No, but his willingness is a requirement.

The first requirement is that the affair is killed and your H moves away from the OW. If your H continues to work there, the affair will continue.

I believe your ultimatum was simple. He gives notice to his job, gets a transfer immediately (or take a leave of absence until transfer comes through) OR You will have them both exposed to superiors. Were these ultimatums given? Which one is he picking?

As someone who has JUST gone trough this. Please expose. It is the only way.

Your willingness is the requirement. He has to demonstrate remorse to you.

Do you think enabling his affair and keeping his secret at work will make him willing?

He is leaving you for the OW in 3 weeks. They will move in together. Do you think he will be willing when that happens? I assure you he will be less willing.

This fear is based on NON FACTUAL information. It is based on *fears* such as, he 'might' get fired, he 'might' face charges, and he will 'never forgive me' (you don't know that).

If he is fired then it is because of his AFFAIR and not because of your exposure. I know we have said that to you a million times but you need to keep telling yourself this. He and his skank CHOSE to have this affair, they chose to put their jobs and careers on the line to cat around. HE chose that, not you. He and his skank chose that while you were at home taking care of his babies. They were not concerned about their jobs or careers, they were most obviously not concerned about you or your children. Yet HE is never going to forgive YOU. Tell me the logic here because I am not seeing it.

If he never forgives you when this whole scenario just screams of injustice, you won't even care because you will be in Plan B away from this abuse anyway.

Also, you gave him a second option, which he has CHOSEN not to take you up on.

He is making this choice. You are simply fighting for your marriage and family.

This is already happening. By choosing not to expose his workplace affair, you are enabling him to continue it and remain in the fog. You have already seen that people in an affair fog do not think rationally. They are willing to give up their entire lives, jobs, careers, marriage and family, for the affair addiction. He has already done that. He is already leaving you to continue his affair. This course of action IS factual and IS reality because it is already happening.

unwritten is correct. You are ignoring the REAL and PRESENT risks in favor of a hypothetical.

Your husband is leaving in 3 weeks to take up residence with his girlfriend. That is a real and present danger.

Nobody wants to tell you off. Or be done with you. I can speak for myself to say that I would like to see a little anger in you, not to be vengeful but for you to decide to fight for this. You are letting this POSOW take your husband, tear apart your family, without a fight! You are not doing everything possible to end this, and we all know that you will be back here in a few months from now, divorce papers in hand, WH moved on with his OW starting a new life, wishing you had done everything you could instead let fear lead the way to your destruction.

He is not going to just come to his senses here, if that is what you are waiting for. It is not going to happen. He is going to move out, and continue his A with OW and you will be reading a book on the bed to your son alone. And maybe that will happen anyway. Maybe exposing to his workplace will still not end his A, or he will still not want to recover your marriage. But what we know for FACT is that the road you are on right now IS ABSOLUTELY not ending his A, and IS going to lead to divorce.

Do you want a chance to get off the road you are already on? Do you want to do EVERYTHING YOU CAN to end this affair and recover your marriage?

Or do you want to be afraid?

Expose at work, he will either get over it or not but the affair must end. You don't want that woman to be your kids' step mother, do you? I KNOW it is scary to be a SAHM and depend completely on your spouse, and exposing the affair at work can bring negative financial consequences but you are giving him a chance to make a graceful exit, so he can find a job elsewhere. If he chooses not to exit gracefully, it is on him, and realize that you and your kids will be going without that paycheck, anyway. He will pay household expenses for you, maybe a few months, then he will get fed up and you and the kids will be in a worse position. Right now, you can give him the option of transferring/quitting so he can exit gracefully or staying and you expose risking his career but chances are, when he realizes his pocket will be hit hard (unemployed, charges, dishonorable discharge), he will see the affair is costing him too much.

Will your family help you financially to get on your feet? I know mine was willing to help in every way, had I had to go into a dark plan B. I was also "enabling" the affair by not giving my WH an ultimatum and allowing him to sleep in our house, so he wouldn't be homeless, worried about how I was going to do without an income, while my family (in another country) worked on getting me and the kids down there. And let me tell you, those were some of the most intense and hard weeks for me. The day I got fed up with his constant belittling and pokes to cause an argument/fight. I showed him the door, I told him he could not take the ONLY car we have at the moment because, well, sadly for him it is in my name, so it is mine. He left and stayed at his boss' shop, in the work van for 5/6 days. Now, his affair had truly ended but it gave him a reality check, it was hard but I did not contact him at all. He called his sister and asked she talked to me to ask what he needed to do so he could come back.

If he chooses his career, and to support his family, he will leave the one he has trashed with an affair.

Leave before he is pushed because they will find out.

However if he chooses the affair then you have to accept his days of supporting you are over. Because his money goes to her and he will get fired.

As to his never forgiving YOU for trying to stop this, I can't respond sensibly to such nonsense.

Did you see this?

Enabling a wayward does not make them feel kindness towards you. Being nice does not work when trying to save your M. It will only BACKFIRE on you.

All it does is create a monster. I cannot stress to you enough how entitled and brazen your H will become after moving out and shacking up with the OW.

You do not see the big picture here. You are not envisioning a future that includes your children going to stay with your WH and his OW and him not caring one bit how you feel about it. You are not seeing the court battles and legal fees that are the NORM when dealing with an entitled wayward.

In fact, waywards often use the children to normalize the affair. Expect to see the OW loud and proud, posting public pictures of your children on FB, sending you emails lecturing you about how you should be parenting and showing at school events. I give it less than a year.

It is 2 yrs post D and these are real issues for me and MANY other BSs.

You don't see the big picture here because you don't understand the wayward mind.

Exposing is win-win.
~Best chance for killing this A which is your only hope if you want to save your M.

~Even if OW and or WH are not fired or separated by the workplace, this will cause all kinds of conflict in their affair. There is a very high chance the OW will leave the workplace voluntarily. It will be very hard for her to show her face there after being exposed as a homewrecker.

~Even in the case of divorce:
It speeds up the end of the current A (which is what you want - you do not want this OW to become stepmother to your children and have to see her at their future graduations, weddings, etc).

It holds your WH accountable for what he has done (for the SECOND time now) and helps him defog which only benefits you and your children in the long run. Even in the case of divorce. The last thing you want is for your WH's waywardism to rub off on your children (selfishness and dishonesty).

This is the part where we point out to you that about a week ago you posted that you knew with "100% certainty" that there was no affair - without even checking your WH's phone ?!

With all due respect, set aside your own ideas about how to survive an affair. You don't know what you are doing.

If he really truly is the type of man who would have an affair then hold a grudge against the innocent party, the wife he betrayed, then just make up your mind to support yourself and have no contract divorce.

Such a stance would be quite evil.

I understand what you all are saying. I have to live with myself, whether I do what you are suggesting or not. I would no be innocent anymore if I go to his boss with this. I will have played dirty. Again.

I didn't sleep at all last night for thinking about this. Deep down I know you are right, but I still want to believe there's another way. And if there isn't, I can't stomach being the kind of person who gets a man fired.

You are not hearing us purple. YOU are not getting him fired. HE is getting himself fired.

You are not 'playing dirty' to fight for your marriage and family.

How is fighting for your marriage, rather than being a doormat, going to cause you to not be innocent, to not be able to live with yourself, to be that kind of person. That is insulting to every person on here who has taken a stand against adultery.

As for me I see that as STRENGTH, a moral leader for your children.