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Yes we are following the recovery program of Dr Harleys. We have put the EP in place and are working on spending the undivided attention with each other. He has started new job, new phone and new email address.

Now I just need to work on letting it go and not bringing it up again. Thats what I am afraid of most. Hanging on to that resentment.

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Originally Posted by how_to_believe
Yes we are following the recovery program of Dr Harleys. We have put the EP in place and are working on spending the undivided attention with each other. He has started new job, new phone and new email address.

Now I just need to work on letting it go and not bringing it up again. Thats what I am afraid of most. Hanging on to that resentment.

If you will follow this program diligently, you won't have resentment. Resentment comes when recovery is not complete. When you are happy in the present, the mind doesn't tend to go to the past.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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It's been a while since I posted so I thought I would give an update. We have been doing good. He has been reading Marriage Builders material with me and following the plan. We have been spending more time together but when certain dates or events come along, my mind goes back to that time. Remembering what he did and wondering how he could do it and does he really love me or just playing the game again.

I really had a hard time with his birthday last month. From the work emails I came across, I know that they were together the day before his birthday.(a year ago) I had made big plans to make it a special day. We even went shopping for a special outfit for me to wear...something he would love! The emails showed me they were still together just more underground. It's been a year but the doubt comes back.

Can someone attach the link from the show where my email was addressed? It was the August 12 show. I would like to listen again if possible.

I have been looking for someone's thread that has dealt with the same issues and how they got past them. The past obsessive lying still keeps doubts in my mind. I don't think he is lying now but wonder if he is still thinking of her at times. It just scares me. Sometimes when we are in bed she pops in my head. Not a great time for my mind to wonder there.

I think what bothers me the most is that he says he never loved her and he never stopped loving me. I hate that he says that. He treated me horrible during that time. He was pushing me away. He made me hate him. I don't like to think he could do that to me but still loved me. I don't know if he is lying to me or himself about beng in love with her(then). I think he loved her but can't admit it. And I think he stopped loving me and wanted to leave. If he can't admit to himself how close he was to walking away from our marriage whats to keep it from happening again. Maybe he doesn't realize how dangerous that affair was to our marriage.

Can any WS tell me what goes on in your mind during something like that? Do you think about your lover once your are back with your spouse...once you've decided it was mistake? Should he admit to me what his feelings were during that time? Or doesn't it matter at this point?

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Originally Posted by how_to_believe
II think what bothers me the most is that he says he never loved her and he never stopped loving me. I hate that he says that.

The truth is that he did love her and he didnt love you. He is either so fogged out he doesn't realize that now or he just doesn't want to tell you. You need to assume that was the case. An affair is an addiction much like alcohol or crack, and the "love" is much like the HIGH one feels while high on drugs. It is unsustainable and based on a fantasy, but it is REAL.

Quote
treated me horrible during that time. He was pushing me away. He made me hate him. I don't like to think he could do that to me but still loved me. I don't know if he is lying to me or himself about beng in love with her(then). I think he loved her but can't admit it. And I think he stopped loving me and wanted to leave. If he can't admit to himself how close he was to walking away from our marriage whats to keep it from happening again. Maybe he doesn't realize how dangerous that affair was to our marriage.

What will prevent this from happening again is a) affair proofing your marriage and b) diligently working the basic concepts to create romantic love in your marriage. The romantic love you create will be REAL and it will be SUSTAINABLE. You have chance to do that. It will beat anything he had with skanky.

I would do everything in your power to stop thinking about skanky and most certainly you should not ever talk about it. That includes making posts about it. I would make this your LAST post about the affair. Instead, you should focus entirely on recovery.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Thanks, I know I need to keep my mind on the present. He is doing all the right things now. I hate myself when my mind slips into the past especially during SF.

He has been so good to me lately. We have been listening to the MB Radio show too. I know if I want this to work again I need to stay in the present! We just had our 30 year anniversary!

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If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by how_to_believe
We have been listening to the MB Radio show too.
!

Yay! smile


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Yes everyday
Thanks for the link!

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by how_to_believe
II think what bothers me the most is that he says he never loved her and he never stopped loving me. I hate that he says that.

The truth is that he did love her and he didnt love you. He is either so fogged out he doesn't realize that now or he just doesn't want to tell you. You need to assume that was the case. An affair is an addiction much like alcohol or crack, and the "love" is much like the HIGH one feels while high on drugs. It is unsustainable and based on a fantasy, but it is REAL.
The same thought processes that demonize the BS during an affair can be directed to demonize the AP after the affair. Even as the WS denies ever loving the BS during the affair, they can deny ever having been in love with the AP after the affair. What can you do? I think you should do nothing. It is always disrespectful to question another person's feelings. Just take what he says with a grain of salt.


me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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Thanks MrEureka, I guess I just thought with open and honesty as one of my EN I should expect to hear the truth at least a year later. But you are right. I should not question his feelings. I know he loves me now and that's what's important.

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I just found out about an old affair that my H had. It was a couple that we used to get together with all the time. They were very close family friends. Always came to all birthday parties. They were like aunt and uncle to our kids.

I am so hurt that he did this and even more with a friend of ours. I am hurt that she would do this to me also.

I hate them both so much right now. I don't even want to talk to him. My H told me last night that it was only a couple of times, kissing and touching but no more. He said it ended a long time ago. The couple of times it happened was when they were waiting for us to get back from a meeting for work.

When I called her today to get her side of the story she said that he made the first move(he admitted this also) and that they were both feeling lonely and wanted something new. She expressed how guilty and she felt after she did it. She told me how he called her all the time about getting together for lunch or dinner sometime. She did not want this and was sorry for what had happened already. She said it got to the point where she would just not answer his calls.

Then his calls stopped when he got involved with the affair that brought me here. That affair ended Sept. 2013.

My insides are boiling right now. I don't know where to go with all this anger. I told him I can't talk right now because I will only be mean to him.

I feel like I should just end this now. I am not sure if I love him anymore. I don't feel like I know him at all. Who is this man?

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HTB,

Have you exposed to the OWH? Please do him that favor.

Before you decide to can your WH get him to take a polygraph. I suspect they got their story straight before WH spoke with you and are minimizing.

Do your children know about your WH?

Get tested for STDs.

God Bless
Gamma

Last edited by Gamma; 10/30/14 04:57 PM.
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Exposure is already been done. I had a poly done in august and on one of the questions were, "Are there any other affairs that your wife does not know about". He past and said no. I guess if he didn't think of this as an affair then he wasn't lying.

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HTB,

Perhaps you need to take the approach of writing out a complete list of questions and having the polygraph operator ask if your WH answered ANY of those questions dishonestly.

And by exposure I ment the woman he claims only to have kissed and touched. I hope this woman is no longer an auntie figure to your children and your children are not friends with hers.

God Bless
Gamma

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No, she is not "part of the family anymore" and definitely not now!

I had the test consist of two questions. One was "Have you answered all W questions about the OW honestly? The second was, "Are there any other affairs that you have not disclosed to your W?

I think he was able to pass because he does not think what he did would be considered having an affair.

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Do you think that just kissing and touching would be considered an affair?

I did not expose this old affair that I just found out about or whatever you call it

Last edited by how_to_believe; 10/30/14 09:49 PM.
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How did you find out about the A with the family friend?

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I had noticed there were several calls to her at different times...years ago. I asked why they were talking so much and told him that I was uncomfortable with the phones calls. He said there was nothing going on and he would not call anymore since it bothered me.

More recently since the exposure of the current affair, I started to think back to those calls. I brought it up again and pushed the issue about wanting to know if there was ever anything going on between the two of them. He confessed and said it was only kissing and touching a couple of times(more than 15 years ago). He stated how sorry he was for it and it never went further than that. He said he wanted to be honest and open and tell me the truth.

He wants to move forward with the MB recovery plan. He wants to order the online program and work through it together.

He keeps telling me how much he loves me and this will never happen again. I want to believe but am so hurt that he would even think about kissing another women. How could he love me and do those things?? She was a close friend. How could either of them do this to me?

I do keep track of his texts and emails. I have a gps to check his locations so I know where he is at all times. Maybe I shouldn't have asked or pushed to get this information out of him. Maybe I should have just been ok with us being good now. We have been doing really good but this new information is hard to handle.


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Dr. Harley states that once the BS has all of the facts about their spouses affair, then that subject should not be discussed further ever again.

Unless you discovered further information which felt like you were being lied to, then all you did was bring Past Hurts into the present.

Is your FWH following all of the EP's that are suggested in the Surviving An Affair book?

LTL

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Yes he is doing all the EP that are needed. He has been really great with trying to meet my EN. This old affair is from years in the past but he did lie about it when I asked if there was anything that happened with this W. I had asked about this when we were talking about the recent affair.

Now I wish I would had just left it in the past. You are right that I just brought it to the present and now I am hurting again even though he is trying is best to follow the program.

I guess at this point I am not following the program. I need to stay in the present. For some reason I just needed to know about this one person. Now I want to unknow....

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