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Sir your first step should be to properly expose the affair. Please read the link in MelodyLane signature: EXPOSURE 101 and then return after doing so.
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I give this very little hope because she is a serial cheater, but this is where you should begin. Expose her affair to the workplace, using the instructions in my exposure thread AND expose to the OM's wife and his family. I understand where you are coming from, this is the first physical affair. I know, it's not really a difference. The issue I have with the exposure to work: She lives in our home. She has the children. I have no access to 'her' money/check. I am living two blocks away with my mother. Our finances are in a black hole of debt (15K ish). The locks on the house were changed, and there is a court order that prevents me from being on the premises for 1 year.
Me: 35 Her: 31 Together: 05/03/2002 Married: 10/14/2004 Children: D10,D8,S5 Bomb: 08/26/2014 Wife's Affair Ended 10/01/2015 Reconciliation, without commitment .... Yet
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I give this very little hope because she is a serial cheater, but this is where you should begin. Expose her affair to the workplace, using the instructions in my exposure thread AND expose to the OM's wife and his family. I understand where you are coming from, this is the first physical affair. I know, it's not really a difference. The issue I have with the exposure to work: She lives in our home. She has the children. I have no access to 'her' money/check. I am living two blocks away with my mother. Our finances are in a black hole of debt (15K ish). The locks on the house were changed, and there is a court order that prevents me from being on the premises for 1 year. Then you need to give up now. If you are choosing the job over the marriage, there is nothing we can do for you.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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[ His wife already knows, and more details than I would have presumed she should know, but no I have not contacted any of his family. Have you PERSONALLY spoken to his wife? I spoke to his wife on Sept 28th, this is how I learned that there was an affair. She knew before I did. Apparently she is also having one.And why have you not contacted his family? I don't know who is family is, or where to start. And of course I am terrified of doing it. Or where to begin.
Me: 35 Her: 31 Together: 05/03/2002 Married: 10/14/2004 Children: D10,D8,S5 Bomb: 08/26/2014 Wife's Affair Ended 10/01/2015 Reconciliation, without commitment .... Yet
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You are joking, right? We are supposed to read through the posts of other people on another forum? No thanks. If you want help here, just type out your situation and let others respond. Make your post short and to the point. We don't need a lot of information to get it. Mel, I apologise for encouraging him to copy and paste. I was trying to help him find a shortcut, but I probably made things much worse. Billman, I didn't intend for you to blast this forum with your lengthy posts from elsewhere, and I certainly did not intend for you to copy and paste other people's questions and advice into this thread. It's just that I knew that information on the condition of the marriage before the current affair, your other child, your gaming addiction and the restraining order were vital, and I did not want the forum not to know about those things because you posted only the edited highlights of the affair. This thread is now a mess and you need to start again. Perhaps the best thing is for you to post a timeline of events. Keep it to three paragraphs and include her first affair, your other child, and the more recent events that took place during this affair. Do not, for heaven's sake, post letters that you wrote to yourself. Navel-gazing and wallowing, under the guise of creative writing, are discouraged here.
BW Married 1989 His PA 2003-2006 2 kids.
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[ His wife already knows, and more details than I would have presumed she should know, but no I have not contacted any of his family. Have you PERSONALLY spoken to his wife? I spoke to his wife on Sept 28th, this is how I learned that there was an affair. She knew before I did. Apparently she is also having one.And why have you not contacted his family? I don't know who is family is, or where to start. And of course I am terrified of doing it. Or where to begin.If you won't expose at work, there is no need anyway because the situation is hopeless.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Then you need to give up now. If you are choosing the job over the marriage, there is nothing we can do for you. I will call the HR Monday morning. I am scared out of my mind, but I will do it.
Me: 35 Her: 31 Together: 05/03/2002 Married: 10/14/2004 Children: D10,D8,S5 Bomb: 08/26/2014 Wife's Affair Ended 10/01/2015 Reconciliation, without commitment .... Yet
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Then you need to give up now. If you are choosing the job over the marriage, there is nothing we can do for you. I will call the HR Monday morning. I am scared out of my mind, but I will do it. Sir you need to read the EXPOSURE 101 link in MelodyLane signature for instructions on how to expose properly. A phone call to the HR is not the best way to expose to the employer. Please read the link so you understand the why and how of exposure and then return.
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Then you need to give up now. If you are choosing the job over the marriage, there is nothing we can do for you. I will call the HR Monday morning. I am scared out of my mind, but I will do it. It is a long shot, but you need to do this right. Go read my exposure thread and plan a strategic, comprehensive exposure all on the same day. If I were you, I would expose to the OM's wife, friends, family on Sunday [using the tactics outlined in my exposure thread]. Send an exposure email to her workplace tomorrow so they will get it on Monday. That way you hit them hard Sunday and Monday. It is a longshot, but it is the only chance I see for you.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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You have to expose at work, there is no way around that. Stop placing your wife's income above protecting her from some loser, that is sending a message to her as we speak.
And STOP having AO's!
I didn't read through all the info you posted, but the AO's, begging, pleading, etc. seemed to be a reoccurring theme. You really need to get a grip on that, and get control of your emotions and actions. Are you on medication for this at all?
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You have to expose at work, there is no way around that. Stop placing your wife's income above protecting her from some loser, that is sending a message to her as we speak.
And STOP having AO's!
I didn't read through all the info you posted, but the AO's, begging, pleading, etc. seemed to be a reoccurring theme. You really need to get a grip on that, and get control of your emotions and actions. Are you on medication for this at all? I am not sure what AO, stands for. But at this point I am much more healed than most of my posts suggest. I am clearer headed and on the right track as of now for the most part.
Me: 35 Her: 31 Together: 05/03/2002 Married: 10/14/2004 Children: D10,D8,S5 Bomb: 08/26/2014 Wife's Affair Ended 10/01/2015 Reconciliation, without commitment .... Yet
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This exposure is terrifying me.
Me: 35 Her: 31 Together: 05/03/2002 Married: 10/14/2004 Children: D10,D8,S5 Bomb: 08/26/2014 Wife's Affair Ended 10/01/2015 Reconciliation, without commitment .... Yet
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This exposure is terrifying me. We understand. It was terrifying to us too. But you don't have the luxury anymore of catering to your fears. Getting divorced and losing your family should terrify you more. We are trying to help you save your marriage, not to assuage your fears. If you allow your fears to drive your strategy you will lose.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Fear is an emotional reaction and you can't afford to allow your fears to drive you. If you do, then you won't be able to follow a plan. If you can't follow a plan, you have no hope.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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She is definitely going to get furious, i understand. And will likely try and find ways to retaliate.. I hear what you are saying. Will not be easy .
How do I determine who on his FB account is worth sending message to?
Me: 35 Her: 31 Together: 05/03/2002 Married: 10/14/2004 Children: D10,D8,S5 Bomb: 08/26/2014 Wife's Affair Ended 10/01/2015 Reconciliation, without commitment .... Yet
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She is definitely going to get furious, i understand. And will likely try and find ways to retaliate.. I hear what you are saying. Will not be easy .
How do I determine who on his FB account is worth sending message to? You can't determine that, so make up a priority list that starts with family members, then married people. You will need to make a copy of all of his contacts NOW and save it into a text doc for safekeeping. He will shut down his page as soon as you start.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I re-read your situation and didn't realize she is living with the OM and has a restraining order against you. Based on that, I would just skip the exposure. It might get you into legal trouble.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I re-read your situation and didn't realize she is living with the OM and has a restraining order against you. Based on that, I would just skip the exposure. It might get you into legal trouble. I am not sure what I wrote that implied that. The OM lives with His wife and 2 children. My wife lives in Our home with our 3 children. The do Not live together.
Me: 35 Her: 31 Together: 05/03/2002 Married: 10/14/2004 Children: D10,D8,S5 Bomb: 08/26/2014 Wife's Affair Ended 10/01/2015 Reconciliation, without commitment .... Yet
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Also the email was sent to a manager at lowes and he is going to FWD it to the store manager and HR.
Me: 35 Her: 31 Together: 05/03/2002 Married: 10/14/2004 Children: D10,D8,S5 Bomb: 08/26/2014 Wife's Affair Ended 10/01/2015 Reconciliation, without commitment .... Yet
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Did she get a restraining order against you? Did you spend time in jail for burning her sheets?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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