SAA? No, I was a drama queen, not a sex addict! I did go through a couple of anger management programs.

Something you might want to consider is that sexual appetite is not wrong until it is exercised in a way that hurts your spouse.

I did my work on my sexual nature years ago, before I was married. I learned to avert my eyes when I found that what I was looking at was sexually arousing, out of the belief that I wasn't entitled to receive that kind of pleasure until I was married, and then only from my spouse. It was a new habit I built - see something sexy, look away. That fixed most of the problems. It's kind of like what Dr. Harley describes as an "extraordinary precaution" to avoid an affair, only in this case what I made up my mind I wanted to avoid was indulging my sexuality as a single (and later indulging it with someone besides my wife).

The habit is still there today, fourteen years later.

This is the update: Markos u have a link to SAA in your posts that is why I asked u. I actually talked to my wife over the phone for about an hour which up to this point has all been text. I am not sure how to word this so this doesn't sound like it is all about me. I am trying to lay the facts out. The conversation went first with the why question. I told her that there is no excuse what I did but the why was so stupid and was based on emotions. So I told her the why was because we were not having sex after many attempts, but why would she? I have been lacking giving her the intimate conversation and making her feel valued. After looking at all of the areas my wife was not getting her needs met I can see she was at a much higher risk for an affair than I was, but she never did. She really is amazing. I got a little side tracked. The rest of the conversation was I told her that I have ordered a new phone, all computers here have passwords and going to set up a polygraph she said "I don't care what else u did. What I know is enough to kick u out. I'm not interested in making this work. We are done. " She told me about the kids and funny things they said and we actually laughed together. Something I thought was a small step for improvement, but then we got back on the subject of how she didn't want to make this work. It ended with I am watching the kids tomorrow while she goes to the dr. Appt for the ultrasound. She has told me she is not sure if she is going to keep it or not and is not allowed to go to any appts.
How do I act or say and how do I handle this? I want to know what to do next. Should I still do the polygraph? I feel like I should.
What do I need to do to show my actions are louder than my words that I want to change. SAA?

Yes, I'd go ahead and do the polygraph, and everything else. Stay the course.

Meanwhile, when she says she doesn't want to make the marriage work, try to just sound accepting. That is her choice to make, after all. Be friendly and fun to be around and be good for her - if you were her girlfriend right now you'd be supporting her as she deals with the pain her husband has caused her. Become the friend who will support her that way, and you will be on the right track to becoming irreplaceable in her life again.

The fact that she laughed is good - try to keep the conversation positive and enjoyable, every chance you get.

As for "why" - you were seeking your own pleasure, but you now realize what a big mistake that was, because it hurt her more than anything else could have possibly hurt her. Stick to that answer, and then try to move on to another subject.

Regardless of whether she wants to work on your marriage, or cares at all about what EP's you are following, you should do them anyway.

For one, if you don't, you will have completely and totally sealed the deal for yourself. She will never reengage, and if she came here we would advise her not to.

And the second reason is, is this the man you want to be? The lying, sneaking, cheating kind of man? The kind of man who trolls the internet for free porn and hookups with nasty ho's? Of course it is not. This is not the kind of man you want to be, so it is in YOUR best interest as well to change your own habits and make it near impossible for you to continue in this path.

Yes, continue with all of the things you have put into place, including the polygraph. Have a copy of the questions and results sent to her. Write out a detailed timeline of your adultery, and keep it for now. She may be totally disgusted with you and not want it now, but that could change in the future.

In addition to implementing EPs, you are also in Plan A. This means you are going to START meeting those needs for your wife that you say you have been failing on.

That is a link to Dr Harley's (and his daughter Dr Jennifer Chalmers) book Surviving an Affair. It even says that in markos's signature. It is nothing to do with sex addicts - as if someone would advertise that in their signature and say "come and join"!

I am suggesting two separate things. First off, you will need to have a doc dump and a question and answer session BEFORE the polygraph. I am not suggesting incorporating that into the pg because the pg only validates yes or no. It doesn't divulge details.

So you should divulge all the details BEFORE the test. THEN your wife will decide what she needs to know which will determine the actual polygraph questions.

Thanks MelodyLane, I will do the doc dump and the polygraph. My wife said she doesn't want to know more and says I am wasting my time with a polygraph she doesn't care. After it is done I will ask her if she wants the results or doc dump. If she has additional questions to have answered I have no problem doing a second polygraph. Actually, depending on how things go I may consider doing one every 3 months for a year or two. A poly is about $150-300 which is a good chunk of change but if it helps me to break the cycle from hurting my wife it is well worth it. I don't want to find myself in this position again.

Update: conversations with wife are getting better, but still keeps going back to my betrayal which is expected. The other topic is my continued problem with listening and remembering, which has been an ongoing problem. Does anyone have any recommendations for resources to help with this such as books, programs, etc?

Can you be more specific? I don't understand what you mean.

The best thing I know to help with remembering is writing stuff down. I carry unruled white notecards in my pocket and try to make notes and lists for myself. I'm sure the cool kids today have a more technical solution.

I have really noticed my memory declining this past year, and I expect it is only going to get worse.

As far as listening - read and practice the four friends of good conversation, and avoid the four enemies of good conversation. And address your wife's complaints by learning to avoid behaviors that bother her and adopt behaviors she likes. If you do that - she will feel listened to!

You can read about the friends and enemies of good conversation in the Conversation chapter of His Needs, Her Needs. In this case be sure you are reading the latest edition, the 2010 edition, because the material was expanded and is much more helpful compared to earlier editions, IMO. There is also an earlier version of the information about the friends and enemies of good conversation online in this Q&A column:

Conversation

Clarification: An example. My wife told me the plan for tomorrow; "I need you to take our son to school tomorrow so be here at 7:40-7:45am. I am going to have Scott pick me up for the toys for tots benefit meeting. Then Jaime and I are going to take the kids to chuckie cheese. Then at 3:15pm I have my OB appt.
What I remember is be here to take our son to school by 7:45am, she was having Scott pick her up at 9am and appt is at 3:15pm for OB. I completely forgot about chuckie cheese. Then she said she will allow me to go to OB with her even though she didn't want me to go and to pick her and the kids up from chuckie cheese then we will go to OB together. I get into the car and was going to chuckie cheese and started thinking maybe she said OB. I kinda panicked and called her to check and she got upset because I didn't listen. Do u know of any resources to sharpen my listening skills and memory?

Thank you Markos, I will do that. The his needs her needs should be the most recent version. I bought it at booksMillion

Start writing things down. CArry a little notepad in your pocket and take notes. I take notes on my ipad [which you shouldn't have] for this very reason. It is an invaluable tool.

However, just because she asks you do things does not mean you have to agree. Plans need to be made in a mutual way, not a unilateral way.

oops! I see Markos beat me to the punch!

In the meantime, read through that article I linked to. I suggest that men trying to win back their wives read through that article daily, and try to practice daily, until they get it and are good at it. The goal should be to have fifteen hours a week of good conversation with your wife. Which is interesting to try to do when your wife doesn't want you to, but it can eventually be done, if you are working on everything else!

Conversation

Update: I am plan A and trying to keep things pleasant with conversation, writing important things down, and earnest to help my wife with whatever she needs. Anytime she brings up how I betrayed her I acknowledge what I did and how much I hurt her was one of the worst things I could have done to her. She keeps saying that if her being pregnant didn't stop me then nothing would. I have ceased all trolling. She said that I don't act remorseful. I'm not sure how to act.

You are not in Plan A. Plan A is used to show the wayward that the spouse is a soft place to land; it is also for exposure. Rather, you are in the position of trying to win back your betrayed wife.

Are you and your W doing enjoyable things outside the house? Do you and your wife ride bicycles or hike or other such activities? How about going to the gym together?

Are you being completely transparent with your wife? All passwords shared? Have you eliminated all the conditions and means that led to your trolling for women?

Don't argue with your wife or respond in kind. Be open and honest with her, gentle and kind.

Once a BS has all the details of the affair (s), it should not be brought up again. However, since you are here and your wife isn't it, then you could say something like, "Honey, I'm so deeply sorry for the pain I caused. You didn't deserve that, and I'm going to spend the rest of my life making it up to you by becoming the kind of husband I should have been all along." Then gently change the subject.

Recovery with both spouses on board takes about two years. Can you get your wife to post here?

I should have read through your thread before responding to your post. So you are still living at your parents home. Your Internet-less phone is on order. The poly done yet? Did you tell your parents everything and ask them for their help in keeping you accountable?

You have received lots of great help from other posters. Institute the suggestions, then keep doing them. Be very cooperative with your wife and as helpful as she will allow. Don't fight or argue with her. Don't blame her for your bad decisions, even in your own mind.

If your wife is seeking child support or spousal support, pay it. Make sure she has everything she needs to live a decent life.

Read up on the MB Basic Concepts, read the articles on this website, listen to the radio show, and read some of the threads. In short, become the kind of husband you should have been all along. Do this even though you are living apart from your wife.

Thank you for your response. I got the new phone and need to activate it. I requested a call from one of the poly offices, but need to follow up with that. I am being kind and helpful to my wife. I am paying all expenses and offered to do so, but she has been talking about getting her old job back. I have been supportive to her and even when she says it is over I still tell her I understand but it will not change my positive efforts. I feel I need to kick myself back into gear and get the poly done and activate the phone. I do not blame her for my actions and accept responsibility for my own actions. Thank u again for your advice