Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 16 of 68 1 2 14 15 16 17 18 67 68
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 991
P
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 991
Will do. I also filed a police report, but I am going to journal everything


Me: 38, have been divorced for 4 years
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,708
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,708
Good for you filing a report.

It shows that you have boundaries of acceptable behavior in your life and he crossed one.







Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
My wife came home once, and I was in the bedroom (door locked)...she also kicked it in and broke the entire latching assembly.

Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 991
P
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 991
This gives me huge pause. He is now both emotially and physically abusive. I'm not sure this can be put back together at all.

A year ago, I would have never believed that what is happening now was even possible. We were happy (or so I thought).


Me: 38, have been divorced for 4 years
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,311
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,311
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
My wife came home once, and I was in the bedroom (door locked)...she also kicked it in and broke the entire latching assembly.

It's like the person you entrusted your life to became a zombie in an instant, ain't it? Sad, sad, sad.

Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,708
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,708
Only time will tell if your marriage can recover.

Affairs ARE abusive....in every way. Your WH is railing against loss of control of you and OW and the situation. You are showing you have zero tolerance for abuse.

Do not try to project what will happen later. Just take steps now to keep out of the abusive cycle and to be in Plan B and its environment of self care and protection.







Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108
You need to file for separation or divorce ( I would file for D) and also file for a Restraining Order ASAP. Without court orders you will continue to twist in the wind. You can ask for the move too. The text from OW (admitting to an affair with your WH) and your WH getting physically violent works in your favor.

Do not delete any texts, emails, etc from POS OW or her enablers. A BS should keep all affair evidence. It is foolish to toss it since it can help your case.

Sorry for the continued hurt, PW.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 991
P
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 991
Yeah, this has just gone too far. I'm not sure what he imagines is going to happen now, but it's definitely not good. I've given him every opportunity to do better. I'm doing all I csn to have an effective plan B, and he keeps getting around it and begins fighting with me. He doesn't respect boundaries at all.

Well, I'm getting a restraining order against him. At least that will keep me in an affective plan B while I sort things out.


Me: 38, have been divorced for 4 years
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 991
P
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 991
I may need to wait to file for divorce until I get to my new county, but I will file a restraining order.

My in-laws keep contacting me, which I think is unproductive at this point. They are of limited help. They don't understand the fog so it's not a good idea to be in contact with them.


Me: 38, have been divorced for 4 years
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Well handled. Please make sure you secure your home and let your landlord know he used those keys for violent purposes.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 991
P
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 991
So my IM finally told me that what he was trying to tell me is that he would let us leave and then follow us later. I realize that this would allow him to continue his affair, but my goal is to leave at this point. Now I don't think he will agree to it.


Me: 38, have been divorced for 4 years
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108
Originally Posted by PigletWiglet
So my IM finally told me that what he was trying to tell me is that he would let us leave and then follow us later.

Why didn't your IM tell you this? crazy


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 552
Z
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 552
I would question the truth of this. You have a habit of feeling regretful because of your part in this, forgetting that fighting an affair and snapping a wayward out of the fog is maddening. He KNOWS how to make you feel like it's all your fault.

Maybe he told your IM this AFTER the confrontation knowing you would feel terrible? Just like waywards say "I was thinking of working it out until you exposed!!" Now he says he just wanted to tell you you could move? If that's what he wanted you to know, why get so NUTS about it?

This sounds like just another manipulation tactic on his part to get through your plan b. I don't buy for a second that he came over to your apartment and tried to break the door down just to tell you you could move away. That doesn't make any sense.

Anticipate manipulation, gas lighting and hysteria from him. He knows how to push your buttons and disempower you.

Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 991
P
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 991
She just told me that he is willing to move/explore moving if I talk to him about how it would work. I gave him my terms, so there is nothing to talk about. Should that be my response?


Me: 38, have been divorced for 4 years
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 991
P
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 991
She just told me that he did message her ahead of the incident.

I agree Zibbles. He was saying, "I'm trying to help you. You have to talk to me." But got super angry. I told him, "you are still in contact with your affair partner." And then he said, "are you planning to take our daughter without my consent?" All I said was, "you'll hear from my lawyer. I'm not breaking any laws." As he was leaving the room, I went to shut the door and he starting saying,"this is my family." I said, "you are still having an affair!" And that's when he kicked the door.

So he came over to tell me to move and then got mad that I was...trying to move. It makes no sense as usual. So now she messaged me that he is willing to move IF I talk to him.


Me: 38, have been divorced for 4 years
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108
Originally Posted by PigletWiglet
So now she messaged me that he is willing to move IF I talk to him.

I would take him up on this. He can meet you at your attorney's office to talk (with your attorney present) and sign the agreement giving his consent for you to move...signing being done first of course.

There is nothing that needs to be talked about face-to-face. Your IM could even tell WH to email his specific questions to her. She can then send the email directly to your attorney and your attorney can discuss it with you. I have been an IM and have sent email directly to the attorney vs the BW.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 991
P
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 991
He is saying now that he is willing to move with us, not just willing to let is move.


Me: 38, have been divorced for 4 years
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108
Originally Posted by PigletWiglet
He is saying now that he is willing to move with us, not just willing to let is move.

That doesn't change what I posted before. If he is going to move "with" you then he can still sign an agreement that you have his permission to move with DD or that it's his intention to move with you...whatever. If he emailed this to IM then ask your attorney if that is enough to give you the green light to move to SoCal. I wouldn't worry about whether he moves. The main thing is you and DD can get out of there. Don't get bogged down with this has to be some agreed upon possible Recovery. Let him think whatever he wants but I would take this chance to get out of NoCal.

Last edited by black_raven; 10/26/14 02:01 PM.

BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 991
P
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 991
Gotcha. Any other possible courses of action. I could file the restraining order, but it might be just better to get him to agree and leave it alone or do both. I need to talk with my attorney tomorrow. His door breaking happened, but the police told me that it will probably not be pursued given that there were no witnesses. smirk


Me: 38, have been divorced for 4 years
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108
What won't be pursued? The restraining order or charges?

Talk to your attorney tomorrow about the move and if his email is enough...and also the restraining order, etc.

Last edited by black_raven; 10/26/14 08:39 PM.

BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
Page 16 of 68 1 2 14 15 16 17 18 67 68

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (NewEveryDay), 1,357 guests, and 77 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5