Hi all,

I was an MB member back in '04-'06 under one of the dazed&confused pseudo names but had closed my account since and as of lately was unsuccessful in recovering it to see my old posts.

Anyways the reason I'm back is that D-day1 was in '04 and due to my gut telling me that something was not right, D-day2 was in '06 with more information that I should have been given 2 years prior. Her mentality basically was that it was up to her to decide what information I should know or not know.

I received counseling from an excellent pastor who has since moved to the southern states (I live in Canada) and so I feel at the moment I have no one to talk to about this. If it wasn't for him and MB, I highly doubt I'd be married now. I think MB should be a prerequisite for all people wanting to get married, if not for needing actual marriage advice then at least to learn signs to look for and how to affair proof your marriage before it starts. Anyways, the pastor helped me through the biggest obstacle in my life but due to it being 10yrs since her indiscretions and seeing the POSL around town on a few occasions recently, it has been more difficult on me again these last few months.

Sometimes I wonder if I received all the information I should have received or if anything else has happened since then because she attended college in '08 and some similar traits acted up again that she had in the first place when she started seeing POSL but at the time she said nothing was happening.

The last time we talked about it she told me that as soon as she figures out why she did what she did, that she would tell me but that topic has never come up again.

Sometimes I feel the need to talk about it but at the same time I'm afraid of possibly opening a Pandora's box.

These last few days it's really been on my mind because last weekend we watched Heartland and one of the main characters kissed another guy even though she was already engaged. A few days later our daughter says during dinner that she hates Amy now because she's engaged to Ty but she kissed the prince. I saw a reaction from my wife after hearing that so something went through her mind but have not talked to her about it or asked what went through her mind. Just and FYI, our daughter does not know about her mom's indiscretions because FWW was with POSL the night before our daughter's 1st b-day.

I figured out a long time ago why she did what she did but was hoping to hear it from her which I don't think I'll ever hear if I don't bring it up but at the same time, I'm not a talker especially if it involves difficult life situations.

Any thoughts or suggestions? Is it ok to bring it up again or should I just try to move on?

Welcome back. I haven't been here since 06 but I think a lot has changed on the forums since then.

The first step to recover from any affair is to have no contact with the AP. It sounds like there has been continued contact throughout the years. Even seeing an AP around town every now and then can keep your marriage from ever recovering. Dr Harley would advise you to move away from the area that the AP lives, to eliminate contact.

What EP's did you put in place after the affair? What things have you done to build a better marriage?

Did you ever consider having your W do a polygraph to verify the information she told you? Many posters on the forums who questioned the information they received, have done just that and it has been a successful way to get the truth on the table and move forward with recovery.

Once all questions about the affair are answered (and confirmed with a poly if necessary), you should not ever talk about the affair again. The problem with your situation is that there is continued contact after all these years, and not all of your questions were answered, so you are not able to work toward recovery.

I would not talk about the affair other than it being a reason you should move. You don't need to talk to your wife about her reaction to DD's comment. That DD said she "hates" the character for kissing another man was a slap in the face to your W. Her reaction says it all. I wouldn't open up that can of worms.

MovingOn,

Did you get a polygraph for your WW back then, perhaps you want to consider one now. Your instinct back in 08 may have been correct. During 08 did your WW grow cold towards you or display any of the other classic signs of an affair?

Is your daughter hostile towards infidelity because of what she saw between OM and your WW? I know my W still remembers see her Father cheating when she was 5 and his subsequent attempt to bribe her.

God Bless
Gamma

That is the real problem. You are being triggered.

You do not need to know why she did it. You don't even need ALL the fine details. You need to know what conditions made the affair possible, and you need to change those conditions so that it never happens again.

Do you know who she had the affair with? Do you know where? Do you know all about the secret second life that made it possible? If so, that's all you need to know. Are extraordinary precautions in place so that it can never happen again? If so, drop it.

Since you haven't moved, you are being triggered by seeing OM around. Seriously consider moving so that your marriage can fully recover.

Thanks for the quick replies.

unwritten - to my knowledge there has been no contact between her and pathetic excuse of a man, it was me that saw POSL a few times.

A few years ago I sent a letter to his wife explaining things but I do not know if she received it or read it. Shortly before that, I had found his mug on FB and sent him a message venting my anger at the loser and instead of being a man and apologizing, he deleted his account.

I know it's not the christian thing to do but a part of me wants to get revenge on this loser or at the very least prevent him from wrecking other marriages besides his own.

The reason I've seen him was that he frequented a coffee shop close to our house and that was one of my routes home..but we moved at the beginning of this month so hopefully I won't see him.

black raven - In my opinion she did it because of her post pardum as well as unresolved issues she had before we married as well as big time trust issues...her dad was a WS, she has uncles who are/were WS's and before me she had a boyfriend who cheated on her and yes, there was thick fog but sometimes I just feel like I need to hear it from her as to why she did what she did, to me that would be a form of closure.

Would we be successful in moving in with our marriage if there was more detail that I do not know or if it had happened again afterwards ?

She did it because she had poor boundaries around men. Period. That's all.

Have you made another affair impossible with extraordinary precautions? Do you have access to every detail of her life? Her phone, her computer, her work, etc. Do you know where she is and when? Does she still have male friends? Is she on Facebook?

Was her affair exposed? To who?

What did she do in 2008 that made you suspect an affair? Why didn't you snoop then? If you suspect a new affair, then this is something new to talk about and doesn't fall under the rule to not discuss the past.

How far did you move?

It sounds like you followed very few of the pieces of recovery that we now advise here.

Every BS needs a different level of information from their WS. For me, I needed every detail, and if my WS had ever decided I knew enough and hid details from me, we would not have been able to enter recovery. If you need a greater level of detail than your W was willing to give to move forward, I would be inclined to tell you to give her a list of your questions, and then have her take a poly to confirm her answers. Then you can put this to bed.

But I would be interested in Dr Harley's advice on this, whether he would advise the same or would tell you to focus on the present and future and never speak of the affair again. For me, that feeling of not knowing all the details (especially if there was a rekindled affair in 08 while you were in 'recovery') would prevent any recovery. You can email Dr Harley with questions.

However, NC with the OM is so important, all of that will be to no avail if you continue to run into him here and there. You really need to move. Have you considered moving?

mo24, I am very pro full disclosure/details but I see more harm in talking about the affair given the length of time that has passed. If you again ask W about OM from 2008 and she says nothing happened what are you going to do? Snoop for info back from 2006-08? I suppose you could request a poly but know that you are opening up Pandora's box. Would you divorce her if you she admitted to anything? What is it worth to you to re-open that door?

You said you recently moved...good. Is your wife practicing EPs or not? Do you and W have sufficient UA time?

How many hours do you and your wife spend together, alone doing things you enjoy (called Undivided Attention UA time)?
Dr. Harley recommends 15+ hours weekly.
Are you doing this?
If so, how long have you been doing this?

How far did you move?

Daughters response to show indicates she may of seen OM with WW.

Unanswered questions will haunt you forever. There is no time limit to one's desire to know the whole truth. I have been needing answers for 33 years. Not knowing has prevented me from leaving this in the past.

We moved to a close-by town...I know not far but lesser chance of seeing POSL.

Daughter does not know anything about WW's actions as she was only a year old and we have never told her and probably never will. It could simply be just irony that she mentioned it. Although she has some classmates whose parents have separated and she has in the past expressed her fear of her parents divorcing.

I simply needed advice from others who had waited a long time to bring up this subject in their marriage and what the result was in their case. Was it something you regretted due to how the WS reacted or could you have closure because you could talk it through due to them not being in the fog?

TheRoad - that is my fear exactly, waiting too long to talk this through and not being able to put this to rest until I get old, I just wasn't sure if it would be a good idea or not...too bad foresight isn't 20/20.

Could you answer the questions we have asked?

Dr. Harley would encourage you to move far, far away.