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Joined: Nov 2011
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If you want to reconcile you need to follow the plan in Surviving an Affair.

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Originally Posted by Peter_ITA
I was the original BS. DDay July 2012.
I failed to implement correctly a plan A, and I had to move out of our house, pretty sure our marriage was lost forever. After six months, in these days it seems there could be a possibility to reconcile.
full story here here.

My wife this morning enlisted our 7yo daughter to the local summer camp, and we discovered my daughter only teacher would be one of the women I dated when I moved out of my house and until few weeks ago.

My wife just gone crazy, screaming and crying on the phone.
Other summer camps seems not feasible, and our daughter will be very sad not attending this camp which she loved attending last year. With her friends, and the same teacher.

I feel so miserable.
It never happened that the summer camp teacher was the same the following year.

I know our options. I just had to tell you.
bye bye


Peter
Now you see how much damage happens from "dating while separated".

What are you going to do?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



#2765887 11/14/13 06:49 AM
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Hello dears,
I'm here again after 6 months.

My story short: I was the betrayed spouse. 2 children. She was "in love" with a colleague. A lot of pain. I exposed. A lot of pain and therapy. Plan B letter, and plan B implemented.

(long here: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2724746&page=1)

I started feeling better, and last week I filled the separation.
Since then SHE started to be the one who'd like to reconcile. But she didn't and she still don't accept the idea of Extreme Precautions / Total Separation, and she is still working in the same hospital with the Other Man. In general I feel her not interested in my emotional need. She never was, but I wasn't aware of it.
I think that a few months ago she would open some faith on me with the kind of talking she's doing now. But today I feel her distant, I don't trust her anymore, I fell her like a kind of trap. I'm sad, I'm afraid, but the idea to go back to her is even more sad and fearful. And in these days I'm not suffering anymore so much and I feel I can't risk to suffer so much again.

Bye bye

Peter_ITA #2766036 11/14/13 08:51 PM
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Are you using an IM? How do you know that "she wants to reconcile"? If she will not implement EPs and leave her job then you're correct she doesn't want to protect you and your M.

Did you expose at her job?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Update posted 11/14:

Originally Posted by Peter_ITA
Hello dears,
I'm here again after 6 months.

My story short: I was the betrayed spouse. 2 children. She was "in love" with a colleague. A lot of pain. I exposed. A lot of pain and therapy. Plan B letter, and plan B implemented.

(long here: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2724746&page=1)

I started feeling better, and last week I filled the separation.
Since then SHE started to be the one who'd like to reconcile. But she didn't and she still don't accept the idea of Extreme Precautions / Total Separation, and she is still working in the same hospital with the Other Man. In general I feel her not interested in my emotional need. She never was, but I wasn't aware of it.
I think that a few months ago she would open some faith on me with the kind of talking she's doing now. But today I feel her distant, I don't trust her anymore, I fell her like a kind of trap. I'm sad, I'm afraid, but the idea to go back to her is even more sad and fearful. And in these days I'm not suffering anymore so much and I feel I can't risk to suffer so much again.

Bye bye

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Peter you cannot reconcile unless she agrees to never see or speak to the man again.
The recovery plan in Surviving An Affair must be followed for any reconciling but the affair and all contact must end first.

It sounds like she is upset that she is facing consequences for her adulterous actions.

Arr you taking care of yourself and your kids?

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> Are you taking care of yourself and your kids?

Yes.

> She is upset that she is facing consequences for her adulterous actions.

Precisely.



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Hello community,
maybe you could help me on this.

I'm the BH (Betrayed Husband)
The WW (Wayward Wife) accepted only part of the EP ( Extraordinary Precautions )
She tells she want to recovery our marriage, but
she doesn't agree to change the workplace (hospital) where infidelity happened, and where the OM still works.
After 2 years since I left home, I'm quite sure I can live without a spouse who doesn't show a full commitment. Knowing her at nigh-shifts or at conventions still hurts me, but I manage it by not thinking of her like a spouse.
On my side I try avoiding love busters
Being demanding is not my character, and I feel bad being me the one who has to suggest EPs, and I also feel a little in contradiction demanding EPs and try avoiding love busters.

Please help me to solve this.

Best Regards.

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I would give her this check list of extraordinary precautions and see if she will agree. If she does, you have a chance at recovery. If she won't, then you don't have any chance of recovery and would be facing more affairs in the future. It is not a "selfish demand" to ask your wife to take the necessary steps to protect you from another affair.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Threads merged. Please stick to one thread in future.

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who do the kids live with?

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You stated you went into Plan B.

Did you follow the Plan B instructions from the posters here?

Did you send her a Plan B Letter, ddscribing Precisely what it would take to attempt reconciling the marriage?

How are hearing these tid-bits from her if you are in Plan B?

I suggest IF you are the least bit interested in reconciling, that you caringly inform her that you want both of you to feel loved and protected in marriage and the list of EP's are there to protect both of you and the marriage.

They are either accepted, or it's not worth going through a False Recovery.

LTL

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I understand and I agree. Thank you everybody.
About the plan B no contact rules: I found it too akward for the children, their daily lives, and their trasitions in between the two houses.
The amount of information we need to share trying to be good enough working part-time single parents in huge.
We speak more and better about the kids now than we were living togheter.

To JediKnight.
The kids stays with me 10-12 days per month.
All the other days with my WW.
In the past two year she evolved from an estranged mother to a good mother.
I'm really happy for the kids :-) :-)

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hospitals in the Rome region
https://www.google.it/maps/search/ospedale+roma/@41.9100711,12.5359979,11z/data=!3m1!4b1

hospitals in the Milano region
https://www.google.it/maps/search/ospedale+milano/@45.4237112,9.1385935,10z

hospitals in the Napoli region
https://www.google.it/maps/search/ospedale+napoli/@40.8539343,14.2466023,12z/data=!3m1!4b1

I googled some, and it seems you and your wife are the only people who are not able to find another hospital in Italy where your wife who is having her lovely little encounterw with OM could work.

To me it is utterly incomprehensible how you, as a supposedly hot-blooded Italian men can stand there and see your wife being sexually abused by another men, without even directly confronting him and threatening him with bodily harm and the like.

You have handed her over to him on a silver plate! She is the woman who is your legal wife and having sex with her is illegal. In other countries she and her affair partner would be stoned as a consequence. Even if she did want to stop the affair, which is quite possible that she does once in a while, this predator is going to be drawing her in with sweet talk. He is for heavan's sake romancing and banging your wife on the job. And you are making this easier for her under the pretense of doing it for the children???

I can tell you that if my lovely husband would ever have the nerve to have an affair, I can assure you that I would make his and her life living hell. In the end they would wish they would have never laid eyes on each other.

It is delusional to think you are doing the best for the children by having them in limbo all the time and staying in another home for 12 days of the month. That is at the childrens expense and just to comfort the parents. If you and especially your wife really loved your children they would have one home and two loving parents. You could rather change homes yourselves.

If your wife will not do the extraordinary precautions to end her sexual relationship with another man, your relationship will end in divorce. This is utterly confusing for the children. At least tell them the truth. Talk about awkward.

Last edited by happyheart; 11/02/14 08:42 AM.

me, DH
all the children
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