Thank you Melody for helping me find where to start. Wish me luck!

I will for sure!!

jkwpurple,

One thing you can do is offer to take a polygraph about your affair, and while you said that you did not sleep with the OM, did you do other things you did not tell your H about? Kissing is sexual as well.

Your H may have felt like your second choice ever since you asked him to move out in favor of the OM, your lack of affection may confirms it, at least in his mind.

God Bless
Gamma

That did not go well. He listened to me, then said he didn't want to. He doesn't think it can work, and he's been doing this (trying to make it work) a long time.

Also, I looked at his cell phone records. There were a lot of texts to one particular number. I turned on the Verizon message service that lets me see the content of text messages, but it doesn't show past messages and it sent him a text welcoming him to the service. I didn't realize it was going to do that. When he got home I looked at his messages and he had deleted all the messages from that number. I think I may vomit now. I cannot believe that this is happening. I don't know what to do now.

It's very possible that he may be having an affair.
Does he have a smartphone?
There may be spyware that you can secretly install on his phone.
You should also install spyware on any computer and place a GPS unit on his car.

If you can afford a PI, they can do most of this for you and find out if he is having an affair.

Can you sneak some spyware on his phone?

Go to this website and see if you can find out who the cell # belongs to: http://safecaller.com/index.php

If you want to confirm he is having an affair, I can help you. But it sounds like he is emotionally done and these men rarely come back unless they have an epiphany. I do understand you still want to know for sure about a possible affair. Before you go through the technical ways to track, you can reverse the phone number of the OW online. Try intelius.com. If that doesn't work, you can call or have a friend call the number and find a way to make her give you her name. Be sneaky about why you are calling and make sure your friend dials *67 first to be anonymous. I got everything I needed in the middle of the night when he was sleeping. I went on his computer and went to hus email and pushed "forgot password". The code came to his phone which was in the kitchen. I deleted the message after writing it down. I had to set up another password on his email. So, he'll know you hacked in, but who cares? You have to do it regardless. I went through his wallet and car in the middle of the night. If you do all this, you will find things! But like I said before, does it really matter now? You don't trust him. Your gut knows the truth and that's all there is to it.

Well, he admitted it this morning. I had already done a reverse lookup on the number and it is a woman that I think he works with. I looked at his email while he was sleeping and saw he had multiple contacts with 2 different nicknames, and many voice mails from her. I was only able to listen to a couple and they were hangups. This morning I looked at him and said you're lying to me, and he finally said yes, I am. And he confirmed that it is an ongoing pa. And he's not sure he wants to stop. I was actually a little relieved, because he finally told me the truth and because this out of the blue adamant desire to leave and unwillingness to work on the marriage makes sense now.
She is single. When i asked if he would consider breaking it off and working on us for a while, he said he would think about it.

I have never been less happy to be proven wrong. But I am glad that I came here, otherwise I don't know when or even if I would have found out. He said he didn't say anything before because he didn't want that to be the focus. He sees it as a symptom of our problems, not the cause. Which I can agree with. Not letting him off the hook, but recognizing my part. I guess I'm in the wrong forum now.

Why the wrong forum? Listen, he is trying to put all the blame on you. This is typical. Please don't go there! I did the same thing and I came to realize it's just not the way it really is. If he was unhappy, he could have sat you down and told you so, before he had this affair. did he do that? I'm guessing no. Of course you could have probably been a better wife and I'm sure he could have been a better husband. He's in love with love and you won't be able to fight this. He's the problem, not you. He'll try to put it all on you, believe me. Just keep telling him this: "I hear what you are saying, but I don't buy it". Stay calm and just tell him that and don't elaborate. Tell him he is making the biggest mistake of his life and will come to regret it. You probably should go into Plan B until he agrees to commit to working on the marriage.

Why are you talking to him? A man in an affair is not smart enough to hold up a conversation and you can't trust any agreement he gives anyway!

Use your evidence to expose to the people who DONT know, not the one person who does!

Read the thread in Melody Lane's signature and follow it to a tee.

It's scary but you can't possibly get dragged into humiliating debates about who he is going to pick. Exposure makes it clear that a)you don't and never will cover up such behaviour and b) that this 'relationship' is an embarrassment never intended to survive the light of day.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this deeply painful discovery. Now that you know the truth, you need a plan.

Have you read up on Plan A? Here's what you need to do. Expose the affair far and wide to your friends, family, church clergy, and to the OW's friends and family. Exposure is very important part of Plan A. Exposure will put tremendous pressure on the affair. Your H will see the disgust and disappointment of the people in life and see a tiny peek at the reality of what he's doing. It can help to lift the fog, but it's not guaranteed. Exposure also gives you, the betrayed spouse much-needed support. Read up on Exposure here >>>> Exposure 101 - Your Most Powerful Weapon

In Plan A, eliminate all your love busters. Stay calm and pleasant. Express a willingness to meet his ENs once his affair is over. Demand that he leave the OW.

Dr. Harley recommends no more than 3 weeks of Plan A for a woman, because it's so painful and can not only destroy her health but also makes her less attractive to the WH.

Click "notify" and ask a moderator to move your thread to the Surviving an Affair forum. You will get lots of help.

Jk, I am relieved you found out because we know how to deal with this. Ask the mods to move this to surviving an affair. RIGHT NOW go find the OWs Facebook page and copy all of her contacts into a text doc for safekeeping.

Then go read my exposure thread and start preparing for a massive exposure. It is your best weapon in saving your marriage.

"I have never been less happy to be proven wrong. But I am glad that I came here, otherwise I don't know when or even if I would have found out. He said he didn't say anything before because he didn't want that to be the focus. He sees it as a symptom of our problems, not the cause. Which I can agree with. Not letting him off the hook, but recognizing my part. I guess I'm in the wrong forum now."

Of course he didn't want his affair to be the focus. He wanted to blame YOU for the demise of your marriage. It is like the crackhead who blames his wife for his crack addiction. Marriage problems can be fixed. Adultery will destroy a marriage. If he was sincerely looking to solve the marriage problems he would not have had an affair. An affair does not resolve marriage problems.

I am sorry for your discovery. But as of right now, that changes the order of things.

Yesterday you thought you were dealing with a man who was just damaged beyond repair, and wanted to leave because he was no longer in love. Once that point is reached and someone has made a decision, it is difficult to change.

However today you know that he is actually in an affair fog. And this means there are things you can do to turn this around!

CRITICAL. You need to and I mean absolutely NEED to follow the advice of the vets here. You need to follow a plan. Dr Harley's plan for affairs has helped save thousands of marriages, and it can help you save yours too. But many people in your shoes come here and want to follow their own plan, and they do, and it fails. If you want to turn this around you need to follow Dr Harley's plan.

The first step is to expose this affair far and wide, without any warning to your BH or his OW. DO NOT in any way warn him that you are going to do this. Meanwhile, while you are preparing for a very immediate and full exposure, you will want to be in Plan A. Think of this as showing him the kind of woman he CAN be married to, and the kind of marriage he can have, if he chooses to stay and recover the marriage. Be the better choice. And realize that if he refuses to end the affair and you move on to a Plan B of no contact, this will be his last impression of you and you want it to be a good one.

Update here often. The advice you can get here at this critical time is invaluable.

I don't have any evidence. Just proof that he has texted and talked to her a lot. I'm a sahm of 4 kids, we have zero extra money to spend on getting proof. I guess I'm hoping he will have some sort of realization on his own, now that I know. I know that's not very likely.

Ok, either she's not on facebook or she has me blocked. I can get someone to get the contacts for me.

I knew that the advice here would be to expose, but I am having trouble with that. I'm sure I'm not the first person to feel squeamish about it. Not only scared, but I don't want to be the person who is airing dirty laundry everywhere. Does that make sense? Talk to me about this, please.

You have full proof of the affair, HIS CONFESSION. You can safely expose the affair wide and far.

Keeping it a secret is to enable the affair. We can't help you If you won't expose it. Please go read Mtttt thread on exposure,

We are trying to help you save your marriage; not help you avoid squeamishness.

purple;

I, too, was "squeamish" about exposure. And I resisted doing it. And NOT doing it, well and fully, only made things worse... MUCH worse.

If I have one thing I would change... one thing ... it would be that I would have done a more thorough job of exposure, right away. It is the one thing that would have made such a difference ending in my fWH's A.

With exposure, you are telling the truth, not "airing dirty laundry." Besides, it is not YOUR dirty laundry... it is a consequence of the A, which your H and the OW chose; you did not.

Take back your power. Expose. Follow Melody's advice EXACTLY.

You can do it.