That year probably did untold damage to you and to your chances of marital recovery. Dr. Harley recommends you give it three weeks! If he wasn't willing to take a polygraph on the subject after that time, you needed to go to Plan B to protect yourself.

Attempting recovery without the right conditions being met is like engaging in brutal exercise without stretching first. You are going to pull a muscle and damage something.


He is not serious about recovery and you are going to hurt worse if you even try!


Get out of there and into Plan B until he is actually serious.

Your husband wants you to live away from him so he can continue to carry on with women. And your parents foot the bill for housing you.

Please use the Marriage Builders plans to save yourself from this before you end up in the hospital.

nope. didn't know there was one

You need to *figure out a way* to have him do a poly, for starters. You have been trickle truthed into a huge bitter state of resentment, and you are right, you have NO way of knowing if the last bit of 'truth' was truth or just another tidbit of info to shut you up. Which he gave you because he was outed by your friend, NOT because he couldn't lie anymore....

Whether you get serious about recovery and recover your marriage, or move on into Plan D and personal recovery, finding out the full truth will at least fill in the puzzle for you.

Can you have a garage sale, since you are moving? Or find some things in the house to sell on Craig's List? To help pay for the poly.

What is this nonsense? Did he say this with a straight face?

Where were you, according to him, when she broke into your house and put her hands down his pants?

I was in Wisconsin while this entire affair happened, taking care of my sick mother. He never gave me any indication that there was anything wrong with our marriage while I was gone. I believe she woke him up. He had pulled a double and does not wake up easily after that. I can have whole conversations with him that he doesn't remember. But yes, he could have stopped her at any time once he woke up, but he didn't he continued to have sex with her. All after he had told her it would never happen again and he was terrified his wife would find out and he'd lose his wife and kids. She spent the whole time telling him I would never find out and even if I did I would never leave him. She was right. i didn't leave. With both bits of information. I did take a week away this time to think and it was enough for him to put his resume out to another job and actually find another job several states away.

The only reason we are living apart is because we have not sold our house. We literally cannot afford to rent a house and have this house for sale. You are all right that it is not good for the marriage and will just be detrimental for us. I have no other solution though. Am I supposed to sell myself to make enough money for rent? That's about the only way we could come close to having enough rent money.

Yes, this last year has done a number on me. I don't think i will ever believe him again. I don't think I can ever believe that he actually loves me after having kept this secret from me for so long. He saw what it was doing to me, but kept hurting me anyway.

I am having a hard time believing that any man will ever want me. My own husband chose another woman over me. He then chose to hurt me for an entire year and a half afterwards. I'm not an independent person. I married him right out of high school. Went from living off mom and dad to living off him. I have been a stay at home mom. I believe those who can just up and make the decision to stand on their own 2 feet and ask for a divorce are those who have worked full time and are independents. I'm not that strong. It terrifies me. I'l have to rely on myself and I don't know how to do that.

I also feel as if no one could ever really love me. Yep i need counseling. I've been going, but it just isn't really helping. Maybe it's time to find a new counselor. But of course I couldn't afford that if I was on my own.

Your thread is full of excuses: excuses for your husbands adultery and excuses why you can't follow Dr. harley's program of recovery.
Can you please stop making these overly dramatic scenerios, such as the choice between prostitution for rent money vs. staying in your home?

They're not excuses. They are real life problems. Can someone care to tell me how I can get around these issues? We have put our house on the market. But I don't see it selling due to how bad the market is here. Hopefully we can get a short sale, which will of course ruin our credit so we can't buy another house.

In the meantime we cannot afford to rent a house while we are still paying a mortgage on the house we have. We are lucky that we have somewhere to go, allbeit being 2 hours away from each other. I've said this is hard and I dont see how it's going to work out. I'm not making excuses there. But we can't all fit in my sisters apartment and he can't commute 2 hours each way every day. It isn't feasible or affordable. So what's the solution? Do You all think we should just claim bankruptcy? Quit paying our bills and let the bank take our house? Then once again we have destroyed our credit and can't purchase a new house for 10 years. How great of a life is that for our kids? How great will that immense stress be for our marriage?

oh and I'm not excusing his adultry anymore. he had sex with another woman. Period. There are no excuses for him. What he did was wrong and has hurt me more than I've ever been hurt in my life. I feel betrayed, stepped on, thrown aside, ugly, weak, pathetic, and unloved.

Your marriage can survive hardships.
it cannot survive ongoing affairs and that is what you are choosing to avoid the financial hardships

The MB program of recovery is not a cafeteria-style plan where you pick and choose what you want to use.
It's all in or out.
Your methods will not lead to recovery.

These are the overly dramatic statements that Jedi was referring to. They are not helping your situation at all.

There are many people on these forums, from all socio economic backgrounds and from all over the world, who have *found a way* to problem solve these very same issues, to follow the MB program and recover their marriages. You see only black and white: black - living apart and white - complete and total financial ruin. There ARE options but you are not coming across as interested in finding them, just arguing why bad option 1 is better than bad option 2.

You are completely closing this option off. Why? You have OBSTA�LES to overcome, but that is different than saying it is 'not an option. period.' Are you in the USA? If so you are in a free country, where anything is an option, short from breaking the law.


Is this true? You later wrote that following the affair, he put his resume out and found another job. But now finding ANOTHER job is not an option. Why? What has changed to now make him unhirable when in recent past he wasn't?


In our state there are many rental companies that will find renters for you and manage the rental process, and you don't need to be present for that. I have many friends who have done this, due to the poor housing market, and it has worked fine for them.


How do you know this? How do you know EVERY other option is making less than he is now? Have you looked at ALL the options?

And what about you, could you make up some lost income if needed?


Yes, it is. But you are not looking for solutions to the obstacles.


Again, you are stubbornly avoiding possible solutions, and just finding reasons why things that have worked for many other people are 'not an option' for you.


For some reason you seem to think that everyone else on this forum is not in real life, and does not also have to find ways to overcome obstacles to recover from an affair. That is simply not true.

If you continue to have this attitude that nothing is an option for you, that the MB plan for recovery is not an option, then you will continue to be depressed and not recovered. Its really that simple.

Unwritten, you were reading an old post. I have posted since then. Yes I was making excuses. I did not see him being able to get a job because he had been trying for almost a year to find one. We gave up. When in all actuality he wasn't even looking. As I said I am not making excuses. He had an affair. He was not willing to relocate us and most of those excuses came from him. This was a year ago.

I am fed up. With everything. I left and he seriously looked for a job and within a week he found one. So we are moving. We are doing what we can. We've already explored all of our options. Me getting a job will not make us able to rent an apartment or house or whatever.

I do no feel like I am getting much support in here. I am hurting and everyone is just telling me what I'm doing wrong. As if this is all my fault now when he is the one who had an affair.

You aren;t responsible for his adultery but everyone told you to move a year ago.

So, now you are moving but you will not be together.
This will not work.

Atu I understand your frustration. I have been in a similar situation. I believe the MB plan will work but sometimes we are not able to follow that plan to the letter for whatever reason. Be strong for yourself and your children. It is hard but you will be able to work through this. It just takes time.......lots of time.