Please help just 1 hour ago found WH been having an online EA for the last year. For those who know my story this is a HUGE blow, it's 6 am in the UK now and I am beyond devastated

Help pls

So sorry NB. I don't think your WH has ever truly embraced and lived by MB.

I think you need to get him out and go to Plan B and seek a lawyer.

Who is the OW?

He did to Mb to the letter for 2 years then things starts to go downhill hast year, OW is some sad online gamer, have got and kept a record of 1 years conversations and voice messages between them. It's an EA she's in America he's in UK but it still stings like mad.

Exposure underway he's hiding in shame, even his cancer diagnosed dad lost it at him today,

I am once again devastated, all was still ok from my end this time it's cause he never planned to leave me but I wasn't enough,

Haven't slept in 28 hours feeling foggy and exhausted.

He's now quoting Mb to recover marriage, I'm reading when to call it quits, no doubt he will reappear here soon enough tail between his legs as an attempt to reconcile,

I'm done

Your husband must agree to write a No Contact letter.
He must also agree to have no online access for the rest of your marriage as an ExtraOrdinary Precaution.

I am so sorry.

This is your post in 2012:


The Extraordinary Precautions were apparently loosened and now there is an internet affair.

And in 2013 this was posted to you in Recovery Thread:


In the Recovery thread, you posted that WH would sneak off and play the game early in the morning and late into the night with his Iphone.

If you want to recover and remain married you must get rid of the smartphones and internet access. This was a major loophole because the games are very similar to facebook in that they allow players to private message and develop relationships with each other.

I can truly say that I know how devastating this is.

Sorry and hugs, NB.

He never really embraced EPs or POJA....similar to my exH. He didn't want to let go of his IB or his SSL. This is evident in most of your threads.


I would move to Plan B immediately, even if you are not sure what you want to do with the M. Let him do the work (if he is serious about wanting to do MB "to the letter", he can reach out to the forum or Dr Harley) while you get some emotional distance and decide what you want to do.

((((NB28)))))

You are going to be OK even if this ends in D. Ask me how I know!

I was very unhappy and constantly worried in my M and didn't even really see it until I got some emotional distance. It really took a lot of my energy and attention, and without that dark cloud over my head, I am honestly much happier divorced. Marriage to a serial cheater is no fun.

Hang in there.

I have heard Dr. Harley say on his radio show that if a couple goes through the recovery process and spouse who had the affair has another affair in spite of EPs, then his recommendation is to divorce. Your H knew the pain he caused the first go-around and ended up doing it again, in spite of the hurt you suffered. He obviously isn't being transparent if he continues to have a SSL.

Very sorry to hear about this, NB28. Your husband's lack of care and refusal to deal with his addictions are tremendously selfish and destructive.

Go Plan B unless he is willing to put in place and be held accountable to stringent EP's. At this point you're dealing with a veritable "Meth addict." And from what I can infer from recent posts, he addictions have never been checked with real accountability. I'm not blaming you; it's 100% his fault.

This couple did not follow EP in the first place.
The iPhones and online games should have been gone but they weren't.
Harley is very clear in his book that there can be no deviation from his recovery program and extraordinary precautions.
This is the the result of not following his procedures.

He deleted the game as per POJA but then installed it back in secret, met the OW on it and hey presto here we are.

He will agree to anything right now, I don't care it's time to quit. I got to raise my babies right and can't do that with him, kids and me will go NC with him. Plan b knce finances in order,

Im not doing plan A ever again, I am done,

He supposedly ended the A sent NC letter but I could not care less I am done

We did follow MB for 2 years straight, including all EPs. I gave up my company!

Couldn't agree more

He is spewing EPs at me but I don't care. I deserve better and any love I had for him has turned to immense hate and disgust.

Dr Harley also suggested he go on ads for his low self esteem, he got the ads they were working well but for some reason he quit taking them.

He's in self distruct mode and I'm not going to stick around for it anymore.

The I-Phone was what enabled him to live a secret second life.
He should have NO internet access.

You have every right to call it quits.
I divorced my wife because she refused to end her affair and after more than two years of divorce I feel good. Real good.
Plan A nearly killed me physically and emotionally and I'm so glad to be away from that mess.
It's a decision that only you can make.

The deal braker among other things he sent pictures of MY BABIES to her I mean MY BABIES I'm hitting the roof all over again

Based on that alone he will have NO access to the kids. He's dangerous and she could have been anyone

Ok so are you moving into Plan B?

Of course. He's in love with her and wants to share things with her.

Unfortunately, this is beyond your control.
If they are his children, the law will enable him access to them.

Yes, when will you be going into Plan B?

I competed exposure yesterday. Plan B from Monday to give me a chance to get myself protected first. Not doing a plan B letter as don't feel the need for it there is no recovery for us and D is the only way.

In the next seven days,

Got to have an appointment with lawyer
Got to change my phone number
Close all joint accounts
Transfer bills to right accounts
Close all email accounts
Close down my facebook to avoid him getting to me that way which is where he is publicly grovelling now
Secure my schedule and childcare so there are no gaps
Have an IM who is willing to help and lives in my street so kids visitation exchanges will happen at her house.

What have I missed?

You may want to do a modified Plan B letter, one that details how contact will occur (IM), parallel parenting details, etc. Just do not include anything in the letter that tells him terms for reconciliation, since you are not interested in reconciliation.

It would be good to spell it out to him, you know your intentions but if he doesn't it is just an excuse to continue trying to contact you. If you clearly state how things are going to work from now on in the letter, at least he can't say he didn't know or understand, and he has no reason to contact you (even though he will still try).

Good point and I will do that as I have obviously told him in person there is NO chance for us to make it through this but he's still pursuing recovery.

The thing I feel angry about right now is that it turns out there were 3 women involved with him online. One German married lady he has been having Skype sex with for 4 years, two American women one married one he has been having sex with in Skype too and one single woman he has been just talking too both of them for one year. I have saved all the evidence including a video I found of them masturbating together and feel it is my duty to expose it to the married women's husbands but they are truly anonymous, no real names, no facebook contact. Any idea how I can do this?

Sorry NB28

Have you already asked WH to leave the house? I would ask him to leave.

I don't recall the details for your story but I would open a bank acct today and transfer some funds in there in case WH decides to get nasty and clean out the accts. I would do this right away.

Oh NB, you poor love.

It's better to find the husbands without confronting yours but I'm not tech savvy enough to suggest a way. If all else fails I would send him a message before going dark.

"If you were at all remorseful you will tell me the identity of these women. I do not believe you don't know. I would need to know who these enemies to my marriage are to consider recovery"

Which is true even when you don't want recovery!

I think it would be worth a shot; he would very likely throw them under a bus.

Do take good care of yourself.

How are you today, NB28?

Plan b starts Monday, spoke to lawyer yesterday and it was free as it's a service offered from my job.

Found out so far

5 women in total

1st one was just sweet talking online been going on for 1 year.
2nd 3rd sweet talking and skype sex as well as regular phone sex been going on for 1-2 years.
4th woman been having online/skype and phone sex with him for 4 years (yes 4 years including when he was on Mb claiming recovery)
5th woman was a one night phone sex thing.

I couldn't type much on here because he is aware of MB.

He will be leaving the house on Monday. Filing divorce on Monday. Bank accounts sorted and I can be financially independent from him so im ok.

Only thing I have struggled with is telling the kids.

Found 100 shades of perversions including him sending pics of my kids to these women, him masturbating in his car while at work with these women, him and these women had a great nickname for me "monster"

You were ALL right. Despite reading MB a every day and following it he still found a way. I think he is sick and I can't help him, I need to look after myself and kids.

Packing up his stuff daily now. His parents are with me and disowned him, none of our friends will ever speack to him again, he truly messed up his life and for what?
Cheap thrills on the net.

He used an app called parlingo. I had full access to his phone but he installed software that hides apps so I didn't see that one as well as skype.

people watch out for these apps and follow the advice here. NEVER EVER allow a wayward to own a smartphone.

All these things took place on his iPhone,

I am 100% sure he does not have any of their spouse contacts or actual contacts outside of skype and par lingo.

I have gone undercover and spoke to these women to gather Intel for usage in court, all of them gave me details and screenshots of the filth he took part it in. I couldn't get any more Information on the women's spouses,

I am so angry at myself right now, 4 years of my life down the drain.

We could all say that about wasted years but in your case it isnt as true as mine. While married I learned nothing, you learned how to be an MB spouse. It doesn't sound like much as you head for divorce but trust me it is.

Divorce was a pretty great experience for me actually. No more half measures it was all full on focus towards me.

Thanks indie,

I will be ok I know I will be.

He duped 5 women he was a master manipulator, I can see that now.

It's the kids I feel for

And despite what others have suggested on here I have every right to keep him away from them.

UK laws are not great when it comes to fathers rights. I have saved all the evidence of him doing the stuff he did with my kids in the house. I could hear them in the background! He stands no chance.

He's out Monday? So is he staying in the home currently?

Yes gave him till Monday.

Why is he not out of the house already? I cannot possibly understand why you would allow him to stay there a minute longer than necessary.

And are you saying you have not exposed to your children yet?

Two questions:

1) Is the pain of this experience more, less or equal to the violation of a house burglary?
2) Exactly how long would you allow house burglars to stay after discovery?

Hon, c'mon.
- He's not earning his board in the house as husband and father. In fact, there's quite the deficit.
- There are plenty of perfectly good park benches
- You have plenty of better ways to spend the weekend than being the world's cheapest boarder of internet pervos.

One of the thing that always staggers me about betrayal is the
BS in question always makes far too many allowances in the name of 'fairness' by being terribly unfair to themselves. The instinct is such they try to catch them or delay the WS on the way to the rock-bottom of his/her fall.

Why?

He is here because I'm not well enough to do anything, does that make any sense, I use every moment of strength to get the lawyer and financial issues sorted,

I'm in hiding from the kids because I'm a mess, he's taking care of them and told them I have a bug of some sort.

I haven't told the kids because I havent faced them yet, needed to detach for a bit to make sure I am making the right decision as opposed to staying with him out of guilt for them.

He knows he's out, all electronics on lockdown for their sake. He's here because I need help and it's sad the only person who can hell is my rapist.

I don't care if he sleeps with manky rats under a bridge. I'm taking care of myself..


I can either take the kids out of their activities and distrust them even more right now because I don't even have the energy or concentration to drive. And then leave them alone most of the day while I curl up in bed sobbing or I can take fbe time I need to gather my strength and get him to do the heavy lifting with house and kids while I do that.

Seriously considering booking a flight out ASAP and going somewhere for a week to just take a breath,

Sorry you are feeling so run down, NB28. BTDT

Don't go running off anywhere. Monday is just around the corner. Make sure you are eating and going to bed a decent hour. Paperwork for the lawyer can wait...even the financials can wait.

SInce he is to be out Monday. He should be packing up his stuff. If you have not told him that then tell him. Don't wait until Monday to get boxes or whatever. When he is out, he should have his things so he doesn't have to come back.

You can do this, NB28. Hugs to you.

Honestly NB you are not going to get stronger for 'taking a breath'. How do you take a breath with him in the house? I think you will be more ground down come Monday, not less.

Can you send the kids to friends' houses? Relatives? Get a posse of friends/family to come round?

You are going to need help packing him up - he's not going to do it. A reluctant to go wayward will take a teeny nightbag and toothbrush.

I honestly don't see anything wrong with you keeping them home and going to pieces for a while. You'll be stronger after a good cry and clear out. I doubt you will after this weekend if he stays.

I'm packing because it makes ME feel better, he knows under no uncertain terms he is leaving and that's final. It's like an emotional cleanse.

He knows he has messed up royally, he has cried begged and pleaded but I have not shown one ounce of emotion towards him, I'm not even getting angry. I am stating clearly I am done.

I keep my straight face but fall apart when I can lock myself in my room quietly.

Monday I will be back at work so will have something to keep me busy, I now work for the emergency services on the ambulance so it's a fast paced job with no brake, I won't have time to think of his sorry backside while I'm performing CPR on someone.

And sleeping ok but have not eaten a thing since Friday, I just can't bare to look at food, drinking water only. Don't know why I'm doing this but it helps keep me numb.

Try nuts or bananas. Even if it's one bite or just a spoon of peanut butter

I didn't know if anyone was packing but good that it is underway...whoever is doing it.

You need to eat something. Even if it's just a little soup or a few bites here and there. You won't be doing yourself or your kids (or even your employer and patients) any favors by being weak, tired and lightheaded from lack of nutrition. Substitute that water for a milk shake or something with calories and vitamins. Working in the medical field you know better so make the EFFORT to get some food in your belly.

NB,

I think you will regret not being honest with your children. Their father has ruined their family and they are cluelessly bonding with him before he leaves, thinking you are sick.

I am sorry but I just don't agree. They deserve to know the truth and I think it is OK to let them see the pain that you are in.

Running out door. Be back later.

x 2

And need to run out the door myself but will ck back later.

I agree. You need to tell your kids.

Told 13 year old today, he looked his dad in the eyes and said
" I'm disappointed in you and won't ever be able to look at you the same."

He begged me to give his dad another chance and if he does it again he will throw his stuff out the window.

I explained I just can't give his dad another chance, it broke my heart to see him so devastated.

Tackling the little ones tomorrow.

Thanks for the push everyone.

Good job. This why it's so very important to tell the children the truth.

Good job with the 13 yr old.
Now....what about the little ones?

I want to point out that you are going to feel a lot better once he is out of the house, NB. I would not delay this a minute longer than necessary.

Even if all his stuff is not packed up, so what? He can get the rest later.

I'm packing his stuff to keep me busy not the reason he's at home. 24 hours to go and I'm done,

I'm never not listening to anyone on here again. Seriously,

Telling big one was a big deal. Will tell little ones next week as they have one week off school coming up so they will be at home and I can keep an eye on them. If it's better to tell them straight away then I will do just that,

So what did you tell your 13 year old? To keep this to himself?

No way! I wouldn't put that on him!

I told him hks brothers don't know yet and he said he didn't want to tell them, I said I will tell them but he worried about them, honestly he said he does not want them to feel as bad as he does.

I have raised a smart caring young man and I am proud of him.

I want the others to be as ok as they could be in this situation too.

If I intended to save the marriage I would have told them so their dad can see what he has done to them. But in all honesty I have given up on him ever being a decent person after all the creepiness he got up to with them around.

It's one thing explaining daddy had a girlfriend and married men don't have girlfriends

Where in earth do you begin to explain the perversion to the kids? Seriously?

Daddy sat in a car masturbating with women on skype?

These women are abroad how do I explain what he did and how wrong it was?

I deal with this on occasion and I try to share my feelings with the kids. For example, my DD8 has asked if mommy can ever visit the house to which I reply "It hurts my feelings to see her and makes me sad."

Kids can relate to feelings so you may want to try expressing your feelings especially in Plan B when they ask these questions

Tell them dad goes looking for girlfriends online.

Do you really want to go to work tomorrow? Because being psychologically unable to work is just as legitimate as being physically ill. You can surely get sick leave, and I wonder if you really want to work tomorrow, being in the state you are in and haben such an important Job, where you need 100% of your mental capacity.

All done he is out. Plan b/d is underway

How are you feeling? Eating?

Felling relief, food not so good still. Going to work in 5 mins feeling anxious.

The lead boots feeling is inevitable but a better life has started for you now.

How did telling the younger kids go?

Just finished a run of 4 night shifts, didn't kill anyone and all patients were ok, proud of myself for managing that.

Plan B is as dark as can be and NC with soon to be WXH. Don't even know or care where he is.

Told the little kids, they broke up from school Friday so I can keep an eye on how they are processing this separation/divorce.

They were confused cause all they saw of us the past 3 years was UA time snd what I thought was a good marriage minus the fact that he was still cheating etc he was being a good husband.

I'm lonely and feel my walls are up. I don't want any man within a mile of me and feel resigned to being alone and unloved at least until the kids are old enough and have moved on to adulthood.

This sucks so badly.

Glad no one is dead!!!

Be kind to yourself, NB28. Your feelings are very normal but you won't always feel this way.

Hugs to you.

How are things? Where are you on the divorce?

Hey BH,

All is going ok, still in Dark plan B with no brakes at all. Not seen him or heard from him. His dad is doing a good job of bein IM. His dad is on my side and is very helpful. I am working Xmas nights so the kids will go to their grandparents where they will also see WH.

Saving up for divorce as I want it done right. Although I get legal advice through work I want the divorce to be handled privately. We have no assets so not worried about loosing anything financially.

Feel low most days because I lost the family unit that I worked so hard for but I rather have this than the lies and the betrayal.

Don't miss him but miss what he could have been had he manned up and been a decent husband.

Got insurance to safeguard the kids, got a confession letter about his behaviour while he was working (using company car to park in public and masturbate with his online women) that I will use should he involve my kids or do anything around my kids and other women. Other than that he can do what he likes as long as the kids are left out of it.

Don't know what else to do with myself at this point, just working all the time to escape the loneliness and pain. Been preyed upon by men at work who find out about my marriage situation so shut down and became a very private person where I keep to myself as not interested in anything but raising my kids in peace and not getting involved with anyone until they are at least adults.

Hey NB I saw this and hoped you would update your thread.

How did he end up with the kids and the house and everyone thinks he is charming? You exposed his affair correct? What happened?

This breaks my heart to hear NB28, and yes, like Brain Hurts I'm curious how it happened that he ended up with this kids?? But thank you for posting it. Makes me feel more assured to stay in a dark plan B.

This update is hard and I am ashamed...

Ok so here goes...

After being in plan B 3/4 months he descided to meet the conditions I set for recover, I didn�t believe him without actions. He did some actions and showed remorse. I agreed to give it 6 months and assess how I felt. So broke plan B... started dating. Put divorce on hold.
Needless to say that although he didn�t have more affairs he still had boundary issues and started to accuse me of being controlling again, he was so full of resentment and just no longer owning what he did but put it on me again (didn�t give him freedom, he wanted to walk away before the first affair but I wouldn�t let him... etc etc) I soon realised this was a no hope situation so separated again, this time I didn�t feel the need for plan B because I just lost all care for him. I would see him and he just looked different, he just wasn�t who I married and loved anymore.

While the divorce was in process I messed up. I went to my work Christmas party (December 2015)and got drunk, I don�t drink often so it does not take much for me to feel the effect. I got hit on by a colleague and I stupidly slept with him, up until that day I had only ever slept with my husband, he was my first and only regardless as to what else happened. The colleague was a nice gentle person, he was caring and not the typical male who peruses someone, my guard was down and I messed up. Although I had been separated now for 4 months and divorce was in process it�s still not something I would do, nor would want to do, work had been my sanctuary from all the marriage stuff and I messed it up big time as well as let my own morals go.

Like this wasn�t enough of a stupid thing to do. I didn�t even think of protection because my husband has had a vasectomy and it just wasn�t something I ever expected to do..... 6 weeks later nausea and familiar breast soreness alerted me to the fact that I may be pregnant, took a test and all hell broke loose.... I was pregnant by that one night.

I was humiliated at work, had to come off road duty and be in the admin office where everyone would realise what had happened as they knew I was divorcing my husband... the father of the baby was in shock too. He was kind and supportive but we really didn�t know each other well enough to be future parents together.

I considered an abortion, I went to 3 appointments and just couldn�t do it... I couldn�t justify ending a life when it had been as a result of my own stupidity... had I used protection and got pregnant I could justify it but i didn�t, this was on me.
My next option was adoption.... at 16 weeks pregnant I contacted the local services. Started the adoption counselling did everything they asked in order to convince them I was serious. They didn�t listen, they refused to find a family for the baby until he was 6 weeks old... as you can immagine that was horrible, I brought him home and up until he was two weeks old I was still begging them to find him a family. The UK adoption system is horrific for the person giving up the baby. They just don�t want you too and especially if you have a good job, Are older and have a healthy lifestyle. At two weeks old I loved him, I just couldn�t fight the services anymore and decided to make it work. He�s beautiful, he�s happy , he�s adored and has brought so much joy to me, his father and his siblings throughout all this mess.

With all this going on of course the ex played victim, he wanted and loved his wife, he was remorseful over his affairs, now he understands how I must have felt etc etc but I betrayed him by having a child with someone else.... so he was the victim...he fully took advantage of my mistake. These comments were made to friends and family of course never to me or even attempted to talk to me a part from tell me I am ruining the kids lives by having the baby, he offered to push me down the stairs to make me loose the baby as well as put stuff he researched on the net in my food so I would miscarry.

He just woldnt leave me alone... constant harassment to terminate the first 3 months then threats that I had to put baby up for adoption. His name was on the house so he could and would legally come and go as he pleased. It became too unbearable that and with the pending adoption I cracked...I moved out.

With maternity pay loss all I could afford was a one bedroom flat. He then went for custody of the kids quoting my mental health issues as a teenager (one suicide attempt at 17, 6mothns worth of post natal depression after first baby that resolved with simple meds and one serious suicide attempt after his first affair in 2008), his situation of working from home and my job involving shift work also didn�t help my case as well as not having any finances for lawyers while his mum and dad helped him financially with the lawyers.

He got the kids, he got the house (well not fully I still part own it but can�t divide it, sell it etc until the youngest child we have turns 18).

That�s it that�s my life now. I have the kids on my days off.. 3 nights per week and he has them the rest of the time...
I house share with the baby�s dad as it allowed me to rent a 4 bed property and has enough space for all the kids.
He has two daughters from a previous marriage... he can�t afford a 2 bedroom flat to accommodate the girls and I can�t afford a 3 bedroom house to accommodate the boys... sharing the house is equal to renting a one bed flat each separately and the baby has both his parent here so we share him between shifts and other children.

The kids all get along and I am more settled after that storm.
I still have one regret....not doing plan B earlier, not listening more to the advice and just enabling that man to do all that he did.

amac, I have followed your thread from the start, keep going.... your WS sounds as entitled as mine did and the trashy affair woman just made me scream.... I was going to put my baby up for adoption... if he ended up with someone like her I would have lost my mind.

Your WS just goes to wherever life is comfortable, he�s lazy, selfish and unfaithful to all.... if he wasn�t your husband would you associate with someone like that? Would you actively choose to be in contact with a person like that and anyone who supports/enables that behaviour? My guess that would be a no.... so consider that every time you are tempted to have contact with him or his family... do you even really want to?

Knowing him now.. you wouldn�t marry him the way he is, you wouldn�t date him knowing what he is now... so be grateful you got the best version of him (when you married him and when he was a faithful husband for x years) because whoever has him now will never have that... they will always have a man who�s a coward that cheated on and abandoned his family.

Thank you for you comments and update, NB28. I cried reading your update. I just kept thinking, how can humans be so awful? Thinking of your WH, the things he said to you during your pregnancy and taking your children and home. I am so sorry.

You are right, I would never associate with the kind of person WH is now. That is why I plan to never speak or see him again, as long as he continues to be this person. I am so much better off. I believe justice for me would be if he and OW ended up together, what a miserable life they would deservedly have.

We are the same age, we both, but you especially, are so young to have gone through all that you have. But I think better to happen now, while we are still young. There can still be a whole other fulfilling life for the both of us. I'm actually slightly jealous of you with your last DS, one child that your WH cannot touch. I would love to have another baby.

Oh my goodness NB! This story is so heartbreaking!! But I can see exactly how a serial WS would - and could - do this in order to twist everything around so that they preserve their SSL at all costs. It is eye-opening to see how real evil has played out in your life. And the stuff about no one else seeing what he is doing to you really hits home for me. He has managed to wrap everyone around his little finger, making you look like the bad guy in the process. That is deliberate, planned, strategic deceit and manipulation. No honest and open person can compete with techniques like that. It is shocking. I am so so sorry for what you and your kids have been through. But I do love Amac's comment above: "your last DS, a child that your WH cannot touch." The story is not over yet. Evil people do not live happy lives forever. Their decisions and actions will catch up with them at some point. I just hope that you will be able to ensure that your kids learn the right lessons about life, even if you are not with them every day.

NB what a heart breaking ordeal!

Have you been able to protect yourself from contact with your ex yet? As youve discovered it's not just about your feelings for him but th3 waywards intense desire to grind down his BS: his malicious harassment of you. I can't begin to imagine what the abortion pressure must have felt like. Please tell us he will not be harassing you any more.