Hey Luna,

I have been away from the boards for a little while. How are you holding up? Hope you are staying dark...............

I am staying dark. The last few days have been horrible. I've been having panic attacks and thinking super dark, desperate thoughts. I think I'll request upping the AD's when I see the Dr. Thursday.

I so do not want a divorce, I miss my husband terribly and wish I could take back everything that happened this summer. I even miss the stupid fantasy football that we used to fight over the first two years of our marriage.

Think a lot of this has been triggered by facing moving all of my stuff here. It is the last thing I want to do, but I'm sure I'll be doing it anyhow. It is enough to make my brain explode.

School is holding up really well. I have talked to two teachers, and while I am proud of my work so far this year, I have been a little wiffle-waffly in one class and they are understanding. I've also cut down thesis work (read: "alone" work) this quarter in favor of being around other people in classes.

Thanks for asking. I'm here every day nearly, reading and learning...

What self-care are you doing?

If getting your stuff is making you so miserable just leave it. What's more important: Luna's clothes or Luna?

I have a friend who moved just a few hundred miles and she only took a weekend bag.

It's crazy to spend money on transport when you could use that dough on a whole new wardrobe.

Anything of substantial value your lawyer can address.

It is not the stuff per say, just the letting go of the place up there. It is the walking away from the future I thought I had.

I'm responsible for the rent up there (H is off the lease). It would be a lot of money to have everything up there and have a place here too. I could do it, but what's the point? I feel like I would be the ultimate cake eater supporter if I maintained 'our' apartment in case he changes his mind.

He changes his mind, he can come to me. I know this intellectually. Having it sink to to a visceral level is where I need to get...

The thought of leaving everything and starting over is somewhat tempting, but I am not ready quite yet to walk away from all that personal history (and stuff).

My self care is getting a place here. I have yet to sign the lease, but it is drawn up and approved. I need my own space. My roommate is nice, but she burns incense constantly and it is making me physically ill. She also has three pets and the smell of the cat box in bathroom is so unpleasant...

Getting a place I'm comfortable is my biggest push right now.

I remember this stage well and it actually leads you into quite a great life changing mind set.

You come to acknowledge that no plan is set in stone. That life can change in a second no matter how much you have invested in a situation.

You discover how that's really quite OK. That you not only survived it but thrived. That from now on you'll always have a back up plan, hoping for the best but prepared for the worst.

Talking of plans I like your self care plan, but I would consider that a medium term goal. Your long term goals are important but perhaps nothing is so important as the short term in getting you through this very roughest part of plan B.

Things like what can make you happier in the next half hour or day.

Okay, Plan Luna it is!

This is a wonderful Plan

**edited**

My husband's brother was killed in a car accident today. He sent a message to my IM just a little bit ago. I phoned him and emailed but he is not responding (might be on the phone). He told her he is with friends and being supported (a state away).

This is a nightmare. What do I do?

Never mind. I tried. I got "I appreciate your care, but I'm dealing with this with friends." Forget that this was a person that was part of my family too for four years...

Sorry for your loss.

Now will you get back into a dark Plan B?

STOP CALLING YOUR HUSBAND!!!

He doesn't care about you or your feelings! You are only setting yourself up for rejection over and over.

I got that message loud and clear.

This all was after a day of him being a jerk and trying to get me to do something pronto so he could complete moving the phones, an issue from three weeks ago. I was BUSY, living my life, and when I finally got the message to him through my IM (less than twenty four hours later), he was making other demands on something that was not relevant and again didn't need to be done right away. I was shaking yesterday afternoon, and that was doing plan B. He does something to try to upset me every ten days it seems like clockwork. THIS IS WHEN I AM STAYING AWAY.

Then this happened. Sorry, I was really upset and shocked and acted the way I would want someone to act if my brother died. I freaked.

luna,

I think your IM may be forwarding too many of his messages.
Can you send her here and ask her to read the IM Training Thread?

I'll ask. If it's too much for her time right now, do people here ever do it?

Your IM should take a good look through the IM Training Thread Here. If she has further questions, she can register and ask questions in the Other Topics forum. She sounds willing but needs some coaching in how to be effective for you in Plan B. I've read that being an IM is pretty easy once they figure out what's spam and what to pass on to you.

Luna I am so sorry for your loss and your H's response, I would have thought of he told your IM then he wanted you to know and wanted your condolences, but it appears he is still just angry that you "messed" up his life.

Please do not do anything he asks you to do until things are filed and legally done you don't have to do anything he just wants you to do, don't make out ready for him and think about yourself.

Take care of yourself

SC

I'm glad I'm not the only one that thought that. The last thing I saw before turning the forwarding back on was an email signed 'love, H'. It was weird, but I'm not putting much weight into it since he just arrived home and was probably related to seeing his folks and thoughts I might call them.

Per my mom's instructions, I did not call his family. I'll send them sympathy cards but no contact otherwise.

Things in H's life might fall apart rather quickly here, so my family is pushing me to get the D done quickly before he decides to come after me for support or other things. Think that is probably for the best.

So what did I do for plan Luna this weekend? Talked to several friends, went for a walk with my old roommate this morning, managed to get some homework done and am continuing to push forward. I am now late on an assignment, but my kindness to myself is to keep working on it and not go into self beating up mode for lack of promptness. This is very unlike me (the lateness), but dang it, I am doing the best I can right now and that is just going to have to be good enough. For everybody. And it is.

Not that I'm going to stop trying for better, but some slack and self love is needed here. I get enough blame elsewhere.