So 2 weeks ago I found out that my husband not only has been having an affair for the last 7 months and that this is also his 3rd affair since we have been married, this mistress of his is pregnant. The thing is it is either my husbands child or another man's child. My husband is acting like it is his. His mistress is also a co worker. Therefore they see each other every day. I have removed him from our home. We have 3 children together. He is claiming he wants to restore our marriage, but won't stop talking with his mistress about baby plans. I have told him that if she decides to keep the baby & it is his that there is no way I will remain married to him because I will not live in a marriage with another woman. She is still trying to decide if she gives up the baby. If she does then my husband can gain full custody and we could raise it as our own. I am so lost and I am trying to live out my Christian beliefs, but this just has me torn apart in so much pain.

Sorry for your pain, jamin.

Would you really want to raise OW's child...assuming that is even an option? Given that your WH is a serial cheater, I don't think staying married to him is a wise choice much less to possibly raise an OC. OW isn't going to give up that baby...assuming it is his. If you are thinking that will happen, get that out of your head.

Welcome to MB

Have you exposed the affair and the (supposed) pregnancy? How far along is OW claiming to be?

How old are your children?

Jamin,

Welcome to MB and so sorry for the conditions that led you here.

Have you read this thread on the Pregnancy/Child section of the SAA forum?

Jamin,

It sounds like this OW has a boyfriend, he needs to be told that his girlfriend is cheating on him, and that the baby might not be his. Then expose your WH widely and completely.

You can also go back to the the other two OW and expose them as well.

God Bless
Gamma

I read the pregnancy section on the main MB webpage, but it really only discussed if the wife got pregnant. Well I am the wife & it is my husband that got his mistress pregnant so it doesn't really apply much because his mistress holds the key to what happens to the baby or not.

I am confused by your statement because Christian beliefs do not include staying with a spouse who is committing adultery. Jesus specifically knew a spouse could not endure that so he gave permission to divorce if your spouse commits adultery.

Why do you feel that living out your Christian beliefs does not include separation and/or divorce for adultery?

Oh, yes the affair has been exposed. I have confronted my husband and the mistress, (sorry I am still trying to figure out all the codes OW, OC, WH) My husband is seeking help through our church and working with a pastor and going to our R3 program at church which is for addicts. Again he is not living in our home and I have filed for divorce.

I also know that God uses all things for good. And yes I have filed for divorce and know that God gives us permission to divorce in a situation like this. If it were just me then it would be an easy decision, but we have 3 kids, 5, 3 & 1 years old. More so I am struggling with forgiveness, and I know that now most likely is NOT the time to be able to forgive anyone because there is too much hurt.

The baby is due in February, supposedly the OW was forced to have intercourse while in vacation in the Bahamas which was all with in the same week that my husband was also with her so that is why we do not know who the father is.

Jamin, when I had kids that age, I hung on for dear life to a bad marriage for the sake of the kids.

In the end, my grip became weak and I started to break down physically. I put myself through another 15 years of misery (even passing up an adultery get-out-of-jail card once) because I thought it was best for the kids.

Now, after 25 years of a really bad marriage, I can't understand why I didn't do it sooner. The kids do have to work through some initial challenges at the time of the divorce, but otherwise they have to see many things in their home that set their perspective on how relationships should go, inviting years of dysfunction and grief into their own futures.

You are doing the right thing for your Christian walk, and you are doing the right thing for your kids.

Stay strong.

Remember, "Blessed are the meek" does not say "Blessed are the WEAK who are doormats". It specifically means blessed are they who strategically forgo some of their rights (based on a plan) for the ultimate good of God's kingdom.

For example, the 4 weeks of Plan A that is frequently recommended here for women shows meekness, which is only for a season, and then when the time for meekness is over, if the other party did not receive the graciousness extended to them, then it is time to regain your rights and assert strength in Plan B and/or divorce.

Amen Sunnytimes. Amen.

Thanks, Piglet.

Just double cking...exposure has been done to your family, WH's family and OW's family?




I am not even going to ask what idiotic story OW is spinning here. Sorry I can't be supportive of Recovery in your situation. I do think you and your children are better off away from WH. Recovery is EXTREMELY HARD with one affair and one AP. Serial cheating and an OC...I just don't see him not dragging you through the gutter with him. Perhaps one day, he will prove he is a repentant and changed man but that is a years and years away.

I would proceed with the divorce and get as much support for you and your children as possible.

Sunnytimes, that is exactly what I am afraid of, I do not want to be 5, 10, 15 years down the road wondering why I didn't divorce when I had the chance.

My H says that he finally wants to be the man God wants him to be and to follow through on the vow he made with God to honor and love his wife, but I simply do not know if I can ever trust him, let alone have the OW in my life forever if this is his child. I know that if this OC is my H's child then the OW is not going to relinquish the child to him because I truly believe she wants to have her hooks in him.

It just sucks all around.

jamin, there are many posts and threads on the Pregnancy forum about this issue. Dr Harley recommends that your H never have any contact with the OW again if you reconcile with him. Ideally, he should have nothing to do with the baby. If I were you, I would get out now, though, becasue you can be assured that this will happen again with his history.

Dr Harley counsels a WH and a BW about an OC situation on this radio show. It was an awesome show! He walks them through how it should be handled. The husband is refusing to not see his OC and Dr Harley tells him why he needs to never have contact with the child or the OW. It is the 3-13-12 show and you can listen to it by clicking here:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3684
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3685
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3686

This should be the deal breaker if he insists on keeping the child in his life. That will make your life a living nightmare and will wreck your family. The OC can't be placed above your children adn your marriage. Please listen to the radio clips I just posted.

The conditions it will take to recover are massive in your situation. Nothing short of this will suffice:

1. quit his job and move away so he NEVER sees the OW again

2. make his life SO TRANSPARENT that it would be impossible to cheat again, ie: be together 24/7, never spend the night apart

3. give you access to everything, phone, email, etc. Stay off any social media

4. go through a program of marital recovery

5. give up any rights to the OC and agree to never see him/her

That is the ONLY WAY your marriage will ever recover. Anything less is just kicking the can down the road.

This is such a hard one, sometimes. It's easy to say, but hard to learn.

God will give you strength, as He has for all of his people through the years.

The story of Job can be an inspiration during times like this. Even so, I always wondered... from Job's perspective, he must wonder why?

Once you travel your valley, then you realize why. There is something in a valley for you to learn which strengthens your faith to rest in Him. Resting in Him is the most wonderful condition imaginable. Very freeing.

This is the beauty of the MB plan. Proceed with this boundary and let him show his true colors over time. You can always be remarried later.

Right now you can compare him to someone who is 100 pounds overweight. How many times have they said ok, NOW I am determined to lose 100 pounds. This is my low point! I.AM.GOING.TO.LOSE.THE.WEIGHT!!!!!!!

But then, they quickly lose their willpower and don't.

Your husband is in the same boat. He has been a serial cheater. He needs to learn a different mindset.

DO NOT for one minute believe him until he has had some time to demonstrate the stability of his new self. Do not put yourself through the horrible emotional toll of trusting in an implausible, unproven "new" him.

Let him prove it. But get your divorce now to protect yourself and your children in case (when) he falls off the wagon again.

My parents know, I believe that the OW's father knows because she is already a single mother living with her parents, her mother does not know at this point that my H could be the father and that her daughter was having an A with my H.

Thanks Sunnytimes. You have words of wisdom. I just got done listening to the radio broadcast and it is eye opening. Because until I listened to it I had no problem with keeping the baby as ours as long as the OW was not in the picture, but I see how that most likely would not work.

Welcome, jamin.

One the one hand, you probably desire that no child be raised outside of the gospel - which apparently does not seem to be a concern of the OW. But on the other hand, that is your husband's responsibility, not yours. By you taking this on, you will be destroying the children's mother that God provided them - you.

Your husband destroyed what he destroyed. Let him deal with that. Keep yourself and your boundaries strong for your children.

Melody listed (above) a list of things for your husband to prove out to you if he is serious. Step number 1 has to be to remove the OC from your life and for him to figure out how he will deal with his responsibility to the OC vs his responsibility to you. He must deal with his OC responsibility in a way that the OC is out of your life and his life forever. He can't go back and forth or it will always be a trigger to hurt you.

This sounds cold, but it is not your mess - and you can't take it on or it will destroy you. God needs you to focus on the children He gave you and keep them safe by keeping their mother strong.

Thank you

Welcome.

(((((jamin))))

jamin, your husbands first responsibility is to your children, the children of your marriage. And keeping this OC and the OW hanging around wll destroy you all.

Also, one thing to remember is when the baby is born there may be a paternity test to prove if your H is the father or not.

One of the OW to an WH of a BW who was a poster in these forums did a mail-in paternity test, and mailed in some DNA material she had kept of the WH. For years this couple was involved in much drama manufactured by the OW. Many years later they found out that the WH was actually NOT the father, so all of those years of drama could have been avoided.

Make sure that if there is a paternity test that there is a supervised, legitimate chain of custody for the DNA materials. Don't accept any supposed results from a mail-in kit.

I don't know what Dr. Harley recommends for this, but if it were me I wouldn't accept anything less than a reputable laboratory where perhaps your father or your attorney - someone you could trust completely - could witness the submission of the child's DNA material.

jamin,

I think your husband is playing games.
Did he quit his job?
Did he agree to follow the list Melodylane posted?

Would you really be able to cope rearing his mistress's child? That is one major ask of someone. Poor you.... I really feel for you.

Hi jamin,

I am very sorry that you're where you are.

I recently found out that I was in the same situation.

This OC is already about 3 years old now (I don't know much details except for his name) and my husband kept this information away from me and our daughter for all this time.

The reason why we (our daughter and I) didn't know is that we (my husband and I)have been separated (have been working to "get to" a recovery phase) and this OW and OC live in a foreign country.

The reason why it was finally disclosed to us is that he needed to go over there to "officially end it" with the OW - I am just so embarrased to say this but he went over to her country and actually legally married her several years ago without my knowledge - he left last week and will come back next Friday.

Before his trip he "hinted" that there "may be" a child involved which of course blew my mind but still was far from being 100% truthfully transparent and I found out, after he had left on his trip, that this OC DOES exist by seeing a picture (on FB) of the OC holding a box of toy that was obviously sent to him from my husband's 3 sisters (my SILs). The oldest SIL commented on the pic saying "Love you, XXXXX, look at the back of the box".

All the SIL live in a different state and I haven't spoken with them since my daughter and I moved out of our marital home.

So my daughter and I were the only ones that didn't know.

I told him on the phone that it would be either me and DD or the OC. One or the other. If he wants to be involved in the OC's life in any other way other than financially, we are done. If he doesn't come back with those "official papers" in his hands to show us, we are done, too.

Our daughter is so done with him. She is 17. She hasn't returned his calls or replied to his texts and HE is upset. Yeah, what did you expect? Did you honestly think you would hear her say, wow, I have a brother? Yay! ????? Pleeeeease..

I will definitely divorce him if he wants to stay involved with the OC. Even if he agrees to NC, I have zero confidence in our recovery. Lies, secrets.. I should have known better and left him a LOT sooner so I definitely brought this to myself. I feel so stupid, I just want forgiveness from my daughter. I will just focus on protecting her.

I apologize for taking up space on your thread jamin, but I could relate to you. Best of luck to you jamin.

Taka, thank you for posting your story. Have you read goosegoose's thread? It sounds very much like the OW in your situation: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2826761#Post2826761

Welcome, my heart goes out to you. (((((Jamin)))))

The thing most needed here is exposure. It doesn't sound like you have done exposure to me. When asked you said that you had confronted the waywards but they are not exposure targets!

You also said you 'think people know' but that isn't exposure either. It is a coordinated and devastating strike upon the affair in which you ask your supporters to stand behind you, warn other people they are being lied to, let everyone know you're on it - and get the best healing support possible.

Can you read the exposure thread in Melody Lanes signature and tell us what your exposure plan will be please?

Your other two priorities are getting a bite of food in you and a wink of sleep. Bet that's not been happening but you need to care for yourself soldier, you have a battle to win.

Hugs.

Thank you so much, Melody, for your comment and a link to GG's story.

Wow the stories are so similar. Taka, do you think that is the OW?

Thank you, BH, no, that's not the OW in my sitch. She lives in one of the SE Asian countries.

Aww gotcha. So sorry for your pain?

Will you be going into Plan B?

Thank you for your kind words, BH. Yes, I will be going into Plan B.