO hearing? If not, she will get creamed if you show up with a prepared attorney.

You need to get an attorney.

This is probably all because OM is upset that you exposed him on Cheaterville.

Gotcha

I've been reading back through your thread and was trying to listen to the radio clips but they aren't playing on my computer for some reason.

You said there was an email from her where she denied asking you to sign over a car to her (something like that) if she dropped the PO...what did she email to you? I am unclear on that.

I tend to see this as a very likely reason. Just simple vengeance.

She said very little about her own exposure other than to object to me snooping on her and complain that I've caused her family to fight amongst themselves (some sibs came out strong in support of the M, some did not, and so there was fighting between the two camps).

But OM on the other hand is clearly a victim in her book, and that seems to be typical from what I've seen on here with other WWs. She's specifically complained about the troubles I've caused him/his reputation 3 or 4 times now.

Don't get what's so lovable about a victim but it's clearly part of her attraction to him. Back in March or April when I was aware of her friendship with OM but not that it was an affair, she had told me one time that we needed to pray for him because of various hardships he was going through. It bothered me immediately that she was having these kinds of discussions with him, but I didn't know enough about affairs to know how much of a red flag this is.

Anyhow, I think she probably sees all of the consequences of his exposure as being her fault since I'm her husband, and so maybe she feels this is a way to even the score for him, or some sort of gesture of support to him. Weird. Or he's asking her/insisting for her to do it.

She's never offered an exchange on the PO/RO. The topic of a protective/restraining order has never come up in conversation with her.

She did tell me if I signed over a vehicle and gave her some firearms, she wouldn't ask me for any more property or "fight" me in a divorce. I didn't do any of that because I didn't trust her for a second, but anyhow, that's what she said. That's the only statement she's made about a trade of sorts.

EDIT: In the same email she also said I could keep the vehicle she was asking for if I agreed to pay back a loan she took out from her parents after she left me. Something like $1000 she borrowed from them. So that was another trade she offered. Wayward logic.

My ex was similarly furious about exposing the OM

I suggest you hire an attorney for the flat fee of $600 (or whatever it was) vs wasting more time on this. Time is money. You have the defense of -

1 - Your WW is mad at you for exposing her affair that she secretly carried on for x months. She has since moved out and is being vindictive. You have never harmed or threatened your wife.

2- Your WW is mad and is punishing you for not giving her money to pay bills she has incurred since she moved out, has blackmailed you to not fight you in a divorce if you signed over a vehicle and gave her some firearms (I would emphasized her desire for firearms too), and she will let you keep your own car if you pay her $1k. If it's brought up that the parents loaned the money, you can explain that you are on good terms with her parents (you even had Christmas with them or whatever ) and they have been supportive of you and disapprove of her affair...plus the parents have not asked you for any money back. That would be a settlement issue in a divorce (family court.) Everything she has sent to you in email or text can be shown for her wanting money and property.

3- I believe stalking requires "repeatedly" following her. This was a one time event not repeated and again you didn't threat or harm her.

4 - She accepted a Christmas gift from you.

I would bring up the affair because if divorce is filed, you are in a no fault state and can bring up the vindictive PO filing (if it gets dismissed) as evidence that your WW has already pulled stunts to get money out of you and it introduces the affair.

Print text and emails that show she has contacted you multiple times for money and about the cars. Print texts and emails from her parents (if there is any) that show anything about Merry Christmas, thank you for the gifts, we love and sorry our child is cheating with this POS, etc.

Back in a bit...

This email is one for evidence. That she wants cash in hand not a payment and is asking you to trust her to make the payment (oh your honor did I mention that my WW has been lying to me for x months and boinking waffle man behind my back)...so of course you should give her some cash.

And isn't paying any tax assessment on a car she drives (if this is the same car) so she is going to remove her name but can you still give her some cash.


Don't offer that...that is a bad move and would make you look bad...like you are trying to buy her off.

ETA: The money would be better spent on the lawyer who can also send her a message that you aren't doing to be a doormat and roll over if you go to court in a D.

Don't offer that...that is a bad move and would make you look bad...like you are trying to buy her off.[/quote]

x10 This will going against you if/when you go to court

Spoke with a criminal defense attorney today. Here's the upshot:

Criminal defense attorney thought our odds were mixed. She thought WW was unlikely to prove stalking based on the GPS unit since I owned the vehicle, and she thought WW's continued contact to me regarding money and property transfer would contradict her claims of feeling threatened and look very poor in front of a judge. However, she thought that some of the other forms of snooping mentioned on WW's RO filing (such as retrieving a voicemail left by OM from her mobile account) would be enough to put the whole matter into question.

Her basic recommendation was that I need to keep all of the communication WW has had with me and present it at the hearing, but I should also probably file for D to be certain that the RO will not be granted. Absent of a D filing, she felt the outcome of the situation was not very certain, though I did have some very good things in my defense. It was really just the snooping of her mobile account that really bothered her. We did not have a joint phone account, it was exclusively my wife's.

She also clarified that in my state, an RO will stay in the state law enforcement database permanently, and while civilian employers would not have access to it on my record, federal employers or contractors would in a background check.

By far this was the most informed attorney I've spoken to with regards to protective orders and so I am opting to use their firm. I will be speaking with their family law attorney tomorrow morning about filing for divorce as a means of responding to this. Of the 3 attorneys I've spoken to, this was the only one concerned with the details such as WW's communications with me, the rest were very dismissive like they wanted to get me out and move onto the next client. I think there are facts about WW's behavior in this situation that matter and could influence the outcome of whatever happens.

It sucks, but to be honest I feel like filing is the reasonable choice at this juncture. I would be stunned if WW does not contest a divorce, and with the backlog in our court system, that will add 9 months for things to change if they're ever going to. If WW comes around in that time frame we can always stop the divorce proceedings. And personally, I just don't know why I should continue to hold out hope for a turnaround. It would be a miracle at this point. I'm just a piggy bank to WW at this point that she randomly decides to contact once a month, there's no real relationship between us. I don't even feel like I'm a real person to her. It's very disrespectful, to put it lightly. I'm tired of it.

And part of me wants to try to reason with her but (1) I'm cynical enough to see that she could use any of that against me in court and (2) if her head was screwed on straight none of this would be happening. The person I want to reason with doesn't exist anymore, she's been replaced by someone I don't understand. All of the knowledge I have of how to relate to her is kind of invalid because it's experience with a different person than who I'm dealing with now.

Thoughts?

It does sound like filing for D is reasonable at this point. Even if she doesn't contest it you might be able to do things that will make it move slowly.

When my WW filed I had a limited time to respond to her petition. If I had not responded, her petition would have been granted by default and our marriage would have been automatically dissolved after 90 days. I filed a response and now, with almost no other action on my part, the divorce will not see a hearing for 5 or 6 months.

I would think that if your WW finds your initial petition to be agreeable she may choose to not respond and your divorce could be finalized quickly. If you want to give your marriage more time you might consider an initial petition that she will not like. It is likely a pretty fine line between not giving her something agreeable and not looking unreasonable in the eyes of a court.

Of course, I don't think you should have to offer her anything "reasonable". She walked out on everything, why should you have to sacrifice anything?

Yeah, I've heard the same thing.

There was definitely this for me from my wife until her POSOM went a little nuts and now makes her sick even thinking of him (I can't help but smile at that).

Given what I read in your thread and Dr. H's thoughts that WW is unlikely to abide by boundaries and/or EPs anyway, I would file D if there is some benefit to the RO being dismissed. I still am not clear why a divorce filing would squash/delay the RO though. For financial protection alone, I would file D.

I personally think your WW's evidence is weak and but can understand you may not want to throw the dice in court. There are a lot of stupid judges out there.

Whatever you decide to do, do NOT contact WW to try and reason with her. I assume that WW's parents know about all this RO stuff?