Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 3
S
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
S
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 3
Hello all, looking for a little advice to help us through a rocky patch in our marriage. I apologize in advance, there's a lot to tell, so this is going to be a VERY long post.

A little history of our relationship first..long story made very short.. husband and I met online when we were very young (14/15) and that friendship eventually led to love, and meeting in person (he's from England, I'm American), getting pregnant at 18, having our son, getting married, and being happily married another 7 years.

Now, I almost feel bad posting here, because reading through other peoples' marital issues makes ours seem fairly insignificant, nevertheless, we've both made mistakes and it's taken a toll and we need to find a way past it. We still love each other very much and are committed to staying married (divorce was not an option for either of us).

Firstly, just a couple years into our marriage, we went through a really rough time. We weren't very close. In hindsight, it was really my fault. By nature, I had a hard time showing affection, so although I loved my husband, I didn't show him enough, which left him feeling unloved and lonely. I didn't find out until this past weekend, but he found comfort talking about our problems to a mutual friend/co-worker, female, and that turned into a sexual situation. It lasted only a couple of weeks before apparently they realized it was wrong and ended it, but still, it happened. I truly believed he was not the kind of person who would do that, as he really is a wonderful person. I've been disappointed by all the men in my life I've trusted, after finding out every man I thought could never do such a thing (father, grandfathers, etc etc) all in fact had been unfaithful. My husband was the last man I trusted. He didn't tell me about the affair for that reason, knowing how much it would crush me. I knew something was going on between the two of them at that time, and I confronted the OW about it, and she lied and made me believe there was nothing going on and even offered relationship advice. Anyways, I am quick to forgive and move on, so our relationship healed and we moved on, putting all that behind us (bear in mind, I still had no idea about the affair). We've been very happily married for the last 5 or so years.

Now skip ahead to this past Saturday, when I get a random call from this "friend", whom I haven't spoken to in years, saying she had something important to tell me and asked if she could come to the house. I agreed and she stopped by with her current boyfriend. She told me that back then, when she said nothing was going on, something really was. When I asked how far it'd gone, she admitted it was sexual, multiple times. Hearing that, my world crashed around me. I wanted to crawl into a corner and die. He is my world..how could he have done that to me? She said, even after all this time, she wanted to clear her conscience..I have to wonder looking back, knowing who she is and her personality, if that's really why she told me. Anyways, I called him at work and asked him to come home right away. Again, to make a long story shorter, we talked about it, I've sobbed, he's genuinely remorseful, hates himself for what he did, told me he never actually had feelings for her or was attracted to her..it was just mindless sex, he knows what he did was beyond wrong, answered every little question I had, promised it would never happen again and that he still loves me very much and wants to be with me for the rest of our lives. Now, it took me a few days, but I (perhaps from being a Christian) am quick to forgive and forget. It hurts, of course, if I stop and think about it, and terrible mental images of him being intimate with her try to flash through my mind from time-to-time, but having forgiven him, I find I can flick those thoughts and images away if I try hard enough, and I truly have forgiven him and have moved past it.

Now the real issue. I am guilty, too. In comparison, what he did could be considered much worse, but what I did is what we're having trouble moving past. His affair was physical, "mine" was "emotional", I guess. I have a YouTube channel, and a couple of years ago, I began commenting on videos from another guy in the same YouTube community. He was a very friendly guy and over time, we became somewhat friends. It never went further than comments on videos, but looking back, I realize my comments were inappropriately flirty (calling him handsome, saying how I wish I could be there, etc). I developed minor feelings for this guy, not love, and really just wanted to see if he'd like me. The thing is, I carried on these comments until earlier this year (before I realized how stupid and inappropriate they were and stopped, and willfully ended my feelings for him), and during the whole time, my husband and I had a REALLY good relationship (I've worked hard on my ability to show affection, especially lately, to a point where all was great), and I knew he was still the one for me and I loved him dearly. When we were discussing his affair the other day, we were being honest with each other, and I told him about the feelings for this other guy. Even though it is over, and I've severed all contact with this OM, my hubby is having a really hard time letting it go. Understandably. I realized that what I did to him is every bit as bad as what he did to me, because, although it doesn't completely justify it, our marriage was having major issues back when he had his affair, but while I was carrying out my internet "crush", we were perfectly happy. He understandably thinks that I must have been missing something from our relationship that I had to go online and find with someone else, but the truth is, and I've thought about it long and hard, there was nothing missing. My husband was giving me everything I wanted and more. I was initially drawn to this OM because he played piano beautifully, and I've always respected a man who can play piano, and he was a fellow Christian (how Christian-like of us to flirt back and forth, I sadly realized..), unlike hubby. So perhaps, deep-down, those were the things I was "missing", but I don't think so, because it never bothered me that DH didn't play piano (he plays guitar beautifully), and I love him unconditionally even as a non-Christian.
I am BEYOND remorseful about what I did and how badly it has and is hurting my DH. I hate myself for what I did and wish I could take it all back. In fact, when our arguing (well, his yelling, my crying..I am not a fighter) came to a head a couple of nights ago, and I realized how awful what I'd done was, during the time we were a happy couple and having thoughts that this was it..I'd ruined everything..and I might lose him, my body physically couldn't handle it. I went blind (temporarily), felt like I was going to faint, arms went numb, stomach was contracting trying to get my to be sick (but I hadn't eaten in 3 days due to the stress and had nothing in my stomach to bring up), went cold (temp dropped suddenly to 95), and spaced out, mostly aware of what was going on around me but not being able to focus or respond. I felt like I was dying. That really scared hubby and he ended up rushing me to the Emergency Room. I was diagnosed with a panic attack (first time in my life I've had one). Since then, we go through periods of being our normal, happy selves (cuddling, being intimate, acting like we did before all this came out), but then DH gets quiet and distant and obviously upset when what I did pops back in his head. He says he has a hard time letting things go, unlike me, and, although he's forgiven me, he just needs time to be ok. We're still committed to our marriage and wouldn't even think of ending it (actually, we've been trying to have another child for the last 7 years, but have been REALLY trying this last month since he's come home from military training and, in our periods of being normal/happy, decided we still want to try), but his periods of being upset are putting a big wedge in our relationship. Also, since my panic attack, my body hasn't recovered and every time he gets upset again, especially if he brings up how good we were while this (flirting) was going on, and I feel like this may be the time I lose him, my body starts to shut down again and I get short of breath, dizzy, spacey, and my heart starts racing/fluttering/skipping beats. I've lost over 6 lbs in a matter of days over this. I don't think I can take much more, physically and emotionally. I physically feel like, if the "arguments" get worse than our talking and crying again, my heart may give out, and I'm not sure I'd have the will to pull through.

How can I help him truly forgive and forget so we can put this behind us and get back to the wonderful us we were, even just a week ago?

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
Welcome to MB.

Have you read all of these?
Start Here First-SAA


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
Your marriage hasn't recovered from both of your affairs.

A couple of questions for you.

Was the OM married? Have either of you written NC letters to your affair partners? Have you both been tested for STD?

Have you both closed all avenues that allowed your affairs? Such as closing your YouTube account? Changed all contact information?

Is your Husband in the military?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
Originally Posted by BrainHurts

Please read this. Dr Harley does not believe in simply forgiving and forgetting. Your notion of this is the equivalent of sweeping your H's A under the rug, and doing nothing to protect your marriage from future affairs.

Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
Originally Posted by ShayBaby
In fact, when our arguing (well, his yelling, my crying..I am not a fighter) came to a head a couple of nights ago, and I realized how awful what I'd done was,

How often does your H have AO's like this?

Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
Flirting and having an internet 'crush' does not necessarily constitute an EA, specifically if you ended all contact with this person when you identified that you had feelings for him. I am not trying to minimize your poor boundaries with the opposite sex, or say that it was not hurtful to your spouse. You BOTH will need to implement EP's in your marriage to protect it from future A's.

My concern is that your post is very critical to yourself, and minimizes your WH's PA in a huge way. It seems by your last paragraph that he is having AO's and demonizing you for having poor boundaries with this man on the internet, to the point you are having panic attacks and are fearful of losing him. Yet at the same time, his PA is being swept under the rug.

I am concerned that he is using your confession about the internet 'crush' as a means to manipulate you away from dealing with his A, and is being abusive to you.

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,152
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,152
Originally Posted by unwritten
Flirting and having an internet 'crush' does not necessarily constitute an EA, specifically if you ended all contact with this person when you identified that you had feelings for him. I am not trying to minimize your poor boundaries with the opposite sex, or say that it was not hurtful to your spouse. You BOTH will need to implement EP's in your marriage to protect it from future A's.

My concern is that your post is very critical to yourself, and minimizes your WH's PA in a huge way. It seems by your last paragraph that he is having AO's and demonizing you for having poor boundaries with this man on the internet, to the point you are having panic attacks and are fearful of losing him. Yet at the same time, his PA is being swept under the rug.

I am concerned that he is using your confession about the internet 'crush' as a means to manipulate you away from dealing with his A, and is being abusive to you.

X100


me, DH
all the children
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 3
S
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
S
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 3
Thank you all for your input. It's greatly appreciated.

Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Welcome to MB.

Have you read all of these?
Start Here First-SAA
Thank you. Yes, I did read everything there.

Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Your marriage hasn't recovered from both of your affairs.

A couple of questions for you.

Was the OM married? Have either of you written NC letters to your affair partners? Have you both been tested for STD?

Have you both closed all avenues that allowed your affairs? Such as closing your YouTube account? Changed all contact information?

Is your Husband in the military?
No, the OM wasn't married. DH hasn't written a NC letter to the OW, but he near enough hates her now, and unfortunately has to see her fairly often at work. I haven't written a NC letter either, because 1) I never told OM I had feelings for him in the first place and 2) I cut off all contact without thinking of it. However, DH confessed that he got on my account and found OM's channel and wrote him himself ("as me" I suppose) asking him to never contact me again. I'm not upset with him for doing that. I should have thought to do it long ago.
I haven't been tested for STD yet, but that was one of my first questions to DH after I found out. He'd assumed they'd screened for them when he joined the AF but did some looking online to find out they didn't, so he made an appointment right then and there to be checked for me. Looks like all negative, thank God.
Like I said, it's hard for DH to completely lose contact for the time being because he still sees her at work sometimes, but, also like I said, he feels nothing but negative thoughts for her now. I haven't closed my YT account (we're still debating on that..I've offered to close it but DH says he doesn't want me to since the type of videos I made/have up are something I used to enjoy doing), but I've gotten rid of everything I could find involving OM, and blocked him.
And yes, DH joined the USAF National Guard earlier this year graduated from BMT just over a month ago. He's home for the winter before he'll have to ship back to tech training next summer for another 5 months or so.

Originally Posted by BrainHurts
That's one of the first things I read here on MB, but it must not have sank in well, so I'll go back and re-read until it does.

Originally Posted by unwritten
Originally Posted by ShayBaby
In fact, when our arguing (well, his yelling, my crying..I am not a fighter) came to a head a couple of nights ago, and I realized how awful what I'd done was,

How often does your H have AO's like this?
Not often. This particular one was the angriest I've ever seen him in his life. He is one of the type that cope with upsetting things by storming out and screaming/hitting/kicking things (it runs in his family). He is not abusive towards me, though, and rarely yells at me and would never lay a hand on me.

Originally Posted by unwritten
Flirting and having an internet 'crush' does not necessarily constitute an EA, specifically if you ended all contact with this person when you identified that you had feelings for him. I am not trying to minimize your poor boundaries with the opposite sex, or say that it was not hurtful to your spouse. You BOTH will need to implement EP's in your marriage to protect it from future A's.

My concern is that your post is very critical to yourself, and minimizes your WH's PA in a huge way. It seems by your last paragraph that he is having AO's and demonizing you for having poor boundaries with this man on the internet, to the point you are having panic attacks and are fearful of losing him. Yet at the same time, his PA is being swept under the rug.

I am concerned that he is using your confession about the internet 'crush' as a means to manipulate you away from dealing with his A, and is being abusive to you.
I've tried explaining that first bit, that a little "crush" wasn't as bad as he thinks it was (EA), but he doesn't believe it. Forgive me, but what does "EP" refer to? I don't see anything of it in the acronym/abrv guide. We have vowed to be open and honest with each other from now on, and promised we would do whatever it took to never hurt each other again, he's just having trouble coping with the thoughts that when he thought I was all his, I actually "wasn't all his", if you know what I mean. He doesn't have AOs, exactly, when he brings it up (every night), the talking stays calm and collected, but it still again rips open the wound I'm trying to heal. I'm not trying to minimize his PA, because it was obviously awful, I'm just capable of forgiving and moving on fairly easily. After I wrote down all the questions I had, down to the nitty-gritty details and thoughts in his head, regarding his PA, that he answered willingly, I was able to drop it. Perhaps it's not healthy that I let it go so easily, but I feel happier letting it go than dwelling on it.
I hadn't thought of it like that..that he's using "mine" as an excuse to "neutralize" "his", or not bring it up. I hope that's not the case, since he knows I've forgiven him.

Originally Posted by BrainHurts
I will read that right away, thank you.

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
Originally Posted by ShayBaby
Like I said, it's hard for DH to completely lose contact for the time being because he still sees her at work sometimes

Have you exposed this affair?

She works with him in the AF?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 3
S
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
S
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Originally Posted by ShayBaby
Like I said, it's hard for DH to completely lose contact for the time being because he still sees her at work sometimes

Have you exposed this affair?

She works with him in the AF?

I don't really understand how "exposing" works in this situation? Since it was done and over 5 years ago. He's not still seeing her. He despises her. In fact, he wanted to report their affair to his bosses, knowing that she would be the one getting fired or transferred, and I talked him out of it. No sense returning grief with grief. No one outside of those involved (family, friends, etc) know about it, if that's what exposure means, but we'd really rather no one know if possible.
And no, she's not in the AF. He's holding a temporary job as a bartender in an Applebee's until he returns to military tech training next summer. Well, he's been there for years, but had to leave and return after military basic training, just to have a way to bring home the bacon until he completes his tech training and can move on to his AF career. She has also worked at the Applebee's for years.

The last couple of days have passed with little mention of my "EA". Hopefully it stays this way, but I'm just waiting for the next time it pops in his head and we have to discuss it again. As for me, I'd managed to near enough completely move past his PA, but I had a particularly rough night last night, when it hit me hard that we were both each other's first and only intimate partners, and he threw that bond away like garbage when he slept with her..repeatedly. That thought made me physically ill. Going to have to find a way to move past this again.

Last edited by ShayBaby; 11/02/14 02:09 PM.
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,391
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,391
Quote
He is one of the type that cope with upsetting things by storming out and screaming/hitting/kicking things (it runs in his family). He is not abusive towards me, though, and rarely yells at me and would never lay a hand on me.

THIS... Is a very angry and abusive man.

How can you minimize this statement to yourself?

LTL

Last edited by LearnedTooLate; 11/02/14 02:57 PM.
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,152
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,152
It is very concerning, that you do not realize how ridiculous his anger about your minor crush is.

He had had a full-blown affair that was not properly exposed. No extraordinary precautions (EP) have been put in place to garantee that such a thing does not ever happen again. He is bartending and is going away for 5 months.

Men who have anger problems to an extent that they have to punch walls and the like are ticking time bombs. It will be only a matter of time before something really ticks him off and you become that wall. There is no guarantee that this will not happen. He is plainly abusive if he lets you have it because of the splitter in your eye, where he has an entire tree sticking out of his head.

Bartending is not exactly a job that has a good effect on your marriage and neither is the AF. The two of you should read surviving an affair and follow it to a T, but your husband will also have to work on his anger management for you to be safe.


me, DH
all the children
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 6,025
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 6,025
It matters not one bit that he despises and hates her (which is pretty convenient since she's the one that did you both a huge favor by giving you the gift of truth about your life and the ability to address this huge issue in your marriage....if she'd kept the secret your marriage would actually be in a worse place going forward).....it's very unfair to you for him to continue working with the woman he cheated on you with. It's a bartending job. There are other bartending jobs around town, aren't there?? Like I said, just seeing her continues their "relationship" whether it's hate, love, lust or despise...they still communicate with each other regarding work issues and look into each other's eyes from time to time. It's completely disrespectful for him to think that's OK.

What if you didn't talk to your online friend anymore but continued to play some app game like scrabble with the comments turned off? It's just not appropriate.

You can't truly recover your marriage until he's away from her.



FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered

"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
Originally Posted by ShayBaby
In fact, he wanted to report their affair to his bosses, knowing that she would be the one getting fired or transferred, and I talked him out of it. No sense returning grief with grief.

I think this is the first time I have ever heard a BW talk a WH OUT of exposing himself, so that the AP's could continue working together. At such an easy job to replace no less.

How about returning AN AFFAIR with NO CONTACT to prevent YOU from further grief? Why is the OW keeping her (very easy to replace) job more important than YOU keeping your marriage, and your physical and emotional well being?

Stop trying to be the bigger person here Shay, it is only going to cause further destruction. It is NOT serving to protect your marriage or yourself from further harm.

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.




Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,254 guests, and 50 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5