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Can she send him email that goes like this?

JW wants to accommodate your schedule and wants you to see the kids, but your suggestion of 11-4 will not work because of baby's breast feeding schedule. That spans 2 feedings and would throw both JW and baby off. She can give you the option of 11-2, 9:30-2 or you can choose to not take the baby. It is very hard for her to make last minute changes and she is asking that you accommodate her and the baby's feeding schedule.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by jkwpurple
This morning he has said that he will be able to do 9:30 again soon but for now has a conflict, that he flat refuses to say what it is.

I would not die on that hill.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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If he wants to change in the future, just say NO. Get him to agree to a set time and in the future just say no when he tries to change it. Your IM can just say "JW is sorry but she can't accommodate your change request because it will upset the baby's feeding schedule for the whole day."


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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The thing is, because he is decommissioned right now they can change his work schedule without notice. So, I can't be completely inflexible if he has to work during his scheduled time. However, there is no shift that would allow him to take them at 11 but not 9:30. So idk what he is doing Friday mornings that takes precedence over time with his children.


Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
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D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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Originally Posted by jkwpurple
The thing is, because he is decommissioned right now they can change his work schedule without notice. So, I can't be completely inflexible if he has to work during his scheduled time. However, there is no shift that would allow him to take them at 11 but not 9:30. So idk what he is doing Friday mornings that takes precedence over time with his children.

ok, then give him those options I suggested. And tell him you will be flexible as possible if there is a shift change or an emergency, but for no other reason.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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"JW wants to accommodate your schedule and wants you to see the kids, but your suggestion of 11-4 will not work because of baby's breast feeding schedule. That spans 2 feedings and would throw both JW and baby off. She can give you the option of 11-2, 9:30-2 or you can choose to not take the baby. It is very hard for her to make last minute changes and she is asking that you accommodate her and the baby's feeding schedule.

She will do her best to accommodate changes that are due to shift changes or emergencies, but asks that you respect the hardship that unnecessary changes place on her and the baby. "

THEN, if he asks for a change - REGARDLESS OF THE REASON - that does not work for you, then say no.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Ok, thanks ML. I can do that. I really, really appreciate you and this forum. So thankful to have found you guys when I did.


Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
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Originally Posted by jkwpurple
Ok, thanks ML. I can do that. I really, really appreciate you and this forum. So thankful to have found you guys when I did.

I am glad you did too!! So proud of you for facing this head on!



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by jkwpurple
Ok, thanks ML. I can do that. I really, really appreciate you and this forum. So thankful to have found you guys when I did.

I am glad you did too!! So proud of you for facing this head on!


Well, it took me a little while to get on board, but I'm proud of me, too.


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And also, don't get hung up on the REASONS he wants changes in visitation unless he starts abusing it again. just tell him NO if he proposes a change that doesn't work for you. If he starts doing it over and over again, just have your IM tell him you will only agree to a change if he produces his schedule from his job. Hopefully it won't get to that point again.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Ok. It's hard, but I can do that.


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Originally Posted by jkwpurple
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by jkwpurple
Ok, thanks ML. I can do that. I really, really appreciate you and this forum. So thankful to have found you guys when I did.

I am glad you did too!! So proud of you for facing this head on!


Well, it took me a little while to get on board, but I'm proud of me, too.
But at least you got onboard. You are so much healthier since you fought for your marriage and fought against the affair.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Originally Posted by jkwpurple
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by jkwpurple
Ok, thanks ML. I can do that. I really, really appreciate you and this forum. So thankful to have found you guys when I did.

I am glad you did too!! So proud of you for facing this head on!


Well, it took me a little while to get on board, but I'm proud of me, too.
But at least you got onboard. You are so much healthier since you fought for your marriage and fought against the affair.

Yes, I certainly am. Thank you, BH.


Me BW
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So WH wants me to hand over our file box of important papers. He says he needs copies of some things. I offered to make whatever copies he needs, but he doesn't want that. I figure he needs the kids' info for taxes, and idk what else he might need out of there. I imagine he is compiling info for a lawyer. I went through the box tonight and got the info he'll need for taxes, and the two folders that are his (his personal file w/birth cert, passport, etc.) and his file of work related papers. Still in the box are things like mortgage info/deed for the house, title to the van that I drive, our marriage certificate, our life insurance info, recent utility bills, and my personal file. What would you do?


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Make him copies of things he specifically asks for. Keep the box.

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Originally Posted by jkwpurple
I went through the box tonight and got the info he'll need for taxes, and the two folders that are his (his personal file w/birth cert, passport, etc.) and his file of work related papers.

I would give him these documents but I would make copies of them to keep for yourself in case you need the info. His work related papers...you will want these since they may describe his work benefits or provide other useful info. Having to ask for employer related items from him later would be silly if you already have them in your possession...and costly.

Quote
Still in the box are things like mortgage info/deed for the house, title to the van that I drive, our marriage certificate, our life insurance info, recent utility bills, and my personal file.

He doesn't need any of this...even copies. Don't give him any of these documents especially anything like a car title or related to a marital asset.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Originally Posted by luna_alpha
Make him copies of things he specifically asks for. Keep the box.

That was my initial reaction. Of course he's unwilling to tell me what he wants.


Me BW
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Originally Posted by black_raven
I would give him these documents but I would make copies of them to keep for yourself in case you need the info. His work related papers...you will want these since they may describe his work benefits or provide other useful info. Having to ask for employer related items from him later would be silly if you already have them in your possession...and costly.

I hadn't thought of that. Thanks.

Originally Posted by black_raven
He doesn't need any of this...even copies. Don't give him any of these documents especially anything like a car title or related to a marital asset.

Somehow, I hadn't thought about just not giving him he stuff, but you're right. It's not his.


Me BW
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So, I haven't given WH his files yet. I am taking a class and had 2 assignments due and a quiz this week, so I didn't have time to go through and make copies. (There's quite a bit in there, and with the kiddos always needing me I'm barely getting the school stuff done.) In the meantime, the baby was really fussy Wednesday after she spent the morning with him, and I had my IM ask him of she was fussy all morning, too. I was trying to figure out what was going on with her and how best to take care of her. He didn't respond.

So yesterday, I had her tell him that communication regarding the health and well being of the children is not optional. I also had her ask him a question about income taxes, thinking that he would feel that was important enough to respond to. But nope.

Then I realized last night that the baby's problem is that she's constipated. So I had my IM tell WH that, and ask him to let me know if she has a bm while with him this morning, so I will have accurate information or treatment if necessary. No response. Not even after he brought them home. I had her ask him again. She sent the questions today via text, email, and voicemail. I think he's trying to smoke me out by not communicating with my IM, which is not going to work. I would just ignore the tantrum, but I have to know what's going on with the baby when she's away from me. Advice?



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Let him take responsibility for her when he has her. I would not keep asking the questions at all. He knows he has power when he doesn't respond and likes having that power.

Let me ask you, how important is it really that you know she had a BM? You already know that she was constipated, so you can remedy that with breast milk or a more gentle formula. Unless it's life or death, it's not worth badgering him. Remember that he enjoys torturing you right now.


Me: 38, have been divorced for 4 years
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