Yes, the restraining order ended on the 27th of October. The burning of the sheets, which she allowed me to explain to her was a bad emotional reaction to the smell of his cologne on them. It was not a "murderous rage" like her father led her to believe.

After the order, it was converted to a court order that allowed us peaceful contact, but also that I am not allowed on the premises of our home for 1 year - unless she dismisses the order.

And for clarification, semantics. They were Our sheets, before he defiled them.

Tell us about the circumstances in which you come to have an "other child" (OC).

AO = Angry Outburst.

Billman: You sound like you've been a difficult husband to live with, and someone she didn't find fun to be around. You admit to rage issues and disrespect. She didn't want sex with you because she lost her warm feelings for you...over time. That, in no way, justifies her having an affair. However, now that she left, you want to be all warm and fuzzy. Life doesn't work that way, my friend.

Not many believe this, but it was confirmed with the OW.

8 years ago, we had a babysitter. I was not the husband I wanted to be and I thought I was ruining my wife's life. I questioned staying with her. I never had nor made friends and at the tie I needed someone to talk to about whether to stay married or not. I stupidly chose the baby sitter. There was No emotional connection.

My wife liked to party and drink all the time. I hated it and Never drank, ever. I did not understand the buzz about drinking so one night I decided to drink to get drunk while my wife was away with family. During my stupor, and unable to hold my liquor, the babysitter came down from the upstairs apartment (she lived with her aunt, our friend). She was hitting on me, and I said no, you have to go. But since I do not remember anything beyond this point - this is what the OW told me:

I left the living room and went to my room and passed out. The OW came in the room and tried to wake me, she could not. At this point, she got my pants off and had her way with me while I was passed out. - reminder I never drank before and had downed a 12 pack in about 20 minutes.

When I came to (very hazy to remember), I thought I had urinated in my sleep - did not understand then, after OW story it made sense.

My wife suspected I was cheating, but I never had a plan nor did I want to. A few weeks later, OW said she was raped at a party and was pregnant. My wife and I both argued over it, nether of us knew anything more than the other. I assured her the child could not be mine, and she never heard the story from the OW, so never really believed me.

Several years later, OW calls up and claims she needed help with medical for the child and named me as the father. I was still unaware of the story. And here came the blood test. I had no contact with the OW, and ended up paying support.

After our first separation, I finally contacted the OW, and she then told me what happened, but by this point there was no legal recourse, and my wife wanted nothing to do with it.

I do not expect warm and fuzzy. I am sure I was difficult. But no i disagree. My wife showed (to the best she could) love all the way up and even after this separation. And in order to fight those feeling of what she believed to be a dead marriage - she started the affair. This is an Exit affair. An utter distraction. I know my wife, after 12.5 years together and what I know true to what she wants in life and what she holds dear, this OM is the exact opposite of what she would appreciate - the Fog is deep with her.

I have improved over the years, just never enough to stay "that good husband/father" consistently. I understand my mistakes now more than ever, And also her mistakes, which I am hoping she will find and learn from on her own. Our recovery will take a very long time, I have no doubt of that - if at all. But no I am not expecting warm and fuzzy, I am expecting to end this affair.

So quite by chance, she happened to come down from the upstairs flat on the only night in your life that you have ever been drunk?

Why did she come downstairs?

And BTW, there was indeed an emotional connection with her. The connection was established when you began talking to her about your marriage.

I think that you need to do a lot of reading about the Marriage Builders approach to marriage. It is about a lot more than stopping an affair. You won't be able to stop the affair just by exposing to his friends and their joint employers, and you will never be able to attract your wife back and build a new marriage if you hold the attitudes about her that you display here.

It is disrespectful of you to tell yourself that you know your wife's mind and what she appreciates. The openly thing you know for certain is that for the last several months she hasn't wanted to be in the marriage with you. You marriage seems to have been characterised by angry outbursts, an addiction to online gaming during which you neglected your wife horribly, no real involvement with your children and financial problems.

And as for wanting her to "find and learn from her mistakes", this is another disrespectful judgement of her. Your recovery of this marriage needs to start from the position that she doesn't need to find and learn anything about what she did wrong in the marriage. All she is concerned about now is what YOU did wrong in the marriage and how you let her down. Your behaviour towards her since your discovery of the affair has hindered matters further. If you want her back you are going to have to make her fall in love with you again, not get her to "learn from her mistakes". That court order that she has is doing the job she wants very nicely; it is keeping you away from her and out of her home. She has no need to "find and learn from her mistakes" - the mistakes she is concerned about are yours, and right now, she feels better off without you.

Have you read any Harley books? Do you have a copy of Surviving an Affair and Love Busters?

Ok yes there was an emotional connection, but I was not attracted to her nor did I intend a relationship. And she was our babysitter, and her aunt was our friend. They were welcome downstairs all the time.

I do not know why she came down. I thought she should have been in school. I never asked that.

You created a child with someone else. You were unfaithful with someone with whom you were discussing leaving your wife. The story of being drunk beyond memory but able to perform the sex act, but also being taken advantage of against your will, is incredible. You have to maintain this child until he or she is an adult, to the detriment of the children of the marriage. You had a gaming addiction for a long time. You neglected your wife and kids. She is free of you now. Why would she want you back?

Oh good grief, how old was she?

You need to go to Anger Management therapy and get your rage under control. This type of therapy is successful and in short order. If you have a chance to save your marriage, it starts with you. Of course you still need to end her affair. Your wife needs to see you become the man you promised her to be, the man she envisioned you to be, when you were dating. Let her see you are improving your attitude, your career, and being the best father you can be. She'll take notice. Let's hope it's not too late.

This was my fear of posting on another forum. Everything you have said here is in part a reply to an earlier state of where I am now.

I know it is more than stopping the affair. I have and will continue to make the changes that I have realized are the cause of our marriage to fall apart. Also I know that I am not 100% to blame for our demise. I never stated nor do I plan to point out or blame her in any way. I honestly do not have any problem with her faults - but there are some she will have to term with On her own and eventually - not today - for us to heal and grow later.

I am not focusing on her problems now, I am focusing on mine, and focusing on my children. I am doing what I can in the sidelines during this tryst, and awaiting the fog to dissipate. I dress well, I am confident and loving when I am around her, and treat her like my best fried, less the sugar coat. I am not cold or rude. I am showing her the man I am, the one she fell in love with - and she is aware that I know my mistakes.

She will choose to look at me if she wishes at some point in the future - as long as I do what I need to do.

As far as what she appreciates: From what little I know of this OM, he has cheated on his wife multiple times, as well as she has cheated on him multiple times. They claim to be separated, yet live in the same home with 2 children, and most of their family has no idea they are even separated. Based on what I know of her, it seems illogical that she would choose such an unscrupulous partner. Not the point, and not my problem - i was only surmising.

I know I let her down, and I also know that in time I can provide her with the fairy tale she always wanted. In time and over time, I hope to prove that to her with actions and without words. She will make her own decision once her mind is clear of this fog, and she has time to think.

I am working on retrieving the Harley books now, I jumped into this forum on a recommendation.

For the next day you need to focus entirely on exposure.
Did you read the EXPOSURE 101 thread?

I know it is incredible, I do not believe it myself - the OW had to tell me.

The game addiction ended. I learned from that. The neglect was not how you hear it, yes I was neglectful, but not absolute. Family outings and spending time together was very common, I was just lazy and boring, but always there and available.

If I were to speculate why she wants me back - since I do not want to put words in her mouth. Because she saw the man I was trying to be, just never was able to be consistent. I did not learn how to love her right, nor did I try because at the time I did not know I was failing. I did not truly listen to her words, i did not understand. To this day I believe she still loves me, just denies it and fights it - but I think that is the fog.

She has seen some of the improvements (actions not words). The anger is in control. Now anyway. I have calmed my anxiety to the point of near non-existence. Much more to do I know. Somewhere in here she loves me, i cannot believe she truly wants a divorce - but I do believe she thinks it as the only hope she has to be happy. By being that man I claimed to have always been - consistently - maybe then she will see me differently.

I did, and yes I am still terrified, however I emailed her work already - so that is out there.

As for the OM family. I starting that list now.

And yes I read the thread.

She does NOT love you.
Dr. Harley's program can create romantic love but it needs to be followed.
Love is action. The Bible says that there is no greater love than he that would lay down his life for another. That is a high standard.

Cheating and adultery don't meet that standard.

Did you email officers of the company? (CEO, VP)

Let me guess: You were in your early 20's and the girl was a teenager.