I have a thread in the Divorce Busting Forums. Instead of starting from the beginning, here is the link:

**edit**
And the second:

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I decided to come here for more guidance and understanding. I have come much farther in the past 2 months than most would believe. At this exact juncture this is what I know.

My wife is having an Exit Affair, she believes she is in love with him and that he is her soul mate. She is in the fog.

Billman, please don't post links on our forum. Thank you.

Welcome Billman.

I see in your tagline "repaired" 11/01/2011...what does this mean?

Who have you exposed the affair to?

What is the status now, are you still living together?

This is what the links were for , I did not want to have to type everything all over, but I understand.

The repaired was:

3.5 years ago, we had another divorce situation. I was controlling and angry very often - not abusive. She had an emotional fling with a coworker. I moved out, and only 2 months had passed, the EP had moved several hours away and she asked me to come home - we did not fix our issues, but thought we were happy again.

The underlying issues resurfaced about a year and a half after, and then the second bomb.

The current Exit affair is physical and to the letter of an Exit Affair. I moved out of the house because at the time I was unaware of another person and believed that I was just giving her the space and time she needed.

A court order prevents me from being on the premises as of now. We own the home, and my emotional outbursts about the affair are what triggered the court order. I have since grown and learned what it is I need to do for healing, and do not pursue beg plead or talk about our marriage.

She believes she is in love with him and is currently well into the fog. As far as exposure, most of my family and most of hers knows about it. The one thing I have not done was told her employ. They work together. The reason for this is I cannot afford to survive the financial impact alone if she were to be fired. But I am teetering on the edge of doing so anyway. But we have 3 young children and that could make for a disastrous fallout.

Her affair partner is married, but claims to be separated. He has lied to her at least once, I am sure many more, but she is in the throes.

I have an ultimate faith and belief that she still cares for me, and I have hope that we can survive this - but I am having a hard time knowing how long I can hold on while I know this is happening and with the knowledge that I know it will most likely end - but indeterminate time.

Please ask whatever else you need to know.

You don't need to type everything all over. All you need to do is copy and paste your original post to the other forum, and a few others where you followed up with more details, into this thread.

I think you should do that, because I think people need the information about the other child you conceived and your explanation for how that happened, and about your anxiety condition, your addiction to online games, your general, long-term neglect of your wife and children, your burning the sheets a few months ago, the restraining order and the conditions imposed by the current court order.

well that is a lot to answer, so here goes.

To re-cap and be clear, this "event" with a woman you dated, occurred prior to the marriage?

No it was after, i was mistaken the timeline

Well...drunk or not, did you have sex or not?

I was passed out, i never drink, the OW confirmed that she essentially raped me and I was not conscious the entire time. I had drank an entire 12 pack. At the time my wife was a recovering teenage alcoholic and I never understood the "hype" of getting drunk - so i stupidly tried it. And to clear up it was after the marriage I was not thinking.

How did she find out about it anyhow? Was there other deceit involved?

She knew I was talking to her, During the first 2 years, I was not a very good person to her as I should have been. I loved her and gave her the world, but had anger issues that I was unaware of. The incident with the OW happened during a small breakup and my reason at the time was I was talking to her about how I was treating my wife. I had no intent of affair. At this point, even I did not know the OW and I had sex. almost 5 years later, the OW initiated a court order for a bloodtest and thats when this came out that she had a kid from sex that we obviously had. I tried to assure my wife i did not know, and the OW confirmed what happened - she never believed it.

The emotional cheating that refered to every two years or so: I never really "fixed" my anger, i just diverted it. I was always "in control" and she would talk to other people and would eventually have these friends that were there for her when she did not feel close to me. I was always unaware of these until I found out in some way. And again, I professed love and change without ever really getting the issue resolved.

Did you throw it in her face ever, or hold it over her head, or what?

No once it ended, i left it alone, I forgave her truly - but mainly because I guilted myself to believing it was all my fault.

Why did you think you had healed? And why did you believe SHE had healed? How did that supposedly happen?

Because she appeared happy again, and i would control my anger and anxiety issues (i did not know i had anxiety at this point). And we both fell back to our normal dead rhythm. We did not fix anything.

And did you really truly believe that her "emotional" cheating, whatever that means, is related solely to an event 10 years ago, and which you do not really feel responsible for?

I do feel responsible, and she had claimed forgiveness, I think i took it for granted, and she never really healed. I cannot be sure if that event was the only cause.

Are you certain Nothing else could be bothering her??

If I would just throw these answers out, she is materialistic, worries about money, believed marriage should be a fairy tale. And I was not consistent in any of these respects.

What do you mean by "she was of course" and "seeing another"?? Was she having an affair? Why do you say that and how do you know?

at this point 3.5 years ago, she told me she was talking to another man, she said it was not physical (well not to the point of sex). I never questioned it, so I cannot be sure of that. She has never been alone, i meant "of course" becasue everytime she tried to end us - there was another man involved - every time.

I am confused. 2 months after WHAT situation? Can you give me a thumb nail sketch of timelines here?

2 months after she dropped the 1st bomb, she let me back in. (Sept 2011 - Nov 2011)

What do you mean by "initial break",--(did you separate before?)

This refers to the (Sept 2011 - Nov 2011) break.

and What issues do YOU think caused that? This is VERY important.

That break was caused by my control. She did not have a license, or any freedom. It was not my intent, but i was suffocating her and did not realize it until then.

There is a major lack of trust going both ways. WHY do you think that is?

I did trust her, I thought she was happy, and took advantage that she said she wouldn't leave again. as far as why she didn't trust me. . work wise - i never held a job long. I cannot think of any other trust issues - I was always about her - i don't have a friend in the world (seriously) - let alone another woman to talk to.

1) why would she "again" confide in another man? When she would tell you problems she had, or when her feelings for you or the Marriage foundered, how did you react?
Were you supportive and reflective, but confident, or did you freak out on her? DIG DEEP...

no, that's just it. I would always talk about our issues, and what we could do to fix them, i did not yell or argue ever - since we got back together from the first break. Ever.

2) How did you learn that she was confiding in another man?

She was deleting her text messages, starting about a month before the first bomb. and I did not put 2 and 2 together until about a month After the bomb. She had a girlfriend and she claimed it was always her she was talking to her. I confronted her after that month ish, and she confirmed they were "friends" and they had been for awhile. I knew what that meant. SHe was "involved" in some way, before the bomb.

Do You mean she "threatened" or said she "wanted" a divorce - OR DID YOU Bring it up first?

She told me she was unhappy about 2 months before the 2nd D. she explained that it was about my recent job loss and our finances going to crap. And I was a boring father, i was not attentive to the children, not mean or bad - just lazy parent. - at this point I started to change that, looked for a 2nd job, and was Much more active with the kids. but nothing was getting better. She had also said during this conversation that "I am not going to leave you, I am not doing that again"
One day, i woke up and made the dumb stupid decision to suggest we should get a D. - and she ran for it. Right to his arms.

...keep peace with you, she pretended to concede and said she'd stick around? Is that about how you see it now?

Yup

Sorry to ask, but I need clarity so I can make suggestions, and this ^^ is vague to me. '
What do you mean when you say you "tried to compose but failed"?

I was trying to be civil, and have "peaceful" conversations about getting back together. I kept breaking - crying and groveling.

Did she ask you to move out?

not directly. she said I could stay . but i knew my anxiety would blow the whole thing - i.e the begging and crying - i knew i had to give her space - also this was before I knew of the OM.

I thought for awhile i was getting through.
meaning, what?

we had conversations (before I knew of OM) about her needing space and time to decide what she wanted. those tidbits of hope I read from her replies to my questions.

VERY WEIRD thing to learn from a stranger?!!

Once I found out about the OM, i dug for info on FB. found out he was married and separated. I contacted the OM wife and she had told me she knew and that they had been together . intimately. and I broke down. I confronted her that morning and she denied, then finally caved. I asked when was the last time and she said last night. that meant in our home in our bed, while my children slept. - I did not take that well.

You wanted to "cry in the house"??

After I confronted her and went back to my moms crying like a baby. she went to her fathers house with the kids. I went back to what was my home, and just planned to reminisce. I missed what was my life. I sat on the floor for about 15 minutes playing with my dogs, and was just looking around the house. I noticed my pictures were missing, and there was nothing left of me in the home.

sniffing around for some PAIN...

wasnt the plan...the morning before I was wastching the kids while she worked (trying to be civil) she asked me to bring up a tv from the basement - so she could watch tv at night in be. so i did . when I went into the room i remember the tv and had the thought . she had me bring it up so she could watch TV in be with the OM. The bed was unmade, i knelt by the bed and just dropped my head to cry. Then i smelled the cologne - i was not looking for it. i got up to leave, the cologne was on my shirt. - i took of my shirt and took it and the sheets to the trash outside, and missed the can. That was the moment i decided to burn them, and hated i did it right after.

That was not your original post.

Clippings from my other Forum:

---A---
I have dealt with the anger, I no longer have that issue. Same with the control issues. Those are no more.
I was lazy, I did not help around the house.
I was not an attentive father - i did not always help with homework, i found reasons to not go outside and play with them. I did not take them anywhere (park, store, anywhere when i left the house), and certainly did not take them and give her time without them in the house (alone time).
I worked at home, so I was Always at home, and never went anywhere.
I was always in her face, i did smother her.
I was very sexual, but I did not try to romance her.

---B---
I asked before but don't recall getting an answer, but is the child part of your life at all? Have you met him/her, and or have your kids?

No the child is not a part of my life. and the OW has said she does not want me to b. I do however pay support.

Now, on the security level, you have to wonder how safe your wife felt with you.

You were "inert"? You say you were inattentive and inactive with her and the kids, so I think she did not feel safe with you, in terms of what would happen to the kids if she wasn't around AND whether you would really "Show up" for her.

I believe I was always available. I was I think overprotective of the children, to the point that I stunted their ability to have fun in an attempt to keep them safe i.e. could not be barefoot in the yard, afraid they would hurt their feet. I did not cook meals and always made easy food - sandwiches, mac & cheese, lunchables, simple things.

There are a lot of ways women can feel unprotected by their mates.

Like not standing up for her with your family would be a huge one, or being bad with money, (not that you are, just a comment.
Or, bad mouthing her to others, or involving your family in private matters,

I always defended her, I never bad mouthed her to my family.


And not being able to provide for the home and family is another big way for a woman to feel unsafe and unprotected by her mate.

I was not a good provider, i see that now more than ever. My only defense is that the mortgage at least, was always top priority, whilst the other bills suffered.

He Helps her feel safe and provided for, with the children...


I did fail at this in the grand scheme.

I think her fears about money are probably very real and deep.

I see that now.

I would like to hear more of that from you, about your wife. Know what I mean?

Anything I can answer I will.

There is hope!


---C---
I agree that all this is overwhelming, and a tad bit of "wow, i really have neglected myself in an unsettling manner".

The more you focus on you the better you'll feel. The more you focus on her the worse you'll feel.

I had a moment there when I did not actually put that perspective on it. Those words right there hit the spot.

It is hard to not have a moment where I miss her, and wish I could still hug her. But I am a bit angry and saddened by everything and Imagine myself walking away from her without turning back. Then I remember, that is not what I want - if I can take a chance at happiness with her as opposed to without her.

One issue I have been having and working on; If i had to make a list of pro's to making this marriage work, I could write a list all day. But I think my key here is to work on a list of what I would do/want for me on the possibility that I don't stand a chance or reconciliation. At this moment, that list is small. I am working on that list - Finding a goal in life that does not involve her was never a consideration before, but now it must be.

I cannot let my fear of losing this marriage control my day to day. I must have a confidence that if I believe that I am that man that she deserves, then that is who I should be; but because that is the man I want to be and should have been - with or without her. A new perspective. A new beginning.

---D---
I'd like some input on my thoughts:

At one point I told myself that the biggest mistake I could make would be enabling her to spend time with the OM. For instance. If she calls me up and asks me to spend some time with the kids so that she could "go out", I felt I should say no if it meant to spend time with him.

Than I started thinking. The errors of this in my opinion: I am rejecting her decision by trying to keep them apart - my fighting against what she "wants". She will see that as me denying time with the kids and controlling her decisions, the kids as a tool. She's going to find a way anyway, and more fuel on the fire to affirm her decision to leave.

I have considered that the best option, is to spend as much time with the kids - period. Regardless of what she is doing - because they are my children and I want to be the best father I can. And this will come with perks (for added benefit, not for purpose).

Perks: knowing my prior inattentiveness with them, while on her "date" she will spend more time wondering how they are than enjoying the date. She may talk more about the children (and/or) me when with him - which he would not like. The kids will express what a fun time they had with daddy, and she will become jealous - I say this because her "addiction" to the OM has her spending less time with the kids (as I heard from her brother).

Again I am not using the kids, I seriously miss them and want to be better with them - regardless of what she is doing/thinking. I just believe that it has an air of reverse psychology to it. She will see my wanting to spend time with the kids and my seemingly "okay" attitude toward her being with the OM as confusing. She predicts my behavior to "fix us", to "stop" her seeing the OM, and this should confuse her or allow her to believe that I am accepting this situation.

Regardless of the outcome, I am going to spend all the time I can with them. But it is a good motivator to believe it should have a positive impact for us in time. And that it might "stress" their time together.

---E---
The idea of very quickly scares me a bit. I do not want to think that I would "understand" too much to fast and miss the finer points. But I have had the precious Bomb situation opened my eyes a lot, it just did not stick well.

I know in my brain what it is I need to do, and I have a fight going on with my heart. My heart wants to love her unconditionally, and my brain affirms that the unconditional also means without her.

I have a heart of magic i think, and sometimes I feel I owe her my life for having "dealt" with me for so long. But I realize i owe her something a bit different, and that is the respect and admiration that is the woman I loved. I neglected that. I pray that some day she comes to understand that regardless of what happens. But my heart still wants her in my life, albeit a bit selfish to only want her as my wife.

I know what I must do. I need reassurance and guidance to move on the right path. And the road to forgiveness, although a difficult one, must be met both ways and treadled confidently and carefully.

I have confidence in my ability to be the man I know I am. I will be that man, for myself. And I dream that she wants that man and will choose to love me because she wants to, not because she needs to.

I think people here would rather read your own words about what has been happening in the past 3 years. Is it possible for you to copy and paste your words and leave out the words of other people? It doesn't seem ethical to post other people's words here.

Your original post did not contain other people's words.

---F---
I wrote myself a letter.

10/22/2014

Here I find what I have done wrong. Through these years I have made my share of mistakes, over and over. They are a burden on me now that I realize the truest of my bad nature.

I have never been a good father. I would not say that I am a bad father, but I did not live or even strive for a potential of good. I have dreams of playing with my children, and fantasies of seeing them smile and loving them with every breath. But I never provided any action to make this happen. I was always too busy doing something, or nothing, else to spend time with them. I was inattentive and unavailable to their needs. I was a distant father.

For the longest time I admitted to myself that I treated my wife like a queen, serviced her every whim, and did all I could to make her happy. I never took note, that all I did was show love; but in all the wrong ways. I did not live up to the ability that was my wife�s expectations. Yes they were high, but I did not even reach for them. I abandoned my own duties and justified myself in why I did nothing. It is not so much that I was lazy, but when I was needed, or was asked, I denied, after saying yes. I let her down time and time again, with an agreement that I broke. Yes I did indeed forget, but I only forgot because I did not hold what she wanted from me with any importance. To her that meant I did not care about her wants and needs. I did not do everything for her as I originally thought. I abandoned her. I was lazy.

I did not want to work; I always told myself that it was because I wanted to be home with my family, to be with them and around them. Yet all the while I was not working, I watched TV, or slept on the couch. I did not take the kids outside to play, and when I did I sat there bored with nothing to do, instead of playing with them. I neglected making money, so that I could be lazy and bored. Then I complained about being bored and broke, when I am the one that placed me in that situation. I was a bad provider.

When it came to intimacy, I always wanted sex and never understood why she did not. I complained at her sex drive, and devalued the reasons she did not want intimacy. I forced myself on her, and did not take time to enjoy the moments; I did not provide the luxury of feeling love and tenderness that is the word intimacy. I was not romantic.

I followed her like a puppy, lost in my life. I had nothing to do for myself, no hobby or play. My every moment while she was around, I was glued to her hip and would not let her breath. I made it always bout spending time with her and being around her. I lost sight of the fact that she couldn�t breathe without my breathing her air. I did not respect her space.

I did not have confidence in my ability to be a good man. I always said you are an idiot for staying with me. I thought I was saying, thank you to her for staying with me even though I was not worth it. I never believed she�d leave me, and thought she�d love me forever � because she said she would. I did not earn her respect or her admiration. I somehow made it okay to do nothing, and expect everything in return. I took her for granted. I did not love myself. I did not earn her love. I did not deserve her.

I am not feeling pity, or remorse for my behavior. Instead I am recognizing my faults and learning how to correct them. I must do this for the sake of my own well being and health. For if I cannot overcome my faults as a person; I will never be a man, to her or anyone.

---G---
she got a protective order and then violated me. I was in jail 9 days, and the revised order was for No contact direct or indirect . so there was no way to arrange for seeing them. And she never offered or tried either. And she could have gone through several people for me to see them and she hasn't.

---H---
I don't mean to sound passive, if anything I am asking advice on what I should do. A year in jail is scary and I did not want to take that chance. My L is only for the protective order, and 1 of 2 things will happen at court today: it will be dismissed or extended. If it is dismissed I will let her know that I want to see our children and arrange a time. If it is extended then first thing tomorrow I am going to file for visitation. I want to see them, and I want them to see me. I want to shower them with love and all the love I did not show before.

I want to reassure them that I have always loved them, be open with them and play with them. I want them to be happy and know that this is not their fault and they will be loved regardless of what happens, and that I will never leave them.

Also, before I went to jail and this order was in place, I am Sure I would have made the mistake of using them as a tool. I mean that by asking about mommy's day and what she does and pry information out of them.

I feel that this distance from the W and the children, might have been one of the best things that could have happened. But now enough is enough, I am stronger and I have a clear head. My heart needs work, but my knowledge and understanding of what it is I need to do has come a very long way. I will fight for them, tooth and nail if I have to. I do not believe she will try to keep them from me, but I will fight if I have to.

---I---
Had court, the order was changed to allow contact with her (peaceful contact) regarding children only for 1 year, unless she dismisses the order. The best part of this, it "forces" me to follow the rules of this forum and DB'ing. I still hold hope and will be strong.

Since I do not expect that she will contact me, i believe I should file for visitation tomorrow morning.

Oh and I am also not allowed on the property of what used to be our home for any reason during that 1 year.

---J---
I saw my kids at the park yesterday, and I did not say anything to my W nor did I even acknowledge her - I was not rude, the moment was just never there. I played with them in ways that I always wanted to for an hour and a half, and I enjoyed every moment of it.

A bit later she called and we talked for a bit, and I made several mistakes on the call, this is before reading your post 25yearsmlc. I fell into my own trap for suggesting guilt to her for what she was doing, and she clammed right up.

Today she texted me to call her to discuss Halloween. I called her a few hours later and she said she did not want to go with me, either I could take them, or she would, but she did not want to go with me. Her voice was choked, cracking up like - but I did not say anything about it. I said I would take them and I'd be there about 5 to pick them up.

She said she did not want to go with me, because we should not be together - just then she sniffled - voice still cracked.

I said ok, I will pick them up at five, bye. and hung up the phone.

---K---
however be warm and loving when you are around her or interacting....which I'd agree with. Is that what you meant

^^exactly this. Not pursue, but sweet and charming at the appropriate moments.

Good insight ^^^....so how are you going to Behave differently to reflect this awareness?

I have come to a conclusion that my mistake is Facebook. I am constantly putting "my day" up there. I am not throwing it in her face, but after thinking about - that is all I have done. I have logged out of FB, and plan to stay out. I will only talk to her if she calls me for the children, or if I want to see them.

Btw, how was forgiveness modeled in your childhood? IF you saw it, what did it look like?

I am not sure. The man I am does not make sense due to what I remember of my childhood. I come from a broken home, my father was lazy, my mother divorced 4 times. We never lived in the same home for too long. I am not sure where my conceptual model of life comes from.


I think I found my other issue. My fear. I am afraid that she will not see my changes. I am afraid that she does not care, or have any feelings for me at all. I am afraid that she truly wants to be done and rid of me in the capacity I was. As of yet I have no real 'closure. Tomorrow scares me.

I know these are things I do not need to know right now, and some day I may find those answers. But I have to find strength to accept that today is today, and if destiny exists, or we are meant to be - then she will see/find what she wants to, when she wants to.

What I want more than anything is to restore my marriage to who I know the greatest woman in the world. And I have to face my fear. I have to walk this path with blind faith, without knowledge of what it will mean to her. I am terrified.

---L---
SO I had a wonderful 3 hours taking my children trick or treating. I did not mope, prod, spy, or even allow my oldest to talk about mommy. When I say allow, i simply said we don't need to talk about that, and swiftly brought up something else. I also did not say or imply that she should tell mommy anything about the evening. I just went with them and listened and enjoyed the time spent.

But I have one concern. When I asked my daughter (oldest - 9) how she has been. She said mostly happy , but sometimes sad. then she volunteered that mommy was sad the other day. I just asked what do you mean. she said and I quote, "mommy was sad that her boyfriend might not love her". I dismissed it and changed the topic.

---M---
Where do I find the strength to hold on. The will to endure what hurts more than any pain. i sit here with knowledge and understanding that I have never known before. Yet my heart cannot fathom the wrongdoings that both I an my wife have caused each other. While I accept that my ways hardened her heart and gave her a reason to give up, I do not take blame for her actions.

I try to accept a future where we are together, and a future where we are not. The one where we are not is painful to accept, but it is understood. The one where we are is blissful, and terrifying. There will be so much to accept and get over, so much to endure and overcome.

I cannot have an absolute of whether she will find her heart with me again. I have no way to know when the affair will end, or how long it will take her to reason whether we can begin anew. I can accept this chance, but having hope at the same time I know the truth of what is happening with her and that man.

My love for her is unconditional, I made a vow of for better or worse. This is by far the worst it could be. I must be strong enough to stand by her through this time she is struggling to find whatever it is she is looking for. But to stand by while watching her destroy everything She once held dear, is not an easy burden to bear.

There are some truths I understand. I know that there is a very high chance her affair will end. I know that some day, even if years she will have regrets, and I high chance our loss will be one of them. Her irrationality will clear up in time, and she will begin to understand more clearly.

I find myself fighting with how long I can "wait" for these things to happen. I tell myself to let go and live and allow life to continue. Then I become sad again. I pick myself up and try to accept her decision, to accept that she believes she is doing what she must; and yet I posses the knowledge that she is hurting herself - and I cannot save her.

I do not know what she is thinking, I do not understand what she feels. I cannot understand her justifications or how she can rationalize what she is doing. I may never understand why she cannot see her children future as this event unfolds. But I also understand that these are things I do not need to know. My knowledge of them would change nothing, nor would that knowledge help me heal from my own pain.

It is okay to be afraid, and I will not let that fear control me. A small part of me feels like I want to fight with fire, to retaliate by any means. Then I remember that I love her, and try to accept that she is struggling with pain as well. Does she know she is in pain I wonder.

I know to let go, to live life and find a happy place. My heart misses her and wants to protect her, to save her.This internal battle at times feels like it will destroy me. I am broken, but only my heart, not my soul. I do not want to wait, I want it to stop; patience while watching what disgusts me feels wrong. But when I gather everything that is, and was, I remember that I choose to love her. I accept my choice and must live by it, for better .... or worse.

---N---
3 1/2 years ago, I gained some insight, but it was only 2 months before we got back together. Life did not hit me as hard then as I thought it did. I claimed I was better, but at the time i was still wallowing in self pity, nothing really changed.

When she took me back, things were new again-ish. and it made everything feel good. For the first year or so everything was so good we did nothing to fix the original issues that caused the break. However there was one difference. I gave up control, all of it. She was in control, I did not argue with her decision, and always let her have the last word.

Looking at that now - there was a power dynamic at play and her expectations became higher and higher. I was not able to reach them, and I believe I eventually gave up (unconsciously I believe).

I know I am wallowing, but I am doing it on here, and not to her - I am crying out of sight. I have not posted on Facebook in near a week. I have not texted her in any way, and my responses are simple. My emotions were controlling me completely until about a week ago.

I prayed for peace, and the pain in my chest left the next day. I prayed for strength, and my mind was clearer to know what I needed to do.

Frankly, I understand what you say "The wallowing and the neediness and tears of self pity about YOUR loss" - I agree that this needs to stop. But at what point does it matter that I am to lose everything that I held dear. Yes I am losing a lot, but I am gaining knowledge - there is nothing greater. I am not asking for pity, deserved or not. I understand that my own actions, or lack of, put me where I am - but as I have said - it was not a good marriage, but it was by far not bad - but again my perspective only.

She has lost a lot too - when does that become apparent to her. I know I cannot point out what she is losing. I know what she is losing.

"You want to be a man only a fool would leave. What are you DOING to become that man?"

I am a man that would walk the end of the earth for her - this she already knows. I am working my butt off at work, and am in line for a promotion and a pay raise - to a position that I will enjoy at work, so I will be happy to work and provide. I am talking to my children in a way that i have never done before because I missed out on this, I have much to make up for. Their smiles make me happier than I thought they would. When we were out on Halloween, I got to see them in a way I never had before - it may very well have been the first time I was with them without the W outside the home.

I do not live in the home. I have no friends or family that we have mutual contact with. I have no vehicle, so I do not go anywhere often, or very far. The Only changes she will see, will be through our children. I WILL NOT use them as a tool, but feel at a disadvantage that she will be blind to these changes for a long while.

I have always been this man, I was just selfish and lazy. Looking back I had no reason to be selfish or lazy, so I have abandoned both of those qualities. But again, these changes are for me and the future of my children; yet still I do them knowing she may never notice.

My crying and wallowing I do on here because I like to express what I feel. I like to talk and listen. This is what inspires me to learn more. I do not post on here words of eloquence looking for remorse. No different than an author who writes on his own life events. I like words and what they can express, but I enjoy more the replies, and the wisdom they assist me in obtaining.

Looking back I agree, most women might have left me - but this is where I have said before, my perspective is not entirely incorrect. I am and always was charming ans sweet, smart and caring - I was just inconsistent. I did love her, and showed it to her, it just was not enough to overcome the rest. She waited for me to change, I did not.

I am different today than 3 years ago - Then at the first moment she wanted me back I got a plane the next day and went home. I did not fully understand my flaws, nor did I work on the ones I did. She had not realized Any of hers, and had no time to think of anything.

The OM she was seeing emotionally then, had moved 3 hours away and was not able to be with her. The moment she realized that she called me and asked me to come home. She was still on control and I ran back without fixing even 1 issue. We were happy because we were both pretending the past was over - we were Both wrong.

---O---
Either you are misunderstanding me, or you are presuming I am just sitting here typing and hoping for a quick fix.

I am going to be blunt: Several times in this forum I have stated my problems. Our conversations are nothing more than me tearing open all the wounds and explaining why each was there - Mine And my wife's. Every time there is a reply I feel more badgered by my expressions than by the fact that I understand.

I have learned and understood my mistakes, I have owned them, and feel that I am still being punished by all the responses here. I am owning my mistakes. And I promise by myself and God that I will never make these mistakes again - regardless of my chances with my wife.

No I have not actually made a list of "to do's" for my future, but that does not mean I do not know what I want, or Need to do.

When I asked to speak to 25 off the board it was not intended for a hand holding, it was meant for a conversation that is near impossible on this forum. Actual communication. Nothing more.

I am broke I cannot afford a car at the moment. I am working overtime and even got a promotion, that I start on the 9th. In time I will get a vehicle. I have literally a dollar in the bank, and a ton of bills. Making a point, not asking for pity.

Yes I talk the talk - and I am trying my darnedest to walk it. Mistake after mistake i got it. I would love to apologize for not doing it right 3 years ago. I am tired of apologizing, I want to do it now. And I will - for me, and for my children. If she sees that wants to reconcile - all the better.

I never aid I was not going to make these changes if she does not notice, I just have a lot of curiosity. Character flaw? perhaps.

And no I will never blame DB'ing - ever. This forum has done nothing to steer me wrong, and I would not blame it for any reason. My own actions are to blame for the outcome of my life - I get that. My questions are for understanding, not justification. I am not trying to get answers to make what I need to do be easier.

Yes I do still love her, regardless that she is with the OM, just as I would love my child if he/she were an alcoholic - but that does not mean I cannot express disappointment - since I know it to be wrong, unhealthy, and damaging in the long run - especially to our children. Yes I still love her, and if she asked me to do something I would. I don't intend her "blame" to be negative, just that I want some day - regardless of outcome - for her to admit and own her own faults - but that by far will not change whether I love her.

I attempted to show her that I would walk to the end of the earth. Obviously I failed. I did not show enough, regardless of all that I did wrong, I always showed compassion. When she had a bad day I listened and did not judge. I was still sweet and charming and made my life about her. Too much in fact because I was suffocating her - again a mistake.

"When are you going to get serious and actually do something?"
I AM doing it. And if you do not think so, then say specifics.

I am working more and diligently, I am getting a promotion and a raise. I am making plans to see my children more than once per week. I have stopped trying to pursue and get my wife to notice. I have stopped wondering where and what she is doing all day. I do not call my few friends to cry and pout about my feelings. I walk to the store once per day (15 blocks) just to get air and see the sun. I have no car and live in a crappy town with nothing exciting to do. Everything fun is in 30 miles in any direction. When I have a car, I will be happy to do more. You will probably call that an excuse, but I am not walking 30 miles.

I WILL be and STAY a better man. Because I am. I have not learned everything. But I know my mistakes, I understand SO much more than I ever did. I write myself letters and re read them just to hear myself talk, and then rewrite it then put it away.

I will not make these mistakes again - with her or without.
(the response to this was that I was not being berated, rather challenged.)

---P---
"I do sense you want some form of guarantee that you WILL get her back if you do X and Y, and it simply does not work that way."

Yeah, i knew it, it's just something I did not want to accept.

See, I don't get this^^. I see your wife's actions as unfortunate BUT not incomprehensible at all. Nor do I see her actions as "unhealthy", although I must concede, I don't know the OM. But if he is kind to her, and attentive to the kids and would make a good provider, then I could argue that her choice is quite rational.

I think what I really mean by this is he is married, he cheated on his wife 2x. I know it does not matter. But I think a part of me wants to believe that they are doomed to fail. Not that it would result in us together - just Not him being her happiness. Selfish I think.

You didn't know that moms want the dads to spend time alone with the kids?

I did, but it was always in home. I never took them to the park or the store (all 3 at once). And when we were home , I didn't do alot then either. I mean I did play with them, it was just sporadic, and not nearly as much as it could have been. I was not a bad father, just not a very good one.

About her faults. I understand. I know I am not 100% blame. I might need more help with this yet.

When did you attempt that? How did you fail? Can you elaborate on how sweet you were to her?

When it came to things that were immediate I would not hesitate. I.E going to the store to get her something. Moving a piece of furniture. Fixing something that was broken. I would always hold her hand or let her grab my arm when we would walk. i never missed a kiss before one of us left the house. I always said I love you, and called her beautiful. I used to thank her, several times a week - she'd ask why, I'd say "for loving me". I kiss her forehead at least once a day. When we hugged, I'd move her hair and kiss her neck.

I don't think you made your life about her so much as you placed your needs in her lap. Can you see why I'd say that?

I agree.. the things that mattered were helping cleaning the house. the mess in the back yard and the basement. My desk was always a mess. I didnt vaccuumm, dishes, garbage. I mean i did them, but late or delayed, after nagging. I was not dilligent.

And as for the Bills - all our money was in a joint account . .i never bought anything for myself--save for cigarettes or soda. every other penny i made when to whatever needed to be paid. .Seriously . i never had any money. . didnt need it.

And the last post to paste with substance:

Everyone has to look at their individual stitch and see how things need to be applied.

I am not sure what conversation you want to have with her. Does she still have a RO against you?

The RO was lifted now it is a Court Order - My lawyer stated that a RO is like a sword - touch it you get cut. But a Court order is like a shield - It specifically says that "peaceful contact about the welfare of the children" - for 1 year...... but lawyer says if she chooses to talk to me thats ok, but what is said cannot be in any way inferred as hostile or threatening. Which it wouldnt be, no interest in being hurtful toward her.

Are you referring to just being courteous and speaking? Having a civil discussion about plans with the kids or whatever?

No, I think we have that ok - i mean once every 2 days and only about 3 texts, but it's there. My original question after thinking about it was stupid I think. She thinks she's in love with the OM - nothing I could possibly say would matter - regardless of how true or real it was.

The idea behind the "rule" is to guide the LBS in the beginning of all this, and to hopefully help with detaching. But I think the one you may be referring to is this one:

"When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad."

As you'll notice, it is targeting couples who are still living under the same roof.

Yes, we are not living under the same roof. And that is my fault. I was not emotionally strong enough - and I knew it. I decided to leave to give her space and time - at the time I did not know of the OM at all. Moving out was a huge mistake, but at the time, I thought staying would have been due to my emotional roller coaster.

What bugs me is that now we are not under the same roof, there is NO communication at all regarding the sitch. If thats expected than Ill accept it. I think that it makes this much harder. And since she is having an Exit Affair - it is evident that she is conflict avoidant - she will hide behind that court order until she is ready to talk, or the affair dies.

Sir,

The first thing you need to do is stop following the advice on the Divorce Busting forum.
They do not have a plan for recovery from an affair and restoring romantic love.

Dr. Harley DOES have a plan, detailed in his book Surviving an Affair

Your posting is difficult to read through.
Is your wife having an affair at this time?

Yes and I a sorry for the posts, I just started a copy paste brigade. Yes she is in the fog of a PA right now.

Have you exposed her affair to family and friends?
Have you exposed to your children?
Have you exposed to the OM family and friends?

You are joking, right? We are supposed to read through the posts of other people on another forum? No thanks. If you want help here, just type out your situation and let others respond. Make your post short and to the point. We don't need a lot of information to get it.

I give this very little hope because she is a serial cheater, but this is where you should begin. Expose her affair to the workplace, using the instructions in my exposure thread AND expose to the OM's wife and his family.

You need to chose NOW whether you want to protect the job or save your marriage. You cannot have both, so make your choice. Protecting her job so you can have her money comes at the expense of your marriage because recovery is impossible as long as she works there.

Take your pick: marriage or job.

And even if you choose to save the marriage, that is a huge longshot. She is a serial cheater and this is a way of life for her. It will take a radical change on her part to fix this and I seriously doubt she will ever agree to that.

Have you PERSONALLY spoken to his wife?

And why have you not contacted his family?

Sir your first step should be to properly expose the affair.
Please read the link in MelodyLane signature: EXPOSURE 101 and then return after doing so.

I understand where you are coming from, this is the first physical affair. I know, it's not really a difference.

The issue I have with the exposure to work:

She lives in our home. She has the children. I have no access to 'her' money/check. I am living two blocks away with my mother. Our finances are in a black hole of debt (15K ish). The locks on the house were changed, and there is a court order that prevents me from being on the premises for 1 year.

Then you need to give up now. If you are choosing the job over the marriage, there is nothing we can do for you.

Mel, I apologise for encouraging him to copy and paste. I was trying to help him find a shortcut, but I probably made things much worse.

Billman, I didn't intend for you to blast this forum with your lengthy posts from elsewhere, and I certainly did not intend for you to copy and paste other people's questions and advice into this thread. It's just that I knew that information on the condition of the marriage before the current affair, your other child, your gaming addiction and the restraining order were vital, and I did not want the forum not to know about those things because you posted only the edited highlights of the affair.

This thread is now a mess and you need to start again. Perhaps the best thing is for you to post a timeline of events. Keep it to three paragraphs and include her first affair, your other child, and the more recent events that took place during this affair.

Do not, for heaven's sake, post letters that you wrote to yourself. Navel-gazing and wallowing, under the guise of creative writing, are discouraged here.

If you won't expose at work, there is no need anyway because the situation is hopeless.

I will call the HR Monday morning. I am scared out of my mind, but I will do it.

Sir you need to read the EXPOSURE 101 link in MelodyLane signature for instructions on how to expose properly.
A phone call to the HR is not the best way to expose to the employer.
Please read the link so you understand the why and how of exposure and then return.

It is a long shot, but you need to do this right. Go read my exposure thread and plan a strategic, comprehensive exposure all on the same day. If I were you, I would expose to the OM's wife, friends, family on Sunday [using the tactics outlined in my exposure thread]. Send an exposure email to her workplace tomorrow so they will get it on Monday.

That way you hit them hard Sunday and Monday. It is a longshot, but it is the only chance I see for you.

You have to expose at work, there is no way around that. Stop placing your wife's income above protecting her from some loser, that is sending a message to her as we speak.

And STOP having AO's!

I didn't read through all the info you posted, but the AO's, begging, pleading, etc. seemed to be a reoccurring theme. You really need to get a grip on that, and get control of your emotions and actions. Are you on medication for this at all?

I am not sure what AO, stands for. But at this point I am much more healed than most of my posts suggest. I am clearer headed and on the right track as of now for the most part.

This exposure is terrifying me.

We understand. It was terrifying to us too. But you don't have the luxury anymore of catering to your fears. Getting divorced and losing your family should terrify you more. We are trying to help you save your marriage, not to assuage your fears. If you allow your fears to drive your strategy you will lose.

Fear is an emotional reaction and you can't afford to allow your fears to drive you. If you do, then you won't be able to follow a plan. If you can't follow a plan, you have no hope.

She is definitely going to get furious, i understand. And will likely try and find ways to retaliate.. I hear what you are saying. Will not be easy .

How do I determine who on his FB account is worth sending message to?

You can't determine that, so make up a priority list that starts with family members, then married people. You will need to make a copy of all of his contacts NOW and save it into a text doc for safekeeping. He will shut down his page as soon as you start.

I re-read your situation and didn't realize she is living with the OM and has a restraining order against you. Based on that, I would just skip the exposure. It might get you into legal trouble.

I am not sure what I wrote that implied that.

The OM lives with His wife and 2 children. My wife lives in Our home with our 3 children.

The do Not live together.

Also the email was sent to a manager at lowes and he is going to FWD it to the store manager and HR.

Did she get a restraining order against you? Did you spend time in jail for burning her sheets?

Yes, the restraining order ended on the 27th of October. The burning of the sheets, which she allowed me to explain to her was a bad emotional reaction to the smell of his cologne on them. It was not a "murderous rage" like her father led her to believe.

After the order, it was converted to a court order that allowed us peaceful contact, but also that I am not allowed on the premises of our home for 1 year - unless she dismisses the order.

And for clarification, semantics. They were Our sheets, before he defiled them.

Tell us about the circumstances in which you come to have an "other child" (OC).

AO = Angry Outburst.

Billman: You sound like you've been a difficult husband to live with, and someone she didn't find fun to be around. You admit to rage issues and disrespect. She didn't want sex with you because she lost her warm feelings for you...over time. That, in no way, justifies her having an affair. However, now that she left, you want to be all warm and fuzzy. Life doesn't work that way, my friend.

Not many believe this, but it was confirmed with the OW.

8 years ago, we had a babysitter. I was not the husband I wanted to be and I thought I was ruining my wife's life. I questioned staying with her. I never had nor made friends and at the tie I needed someone to talk to about whether to stay married or not. I stupidly chose the baby sitter. There was No emotional connection.

My wife liked to party and drink all the time. I hated it and Never drank, ever. I did not understand the buzz about drinking so one night I decided to drink to get drunk while my wife was away with family. During my stupor, and unable to hold my liquor, the babysitter came down from the upstairs apartment (she lived with her aunt, our friend). She was hitting on me, and I said no, you have to go. But since I do not remember anything beyond this point - this is what the OW told me:

I left the living room and went to my room and passed out. The OW came in the room and tried to wake me, she could not. At this point, she got my pants off and had her way with me while I was passed out. - reminder I never drank before and had downed a 12 pack in about 20 minutes.

When I came to (very hazy to remember), I thought I had urinated in my sleep - did not understand then, after OW story it made sense.

My wife suspected I was cheating, but I never had a plan nor did I want to. A few weeks later, OW said she was raped at a party and was pregnant. My wife and I both argued over it, nether of us knew anything more than the other. I assured her the child could not be mine, and she never heard the story from the OW, so never really believed me.

Several years later, OW calls up and claims she needed help with medical for the child and named me as the father. I was still unaware of the story. And here came the blood test. I had no contact with the OW, and ended up paying support.

After our first separation, I finally contacted the OW, and she then told me what happened, but by this point there was no legal recourse, and my wife wanted nothing to do with it.

I do not expect warm and fuzzy. I am sure I was difficult. But no i disagree. My wife showed (to the best she could) love all the way up and even after this separation. And in order to fight those feeling of what she believed to be a dead marriage - she started the affair. This is an Exit affair. An utter distraction. I know my wife, after 12.5 years together and what I know true to what she wants in life and what she holds dear, this OM is the exact opposite of what she would appreciate - the Fog is deep with her.

I have improved over the years, just never enough to stay "that good husband/father" consistently. I understand my mistakes now more than ever, And also her mistakes, which I am hoping she will find and learn from on her own. Our recovery will take a very long time, I have no doubt of that - if at all. But no I am not expecting warm and fuzzy, I am expecting to end this affair.

So quite by chance, she happened to come down from the upstairs flat on the only night in your life that you have ever been drunk?

Why did she come downstairs?

And BTW, there was indeed an emotional connection with her. The connection was established when you began talking to her about your marriage.

I think that you need to do a lot of reading about the Marriage Builders approach to marriage. It is about a lot more than stopping an affair. You won't be able to stop the affair just by exposing to his friends and their joint employers, and you will never be able to attract your wife back and build a new marriage if you hold the attitudes about her that you display here.

It is disrespectful of you to tell yourself that you know your wife's mind and what she appreciates. The openly thing you know for certain is that for the last several months she hasn't wanted to be in the marriage with you. You marriage seems to have been characterised by angry outbursts, an addiction to online gaming during which you neglected your wife horribly, no real involvement with your children and financial problems.

And as for wanting her to "find and learn from her mistakes", this is another disrespectful judgement of her. Your recovery of this marriage needs to start from the position that she doesn't need to find and learn anything about what she did wrong in the marriage. All she is concerned about now is what YOU did wrong in the marriage and how you let her down. Your behaviour towards her since your discovery of the affair has hindered matters further. If you want her back you are going to have to make her fall in love with you again, not get her to "learn from her mistakes". That court order that she has is doing the job she wants very nicely; it is keeping you away from her and out of her home. She has no need to "find and learn from her mistakes" - the mistakes she is concerned about are yours, and right now, she feels better off without you.

Have you read any Harley books? Do you have a copy of Surviving an Affair and Love Busters?

Ok yes there was an emotional connection, but I was not attracted to her nor did I intend a relationship. And she was our babysitter, and her aunt was our friend. They were welcome downstairs all the time.

I do not know why she came down. I thought she should have been in school. I never asked that.

You created a child with someone else. You were unfaithful with someone with whom you were discussing leaving your wife. The story of being drunk beyond memory but able to perform the sex act, but also being taken advantage of against your will, is incredible. You have to maintain this child until he or she is an adult, to the detriment of the children of the marriage. You had a gaming addiction for a long time. You neglected your wife and kids. She is free of you now. Why would she want you back?

Oh good grief, how old was she?

You need to go to Anger Management therapy and get your rage under control. This type of therapy is successful and in short order. If you have a chance to save your marriage, it starts with you. Of course you still need to end her affair. Your wife needs to see you become the man you promised her to be, the man she envisioned you to be, when you were dating. Let her see you are improving your attitude, your career, and being the best father you can be. She'll take notice. Let's hope it's not too late.

This was my fear of posting on another forum. Everything you have said here is in part a reply to an earlier state of where I am now.

I know it is more than stopping the affair. I have and will continue to make the changes that I have realized are the cause of our marriage to fall apart. Also I know that I am not 100% to blame for our demise. I never stated nor do I plan to point out or blame her in any way. I honestly do not have any problem with her faults - but there are some she will have to term with On her own and eventually - not today - for us to heal and grow later.

I am not focusing on her problems now, I am focusing on mine, and focusing on my children. I am doing what I can in the sidelines during this tryst, and awaiting the fog to dissipate. I dress well, I am confident and loving when I am around her, and treat her like my best fried, less the sugar coat. I am not cold or rude. I am showing her the man I am, the one she fell in love with - and she is aware that I know my mistakes.

She will choose to look at me if she wishes at some point in the future - as long as I do what I need to do.

As far as what she appreciates: From what little I know of this OM, he has cheated on his wife multiple times, as well as she has cheated on him multiple times. They claim to be separated, yet live in the same home with 2 children, and most of their family has no idea they are even separated. Based on what I know of her, it seems illogical that she would choose such an unscrupulous partner. Not the point, and not my problem - i was only surmising.

I know I let her down, and I also know that in time I can provide her with the fairy tale she always wanted. In time and over time, I hope to prove that to her with actions and without words. She will make her own decision once her mind is clear of this fog, and she has time to think.

I am working on retrieving the Harley books now, I jumped into this forum on a recommendation.

For the next day you need to focus entirely on exposure.
Did you read the EXPOSURE 101 thread?

I know it is incredible, I do not believe it myself - the OW had to tell me.

The game addiction ended. I learned from that. The neglect was not how you hear it, yes I was neglectful, but not absolute. Family outings and spending time together was very common, I was just lazy and boring, but always there and available.

If I were to speculate why she wants me back - since I do not want to put words in her mouth. Because she saw the man I was trying to be, just never was able to be consistent. I did not learn how to love her right, nor did I try because at the time I did not know I was failing. I did not truly listen to her words, i did not understand. To this day I believe she still loves me, just denies it and fights it - but I think that is the fog.

She has seen some of the improvements (actions not words). The anger is in control. Now anyway. I have calmed my anxiety to the point of near non-existence. Much more to do I know. Somewhere in here she loves me, i cannot believe she truly wants a divorce - but I do believe she thinks it as the only hope she has to be happy. By being that man I claimed to have always been - consistently - maybe then she will see me differently.

I did, and yes I am still terrified, however I emailed her work already - so that is out there.

As for the OM family. I starting that list now.

And yes I read the thread.

She does NOT love you.
Dr. Harley's program can create romantic love but it needs to be followed.
Love is action. The Bible says that there is no greater love than he that would lay down his life for another. That is a high standard.

Cheating and adultery don't meet that standard.

Did you email officers of the company? (CEO, VP)

Let me guess: You were in your early 20's and the girl was a teenager.

No i did not email corporate, I emailed the Store manager.

Yes I was 25 and she was 16 - as I said I was NOT planning anything. She was smart, and I made a poor choice. A very poor choice. Please do not lecture I have heard well enough. I know.

This should be a clear sign that you can never drink alcohol again.
Have you completely quit drinking alcohol?

You need to FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS on this website and email the letter to corporate senior officers (CEO and VP)

No I do not drink that was a first and last.

Done

I would not believe this story for an iota of a second.

Have you offered to take a polygraph? You cannot possibly expect your wife to believe this wild tale based on your word, or that of your OW!

Have her write a list of questions about the nature of this A (or anything else she questions) and answer them fully. Arrange to have a polygraph to confirm your answers.

I second what unwritten is saying - you need to back up your story with a polygraph examination.

I don't believe anything less than a transformation of the way you have been living would save your marriage - or make it worth it for your wife to remain married to you. No more drinking, no more lying or privacy, no more independent behavior (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your wife), no more neglecting the children (put at least 15 hours a week on your schedule for spending quality time with your children, and your wife if possible), no more neglecting your wife (put at least 15 hours a week on your schedule for meeting your wife's intimate emotional needs), and absolutely no more angry outbursts, ever, or even being disrespectful or demanding.

That is a tall order, but it is what any man needs to do if he wants his wife to be in love with him.

As I stated the drinking was a one and done thing. I literally never drink. The lying and privacy, not sure where that was coming from but I never hid anything from her, and never lied beyond "yes I took the garbage out" - then went and did it that moment. As far as independent behavior, I barely left the house, and worked from home, so I never went anywhere save fro walmart without her. The spending time with kids is in progress. I am working on seeing them as often as I am able given the circumstances.

As far as spending time with her, I spent nights with her watching movies. She and I both neglected getting out of the house due to child watching concerns and the like. We tried to find time with each other and that was one of our biggest downfalls. And of course I cannot work on that now given the situation, but have learned it's utmost value and importance - if I ever get the opportunity again, it would be a priority.

The term "independent behavior" doesn't mean doing something by yourself - it means behaving as if your spouse doesn't exist. i.e., doing anything that they are not enthusiastic about. If you had followed this rule in the past it would be much more likely that your wife would not now be wanting to leave you.

More understood now. Of course this was not my intent, but by being lazy and selfish I see where I had done things, or not done things. There were many times she wanted to go do stuff, and I would make an excuse for some justifiable reason, and she would concede - now knowing that the concede was just admitting defeat not agreement.

Will you write Dr. Harley?

I am not sure yet what my questions should be. During the course of this affair, I have become stronger and smarter to what has cause our marriage to crumble. I have come to realizations that i never even considered an issue in the past.

I know what I must do in order or my wife to see me again as the man she fell in love with and be able to do it again in the future. My only dilemma at the moment is the waiting for the affair to end, and the chance to have real conversations with her again, conversations that are more than just about the children.

Do you have the list of OM family and friends?
Did you prepare your exposure letter?
Did you copy the letter from this website?

And with all that I am still terrified, more so of divorce as cleared up earlier.

Send it to all of the OM family and friends and then post his picture on www.cheaterville.com
You need to get moving on this so exposure is done Sunday/Monday

What do you think about the polygraph, is this something you will do?

I wouldn't have a clue how to go about it, but I would not object

I just googled 'how to find a polygraph examiner' and the first link allowed me to enter my zip code and brought up several examiners in my area. It took me about 30 seconds from reading this post.

I assume you know how to google.

I am not trying to be sassy here, but these are the differences between someone who is willing to be a bulldog to get what he wants, and someone who is too lazy to do the obvious.

Here Polygraph Testing

Did you have her charged with rape?

Do you have NC with OC and OW?

There was a DNA test, correct?