Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 4 1 2 3 4
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 35
J
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 35
I'm sure this will turn into a long story quick. so a couple years ago my wife started an EA which I believe turned physical and she denies. I exposed the affair to everyone including OM's wife. in the wake of it all they both stopped communication and things went well for my wife and I. we were able to make it thru until a month ago. I didn't then and still am not sure about the plan A and B and 180 and all the other stuff. so thats where I need help!
now the rest of the story. on 9/17 I needed on her ipad and realized the passcode was changed. (instant red flag). I called her asked y the change. and she got defensive and eventually gave it to me. I looked through everything I could find and ended up finding Facebook searches for the same om as last time. I asked about it and her reasons changed each time(I didn't- don't remember- was curious it's nothing). so we had a heated discussion about it and the next day she says she is unhappy and wants to separate. so the following week I spent doing all the wrong things. begging crying talking logically trying to get her to see something and it didn't work. a few nights before the move she started an argument and said she was goin to the gym and was gone for a few hours . the next few days were ok we got along for the most part. one night I couldn't sleep (still cant) and ended up trying for the ipad again and she changed the passcode again. I figured out a way to view her "notes" where all her login and passwords were for all her accounts and found her cell phone history and ther were "tons" of communication between the two. when confronted she dismissed it all as just being friends. and she just needed to talk to someone about everything that had been goin on. mind you that up until 9/17 I thought things were great. had no reason to suspect a thing. we were even picking out paint colors for the house the day before! so for some reason I kept giving her the benefit of the doubt t thru all this. I wanted so bad to believe that it was all nothing. so moving day came and I helped her move and unpack and get settled. she invited me to stay the night and of course I did. she had me convinced that this was the way to reconnect and make us closer. the very next day we were in the middle of a txt conversation and she just stopped... I was flipping out. calling texting and no reply for a couple hours. when she finally did her whole attitude changed to "we just need space" and "time apart" and all that. she had told me she met him at the bar for a beer and thats all. so off and on for the next week or so it was bouncing back and forth between being nice and showing affection and then back to the needing space. we had a few really good night's in all this which kept me keeping hope alive. so we have 3 kids (2mine on my stepson) she took my stepson to live with her(legally obligated to) and the other 2 with me. well on 10/15 my stepson calls and tells me that "mom's acting shady and left the house and didn't say anything" immediately I knew what was goin on so I hopped in the car to go to the bar that I kno he hangs out at. when I got there I sat in the parking lot for 5.min or so trying to figure out what next.. I finally decided to go in. I walked in and they seen me and just stared with their mouths open. I told her I couldn't believe she's been lying this whole time about not seeing him(she told me she would have no contact while we figure "us" out) and lying to the kids and everybody about y she moved out. told her good luck and walked out. I haven't spoke to her since(only 3 days I kno but eternity to me) unless it was about the kids and just txts usually. and today (10/18)she came to pick up my daughter and take her to hang out and I couldn't help but tell her how much I missed her. I hugged her and kissed her and she kind of made an effort to return the affection. almost like she was making herself not have feelings. I even got her to Crack a couple smiles. I was trying to portray a strong happy guy and keep things positive. for the most part I think it was positive. any way I have no idea what I'm doing everything I do or have done seems like the wrong thing. I feel like since I confronted them I should be doing plan b but really don't want to push her further away. I want nothing more than to work on our marriage. I just don't know what I'm doin and whether to listen to my heart or brain. it's a constant tug of war and has been for a month. I just need guidance. I'm sure I left a bunch out so ask anything! help please!

Last edited by jeffropappy; 10/18/14 01:42 PM.
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956
Likes: 1
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956
Likes: 1
Jeff,I'm sorry you find yourself in this painful situation. Your marriage never recovered from her first affair. If it had recovered properly, she would have written the OM a No Contact letter and made it impossible for any further contact to occur. When the A is with someone in the vicinity, Dr. Harley strongly recommends that the couple move away. Many people claim they can't, but the ones who make the effort find that it's easier to achieve recovery.

MB isn't about 180 at all. Basically, it's Plan A and Plan B. Dr. Harley recommends that a man do a good strong Plan A for about 6 months, or for as long as his health can handle the stress.

An important part of Plan A is exposure. Have you re-exposed the ongoing affair to the OMW? Have you told everyone in your lives about your wife's affair with this man? Have you told this OM to leave your wife alone and that you plan to move heaven and earth to keep her and that you love her?

Plan A is about being a really great husband and father, not punishing your wife, no love busters. Don't cry and plead with her; be pleasant and calm. Always look good and smell nice; maintain your health. If you are having problems with depression or controlling your emotions, see a doctor for ADs. They can help you immensely with a minimum of side effects.

So you have your children and live in the family home? Please work hard to keep it that way. Have you seen a lawyer to find out about your legal rights?

If you truly want to save your marriage, don't back off showing your wife that you care about her. Do a strong and wide exposure. Have you read through the threads at the top of the SAA forum? Please read the threads on Exposure Exposure 101 and on Plan A. What are Plans A & B


Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010

Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
Welcome to MB and sorry for your pain.

Where is your WW living?

Have you told the OM's BW that their affair never ended? Who is this OM? How does she know him?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 35
J
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 35
long way, the OM and his wife got divorced the last time around. but I have exposed it to her mom and her sister and a few of her family members. the kids know as well from just going through it a few years ago. yes my 2 live with me in the family home as long as we can afford to (losing her income will make it difficult). and I have seen a lawyer however the bad new outweighed any good news ther was. I have a doctor's appointment on Friday to discuss stress and everything too. I will be reading those threads soon to help figure this out.
ever since I confronted them in the bar she is very short with me and truthfully I was lucky that I got the response I got today. usually she would have turned my affection into an argument. this is all so confusing! thanks for the help.

Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 35
J
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 35
the OM is a childhood friend of hers. he is actually my brother in laws (sisters husband) nephew. and when my sister got married a few years ago my wife was maid of honor and the OM was the best man. that was how the "friendship" started was planning the wedding. and grew from there.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by jeffropappy
I. almost like she was making herself not have feelings. I even got her to Crack a couple smiles. I was trying to portray a strong happy guy and keep things positive. for the most part I think it was positive. any way I have no idea what I'm doing everything I do or have done seems like the wrong thing. I feel like since I confronted them I should be doing plan b but really don't want to push her further away. I want nothing more than to work on our marriage. I just don't know what I'm doin and whether to listen to my heart or brain. it's a constant tug of war and has been for a month. I just need guidance. I'm sure I left a bunch out so ask anything! help please!

Hi Jeff, welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. Your best bet is to mount a strategic and widespread exposure, especially to the OM's family and friends. Please go read my exposure thread and follow the instructions there.

And you should be in PLAN A. Not Plan B or the "180," which is one of the most ineffective plans I have ever seen. The "180" was created by a wayward and while it benefits the AFFAIR, it does not benefit your marriage. Our goal is to save your marriage, NOT to facilitate an affair.

Exposure is your absolute greatest weapon. Please use it to your advantage.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956
Likes: 1
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by jeffropappy
long way, the OM and his wife got divorced the last time around. but I have exposed it to her mom and her sister and a few of her family members. the kids know as well from just going through it a few years ago.


Make sure you expose to all your family, friends, and clergy about your wife's ongoing affair. Ask for help in ending the affair. You will learn everything you need to know about exposure when you read the thread. Do you children know NOW that their mother is involved with this OM again?

Also, can you locate contact info for the OM? You should expose to his family and friends as well.

Originally Posted by jeffropappy
yes my 2 live with me in the family home as long as we can afford to (losing her income will make it difficult). and I have seen a lawyer however the bad new outweighed any good news ther was. I have a doctor's appointment on Friday to discuss stress and everything too. I will be reading those threads soon to help figure this out.

What do you mean about more bad news than good? Can you fight for physical custody of your children? Several fathers who post here have won custody of their children.

Can you cut expenses enough to make your income cover all the important things?

Originally Posted by jeffropappy
ever since I confronted them in the bar she is very short with me and truthfully I was lucky that I got the response I got today. usually she would have turned my affection into an argument. this is all so confusing! thanks for the help.

Don't argue with your wife. Always stay calm and pleasant. It's like trying to argue with an addict - pointless. Your wife is an addict and you need to stay out of arguments with her. Plan A is showing your wayward wife that you care for her and about her.


Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010

Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 35
J
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 35
I just read the exposure post and will be contacting as many people as I can tonight. yes the kids know about the affair. and they know that I want nothing more than to be a family again. the problem wasn't with custody as she's already "abandoned" the house and kids. the problem was financial. she had agreed to pay me biweekly payments and as of now has not. if I file for divorce the child support would be less than the agreed upon amount. and I don't want a divorce. the bills are the biggest thing. she stopped helping with them when she said she was moving out so they all got behind. I am trying to juggle those to get them caught up and squared away (possibly even moving in my nephew in the basement to help with bills). so I have had the most stress and emotions pass through my body in the past month than I've ever had combined!

Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 35
J
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 35
and I have already had a talk with her about her OM. that she needs to cut him out of her life period. and she said that I can't tell her who her friends can and can't be.

Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 35
J
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 35
and besides the exposure to everyone I think I have done most if not all plan A to no avail. she is too deep in "fog" maybe?

Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 35
J
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 35
and ever since I confronted them at the bar she is very short in all communication. she shuts me out before I can get in.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by jeffropappy
and besides the exposure to everyone I think I have done most if not all plan A to no avail. she is too deep in "fog" maybe?

This is why it is so important to do a very comprehensive exposure. She will remain in the fog until the affair dies off. Your job is to strategically and quietly kill it.

I would find the OM's Facebook page and expose to as many of his contacts as you can. I would also expose on cheater sites like cheaterville and badboyreport. Doing things like that will cause him to rethink his affair. OM are cowards and punks and they don't like conflict.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 35
J
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 35
and it seems like we've spent this whole month with her going in and out of the fog. and like I said it's hard to show her how much I care and am willing to make things better when she won't let me come over or is very short on communication.

Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 35
J
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 35
I just messaged his two sisters on facebook

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by jeffropappy
and it seems like we've spent this whole month with her going in and out of the fog. and like I said it's hard to show her how much I care and am willing to make things better when she won't let me come over or is very short on communication.

You have already told her you care. That is not the problem. The problem is that she doesn't care.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by jeffropappy
I just messaged his two sisters on facebook

Good job! Keep going...


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 35
J
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 35
I'm trying to find more of his family to contact. I've contacted alot of her family as well. I've told her mom and sister. but they seem to not know how or want to help. my wife is very hard to talk to because as soon as the conversation starts to get hard she shuts down completely. she will usually turn it into an argument or just leave the situation. she will avoid everyone before she has to hear what they have to say. she's blocked everyone out of what's going on besides OM. it seems.

Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 35
J
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 35
and how do I deal with her telling me to leave her alone and give her her space and all that? it's all so confusing.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by jeffropappy
and how do I deal with her telling me to leave her alone and give her her space and all that? it's all so confusing.

WEll, you can't force yourself on her, but you CAN work on killing the affair and be there as it falls apart.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448

Originally Posted by jeffropappy
and how do I deal with her telling me to leave her alone and give her her space and all that? it's all so confusing.

Expect that this is how she will act until you have killed the affair dead.

Focus on exposing the affair. Two sisters is not enough. Keep going. In order to be effective you want exposure to be to everyone all at once. This is not a time for half measures!


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
Page 1 of 4 1 2 3 4

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,352 guests, and 57 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5