I'm new here, and I need some help. I wasn't sure where to post this, but here goes. My husband of 18 years has told me he doesn't love me anymore and he wants a divorce. He says he is unwilling to try to make our marriage work. He admits to having hidden his unhappiness from me, and says that he knows it's unfair, but he is done. The thought of staying with me causes him to feel almost suicidal. I am devastated. I am very much in love with him, and if I had known he was unhappy I would have absolutely done everything in my power to meet his needs.

I am 100% certain he is not having an affair.


Some background: 12 years ago he had an emotional affair- as it started to become physical he ended it and after about a year he confessed to me. We worked through Dr. Harley's program at that time, but I never dealt with my anger and resentment. A year after his confession, we moved to a new town where I didn't have the support system I had come to depend on. Within the year that we lived in this town, I developed a friendship with a man, and spent a lot of time talking to him about my anger and resentment toward my husband. Eventually I asked my husband to move out, and he stayed with some friends for several weeks. When he went to look at an apartment in our old town, I asked if I could come with him, he said yes, and I never looked back. But we never really dealt with what had happened. Now he tells me that he never believed that I didn't sleep with the other man (I didn't). He says that he made the choice to just give me anything I wanted to get me to stay, and he just kept doing that for the last 10 years. He says I used to take care of him, I haven't in a long time and he's unwilling to let me try now.

He says that all we have in common is our kids, and they are our biggest source of conflict.

Also, in March 2013 we experienced a stillbirth. After that, I suffered from depression, took meds that affected my libido and caused me to gain weight (but I could function) and just as I was weaning off the meds, accidentally got pregnant again. The pregnancy was an anxiety filled time for both of us. I was very uncomfortable physically, and didn't initiate sex at all. He says he suggested it and I blew him off, which I think was times when we couldn't really because of the other kids, but I didn't follow up. I was completely emotionally a mess during the entire pregnancy. He told me he was unhappy two weeks after our daughter was born. (She's healthy and perfect.) Now she is 8 weeks old, and he has agreed to stay in the house until she is 3 months old to help with her. He is an amazing, completely involved dad, and he is friendly with me and seems happier than he has in a while, but he sleeps on the floor and doesn't want to talk about what is going on.

Please tell me there is some hope. I recognize now that I came to expect to get my way all the time, and that is why our conflicts over the kids (discipline, etc) haven't been getting resolved. He agreed to go with me to a counselor only to talk about parenting because we will still have to co-parent. When we were there, he did answer some of my questions, but we left the office both miserable and him more resolved than ever to leave me. I did listen to the things he said about parent in, and I have been implementing the changes he suggested (because he was right, and because I want him to see that I am listening). What else can I do? I am not giving up!

Have you considered using Marriage Builders? It is a great program that really works when you use it. It would resolve all of your problems.

Start reading the information here: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2695386#Post2695386

If by that you mean going through the books (and doing all of the work, of course) with my husband, I would absolutely do that. He has indicated that he is unwilling to do anything for our marriage. He says he is done. I didn't ask about that specifically.

Sorry, we were posting at the same time. I've read that, but it assumes both parties are willing to try. Any suggestions on getting him to that point? I'm a little scared to ask him again for a chance to work it out. It seems to just strengthen his resolve.

What would it take to keep him in the marriage? Would he come here and talk to us about the problems from his perspective?

What if we could help you guys create a happy, integrated, romantic marriage?

He probably knows that counseling is worthless and doesn't have any hope. Marriage Builders is dramatically different from traditional counseling though. It really does work.

Either that or he is having an affair. How do you know he isn't having an affair?

1) I've seen what he acts like in an affair, and he has not been.
2) he hasn't had any time when I didn't know where he was. He's either at work or home. I know people can be creative, though, so
3) I asked him outright. But I know people lie, so
4) I went through his stuff.

I didn't find a single red flag, so I am convinced.

jkwpurple,

Did you ever recognize that you were in an emotional affair with the OM? And did you ever acknowledge that to your H? Was the OMW ever told about his affair?

God Bless
Gamma

I don't know if he would come here. He has just said over and over that our marriage can't be fixed.

Gamma, no. I didn't recognize it until recently when the counselor called it what it was. There was no omw - his wife had recently left him for another woman, which is where our conversations started.

I don't know now whether to bring it up and apologize and talk about it when I know he doesn't believe me.

Just so you know, this is not convincing at all. What would be convincing is if you spied on him to see what he is doing. Do you have spyware on his phone? What about a GPS on his car?

Don't bring it up. The last thing you need is to bring the unpleasantness of the past into the present.

What are his main complaints about your marriage?

Wow. No spyware. His car is a work car. If he was not going to work, he would have lost his job. It is a government job with strict policies about absences. I will look through his phone tonight when he gets home.

I have seen THOUSANDS of affairs over the years AT WORK. That is typically where affairs occur.

I thought about that - not bring the painful past into the present, but he has already brought it up. When the counselor asked what was going on, he started with the same background information I gave here. And I think he has some resentment about my not acknowledging it. Also, he told me how hurt he was by what I did.


His main complaints? The first thing he said was that he had just been deferring to me in any conflict or big decision, because he didn't want to fight and that would lead to me getting fed up and leaving. That tells me that I am probably being demanding and/or disrespectful. I don't threaten to leave, that is left over from the time 10 years ago.

Not enough sex. But he doesn't want it now.

Kids - specifically discipline - I am too permissive - the kids run the house

And he said that I have put the kids above him - basically that I only care about them and not him. I have done that by defending them when he is getting onto them about something. He's right - I have done that. Not since he pointed it out, though. He's right about all of these things.

I may have missed something. The baby is crying on me as I type here.

Oh, he didn't say this now, but I know that he has a strong need for affection, and I have definitely not been meeting that need recently. The past year and half has been really difficult for both of us, and I dealt with it by turning inward, and he didn't say anything about how that was affecting him until now, and I was too caught up in my own turmoil to realize it. Not that it's an excuse. I still should have noticed, I just didn't.

Would he be willing to stay in the marriage if we could solve all of these problems for him?

I will ask.

jk, I would print out this article and tell him you have a plan to completely resolve the problems and restore the love in your marriage. It is not a waste of time like "counseling' but a real, step by step program that does work. Here is an overview of the plan: How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage