I posted here years ago- I had a 6 week EA, nothing PA, never met the man in person. DH has made the last almost 9 years since my EA very hard, up until the last year or so bringing it up often. I am transparent- he doesn't care- "who knows how many secret emails you have/phones you have/etc.) I let him know where I am and call even if I'm only going to be a few minutes later than planned.

So...


Randomly looking at the phone bill, saw dh (wdh?)had used a lot more minutes that I had- so looked at the billing and found one number that he's talked to a lot- some very long conversations for a guy who doesn't talk on the phone a lot. I did some research and found a name- looked at dh's phone and her number is in there under a male's name. The calls are sporadic, no pattern that I can discern, and sometimes a week or more between calls. No texts, he doesn't text.

I can't find her on facebook, I did do an Intellius lookup, but I know who it is now from dh's phone anyway.

Is this enough proof to "confront" him with?

Who is the OW?

Have you read the exposure thread?

I don't know who she is, I had never heard her name before. I tried to look her up on facebook, but there isn't someone by her name that is plausible.

This is not my first rodeo, I know how exposure works, but didn't know if the evidence I have with all the phone calls and her name in his phone under a male name is enough.

That is not proof of anything other than some phone calls.

Yes, but hours of phone calls- almost 5 hours one month, with 50 minute long calls sometimes. He is ~not~ a phone talker. Also, her name is in his phone under a male's name- hiding something? Why do that if it's legitimate?

Go out and buy two VARs (voice activated recorder), and hide one in his car, and another one somewhere in your home where you know that he talks on the phone. I would start there and see where it leads.

Trust your gut and keep snooping, but It is possible that he is speaking to a man�both of our cell phones are in my name, so my name would come up on someone's caller ID even though it is hubby's phone.

We're not suggesting this is legitimate. We think you are quite right and this is an affair. However, your question was not whether this could be an affair but "do I have enough proof?" - and we're saying no, not yet.

However, it should be easy to get proof. You can do two things right away.

The first is to download a keylogger onto the PC or laptop that he uses. This will show you every keystroke on his computer and you can see whether he emails her as well, and find out her name from that. You need to pay for the download secretly and do not let him see the credit card bill when it comes in. If you have joint bills and he checks them all, buy a pre-paid debit card with cash and use that.

The second is to get a small digital voice recorder and hide it in the place from which he is likely to make secret phone calls. This could be his home office, garden shed or, most likely, his car. Can you tell from the timing of the phone calls where he must have been when he made them? Bug that place. Again, you have to pay for this device using a method that he won't discover.

The forum Operation Investigate has lots of recommendations for spying and devices.

Blindsighted- I called the number twice (my friends called for me from phones that don't have my area code)- and one got a woman's voice mail and one she actually answered. Also, this is the name that dh programmed into the phone, not a caller ID one. So 99.9% sure it's a woman.

I can do the spyware and var.

Thing is, I pretty much don't care. After all he's put me though over the years, if he is cheating on me (he says, "Oh, I would never do that, you're the one who cheats in our marriage"), I say, let her have him. I sure don't want him. I feel like I should just tell him I know, tell him to get out and file for D.

howtoheal,

Was the OM you had phone sex ever exposed to his wife or so?

A man can be kept in a state of non-recovery for a long time when the W is still protecting the OM.

God Bless
Gamma

Do you know more than what the OP posted?

I guess I missed the part about her having phone sex. I did see her admit to an EA with some POSOM, but that doesn't automatically translate to phone sex.

I feel that jumping to conclusions could prevent someone from requesting additional help for their current situation.

But, beside the stated transparency you say, what other EP's, (Extraordinary Precautions), have been put in place since your EA?

Those EP's would serve both spouses well to protect your marriage.

Do you know the list of EP's?

LTL

There answers to these questions are on the several threads this poster has started and abandoned.

She had phone sex with an old boyfriend that she did not meet up with while having the phone sex affair. The affair lasted about a month and took place more than 7 years ago. OM was single. You asked her that, Gamma, on one of her threads and she answered it.

She came here in 2007 because after the affair her husband abused and punished her by demanding her enthusiastic participation in sexual acts that she found disgusting and repellant. He threatened her with divorce if she did not participate. He did this on a frequent and regular basis, and he was still doing it, frequently, three years after the affair.

More than one person suspected that he might be having a revenge affair and advised her to snoop, and everybody, except a few posters who sympathised with his feelings of humiliation, told her to separate from him. There were several posts citing Dr Harley's article with a letter from a wife whose husband was punishing her for her affair 10 years after the event.

Sadly, this poster has never taken MB advice to remove herself from this abuse.

Thanks for the detailed clarification.

I thought she was a brand new poster. My mistake.

I hope she finally listens now.

LTL

Click on her name and read her posts, selecting "topics created". It makes sad reading.

Yes, it sounds like an affair. But you'll need to keep snooping so that you have solid proof. DO NOT confront him or ask him about the phone calls. Just be yourself as much as possible.

If you tell him right now that you know, he may just make excuses and take things underground. Snoop as fast as you can, and find actual proof so that you can come here and get help with how to proceed.

You have a child, correct?

Well, this rehashing of my past is pretty interesting. I agree, sad reading.

The woman is a dog handler that handles our champion. Plausible explanation, we hashed it out, he said he won't call her anymore.

And as frustrated as I was when I posted Friday, he really has changed, the sex stuff has completely stopped years ago.

I still installed a keylogger, and have a var on order. I know just where to put it to catch him if there is anything underground.

Blindsighted, we have 2 children together.

Sugarcane, my EA (and yes, unfortunately, phone sex) was NOT with an old boyfriend. I have never met this person irl. Yes, he was single.

DH did not want to expose, I actually exposed to my parents (kid #1 was only 1, kid #2 not born, so they weren't exposed to). OM lived thousands of miles away. I fully confessed to my clergy.

EP's in place as far as they can be with no MB buy in from dh.

HTH

Well she got the information from your own post.


http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=145931&Number=1943156#Post1943156

Perhaps the "old old old" boyfriend was significantly older than you?

I looked at that post- super weird! I think at that time I was posting under a different user name. some things are spot on in that post, some are not- like, I don't have a sister in CA, and my parents are both alive. I wonder if two users got mixed up? Who knows. I wouldn't have lied here- no reason too, and I was done with lying anyways.

No matter- keylogger is in place, var coming, if there's something I'll find it.

My EA is over and done and there's nothing more I can do EP wise that I'm not already doing.

I'm confused. Are you saying that there is another poster with your username and posting "similar" stories?

And they would have to have the exact same Password too.

LTL

I don't know what the deal is. However, OM was not an old boyfriend. My parents are both living and I don't have a sister in CA.

But that was long ago. My EA was in February 2006, over in March 2006, and exposed. My EP's are in place. It's a non-issue.

The advice for this thread was to gather intel, and I have the items in place for that. So far nothing weird on keylogger, nothing untoward on var hidden in car. I'll keep watching.

HTH

HowToHeal,

So I'll discount everything you posted before these recent postings as unreliable.

Was there ever a downside for OM in all of this did your BH ever go after him or expose OM to OMs family, church or workplace. Did your BH ever speak with OM to confirm your story.?

God Bless
Gamma

Why not, HTH?

Oh my gosh, Gamma, give me a break! It was ages ago!!! I got excellent advice from Mortarman, medc, Chrisner (rest his soul), Pepperband, and many others.

I don't know if he talked to OM, he did have all the contact info. OM lived thousands of miles away. I didn't know anything about OM's family, it was a 6 week EA with someone I didn't know!!!!

Prisca- "this abuse" has stopped. Completely. That's why.

It sounds like it hasn't if he spent nine years continuing to bring it up and make you pay for it:


Here's what Dr. Harley has to say about this sort of situation:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5062_qa.html


Be sure and check out the rest of that article.

Markos, I did say that to him, almost verbatim (I've been on MB since 2006).

I probably exaggerated because I was mad about his possible affair. It has been more than a year that he has brought anything up about my EA, or made me pay for it.

So, you're in a recovered marriage?

You know what, Prisca? It's as recovered as a non-MB participating DH is going to make it. There's nothing I can do about that short of divorcing him, which I'm not going to do. I try to implement things without him knowing they're MB concepts.

You refuse to raise the bar. I see.

Life has a way of making the hard decisions for us when we refuse to do it.

Good luck.

***EDIT***

Do you have a plan?

Howtoheal, sorry to bump an old thread. I have seen you online a couple of times, but you didn't post recently. How are you doing and do you need help? I read your history and am worried about your well being.