Ok. I hear you. I have a friend looking for her on facebook now.

Do that. Or create a fake profile to get the contacts.


You are not the first one to not want to expose. Nobody really looks forward to exposure. But at that venture there is a split. A select few face their fear and do a mass exposure, and deal a blow to the affair that is unparalleled, giving them the BEST chance at saving their marriage. The rest choose to not expose, and they pay the price. Not only does the affair go on and the chance of marital reconciliation decrease, but eventually it leads to divorce. The BS is left with no support, keeping a secret that was not even their doing, moving into divorce with nobody even knowing the real reason for their marital demise. Meanwhile, the AP's frolic in their secret until they leave their spouses and spin story about how they met 'after' the marriage was over, and who would know differently?

EVEN IF your husband came to his senses and decided to come back to the marriage, you have a long road of recovery ahead. You cannot go through recovery without support, continuing to hide a lie.

There is no downside to exposure.

Did you read the Exposure 101 thread? You want to do a full exposure, not just to a few select people. There are exposure letters to help you do it in a way that does not seem vindictive, but rather are seeking support for your marriage.

Yes, I have been reading it, and you're right, it doesn't sound vindictive. It feels vindictive, a little, but I'll have to get over it.

And you suggest exposure far and wide even if he willingly ends it? Why would that be necessary? I have every intention of telling my support people (and not just one or two people) but I am not seeing why I would call his mom after he ends it to tell on him.

Of course, this is just a fantasy exercise because if he doesn't act very quickly it will already be done.

My friend tried to find her on Facebook. I only have a name and phone number. My friend looked by name and found one possible woman but she has her friends list blocked.

Jkwpurple,

Also try www.linkedin.com, www.veromi.com, etc.

Do a text search in Google "Nancy Cheater" Workplace

Do a search on her email pattern at your WHs workplace for example.... if your WHs email is bob-smith@workplace.com OW might be Nancy-cheater@workplace.com etc.

OW can and will be found.

Please post OW to www.cheaterville.com

God Bless
Gamma

Question for everyone: I know exposing the affair is the right thing to do, but for me, it sort of back fired. My husband and the OW bonded even more and felt it was "them against the world" syndrome. That's often what happens, I was told. So this can be a consequence of exposure. I would still do it, however. I was reluctant to hurt his family and my kids. As a matter of fact, I told Dr. Harley I was afraid my son will go into a major depression and I couldn't afford that. Dr. Harley still insisted I expose it. I felt the same way as jkwpurple. I didn't see the point of exposure and ruining my husband's reputation in the community and the respect of his family, if we could work things out. My husband eventually left me, and I'm sorry I didn't expose earlier.

**edit**

Exposing wide and far will help kill the fantasy. The more people who know the more people to hold him accountable. So yes, it should be exposed even if he does end the affair, however, that is a moot point because he told you today he wasn't ending it.

Keep in mind, exposure is THERAPEUTIC. It is the first step towards recovery.

Exposure is designed to put pressure on the affair. It can possibly have the effect of "bonding" the affair partners together in "It's you and me against the world" moment, but an affair is a fantasy, an illusion. Eventually, the scales fall off as they start love-busting - in most cases.

In any case, Dr. Harley recommends exposure so the light of day can shine on a tragic situation and all friends and family will see it for what it is - a dreadful tragedy for the family.

Exposure is also designed so that the betrayed spouse can have some much-needed support in a very painful time. He likens it to sharing a cancer diagnosis with our friends and family. An affair is just as much a tragedy and deeply painful.

Dr. Harley's plan does not always work in ending the affair, but it's the best plan, of all the ways out there, for the greatest success in blowing up the affair.

A reminder to posters to help the thread starter with Marriage Builders concepts. If you can't do that, then please refrain from posting. Don't disrupt this thread with personal philosophies.

Fyi, almost EVERY recovered marriage on this forum attributes it to exposure. Dr Harley calls it the most important first step towards recovery. You CANNOT afford to delay or skip this step. The longer you wait, the more entrenched the affair becomes.

I was one of those reluctant to expose. I finally did and while it did not immediately end the affair, I do believe it made it rocky. I had the OW texting me how horrible I was for involving my kids and her elderly parents in something they had no business. My WH, was livid that my kids were aware and that I had involved OW's family. I contacted the OWH and we compared notes. That still did not put an end to the affair but it opened up, so he called me back one day and I busted my WH and the OW, while her husband was on the phone. Exposure got the ball rolling. My WH also told me everything yours said. And I am a sahm and have a baby, too... He tried to blame it all on me.

I am really having a hard time finding her online. Hubby rarely posts on Facebook because he's a police officer and his job could be in jeapardy from even a seemingly benign post. She seems to have chosen not to have an online presence at all. The only thing I found was a commendation on their work fb page with her picture. I could probably guess at her work email address, but not sure what to do with that. She is single. Her cell has an out of state area code, so it seems her family is probably out of state but I don't know how to find out.

Use her picture and expose her on Cheaterville

If you can access the phone bill online it should list every text message. It only shows the numbers, whether they were sent or received, and it often says where each number is from. This and my WW's OM's name are how I located his family. I probably sent some FB messages to a few people that didn't know who OM was, but they only cost a dollar to send. I definitely got some of OM's family as well.
I hope you find what you need.

I know I'm really tired but I'm missing something here. How did you find the family with those pieces of information? I have that.

Also, a couple of you have mentioned cheaterville. What is the purpose of putting her on there?

I found MB at a time when exposure was not suggested, not sure exactly why. To this day, I regret not having done a proper exposure far and wide because XH was able to spin a story to everyone that he divorced me because I neglected him. He was also able to convince himself that his adultery was a consequence of my behavior. He even showed up at my mother's funeral as the 'bereaved son in law'. My lovely church going neighbors still give me a wide berth thanks to stories that he spun them about how the divorce was my fault and that I stole the house from him.

Of course he claimed to have dumped the OW as soon as he was discovered but three months later he was back seeing her again. The other part of MB 's adultery protection (extraordinary precautions) is hard to enforce without the support of exposure.

How does plan a/ plan b work when WH already plans to leave? He originally told me he wanted a divorce but agreed to stay 2 months to help with our newborn until she was settled into a manageable routine. There's about a month left on that timeline, and I just discovered he's having an affair.