I originally joined Marriage Builders in 2000 during separation #1 from WH. I have a binder of the posts I posted back then and WH has not changed in the last 14+ years. How discouraging...

Anyway...in the 14 years since I originally joined this forum the following has happened:

*Four physical separations
*Six physical affairs that I know of...the first of which happened the day before our daughter was born in 2001--I found out about all of them at once
*I have no idea how many emotional affairs...so many and ongoing now
*In false recovery from his Sexual Addiction for about a year and a half before he sabotaged and quit the recovery all together

I uncovered the latest emotional affair (possibly physical just no real proof) in August. After about a month of going back and forth on separating...he finally moved out 9/24 after refusing the "polygraph or divorce" ultimatum I have him.

He says all the typical/predictable things...he's not sure he's in love with me....I didn't meet his needs...blah...blah...blah. He goes back and forth between this and feeling remorse for his actions.

He is back into SA counseling & an SA group. He is not being honest with his counselor OR his group because I can tell he is still using his KIK app which means he is still trolling. He used this app to previously contact the OW. I'm 99.9% sure it is over with this OW though.

I have went into my typical go to trauma response mode---fawn. I have been doing plan A behaviors even though he doesn't deserve it in my mind. He has even said I am perfect. I did deviate from plan A when it came to my attention that is was still using the KIK app and was confiding about us to one of his female 16 year old students. At that point I filed for divorce.

The ODD thing is that since I filed on 10/10 we had exactly one bad day after that and then just went back to the current normal...me doing plan A and him eating it up.

Our counselors want us to abstain from sex but the longest we have made it was a week. He tried something every time we are alone.

He tries to be around me a lot...this is very confusing. In one breathe he will say he doesn't think of me every minute we aren't together but his actions try to be together a lot.

In addition to the addiction to pursuing women (not as much sex with them but the initial attention/new conquest) he is addicted to fantasy football, ESPN streak for cash, Madden video game & his phone in general. He has a BIG TIME addictive personality. He would not EVER give up these hobbies even though they will never be able to include me and are HUGE time sucks.

So.....that brings me to the question....WHAT THE HECK DO I DO NOW?

He currently gets to live the single life with few responsibilities but also has me fawning over him. He is trying desperately to keep the separation on the DL from almost everybody we know. He keeps saying his goal is to work on himself enough so he can be the husband he needs to be but then puts no effort into working on the marriage.

Plan A seems to work with him....he likes the attention. He appreciates the no LB's.

I read the book Gary Chapman wrote about Tough Love and am now thoroughly confused on what to do. The divorce is filed but he hasn't been served yet. My lawyer is waiting for my go ahead.

I'm just stuck....

If I had a magic wand and could get what I want:

*He would realize he has been blame shifting and would get his crap together and be a good husband
*He would have proper hedges in our marriage and would not seek attention from other women
*He would realize these hobbies are not "self care" as he labels them but are toxic and would find some hobbies we could enjoy together
*He would do what he needs to do for amends to get the marriage back on track including a polygraph (which he REFUSED which is the reason why we separated)

Advice? I just wonder if he is even capable of being in a marriage. I'm 41 and feel maybe I should just cut my losses...finalize the divorce and move on.

One final thing...we work together as teachers at the same school and our rooms are RIGHT NEXT DOOR to each other. We are in the same department so a true Plan B can't happen.

HHHHEEEELLLLLPPPPP!!!!!!

What you should do is go into a pitch dark Plan B. You will have to resolve the job situation by finding another job, taking a leave of absence, get a transfer, do something. I would expose his affairs wide and far. Tell everyone, especially your children using the techniques in my exposure thread.

I would also file for divorce since there is nothing here to save. Your future with him will be impossible.

The job situation may clear itself up very soon but nothing in education happens right away.

He should be served immediately. Perhaps you can visit your personnel department and let them know you need their help in getting transferred someplace else. They might be able to help you. Another consideration is to take a leave of absence. Yoru husband is horribly abusive and he will wreck your emotional and physical health if he hasn't already.

However, you are a big part of the problem because you have essentially volunteered to be abused for years. You have been on the forum longer than me and have not improved at all.

If he isn't currently in the affair...do I still do exposure?

Absolutely! Expose all of his affairs, with full names, dates, etc. Everyone should know. If they are married, contact their husbands.

I would stop Plan A today. All you are doing is enabling him. Plan A is NOT APPROPRIATE in your situation because it is harmful to you. Plan A is supposed to last THREE WEEKS in the first affair. You have been doing this for YEARS over multiple affairs. Marriage Builders NEVER intended Plan A to misused as a way to enable abusers.

I don't have proof of the EA except one set of text messages before they went underground. I do have another way I confirmed the EA but I can't divulge that for various reasons. The EA I know about lives across the street from me. Her husband works out of town and she was smart enough to tell him she was just being friendly to my WH and I freaked out. Her husband thinks I'm crazy.

My family/friends know...his have been told his version and choose to enable and believe him no matter what.

Why am I so fearful of stopping Plan A??? I think he will just view that as a sign I am crazy and give him justification for getting out of this relationship with this crazy wife. UUGHHH

Expose the stuffing out of this. It is just basically immoral to cover this bbehaviour up.

You will need so much support so access it. Make sure everyone at work knows though they must surely have a good idea anyway.

I'm worried about your mental health after staying in such an abusive situation for so long. You might consider anti depressants. Though Plan B is healing, it will be the first opportunity for you to think about exactly what he has put you through and you will find it almost unbearable at first. Or maybe all love is dead.

Hard to say never heard of anyone doing Plan C for so long.

You have his admission of the affairs. That is evidence. You can tell the OWH everything you know. And you know, you can't continue to live there, right? Seeing the OW will be an obstacle to recovery.


And this is why you need to expose his affairs yourself. Exposure does not mean that the WS tells everyone lies, it means YOU TELL the truth.

In your case, I would write out a short story and tell people about all his affairs and explain the hell this man has put you through. Explain to them all why you are getting divorced.


What he thinks is about as relevant to the situation as the price of tea in China. No one cares about his "justification" but about your PLANS.

I would also strongly recommend you contact a good psychologist to help you find out why you allow yourself to be abused like this.

There were about 5 years that I thought we were in recovery and there were no other women. He was doing polys every 6 months to verify until he talked me into not doing them anymore because they were expensive. I'm guessing not long after that he started back up with EA's. I caught him once two years ago rubbing a girl shoulders. He JUST MET her. He convinced me it was a lapse of judgment and I fell for it. I now know there was a girl on an airplane he had an EA with last year and now the neighbor this year.

He is a total attention addict. The sex part is completely secondary to him. Nobody could ever be good enough to keep him happy.

In HIS words...I am extremely attractive...educated (I have a master's degree)...hard working...best mom ever...no money problems...no sexual problems...best friend to him...blah...blah...blah. His two complaints...disrespectful communication and lack of physical touch.

His complaints have some validity, I believe, partially based on some residual lack of forgiveness due to his ongoing philandering behaviors.

I can't convince my heart to NOT love him even after all he has done. I'm sure this means there is something very wrong with me.

Your husband has affairs because a) he has no boundaries around women and b) you have been enabling him for years.

Your husband knew after the FIRST affair how devastating it was to you. So he KNEW the risks. He didn't care and doesn't care. That is why he has affairs.

You haven't been in Plan A... Probably ever. It only lasts three weeks any longer and it isn't Plan A after that. It's nothing but but Plan scared to to do anything. Dr H calls it Plan C for confusion.

Even when it is done in three weeks Plan A involves exposure, it involves telling your husband he should be looking for somewhere else to live unless recovery is done hat in hand.

Plan A is about being empowered to demand respect and turfing them out if they do not. Yes you look good and don't lovebust throughout but you should stand up like a rock star not lay down like a doormat.

All you've been doing is rewarding the affair behaviour. He likes the affair behaviour and he likes the reward. Why would anything ever change in Plan C?

I would just prepare for divorce at this point. You'll be ten tonne lighter and 100 miles an hour faster without a cheating husband, a serial one at that, in tow.

Plan A should have ended in January of 2000. "Plan A" time is over. It is not supposed to be a way of life for conflict avoiders. It only lasts 3 weeks..

You guys are soooo right. AAAHHHHHHHHHH!

I'm pretty sure I'm addicted to HIM...typical codependent behavior.

I have physical withdrawal symptoms when I'm not around him.

I obsess over what he is doing.

I do things for him he should do himself.

I'm terrified of doing anything that he will view as negative.

I know about lies he has told me and am afraid to confront him with the truth because I don't want it to be an LB.

I'm so afraid that he will find somebody else and I won't.

That's proof isn't it? You also expose all the other affairs.

There must be something wrong with all of us who went into Plan B then. I was still in love, every BW is. It felt like an amputation but I got over it AFTER I did something about it. Being in love is not reason to encourage your husband to be an abuser.

Excuse me but no one cares about the words of a serial cheat. His complaints have no validity at all. I don't care if you knife him on a daily basis - it does not compare to the pain of even one affair.

Just what the cream crackers does he want to be forgiven for? He's still having affairs and has no intention of stopping.

Recovery with a serial cheat is no joke. Much more stringent rules are needed than with an ordinary affair. For example he can't work with anyone but you, so he can't teach. You'd have to work together from home in some way. He can't be trusted and he would have to acknowledge that. You can't BS this.

Just leave. Either he will get it in Plan B or you will heal while on cold turkey from his manipulation s and won't care.

Either way a win.

That's quite normal. I've writhed through them too. It lasts a month tops and now I am in love with someone actually worthy of my time.

You could have gotten through withdrawal over ten years ago. Afterward you would have been strong enough to insist on proper treatment and either gotten a recovered marriage or a whole new one.

I don't even know if my ex has found someone else. I couldn't care less as I closed off all iinformation so I could get through withdrawal from him.

I did and now just don't care. Maybe he found more cheaters to cheat with. Maybe he discovered how to be faithful after he lost a good thing. Don't know, don't care.

I didn't believe I would ever feel like that but Dr H did and I trusted his experience.

Plan B will resolve this problem. You will regain your long lost ability to use common sense and good judgement. Once you cut him off for several weeks, you will not be so addicted that it impairs your judgement.

Thanks everybody! Please pray that this job comes through for me! !

His excuse for seeking out these women is that I don't meet his needs even though he agrees we were best friends, didn't really fight, no money or sex problems, shared goals and dreams...etc.

Forget about his excuses. This is the reason why he has affairs.

I am praying that you follow the advice on this thread:

1. expose his multiple affairs
2. get another job asap
3. go into Plan B
4. move away

Have you seen this? Please Explain Gaslighting

You don't meet his needs. He has a need to be with a variety of scum and you cannot fulfill that need!

He's been cheating on you for over a decade. If you were in any way sub par he would have left.

It's really up to you if you want this for life.

Expose him at work, including this, and you will no longer be working next door to him.

Whatever it was he confided about the 16 year old, it must have been far more than they crossed paths in the hallway since it caused you to file for divorce.

Alarming! He really has no business working around impressionable young people, with such a low moral compass. I would expose him at work immediately too, because as a teacher YOU also have an obligation to protect students from harm, and his lack of morals and the fact that he confides this to female students is harmful.

Definitely expose this. If he is this indiscrete the whole school will be talking about him and you are implicated if you do not report it.

My administration have been given a heads up by a friend I work with and they have not even followed up on it. She is in his room alone with him every prep hour--with the door shut and STILL nobody has "swung by" to see what's up. Not much more I can do unfortunately.

I went back and read all the posts I posted under the username Teddy Bear back in 2000. What a heartbreaking thing. Mitzi...you DID post back and forth with me then. Absolutely NOTHING has changed since then. His words are the same...my actions are the same. How upsetting to know I have been stuck in this sick cycle for so long.

What the heck is WRONG with me?

Please continue praying that this other job opportunity works out for me. If it does...I will most likely be able to take a leave of absence with all of my sick days until the next job starts. That would be a blessing of EPIC proportions!!

Baloney!!!

There is plenty YOU can do.

YOU contact the administration and expose his history.

YOU contact the childs parents and put them on alert so they can protect their daughter.

Now, by doing nothing, you are an accomplice to whatever transsires when you could have saved this poor immature child.

LTL

I have no proof of anything except he has confided in her that we are separated and that he lets her work in his room alone every day on his prep--door shut. She is in front of the window of the door though.

Our school has no rule/policy against this. The administration is aware but hasn't done anything.

Go over the schools head, alert the education authority, police or social services. Isnt there a whistle blowing policy? My God do something. This poor girl can't.

The school needs to hear it from you accompanied by proof of his affairs. Tell them you're leaving but they need to know this.Why did you get a friend to do it?

This is referring to a high school student?

You are in a position to protect her, and she needs your protection.

Is there a reason you haven't walked up to open the door yourself?

Her parents need to know immediately. There are few things so heartbreaking as picking up the pieces with your child after being violated sexually. Even if she thinks she is willing (it was not forceful rape), in time she will realize how taken advantage of and used she was by this older man, and it will be a traumatizing thing for her to get through.

If I were the parent and this came to my attention, I would have two punches to deliver - and two people I could probably never forgive. One to the jerk who violated my daughter, and one to the person who knew of it during and stood by.

Even if she is in front of the door the whole time (and who is watching the WHOLE time), clearly he is softening her up.

What adult male wants to spend that much time alone with a 16 year old for no reason?

Edited to add: And especially an adult male who already did something so out of line with a different 16 year old that it caused you to file for divorce.

Maybe let the administration know in WRITING that your WH is a sex addict and a serial cheater and you know he has already crossed the line with this 16 yr old.

Has your WH's serial cheating been exposed to your daughters?

I didn't get a friend to do it. She just did it first because the opportunity presented itself before I could.

Admin knows about the serial affairs too. Daughters know age appropriate details.

This is the same 16 year old who caused me to file. There aren't two.

I have told him it is wrong for her to be in there with the door closed...he thinks I'm just being controlling. I have no leg to stand on though because technically there are no rules/policies against this. I looked and he isn't the only male teacher who does this. The only thing I know 100% is that she brings him lunch/coffees and that he has confided in her that we are separated.

I also have emails from her to him asking if she can work in there on homework. Nothing from him to her suggesting it...again--no proof.

Even IF nothing has happened between the two, it is highly inappropriate behavior. The 16 year old is vulnerable, and needs your help.

You don't have proof that he lets her stay in there?

And with the door closed?

What have they been told?

It is very inappropriate in my opinion too but sadly not uncommon. Our male teachers are even allowed to have female TA's on their preps (alone in their rooms). It is a perfect storm if you ask me but no rule violations have occurred...no policy violations.

I'm 100% certain nothing has happened physically.

Yes!

YES!
Have you talked to them? Do they know the details?

I don't have access to that information since she isn't my student and has never been. Confidentiality laws...

It doesn't matter if nothing has happened physically. Any emotional bond they are creating will haunt her for years. She needs protection.

Have you exposed the details about him to her parents?

You are letting that girl be taken advantage of.

Nothing but excuses on how and why you can't, (Won't) take that child out of harms way.

Did you WRITE A LETTER to the Administration, revealing IN WRITING what hid sexual predatory past reveals?

Did You C.C. the upper level School Board with the same information?

Have you asked one of your friend teachers for this childs contact information for her family?

Have you asked this young girl herself for her parents contact information?

ANYBODY who tried and really wanted to find out that information, especially being an insider such as yourself could and would find out in less than 1 hour.

Have you ever asked any if this girls friends how to contact her parents?

LTL

How is this my fault when administration has been notified? I have voiced my opinion to him. I have monitored his emails for inappropriate behavior. I go into his room unannounced to check on the situation even though seeing him makes me physically anxious and ill at times. If I was keeping some little dirty secret I could see that but I'm not. If I had anything else to bring to their attention...I would. I have always exposed his betrayals. I have also told my counselor who is married to his counselor and has an agreement they can discuss our situations with each other--so it is on their radar. Both of our counselors are certified sex addition/partner counselors.

It's getting really hard to not get defensive when I came on here for support and HAVE made sure the appropriate people know about the situation along with the history.

I also filed for divorce when I hadn't for the last 14 years of this sick cycle/drama because of this situation. That's a HUGE step for me. None of the affairs/neglect/mistreatment/trauma made me file but finding out he told this 16 year old we were separated did.

Divorce is filed but stalled

Yes you did file for divorce but why stalled?

Waiting for the revisions from the lawyer...

So you have talked to her parents about all the details?

Defying my administration by taking matters in my own hands would get me fired and sued. They are properly notified so that is their call. Breaking confidentiality laws could get both me and the district sued.

So you would let a 16 year old girl be taken advantage of.

Confused teacher,

I am sorry our comments feel like an attack. We are not intending to attack you.

If this was your child, you would want to know.

She is being softened up.

This is a very urgent situation; we are in a more objective position that you are since you are inside of the situation.

Please find a way to tell her parents.

I have been in your shoes. Please tell her parents.

The lawsuit would be initiated by who? Her parents would be the injured party, and why would they sue you for telling them this information about their daughter?

Alternatively, you could not get fired or sued for reporting suspicious activity to the police, which would then prompt notification to her parents so they could protect her. [I am not an attorney, but there are plenty that post to these boards that can advise if this is incorrect.]

It is not a crime to report suspicious situations.

If they investigate and find nothing, great. That's what their job is. In the process, her parents would become aware of the situation.

Is this how you handle problems? Wait around for someone else to take action? This is why you find yourself in a marriage with a known playah after 14 years on this board. You don't handle problems like an adult.

YOU should be in HR's office YOURSELF telling them about this and asking for transfer to another school.


You CHOSE not to change. You don't address and resolve problems.


How about exposure? How about getting moved to another location for now?

huh? When did you separate??

What do you call age appropriate details?
Do they know that their father committed adultery and is a serial adulterer?

divorce is on hold!!

So which is it? You are waiting on revisions from lawyer or your
lawyer is waiting for your go ahead?

We understand that your life is in shambles right now. But the only thing that will help you out of this mess is appropriate action. Waffling has brought you nowhere. Regretfully, your husband is of the bolder type. He knows what he wants and tries to get it. Even if there are problems, even if it's a 16-year-old to stoke his ego. Let's hope that's all she strokes.

1.
Your 13-year-old has been kept in the dark long enough about what is going on in her life. Age appropriate does not mean �Mommy and daddy are having some difficulties dear�. She will not take it lightly, that her dad is prying on girls her own age, but she will survive and can be a big influence on him.

2.
Your husband is having the time of his life. A happy family and a bachelor's existence on the side. Who could ask for more? I would think that being married to an intelligent woman like you would come at a somewhat higher price, but hey, who am I?

3.
If you don't let him have it and let him fall hard, he will sink deeper and deeper into the swamp of despicable and illegal behaviour. Honestly, I don't care how you do it, and it might not even be your legal obligation. HOWEVER you have a moral obligation to protect this girl and it might involve an anonymous phone call to the child protection agency. That may be all there is to it.

4.
You are 41, you can still start over. If you wait another 10 years your opportunities will be more limited. Have him served. You can always stall later, but take the plunge for heaven's sake.

5.
What have you got to lose? A husband? You don't even have one, because he sure doesn't care about your feelings. A father for the children? He will have no choice then to continue to be their father anyway. How would you like your daughter to be so subservient to her boyfriend who cheated on her as you are to your husband?

Please stop torturing yourself with this man. You cannot save him. He will have to change and you have not given him a reason yet.

Can you answer this, please?

I understand you feel attacked but I hope you will think long and hard about what ML has said to you.

This is not normal behavior, confused.

I hope you will stay here and answer questions and not leave the forum until some of these issues are resolved.... I am really worried about your girls.