I originally joined Marriage Builders in 2000 during separation #1 from WH. I have a binder of the posts I posted back then and WH has not changed in the last 14+ years. How discouraging...

Anyway...in the 14 years since I originally joined this forum the following has happened:

*Four physical separations
*Six physical affairs that I know of...the first of which happened the day before our daughter was born in 2001--I found out about all of them at once
*I have no idea how many emotional affairs...so many and ongoing now
*In false recovery from his Sexual Addiction for about a year and a half before he sabotaged and quit the recovery all together

I uncovered the latest emotional affair (possibly physical just no real proof) in August. After about a month of going back and forth on separating...he finally moved out 9/24 after refusing the "polygraph or divorce" ultimatum I have him.

He says all the typical/predictable things...he's not sure he's in love with me....I didn't meet his needs...blah...blah...blah. He goes back and forth between this and feeling remorse for his actions.

He is back into SA counseling & an SA group. He is not being honest with his counselor OR his group because I can tell he is still using his KIK app which means he is still trolling. He used this app to previously contact the OW. I'm 99.9% sure it is over with this OW though.

I have went into my typical go to trauma response mode---fawn. I have been doing plan A behaviors even though he doesn't deserve it in my mind. He has even said I am perfect. I did deviate from plan A when it came to my attention that is was still using the KIK app and was confiding about us to one of his female 16 year old students. At that point I filed for divorce.

The ODD thing is that since I filed on 10/10 we had exactly one bad day after that and then just went back to the current normal...me doing plan A and him eating it up.

Our counselors want us to abstain from sex but the longest we have made it was a week. He tried something every time we are alone.

He tries to be around me a lot...this is very confusing. In one breathe he will say he doesn't think of me every minute we aren't together but his actions try to be together a lot.

In addition to the addiction to pursuing women (not as much sex with them but the initial attention/new conquest) he is addicted to fantasy football, ESPN streak for cash, Madden video game & his phone in general. He has a BIG TIME addictive personality. He would not EVER give up these hobbies even though they will never be able to include me and are HUGE time sucks.

So.....that brings me to the question....WHAT THE HECK DO I DO NOW?

He currently gets to live the single life with few responsibilities but also has me fawning over him. He is trying desperately to keep the separation on the DL from almost everybody we know. He keeps saying his goal is to work on himself enough so he can be the husband he needs to be but then puts no effort into working on the marriage.

Plan A seems to work with him....he likes the attention. He appreciates the no LB's.

I read the book Gary Chapman wrote about Tough Love and am now thoroughly confused on what to do. The divorce is filed but he hasn't been served yet. My lawyer is waiting for my go ahead.

I'm just stuck....

If I had a magic wand and could get what I want:

*He would realize he has been blame shifting and would get his crap together and be a good husband
*He would have proper hedges in our marriage and would not seek attention from other women
*He would realize these hobbies are not "self care" as he labels them but are toxic and would find some hobbies we could enjoy together
*He would do what he needs to do for amends to get the marriage back on track including a polygraph (which he REFUSED which is the reason why we separated)

Advice? I just wonder if he is even capable of being in a marriage. I'm 41 and feel maybe I should just cut my losses...finalize the divorce and move on.

One final thing...we work together as teachers at the same school and our rooms are RIGHT NEXT DOOR to each other. We are in the same department so a true Plan B can't happen.

HHHHEEEELLLLLPPPPP!!!!!!

What you should do is go into a pitch dark Plan B. You will have to resolve the job situation by finding another job, taking a leave of absence, get a transfer, do something. I would expose his affairs wide and far. Tell everyone, especially your children using the techniques in my exposure thread.

I would also file for divorce since there is nothing here to save. Your future with him will be impossible.

The job situation may clear itself up very soon but nothing in education happens right away.

He should be served immediately. Perhaps you can visit your personnel department and let them know you need their help in getting transferred someplace else. They might be able to help you. Another consideration is to take a leave of absence. Yoru husband is horribly abusive and he will wreck your emotional and physical health if he hasn't already.

However, you are a big part of the problem because you have essentially volunteered to be abused for years. You have been on the forum longer than me and have not improved at all.

If he isn't currently in the affair...do I still do exposure?

Absolutely! Expose all of his affairs, with full names, dates, etc. Everyone should know. If they are married, contact their husbands.

I would stop Plan A today. All you are doing is enabling him. Plan A is NOT APPROPRIATE in your situation because it is harmful to you. Plan A is supposed to last THREE WEEKS in the first affair. You have been doing this for YEARS over multiple affairs. Marriage Builders NEVER intended Plan A to misused as a way to enable abusers.

I don't have proof of the EA except one set of text messages before they went underground. I do have another way I confirmed the EA but I can't divulge that for various reasons. The EA I know about lives across the street from me. Her husband works out of town and she was smart enough to tell him she was just being friendly to my WH and I freaked out. Her husband thinks I'm crazy.

My family/friends know...his have been told his version and choose to enable and believe him no matter what.

Why am I so fearful of stopping Plan A??? I think he will just view that as a sign I am crazy and give him justification for getting out of this relationship with this crazy wife. UUGHHH

Expose the stuffing out of this. It is just basically immoral to cover this bbehaviour up.

You will need so much support so access it. Make sure everyone at work knows though they must surely have a good idea anyway.

I'm worried about your mental health after staying in such an abusive situation for so long. You might consider anti depressants. Though Plan B is healing, it will be the first opportunity for you to think about exactly what he has put you through and you will find it almost unbearable at first. Or maybe all love is dead.

Hard to say never heard of anyone doing Plan C for so long.

You have his admission of the affairs. That is evidence. You can tell the OWH everything you know. And you know, you can't continue to live there, right? Seeing the OW will be an obstacle to recovery.


And this is why you need to expose his affairs yourself. Exposure does not mean that the WS tells everyone lies, it means YOU TELL the truth.

In your case, I would write out a short story and tell people about all his affairs and explain the hell this man has put you through. Explain to them all why you are getting divorced.


What he thinks is about as relevant to the situation as the price of tea in China. No one cares about his "justification" but about your PLANS.

I would also strongly recommend you contact a good psychologist to help you find out why you allow yourself to be abused like this.

There were about 5 years that I thought we were in recovery and there were no other women. He was doing polys every 6 months to verify until he talked me into not doing them anymore because they were expensive. I'm guessing not long after that he started back up with EA's. I caught him once two years ago rubbing a girl shoulders. He JUST MET her. He convinced me it was a lapse of judgment and I fell for it. I now know there was a girl on an airplane he had an EA with last year and now the neighbor this year.

He is a total attention addict. The sex part is completely secondary to him. Nobody could ever be good enough to keep him happy.

In HIS words...I am extremely attractive...educated (I have a master's degree)...hard working...best mom ever...no money problems...no sexual problems...best friend to him...blah...blah...blah. His two complaints...disrespectful communication and lack of physical touch.

His complaints have some validity, I believe, partially based on some residual lack of forgiveness due to his ongoing philandering behaviors.

I can't convince my heart to NOT love him even after all he has done. I'm sure this means there is something very wrong with me.

Your husband has affairs because a) he has no boundaries around women and b) you have been enabling him for years.

Your husband knew after the FIRST affair how devastating it was to you. So he KNEW the risks. He didn't care and doesn't care. That is why he has affairs.

You haven't been in Plan A... Probably ever. It only lasts three weeks any longer and it isn't Plan A after that. It's nothing but but Plan scared to to do anything. Dr H calls it Plan C for confusion.

Even when it is done in three weeks Plan A involves exposure, it involves telling your husband he should be looking for somewhere else to live unless recovery is done hat in hand.

Plan A is about being empowered to demand respect and turfing them out if they do not. Yes you look good and don't lovebust throughout but you should stand up like a rock star not lay down like a doormat.

All you've been doing is rewarding the affair behaviour. He likes the affair behaviour and he likes the reward. Why would anything ever change in Plan C?

I would just prepare for divorce at this point. You'll be ten tonne lighter and 100 miles an hour faster without a cheating husband, a serial one at that, in tow.

Plan A should have ended in January of 2000. "Plan A" time is over. It is not supposed to be a way of life for conflict avoiders. It only lasts 3 weeks..

You guys are soooo right. AAAHHHHHHHHHH!

I'm pretty sure I'm addicted to HIM...typical codependent behavior.

I have physical withdrawal symptoms when I'm not around him.

I obsess over what he is doing.

I do things for him he should do himself.

I'm terrified of doing anything that he will view as negative.

I know about lies he has told me and am afraid to confront him with the truth because I don't want it to be an LB.

I'm so afraid that he will find somebody else and I won't.

That's proof isn't it? You also expose all the other affairs.

There must be something wrong with all of us who went into Plan B then. I was still in love, every BW is. It felt like an amputation but I got over it AFTER I did something about it. Being in love is not reason to encourage your husband to be an abuser.

Excuse me but no one cares about the words of a serial cheat. His complaints have no validity at all. I don't care if you knife him on a daily basis - it does not compare to the pain of even one affair.

Just what the cream crackers does he want to be forgiven for? He's still having affairs and has no intention of stopping.

Recovery with a serial cheat is no joke. Much more stringent rules are needed than with an ordinary affair. For example he can't work with anyone but you, so he can't teach. You'd have to work together from home in some way. He can't be trusted and he would have to acknowledge that. You can't BS this.

Just leave. Either he will get it in Plan B or you will heal while on cold turkey from his manipulation s and won't care.

Either way a win.

That's quite normal. I've writhed through them too. It lasts a month tops and now I am in love with someone actually worthy of my time.

You could have gotten through withdrawal over ten years ago. Afterward you would have been strong enough to insist on proper treatment and either gotten a recovered marriage or a whole new one.

I don't even know if my ex has found someone else. I couldn't care less as I closed off all iinformation so I could get through withdrawal from him.

I did and now just don't care. Maybe he found more cheaters to cheat with. Maybe he discovered how to be faithful after he lost a good thing. Don't know, don't care.

I didn't believe I would ever feel like that but Dr H did and I trusted his experience.

Plan B will resolve this problem. You will regain your long lost ability to use common sense and good judgement. Once you cut him off for several weeks, you will not be so addicted that it impairs your judgement.