Hi everyone.

I'm new here but wish I had read some of the materials/seen some of the signs earlier. I found out for sure that my wife is having an affair with her boss. I first suspected something 6 months ago, when I saw some texts from her that were not work-appropriate and EA type texts. She explained it away by claiming that they were just friends, he was gay and came out to her (he's married with two kids) and that he's miserable because he can't come out to his family (very religious), etc. I foolishly bought this all.

We went to marriage counseling for 5 months but made little progress. Now she's decided that she wants a divorce and that's when I came back to the idea that she's cheating on me with him. Sure enough, I found proof when I started looking (for instance, after I looked through her email, she put a passcode on her iPad that's his birthday!). Apparently his wife also suspected something because I found out that she has some proof (this proof is with her attorney, so I don't quite know what it is but it's apparently unequivocal. I'm working on getting access to it but it may take a few days).

Here's the current situation. WS and the OM (her boss) are at a conference overseas (and no doubt getting it on). She comes back tomorrow night. I want to expose this to her family and friends. I will hold off on the work exposure for now, because it will cause a sh*tstorm with the likelihood that one or both will get fired, but that's coming. What I don't know is the right timing of the non-work exposure.

Do I confront her when she gets back, tell her that she has to tell her family/friends or that I will? Or do I tell them all before she gets back into the country? This second approach may cause her friends/family to reach out to her and she'll circle the wagons with the OM on the way back from the airport � she's very much in the fog � and I won't be able to get any additional proof. If I tell her that I know and I'm going to expose, she may try to "poison the well" and tell her friends/family that I will tell them shocking lies about an affair because I'm upset, etc.

My thought it to tell her immediate family (mother and sister, whose opinions she cares about very much) and a few of our mutual friends who I know can be trusted before she comes back. That way she can't pre-empt that exposure and it won't seem like I'm just lashing out because I'm hurt/spiteful (which is what she would tell them if she knew I was going to do it). But then I will wait a day or so to tell other family/friends, after I tell her that I know and that the truth is coming out. Then she may reach out to the OM and I can get audio of it, further collaborating my evidence.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. At this point, I'm not even sure I want to try to survive the A, but we have a long history and little kids, and she's plainly not thinking clearly about how she's destroying everything that she worked so hard to build (job, family, etc.). I hope the exposure will shatter this fantasy that she's built up and let reality start seeping in through the cracks.. I just want to make sure I do this in the most effective way possible.

I would drop the nuke while they are on the trip. This way you control the story. I would put the OM's wife, your children and the workplace at the TOP of your list and then follow up with friends and family. This way they won't be able to do damage control.

I would follow the exposure tactics on my exposure thread. We have found those to be the best practices. I would not suggest a trickle exposure, but a comprehensive one. A trickle exposure will backfire on you.

Thanks MelodyLane. The OM's wife knows (or at least her lawyer does, he has additional proof). The kids are too young, they are 3. I am hesitant about the workplace because of the fact that the OM is the WS's supervisor and it will ruin both their careers immediately and potentially result in legal action. I'm not averse to it, but want to give WS time to make other arrangements.

I agree that a trickle won't do it. I plan to hit all our friends and family, even those that don't yet know that we've been having trouble/separating. Also, the clergy at her place of worship, her friends in the neighborhood, etc. Any other tips/suggestions would be great. I read the exposure thread, I don't think I can hit the OM's friends, he's not on Facebook and the only contacts I have are professional ones, which I'm avoiding for now.

Thanks again.

Have you spoken to her and exchanged information?



Gotcha. The procedure is to give her 30 days to gracefully leave. That doesn't mean 30 days to DECIDE, but 30 days to give her notice and get out of there regardless of whether she has another job or not. If she doesn't agree to give her notice on day one, you should expose at that time.

What will ruin their careers is their reckless and professionally irresponsible behavior in the workplace. That is about as unprofessional as it gets. I understand and agree you want to give her a chance to back of there, but if her career is ruined, it is because of her own professional misconduct.


You would want to add the OM's wife, his parents, and any friends you know about. The OM's wife can be your greatest ally and I would establish contact with her. Having 2 people watching from both ends will reduce the risk of a resumption of the affair.

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?

I would give serious consideration to exposing in the workplace NOW. Since he is her supervisor, the most probable source of a lawsuit would be you suing them. Your marriage is more important than giving your WW an undeserved soft landing. There are more ways for this to turn out badly for you if you delay exposure than there are if you don't. Your marriage has the best chance if these affair partners return to find a crater where their jobs used to be.

Exactly this: for exposure to work and be effected you must do a full all out exposure all at once. Not only must a full work place exposure be done before they come back from their trip you need to copy and paste all of the OM's FB friends list and expose them as well.

Delaying a full exposure or allowing a them a soft landing by not doing a work exposure will not bring pressure to end the affair.

If you are placing WW's job ahead of the marriage that is a bad sign. It says that your priorities show's that you do not place a high value on your marriage. No well being of a job should come before the well being of a marriage.

I definitely agree that this is unprofessional. I worry a bit about exposing right away without giving her time to find something else, because it will make it much more difficult and she's spent her entire life getting to the point where she is now. It was undoubtedly stupid for her to do this, but if there's a chance of reconciling, I am not sure I want to put the final nail in the coffin of her career. Maybe I still have a soft spot for her, but that's my thinking at the time. But I like the idea of telling her that she has to give notice and find something or I will expose.


I just ordered the book, and going to read it. The bigger question for me is whether I want to reconcile. This was a big breach of trust and I'm not sure I can get over it.

With respect to the OM's wife, she likely knows, but I haven't contacted her � in part because she has counsel (and I'm an attorney and worry a little bit about stepping outside of the ethical guidelines for attorneys that usually don't permit contact with represented parties). I'm sorting this out with my attorney and her attorney, but I agree that being on the same page as her will be helpful.

Part of the problem is that I haven't laid my hands on this tangible evidence yet. The OM's wife hired a PI and he apparently got good evidence but because of the attorney issues, I haven't seen it yet. So I don't know that I can say how damning it is.

I appreciate everyone's thoughts on this. Keep 'em coming.

I thought about this (I'm an attorney). I don't think I could actually sue them. There's no cause of action against him for "alienating her affection" in my state. The only lawsuits could be by her co-workers, because she was promoted at some point, or maybe by her against him for sexual harassment � but she's unlikely to do that if she' s "in love" with him.. I guess I'm putting her career up there though, I know that it could ruin her reputation completely, and I guess she would deserve it.. but I guess I still have a bit of a soft spot for her..

Tough tough choices. I appreciate your thoughts � keep them coming, they will undoubtedly help me figure this out.

My other concern is that I don't have the hard proof yet. Apparently the OM's wife's attorney has it � she hired a PI to tail them at the conference and apparently got good things (the PI said it was "in the bag" but couldn't give me the details since I was not the client). So there's hard evidence, but I don't have my hands on it yet. That was one of the reasons to try to wait.. But keeping a poker face if she's back is going to be really hard, and exposing while she's on the plane and can't do damage control would be really powerful.

I am supposed to hear from the attorney tomorrow as to whether she can share the info with me and to what extent.. I guess that will affect the calculus.

Appreciate all the help. Thank you. This is not a situation I ever thought I would find myself in, so I am thankful for the support.

Welcome to MB sorry you have to be here under these painful circumstances.

How long have you been married? How many kids? Only the three year old?

So the OM doesn't know that his BW has evidence from a PI?

Rusty,
Sorry for all that you are going through. And I hope that you are doing okay while she's overseas with her boss. Very tough.

I agree with those who say expose it now in the workplace. You have a chance to blow this thing out of the water, and that is your best shot at saving your marriage. Normally, I agree with the 30 day waiting period, but not in this case. Quite frankly, I'd want my wife as far away from that workplace as fast as possible. Who cares about the job and career at this point. Gather your evidence fast and don't depend too much the other man's wife. She could be an ally, but she could also be a hindrance in that she may seek to protect her husband. Just be careful.

Married for a bit over 8 years, together for almost 14. Three year old twins (which hadn't made the last three years particularly easy, and probably contributed to some of the problems we were having).

The OM does not yet know that his BW has evidence. I don't think he knows she has an attorney either. I am trying to get more details from her attorney about her plans and the evidence.

Thanks for the kind words!

You don't need an attorney to contact her and shouldn't put this off any longer. This is not a legal matter. Please don't make this more complicated than it should be. We have several other attorneys on this board and they would tell you the same thing. Exposure to his wife is the kingpin of exposure and there is absolutely no reason to delay. You don't know what she knows and vice versa.


This is another good reason to contact her immediately. You can exchange your intel. .

Yeah, I think I will try to reach out to her. I don't have her contact info, only an address. I guess I can write her a letter or I will search harder for her phone number (maybe ask her lawyer, as you're right, there's no reason I shouldn't be able to talk to her).

I imagine if she hired a lawyer and a PI, she now knows what's going on. But it would be good to coordinate strategy in terms of the biggest impact of exposure.

I would hold your cards a little closer to your vest on exposure.

If she senses it will be exposed, and at work, she may not cooperate since her household income may be jeopardized.

I'd just coordinate with her on getting info for now.

Once you have it, then coordinate exposure - or not.

Can you find her phone #? What about driving to her home and knocking on her door?

Yes you must coordinate with the OMW. Drive to her house today while the OM is away on his business trip.

Your wife is destroying everything you have built up...family, career, friendships, etc. She's going to rewrite history and portray you as the "bad guy" who drove her to it. Believe me, that will be her story. I understand that by exposing to her workplace, you will be jeopardizing 2 careers ( her and her boss), however, she didn't give you a choice. Yes she will be furious, but it's her own fault. You are just doing the necessary steps to save your marriage. Your kids are of utmost importance and you need to do everything in your power to keep the marriage in tact...for their sake as well as the both of you and everyone else in the family. When you expose, tell her family everything. Tell her family you will do everything in your power to save your marriage. Hopefully, they will convince her to give you the chance to show her how wonderful a marriage you can give her with the MB plan. You both got off track, but you can get right back with effort. It's really all about giving it the effort.

Did you read the Exposure 101 thread? Since they are coming back tonight, where are you at with exposure?

I hope you act today and EXPOSE! You have been given a gift with them being out of town.
Please don't let this opportunity go by, so few of us got things set up like this.

I tend to agree with the folks that say expose to the work now. Be sure to include senior executives and HR executives.

Find the OMW today, and exchange info.

I did read the thread (and reading the book now). While I realize that them being out of town was a good opportunity, I may hold off on exposure for a few more days, to gather more solid evidence. I know she will deny everything, especially to her family and I need to have solid proof. I am having a PI tail them from the airport tonight (the OM is conveniently giving her a ride home) and I will likely put a recorder in play to see if I can get her on calls with him over the weekend. My lawyer is trying to get details from OMW's lawyer and PI and thinks if I expose now, I blow all our covers and the A goes deep underground.

So I think I can play along (though it may be too difficult, we'll see) and act as if nothing is up to gather firm evidence. The book suggests that this is okay. Plus, this may allow a coordinated exposure with the OMW. But who knows, I may do it sooner if I can't contain myself.

My concern with this is that if she loses her job and can't find another one, I will be on the hook for spousal support.

You are more likely to end up divorced if she doesn't leave the job, though. If you get her out of there, you are less likely to ever be discussing "spousal support." I agree there is no reason you can't give her 30 days to gracefully leave but what if she doesn't find a job in that time? Then you will be essentially making a decision to choose the affair over the marriage.

Protecting her job might feel good in the short term, but it is not a smart strategic move. It hurts your position no matter what because you will end up divorced if she doesn't leave and if you decide to divorce, you will be battling against a fogged out wayward who is entrenched in an affair. You lose either way.

So strategically, protecting the affair for the supposed benefits of the job only harms your position. Better for her to be an out of work spouse.

Dr Harley also is very specific that the affair be exposed right away, so I wouldn't wait too long. You have intel that the OMW HAS some evidence, so I am puzzled why you won't contact her and get it?

A joint exposure might be effective if it is done right.

No, don't get me wrong, either she or the OM -- or more likely both -- are leaving their jobs. All I'm talking about is a 30 day grace period.

Make no mistake, the fog, which she is definitely in, will end!! Even if we end up divorcing, which is most likely, it will be post-fog. If she wants to make a conscious decision to be with OM, she will need to do it in the open, with her family and friends knowing about the A.

Gotcha! We have had betrayed spouses sit by and watch the complete destruction of their marriages while protecting an affair over a "job." The WS ends up leaving for the affair partner and then the BS is fighting over the income with the affair partner! Not to mention the lawyers fees. Not strategically smart at all!

Its your perfect right to chose to divorce your wife over the circumstances of an affair. Its understandable you want to protect yourself and your children from more trauma in the future. And your pause to nuclear expose the affair maybe more to do with your ready decision to divorce your wife anyway. You have a perfect right to do so.

Not to give you false hope but couples do survive affairs and improve their marriages here. Your decision to stand for your marriage for the two of you and your children ---for a period of time--- could have serious lasting positive affect for your children the rest of their lives.

Its just something to consider.

graceful, the only legitimate reason to delay an exposure would be to gather necessary evidence. The decision to divorce does not change that. And the longer he waits, the less effective it will be.

Thanks ML. OK. What is "necessary?" I'm just asking because often evidence is not so black and white as in a photo, a direct visual of affairees entangled together, an audiotape of damning words and so on.

More often the waywards are showing signs of covering their tracks and withholding affection, acting different, lying, gaslighting and so on. The betrayed come here and delay their action steps when they already know. They allow the waywards more and more latitude to continue and become more and more entrenched. Make a mockery of the marriage and betrayed.

It seems better to begin some action to gather potential contact lists of whom to expose w/contact info. in parallel to seeking evidence in order to maintain a fast pace. I guess its hard to see the sense of urgency is not heeded and opportunity is missed.

graceful: I would like to know your story. I am 59, and my WH is 60. We also have 2 adult children and one grand child.

This is Rusty's thread.

Please stick to helping Rusty with his situation and take your unrelated questions to your own thread.

Thank you.

A quick update: My PI followed them from the airport to our neighborhood. They pulled over a few blocks away for 3-4 minutes and then he dropped her on the corner of our block. My PI was unable to get close to the car during the 3-4 minutes they were stopped. Of course, she initially said that he dropped her in front of the house and tried to gaslight me for saying I didn't see headlights, but later changed her story, admitting that he dropped her at the corner (what the PI texted me). I am hoping she'll reach out to him tomorrow and some of my other surveillance devices will pick up something.

What's interesting is that there was another car circling my house � I think the OM's wife had the same idea about tailing them as I did. Unfortunately, I don't think he got much this time either.

I'm going to try to reach out to the OMW sometime soon to see what she knows.

I'm really confused about why you are dragging your feet on this.

From my understanding OMW had confirming evidence of the A from her PI and you haven't even personally spoken to her to ask for it yet, instead hiring your own PI to do the exact same thing.

Now you are going to contact her 'sometime soon.' Why not NOW? You could have the evidence in your hand and exposure done already, why are you dragging your feet on this step?

This.

Take off your attorney hat and be a soldier. You are in a combat zone, not the court room. Please don't take offense at this. I can tell that you are a very smart man and that you take careful, measured, and wise steps in important matters. But in this combat zone, you are in a battle that requires timely decisions. In your case, I would not wait out the 30 days. I'd get the two separated as soon as possible because it sends the very important message that your marriage is more important to her than her job and career.

Put on your combat boots, friend.

Thank you all for talking sense to me. I appreciate the advice, sometimes I do tend to over think things.

Right now, I'm still gathering more evidence. Found a bunch of stuff after her trip, including a receipt for almost $1000 of lingerie, which she denied, a note from the OM's daughters about how they love spending time with WW, and a few other small things. I think she's getting suspicious because I couldn't help but ask her about some of the things (lingerie) and she accused me of being controlling and obsessive (I guess I am controlling in the sense that I want to stop her from having the affair). I also may have some physical evidence, that I've taken and hid. I need to figure out whether to send it away for a test (would probably need a sample of his DNA from OM from his wife).

I am going to talk to the OM's wife tomorrow. I will drive out tomorrow afternoon, when I know the my wife and her boss will be at some event (worst case, if I see his car in the driveway, I can always abort).

I know that timing is crucial and I appreciate your advice Justthe3ofUs. I've been trained not to act until I have all the facts, and right now the two big unknowns are what the OMW knows and what she plans to do. Regardless, I plan to pull the trigger on family and friends exposure this week, I don't think I can stand it any longer.

Trust me, the waiting is excruciating, particularly because she keeps feeding the the same BS about how things just fell apart and I shouldn't look for a scapegoat. So I am highly, highly motivated to expose. And I haven't ruled out exposing to the workplace before 30 days. I'm just trying to come up with a plan of attack that's least susceptible to counterattack. The OMW and I need to do a coordinated pincer movement. I will talk to her tomorrow and regroup!

Thank you all for the advice.. keep it coming. This is foreign territory for me, so the more eyes and ears I have on this, the better.

You don't need a sample of his DNA to find out if there is semen on her panties. You can order a semen detection kit here: here


Are you also having the PI follow them?

Rusty, if you haven't spoken to the OMW, then how do you know she has evidence of the affair?

If she has evidence then something is very wrong given that they still work together and even go on trips together. If she has evidence, then why wouldn't she contact you? How do you explain that?

Yes, just ordered the kit.

I am going to try to have the PI follow them, if they have the manpower available. I think the wife has a PI on them too, at least she did when they got back from the airport. I have a tracker in the car as well, in case she goes off somewhere afterward.

Her lawyer has evidence of the affair. Apparently it's a shared hotel room and enough to convince people that something was going on (showing both opportunity and inclination). However, she only got this evidence on this trip, I believe. I don't think she knew before (and their last trip together was 5 months ago, when neither of us suspected anything). If I knew before the trip, I don't think I would have waited � but of course, I didn't have solid evidence before then, just some texts, and my wife would have explained those away to her parents and friends.

I am meeting with my lawyer (who works at the same firm as OMW's lawyer) Tuesday and I am hoping that they will show me the evidence then. Even if they don't, I will still expose, I have enough at this point.

I don't know why she hasn't contacted me yet, but like I said, she just got evidence on this European trip (she was a day or two faster than I was) and I think her lawyers told her that I reached out to them. But I don't know what her motives are, so i can't be sure. I think she's going for a divorce if she has a lawyer and a team of PIs trail them, but I hope to find out for sure tomorrow.

All good questions, this is a complicated situation, but it will all come to a head in a few days!! I just hope the exposure starts to dispel the fog, b/c my wife is so think into it, it's hard to believe!

How do you know this?


If you have the evidence, though, then what would be the purpose of waiting? If you visit the OMW tomorrow you would be launching the exposure and it is very important to get it all done in a couple of days so it has the effect of a tsunami.

I am very concerned and unclear about your strategy of waiting to see your attorney. Especially since he will likely tell you NOT to expose. That is the standard advice of attorneys because their goal is to facilitate an easy, amicable divorce.

Why not launch your exposure tomorrow? You have the evidence, so have no reason to wait. And if you begin with the OMW, she might add to your cache of evidence.


I think lawyers will complicate the situation and try and prevent you from exposing. Are you thinking they will give you this evidence for the purpose of exposure? I would be surprised to hear that.

This really is not a complicated situation, but is becoming complicated for reasons that are unclear to me. Dragging out a simple exposure makes next steps much more difficult.

Why not visit with the OMW tomorrow and offer to share information with her? [just show her a small bit and say this is SOME of it, leading her to believe you have more - that is what you want her to tell the OM] Ask her to share her own intel with you.

At that point, you can proceed with the rest of your exposures.

It is also important for the OMW to share with the OM that you know, you have evidence and have been to his home. If she does something stupid and keeps exposure a "secret" then you need to let your wife know on your own.

Are you familiar with my exposure thread? Have you prepared an exposure list with talking points?

It's not complicated, Rusty. This is typical affair garbage.

How do you even know of this supposed evidence? If you have not spoken to the OMW there must be some sort of breech of confidentially between lawyers and/or PI. This doesn't make sense to me.

I don't understand why you won't contact OMW tonight or tomorrow and be done with all the what ifs and ???s. That OM and WW work and travel together...you also have the benefit of travel expense reports and credit card activity to compare.

Make sure you tell OMW about this. This is OMW's daughter too or only OM's daughter?

Good!! Although even if OM's car is in the drive you may still want to knock on the door. Confronting the OM is a GOOD thing so long as you can control yourself. He would probably sh%t a brick to see you on his doorstep . If OMW has PIs she isn't going to believe any BS spin about why you are there either.

My exWH was the boss OM...twice. I kicked my WH's butt plenty for both BHs and was grateful for any intel they shared with me.

Thank you all for the advice. I am not going to visit the OMW tomorrow � too much risk that her daughters will tell the OM that I was there with my kids, and he'll prepare my WW for the exposure. I need the element of surprise on my side, and to hit them hard and unexpectedly. So instead, I will wait out till Tuesday, when the attorneys are supposed to tell me what the evidence is that the OMW has. For what it's worth, it's not a breach of attorney/PI relationship to share evidence � we're on the same side, and I could technically get at it anyway if it becomes relevant (through a subpoena).

But even if the attorneys advise against it, I will expose. I need the secrecy to end more than anything� The relationship between the OM and WW can go on, for all I care, I just need her family and friends to know our marriage is ending because of it, not because we "grew apart" or whatever bullsh*t she fed them. So there's no doubt in my mind that the exposure will happen. That said, I figure 3 more days to shore up the proof is okay, if I lay low and not let on to WW that I'm about to drop the bomb on them. Also by that time, I would have received the physical specimen test that MelodyLane mentioned and I may have further proof.

I have been preparing for this. I've read the book and the exposure thread; I have a draft email, and a list of all the folks to expose to. I will follow up the exposure to the key people (WW's mother and sisters) with phone calls to explain the evidence, if necessary. The only question is what should be the subject of the email. Also need to expose to WW's grandmother who doesn't have email, so it will be an awkward phone call, but the granny can really dish out the guilt once she finds out, I bet.

Now I am thinking that I will expose at work as well, and let the chips fall where they may. I will tell the head of HR and the OM's boss (basically the head of the organization) and let them deal with it. If they don't deal with it adequately, I'll expose to co-workers, which will surely cause a sh*tstorm because my WW was promoted by OM, who knows whether because of the affair or not.

Bear with me, folks. This is my first rodeo, as they say, and while I want to move fast, I don't want to make mistakes or cede ground. I know folks think it's not complicated, but I want to have as much proof as possible for the doubters (like the WW's mother). I know WW will try to paint this as just another example of me being controlling and paranoid, so I want to guard against that with the evidence.

Confronting the OM is out of the question - I don't think I could resist pounding his face in and then the WW would (a) feel sympathy for him and love him more and (b) use that against me in getting custody over kids.

Rusty, I'm so sorry for what you are going through...I know how painful and in shock you must be! Has your wife done anything like this before? Did you have a good marriage? Make sure, when you speak to family during exposure, you tell them you have a plan to get your marriage back on track, that you love your wife, and will do whatever it takes to make life wonderful for her. They need to know you are going to do everything possible to save your marriage. Her family will come down hard on her, tell her to stop her nonsense and work on her marriage. She'll probably go through withdrawal, but we're here to help you through it. good luck with exposure!

I would also plan on sending enough evidence with your exposures so it shuts your wife down without question. One way to do this is to upload the evidence to a website and send the link out to all your contacts. You will want to do this with every person, because if you just expose and say "ask for evidence," if your WW gets to them first and convinces them you are crazy, they won't ask. They will just turn against you.

There are instructions on my exposure thread outlined by Rainysweet about how to start up a free website for this purpose.

I would make your subject line: "Asking for your help for my marriage"

Just found that she's downloaded Line2 and Text Free to her personal cell phone (found this out from her work phone, which shares the same apple ID and tells you which apps you have bought but not downloaded to that particular phone � i.e. downloaded to the other one).

Trying to surreptitiously get her pwd for the personal phone, I'm sure it will be a treasure trove. I'm also having the PI tail them tonight at their department dinner. Hopefully he will get something � the more evidence, the better!!

OMW's and OM's daughters. Yes, I think she will not be happy to learn of this. I'm surprised her 6 year old didn't tell her that Daddy went apple picking with his friend "WW" and her two kids. Or maybe she did, which is how she found out.

I have an exposure list, growing bigger by the day. What are the talking points?

I'm going to go the website route and include a link in the email, so that people who are interested or need more proof can see it.

I just ran the semen test and it's positive. Not sure if I should include that info as well (I will if I don't have any other proof, but it seems a bit too much to send to our friends and family � then again, she made the choice to sleep w/ him, so she should reap what she sows).

The "tsunami" gets unleashed tomorrow!

Hi Rusty! Go read my exposure thread for talking points. It is real important to ask family and close friends to help you. When you ask for help, people are usually very glad to do what they can to assist.

And I surely hope the OMW is on your list tomorrow!

I will re-read the thread. The main problem with asking for help is that I am not sure I want to stay married to her. (and my family, who now knows, is absolutely livid at her, which would make it even more difficult to reconcile). My goal right now is simply just to get her out of the fog and thinking clearly.

OMW already knows - she's the one that hired the PI. But yes, I will try to speak with her, I'm sure she does not have all the details (how long this has been going on, etc).

Thanks for all your help, MelodyLane. I'll let everyone know how it goes.

The way you do that is to ask them to contact her and persuade her to end her affair. Even if you decide to get divorced, you want her to end her affair. Exposure is not very impactful if your targets are not contacting her. And you never know who will get through to her.


This will be a KEY exposure. You should speak to her, tell her all you know about the affair and offer to help each other. You don't really know what she knows and you need to know this.

It is very important that the OM knows you have been in touch with his wife and other key contacts. Tomorrow you will want the OMW to call him and say she has heard from you. He needs to know he is busted.

Yes, I do want the affair to end, you are right!! In the email, I ask the contacts to do just that, reach out to her and use their influence to get her to end the affair.





I got her phone number (I think) so I will call her tomorrow once the exposure starts. I don't know if he will be home and pick up the phone, that could be an awkward conversation ("Hi, OM, yeah, its BH, could you put your wife on the phone so I can tell her that you're diddling my wife? Thanks so much!") LOL

good!



When you call, disguise your # with *67 so he doesn't see you calling. Another way to get through is to just drive over there. I know you said you don't want to see him, but you could bring a big friend with you. And leave your pistol in the car!

Good luck with your exposure Rusty. Don't be surprised if a wayward minded affair supporter or two lurk in your social circle, and call or email you to tell you that you are doing the wrong thing.

Exposure is also a way to weed out those people in your life who are not friends of your marriage.

Take naysayers with a grain of salt and know that you are doing the right thing.

Hey that happened to me...OW picked up the phone when I tried to contact her BH. I didn't hang up either and bought her a clue!!

Have you considered emailing OMW's attorney directly? If OMW has filed for divorce that would be public record with her counsel's name/firm being on file. You could tell the attorney your WW is having an affair with Mr. POSOM and that you have information that his client may find helpful. Mention something like him bringing WW around her children...to an apple farm the weekend of mm/dd/yy and a couple eye catching facts. What is the status on your attorney, talking to his attorney? Make it happen!!

Rusty,

After the tsunmi, the angry stuff, job loss and so on...

The affair will be a lot less exciting. Your wife will be forced (hopefully) to look around and fully see what she has created and destroyed. Exactly what you want.

Don't be surprised, no promises of course, if you both stop being enemies and decide to rebuild a whole new foundation.

So its good you tell exposure people that you need their help if there is to be any chance for your marriage.

You are doing great! Keep going.

Also, what are your current list of smoking guns?

Good idea about disguising the phone number. My backup plan is to call her on Wednesday during the day when he's at work. If I go over there, I would need the big friend to retrain me from going to town on him!

I don't think OMW has filed anything yet. I don't think that OM even knows that she has an attorney. I'm meeting with mine tomorrow and likely meeting with her attorney at some point tomorrow as well (they work at the same firm). I will let y'all know what the results are.

Thanks for the support everyone, I really appreciate it!! I think tomorrow will be a lot better, the truth getting out always makes things better, even if it's painful initially.

Gotcha. I do recall you posting that before. Good luck!!!


It sucks but it will be a huge relief to get the exposure over with.

Rusty: Don't be surprised if, after exposure, the waywards believe in "it's us against the world" scenario. Just be prepared and hold your ground. Good Luck.

I have a webpage of the various items, such as texts, evidence of secret phone lines on iPhones, receipts, etc. I've omitted one or two particularly personal details � such as the one about the physical evidence � but will provide it to the disbelievers.

Thank you for the support. I know I'm doing the right thing with the exposure in general, I'm still a little hesitant about the job exposure. But I'm only telling their boss and the HR person, in hopes that they will handle it discreetly and not fully ruin their careers. But if that happens, it was ultimately their decision to get involved in such a stupid game and i won't accept blame for it.

I would advise you NOT to ONLY tell the boss and HR person. If only a few know, then it becomes easy to sweep under the rug or ignore.
If you are going to do the work exposure, it must hit the target as well. You must get it to several important folks (vice presidents, HR managers, HR directors, HR vice presidents, Chief Counsel, etc)

They are both pretty high-level so their boss is the head of the organization. I don't know that they have a chief counsel. And I don't think I'd mind if it was "swept under the rug" if the affair ended and they were separated -- I don't want their careers to be ruined, just that they not work together.

Here's the email I'm planning on sending:


I'm still refining it, and debating whether to expressly state that if we to reconcile, the affair must end, like I do in my emails to friends and family.

I write to alert you to the fact that WW and OM are carrying on an sexual affair and have been for some time. I am not sure whether the affair predated WW's promotion to <fancy title> and what role OM had in that decision. I do know that on their recent <Organization-paid> trip to <city> for the <Organization's> conference, they shared a hotel room and evidence of "opportunity and inclination" was discovered by a hired private investigator hired by OM's wife. I have amassed additional evidence of the affair, going back as far as March of this year as well (and maybe earlier).

I understand that this likely presents a very difficult and sensitive situation for <Org> and I am sorry to be the messenger of the unpleasant news. Company resources and business trips have been used to carry on their affair. I realize that both WW and OM have worked very hard to get where they are today and are both excellent <workers> and leaders, but for this serious lapse in judgment. I trust that you will handle this situation in an appropriate manner and have attached documentation.
______________________________________________________

Don't soften the blow by mentioning how hard they have worked. It is irrelevant.

I am certainly not an expert in language/content for such a letter, but it comes across as weak.

Do you realize that if you want to reconcile this marriage, your wife MUST leave that job!! It is a requirement!!!
They can't continue to work together, she can't be at the same office or company.
You and her will be forever triggered and be crippled in your marriage.

So back to the point, ruining their careers is not your fault.
They chose to ruin their own careers by carrying on like a couple teenagers.

Part of exposing is getting the wayward to feel and realize the consequences of their own actions. By trying to cushion the consequences you are enabling.

NebDane, I agree with your points, except that I don't care which one of them leaves (i.e. if he leaves the job and she stays, I'm fine with that). I was thinking of adding something to that extent at the end. I also know that their company is very strict and risk-averse and will want to act on this.

But I see your point about enabling. I have told her several times (and she told me) that it would be really stupid to have an affair with her boss. I guess she was too "in love" to follow her own advice.

I agree that whole part about how great of employees they are makes it seem like you are trying to talk them out of taking action, which completely defeats the goal of exposing in the first place!

I would not add anything about which one leaves.
Your wife needs to leave.
She will be triggered by seeing his office, or going to the same event where they were at last year, or seeing his parking spot, or any other thing.
You will be triggered everytime she goes to work at the same place wondering if she is thinking of him, etc.

Read up on Triggers, they are powerful and will haunt you and her if you don't take EP.

My concern is if she leaves, she may have a hard time finding a job in this area, and she would have to move (if she still wants to divorce, which she may very well want) and then either I have to move or the child custody issue becomes very complicated.

I do see the point about triggers, but their company has many offices and they usually didn't see each other at work, it was mostly afterwork dinners and meetings. But I see the point and will read up on triggers.

Thank you all for the advice. I've firmed up the letter.

Add to the letter: Mrs. OMW is aware of the ongoing affair between my wife and her husband.

That way they know OMW knows. If any of these people have met OMW they may have to look her in the face at some point or may worry about her contacting them or talking to other employees or "corporate wives" as well if they don't do anything. Don't leave wiggle room.

Rusty

Whether you want to remain married or not it is best you assert you want try to protect your family, your young children from this affair. It's OK to put one foot in front of the other and at least act and take action to protect the marriage and later assert you do not care go salvage. Allow yourself the choice anyway and assert today to protect both your marriage and family. You don't want you WE to bring this guy around your children. They have abused their roles and authority. They can't be trusted in the organization. They cannot be trusted together with your children. Close the loop.

Rusty, you are going into "what if" territory. There is no crystal ball. Deal with the here and now vs making up possible scenarios that may never happen.

Also, what would be a catchy title for the email to the boss? "Misconduct between WW and OM"?

You are shielding your wife from the consequences of the affair. Moving, finding a new job, custody issues, all will be due to HER actions of the affair. Yes they are real, difficult, crappy, painful. These are the things she MUST realize, DO NOT ENABLE.

All true. But some of it (custody) makes my life more difficult if I have to move to see the kids! Or maybe not -- I may propose a fresh start to her when I confront her tonight.

It is often very difficult for a parent to pick up and move when there are children of the marriage. The courts very much frown upon it unless the other parent is an absentee parent.

How about just straight out "OM and WW's Workplace Affair"

I'd avoid bland (legal) words. Get straight to the meat of it.

Or you could say: "Help Needed: OM and WW's Workplace Affair"

You are asking them for help to break it up.

Rusty, I would title it "workplace affair between my wife and her boss."

But have you met with the attorneys yet and picked up the evidence?

What is the plan today?

Like the "help needed!!"

I am meeting with the attorney this afternoon and will hopefully get to view the evidence. Even if not, I think I have enough to go on (including, if need be, the test of the physical evidence) so I plan to expose this evening, while she is away from her phones with the kids for bedtime. I will call her parents, sisters and grandmother, the rest will just get the email.

I will get info about the OMW and may call her tonight or, more likely tomorrow during the day.

I am bracing for the response to the tsunami. I have no idea what will happen except for the fact that I will tell WW that I know, that I'm not moving out and I'm no longer sleeping in the basement (she can if she wants to). And I will remain calm, because I'm no longer "truth-seeking" as our therapist said, but I know the truth and nothing she can say can change that.

The emails are all drafted in my Gmail folder, all that remains is to hit "Send." The website is ready as well, I've had my family (who knows) look at it and they think it's effective without seeming petty or spiteful.

I am sure WW will flip her lid when she realizes the extent of the people who know.. But that's the point, right? To shock her back into reality and out of the "fog." Hopefully she won't be able to run to OM since his wife should be on alert too.

I don't think it's a good idea to wait until she is with the children in the evening. Do you have family close by to watch your kids?

And I think it would be more effective to send the nuke during work hours.

That sounds perfect. AS you can imagine, she will be furious. Just expect it and don't react. I want to emphasize your plan to expose to the OMW as soon as possible. She can be a valuable ally in the process.

We are still in the same house so I am not worried about the kids once they go to sleep (around 8:15pm), she and I can discuss things. I imagine she will start getting a lot of phone calls and emails by then. I can't do it earlier because I'm meeting with the attorney before then.

Yes, I am sure she will be furious. I will do my best not to react, I think it will be easier than our previous conversations because I know the truth and there's not much else she can say or do that will challenge that. The truth is liberating in that way.

I will reach out to the OMW. I will try to get more info from her attorney as well, who I may meet today also.