We frequently get guys and gals here who would be totally DANGEROUS for their spouse to try to recover a marriage with. And if we think that about somebody, there's a good chance we're right. And if you listen to the suggestions that are made, there's a good chance that you can CHANGE the kind of person you are so that you will be a husband who is a wonderful presence in your wife's life.

There's a giant red flag to me in the way you minimized your destructive acts, by saying that your destruction "started two weeks ago" when really this has been going on for a long time. Husbands who verbally minimize the damage their behavior is doing like that are usually not very good for their wives. I'm not going to be shy about saying so, and I suggest you not talk like that and focus on being more aggressively honest with us, yourself, and your wife. If that makes me annoying or discouraging or whatever, so be it.

As for being discouraged, hey, it's your marriage - if you don't want to use the resources that can help you, it's your choice. It seems to me it'd be a lot easier to just click "ignore" and focus on the constructive things you need to be doing. How badly do you want to recover your marriage? I'd suggest you focus on that rather than trying to straighten everybody else out. Get that beam out of your eye, and then look around at the motes in everybody else's eyes.

Where is the ignore button?

What has been unconstructive? You seem to have heeded everyone's advice here.

DavidInRemorse,

Does you BW feel you treat people outside the family better than you treat her?

Whatever you do, do not blame anyone other than yourself or any event in your past. Do not minimize.

God Bless
Gamma

Why are you asking about this when you need all the advice that is being offered here?

I thought you were here for help to change your behaviour. Is finding the "ignore" button your priority?

Clarification: for my bachelor party I decided to not do the strip club thing and insisted on doing so with my guy friends and after several drinks my guy friends convinced me otherwise, but it was my fault for letting them. After that night it changed me by the way I see myself. It really damaged me and my bride to be. Even though she forgave me I didn't forgive myself. my internet porn problem has been an on again off again over the course of our marriage. About 7 yrs ago it graduated to a online relationship that we never met, then the last 3 times was the trolling for hoes that I never met up with. Any comment in this was not minimize what I did if I am coming across that way. I wish more than anything that I relive that night differently. My wife is an amazing woman and want to change to be the husband she deserves and then some. I keep making the same making the same stupid mistakes and it is insanity that I am completely responsible. I am so tired of naming these mistakes and hurting my wife for being so selfish. Part of me thinks she really would be better off without me. I still feel that I should fight to beat this. I don't see my life without her worth anything.

I am perplexed by this David. I reread through your short thread and there has not been one single comment that seems harsh. Every post was made with information with which to try to help you. If you really want to change, you need to stop being so defensive and refocus your energy on the very large task at hand.

It is true that some of the most helpful posts are the ones that hit a sore spot. You may not see it at the time, but if you do truly change your way of thinking and living, you will in time see that those hard knocks were exactly what you needed.

Your wife would not come to speak on your thread, but rather start a thread of her own for support for her. This is an amazing place to get support after such devastating news.

Have you given her a link to the forum or suggested this site to her?

I sent her a link but she said she is not interested. My next agenda is to schedule the polygraph and a full std check to create transparency. I know I don't need an std check because I never took it to anything physical, but I know that is what needs to be done to create the transparency. All communication is over text with her and not sure what else to do or say at this point. What should I do next?

I would schedule a polygraph and tell her you want to get the full truth out there. Write her a complete narrative story about your affairs. Just get the full truth out there now, no more bs, no glossing, no more withholding, no excuse making about not wanting to "hurt her. " You have one chance to do a doc dump and come clean and then I predict you will never have another chance again. No matter how disgusting or how painful to her you think the truth will be, all the truth needs to come out.

Give her a chance to ask any question before the test. Then she can decide what questions she wants asked on the test.

David, buddy, I say this to you in all kindness ...

Knock it off.

You are not the one who is hurt and damaged by such behavior; your wife is. Being a drama queen about how much you damaged and degraded yourself is not going to help recover your marriage. It's not going to make her believe you or take you back. It's not going to make you attractive to her - it's going to make you completely unattractive to her.

She's the hurt one; she's the victim. Don't act like a victim, or a drama queen. Yes, you degraded yourself, but that pales in comparison to the offense that you caused your victim, your wife. When you go on about YOURSELF and how much you are supposedly hurting or injured, it shows a massive lack of empathy for the victim that you are hoping to reconcile with.

As I said, we call 'em like we see 'em, here - a wayward who is talking about how "hurt" he is by his disgraceful behavior or how he cannot "forgive himself" is pretty much always making an excuse to himself as to why he can't do something that his victim needs him to do.

So let's cut the excuse making and focus on doing the work. Take phrases like this out of your vocabulary.

No drama queen - you're a guy!

Invest a little bit of effort, and you can find it. Show some initiative!!

The important thing is not whether you "intend" to minimize or not. The important thing is to learn NOT to minimize.

Compare with this:
The important thing is not whether you intended to step on your wife's foot - the important thing is to learn to avoid stepping on her foot!

Some of what you are saying is still minimizing, and we'll gladly point that out for you so you can learn to avoid it!


I am sure that if you invest the effort needed to become a wonderful man for her, you will find that your life is a lot more wonderful than you expected! Generally speaking, the changes that a wife wants/needs from her husband are a good thing for him, too. (I know it was for me!!)

I should clue you in to the fact that I was quite the drama queen myself when I got here. But I had to drop all that, and you need to drop it, too.

It's not about your pain - it's about your victim's pain. YOU will stop hurting, and will be able to forgive yourself, when you have rendered compensation for the wrong you have done her, by becoming something far, far better for her.

Thanks MelodyLane for the response. I have looked into the polygraph services and the format of the test questions are worded by the examiner. They have categories of what you want to know the truth. I am trying to see if the doc dump can still be incorporated in that and to recall everything and all details that span over the past 12 1/2 yrs. An all detail and dates of occurrences may not be a probable answer because I do not remember all the dates of occurrences. I could guesstimate time frames or come up with the specifics of my indiscretions, such as "have you ever had physical intercourse with any else besides your wife or while you were dating?" My truthful answer is no. The questions need to be concisely worded better than what I have to not allow the mind to find a loop hole.

Markos I'm confused. You first said I wasn't taking on enough responsibility then I do and you call me a drama queen. I want to be held accountable and do see a lot of valid advice you have but I do not see how calling me a drama queen to be conducive or appropriate.

Thank you Markos for clarifying that you were in a similar boat I am in now. It definitely makes your comments more valuable, warranted, and palatable instead of just being a judgmental and immature. You may want to consider putting that out there at the end a very harsh comment for the first time, because there may be some that would have just said the heck with this site. Also, do you go to SAA? I have tried it before for a few months but stopped, which I am regretting.

You take on responsibility with actions, not words and definitely not with "I just can't forgive myself" comments. This is the drama that is being referred to, and it will be repulsive to your wife.

More actions, less words.

I'd suggest you stop being so quick to judge those who are posting to you.

Wild horses could not drag away a wayward who was serious about recovery, much less a few comments on an anonymous website.

Instead of bristling, listen to the comments you find the harshest. They are probably the ones you need to hear the most.