How do you know this?


If you have the evidence, though, then what would be the purpose of waiting? If you visit the OMW tomorrow you would be launching the exposure and it is very important to get it all done in a couple of days so it has the effect of a tsunami.

I am very concerned and unclear about your strategy of waiting to see your attorney. Especially since he will likely tell you NOT to expose. That is the standard advice of attorneys because their goal is to facilitate an easy, amicable divorce.

Why not launch your exposure tomorrow? You have the evidence, so have no reason to wait. And if you begin with the OMW, she might add to your cache of evidence.


I think lawyers will complicate the situation and try and prevent you from exposing. Are you thinking they will give you this evidence for the purpose of exposure? I would be surprised to hear that.

This really is not a complicated situation, but is becoming complicated for reasons that are unclear to me. Dragging out a simple exposure makes next steps much more difficult.

Why not visit with the OMW tomorrow and offer to share information with her? [just show her a small bit and say this is SOME of it, leading her to believe you have more - that is what you want her to tell the OM] Ask her to share her own intel with you.

At that point, you can proceed with the rest of your exposures.

It is also important for the OMW to share with the OM that you know, you have evidence and have been to his home. If she does something stupid and keeps exposure a "secret" then you need to let your wife know on your own.

Are you familiar with my exposure thread? Have you prepared an exposure list with talking points?

It's not complicated, Rusty. This is typical affair garbage.

How do you even know of this supposed evidence? If you have not spoken to the OMW there must be some sort of breech of confidentially between lawyers and/or PI. This doesn't make sense to me.

I don't understand why you won't contact OMW tonight or tomorrow and be done with all the what ifs and ???s. That OM and WW work and travel together...you also have the benefit of travel expense reports and credit card activity to compare.

Make sure you tell OMW about this. This is OMW's daughter too or only OM's daughter?

Good!! Although even if OM's car is in the drive you may still want to knock on the door. Confronting the OM is a GOOD thing so long as you can control yourself. He would probably sh%t a brick to see you on his doorstep . If OMW has PIs she isn't going to believe any BS spin about why you are there either.

My exWH was the boss OM...twice. I kicked my WH's butt plenty for both BHs and was grateful for any intel they shared with me.

Thank you all for the advice. I am not going to visit the OMW tomorrow � too much risk that her daughters will tell the OM that I was there with my kids, and he'll prepare my WW for the exposure. I need the element of surprise on my side, and to hit them hard and unexpectedly. So instead, I will wait out till Tuesday, when the attorneys are supposed to tell me what the evidence is that the OMW has. For what it's worth, it's not a breach of attorney/PI relationship to share evidence � we're on the same side, and I could technically get at it anyway if it becomes relevant (through a subpoena).

But even if the attorneys advise against it, I will expose. I need the secrecy to end more than anything� The relationship between the OM and WW can go on, for all I care, I just need her family and friends to know our marriage is ending because of it, not because we "grew apart" or whatever bullsh*t she fed them. So there's no doubt in my mind that the exposure will happen. That said, I figure 3 more days to shore up the proof is okay, if I lay low and not let on to WW that I'm about to drop the bomb on them. Also by that time, I would have received the physical specimen test that MelodyLane mentioned and I may have further proof.

I have been preparing for this. I've read the book and the exposure thread; I have a draft email, and a list of all the folks to expose to. I will follow up the exposure to the key people (WW's mother and sisters) with phone calls to explain the evidence, if necessary. The only question is what should be the subject of the email. Also need to expose to WW's grandmother who doesn't have email, so it will be an awkward phone call, but the granny can really dish out the guilt once she finds out, I bet.

Now I am thinking that I will expose at work as well, and let the chips fall where they may. I will tell the head of HR and the OM's boss (basically the head of the organization) and let them deal with it. If they don't deal with it adequately, I'll expose to co-workers, which will surely cause a sh*tstorm because my WW was promoted by OM, who knows whether because of the affair or not.

Bear with me, folks. This is my first rodeo, as they say, and while I want to move fast, I don't want to make mistakes or cede ground. I know folks think it's not complicated, but I want to have as much proof as possible for the doubters (like the WW's mother). I know WW will try to paint this as just another example of me being controlling and paranoid, so I want to guard against that with the evidence.

Confronting the OM is out of the question - I don't think I could resist pounding his face in and then the WW would (a) feel sympathy for him and love him more and (b) use that against me in getting custody over kids.

Rusty, I'm so sorry for what you are going through...I know how painful and in shock you must be! Has your wife done anything like this before? Did you have a good marriage? Make sure, when you speak to family during exposure, you tell them you have a plan to get your marriage back on track, that you love your wife, and will do whatever it takes to make life wonderful for her. They need to know you are going to do everything possible to save your marriage. Her family will come down hard on her, tell her to stop her nonsense and work on her marriage. She'll probably go through withdrawal, but we're here to help you through it. good luck with exposure!

I would also plan on sending enough evidence with your exposures so it shuts your wife down without question. One way to do this is to upload the evidence to a website and send the link out to all your contacts. You will want to do this with every person, because if you just expose and say "ask for evidence," if your WW gets to them first and convinces them you are crazy, they won't ask. They will just turn against you.

There are instructions on my exposure thread outlined by Rainysweet about how to start up a free website for this purpose.

I would make your subject line: "Asking for your help for my marriage"

Just found that she's downloaded Line2 and Text Free to her personal cell phone (found this out from her work phone, which shares the same apple ID and tells you which apps you have bought but not downloaded to that particular phone � i.e. downloaded to the other one).

Trying to surreptitiously get her pwd for the personal phone, I'm sure it will be a treasure trove. I'm also having the PI tail them tonight at their department dinner. Hopefully he will get something � the more evidence, the better!!

OMW's and OM's daughters. Yes, I think she will not be happy to learn of this. I'm surprised her 6 year old didn't tell her that Daddy went apple picking with his friend "WW" and her two kids. Or maybe she did, which is how she found out.

I have an exposure list, growing bigger by the day. What are the talking points?

I'm going to go the website route and include a link in the email, so that people who are interested or need more proof can see it.

I just ran the semen test and it's positive. Not sure if I should include that info as well (I will if I don't have any other proof, but it seems a bit too much to send to our friends and family � then again, she made the choice to sleep w/ him, so she should reap what she sows).

The "tsunami" gets unleashed tomorrow!

Hi Rusty! Go read my exposure thread for talking points. It is real important to ask family and close friends to help you. When you ask for help, people are usually very glad to do what they can to assist.

And I surely hope the OMW is on your list tomorrow!

I will re-read the thread. The main problem with asking for help is that I am not sure I want to stay married to her. (and my family, who now knows, is absolutely livid at her, which would make it even more difficult to reconcile). My goal right now is simply just to get her out of the fog and thinking clearly.

OMW already knows - she's the one that hired the PI. But yes, I will try to speak with her, I'm sure she does not have all the details (how long this has been going on, etc).

Thanks for all your help, MelodyLane. I'll let everyone know how it goes.

The way you do that is to ask them to contact her and persuade her to end her affair. Even if you decide to get divorced, you want her to end her affair. Exposure is not very impactful if your targets are not contacting her. And you never know who will get through to her.


This will be a KEY exposure. You should speak to her, tell her all you know about the affair and offer to help each other. You don't really know what she knows and you need to know this.

It is very important that the OM knows you have been in touch with his wife and other key contacts. Tomorrow you will want the OMW to call him and say she has heard from you. He needs to know he is busted.

Yes, I do want the affair to end, you are right!! In the email, I ask the contacts to do just that, reach out to her and use their influence to get her to end the affair.





I got her phone number (I think) so I will call her tomorrow once the exposure starts. I don't know if he will be home and pick up the phone, that could be an awkward conversation ("Hi, OM, yeah, its BH, could you put your wife on the phone so I can tell her that you're diddling my wife? Thanks so much!") LOL

good!



When you call, disguise your # with *67 so he doesn't see you calling. Another way to get through is to just drive over there. I know you said you don't want to see him, but you could bring a big friend with you. And leave your pistol in the car!

Good luck with your exposure Rusty. Don't be surprised if a wayward minded affair supporter or two lurk in your social circle, and call or email you to tell you that you are doing the wrong thing.

Exposure is also a way to weed out those people in your life who are not friends of your marriage.

Take naysayers with a grain of salt and know that you are doing the right thing.

Hey that happened to me...OW picked up the phone when I tried to contact her BH. I didn't hang up either and bought her a clue!!

Have you considered emailing OMW's attorney directly? If OMW has filed for divorce that would be public record with her counsel's name/firm being on file. You could tell the attorney your WW is having an affair with Mr. POSOM and that you have information that his client may find helpful. Mention something like him bringing WW around her children...to an apple farm the weekend of mm/dd/yy and a couple eye catching facts. What is the status on your attorney, talking to his attorney? Make it happen!!

Rusty,

After the tsunmi, the angry stuff, job loss and so on...

The affair will be a lot less exciting. Your wife will be forced (hopefully) to look around and fully see what she has created and destroyed. Exactly what you want.

Don't be surprised, no promises of course, if you both stop being enemies and decide to rebuild a whole new foundation.

So its good you tell exposure people that you need their help if there is to be any chance for your marriage.

You are doing great! Keep going.

Also, what are your current list of smoking guns?

Good idea about disguising the phone number. My backup plan is to call her on Wednesday during the day when he's at work. If I go over there, I would need the big friend to retrain me from going to town on him!