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#2828965 11/18/14 03:12 PM
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I need advice! So here goes my story: My wife and I have been married for 9 1/2 years, we currently have a 6 year old son and a 3 1/2 year old daughter. A little over three years ago my wife had an affair with a co-worker that I found out about shortly after it started. It continued on and off for the next year plus. If you read "Surviving an Affair" that is literally our story. Wife moved in with her parents for 3 months. She rented an apartment and before she moved in, she changed her mind and decided to come home. Unfortunately, we didn't have any resources and I figured she realized she made a mistake and came home to fix it. That was not the case. We have been ok at times and at times she has been very distant. Just recently she had been distant and I became suspicious. At this time, she revealed that she had lied about some of the details of the affair and that it had continued on longer than I suspected. Living with her is like a roller coaster ride. I never know what to expect. Just this morning she told me that she still has strong feelings for him but she hasn't had contact with him in over two years.

She has been reading the Surviving Affair book and at times seems optimistic. We have discussed moving but she isn't sure because she doesn't know how she feels about me. She still works at the same place. The other man works in a different building (he is married with two kids).

Any advice?

golfer6373 #2828978 11/18/14 05:17 PM
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Sorry you are here but welcome.

Who has this been exposed to?


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
golfer6373 #2828980 11/18/14 05:19 PM
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Originally Posted by golfer6373
Just this morning she told me that she still has strong feelings for him but she hasn't had contact with him in over two years.

The reason for this is right in your own post. Here:

Quote
She still works at the same place. The other man works in a different building (he is married with two kids).

I don't believe her that they haven't had contact. And even if they hadn't working at the same company which likely affords easy access to each other even if in the form of email, company meetings etc will keep your WW triggered and in the fog.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
SusieQ #2828996 11/18/14 07:08 PM
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Most people know. When I originally found out, I didn't want people to think bad of her, so I didn't tell anyone other than her immediate family. One year later when I found out it was still going on it pretty much became public knowledge.

golfer6373 #2828997 11/18/14 07:10 PM
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You are probably right about contact. I want to believe her but....


golfer6373 #2828999 11/18/14 07:11 PM
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Any of you that have dealt with this with a Christian spouse, how do they reconcile it. Wrecking two families???

golfer6373 #2829004 11/18/14 07:34 PM
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Has the OMW been told?

Is the OM a supervisor over WW?

Was the affair exposed at work?

You need to move your family far away from the OM and the scene of the crime. WW's job has to go.

golfer6373 #2829007 11/18/14 07:39 PM
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Originally Posted by golfer6373
You are probably right about contact. I want to believe her but....

But do you want to believe truth? Is truth important to you?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


golfer6373 #2829012 11/18/14 07:47 PM
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Originally Posted by golfer6373
Any of you that have dealt with this with a Christian spouse, how do they reconcile it. Wrecking two families???

Welcome to MB, golfer.

Whether or not a spouse is Christian, doesn't change the dynamics of the affair nor the steps needed to break it up and recover the marriage. Christians are sinners like everyone else. Being a Christian doesn't matter when a spouse is smoking the adultery crack pipe.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
black_raven #2829019 11/18/14 08:14 PM
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Originally Posted by black_raven
Originally Posted by golfer6373
Any of you that have dealt with this with a Christian spouse, how do they reconcile it. Wrecking two families???

Welcome to MB, golfer.

Whether or not a spouse is Christian, doesn't change the dynamics of the affair nor the steps needed to break it up and recover the marriage. Christians are sinners like everyone else. Being a Christian doesn't matter when a spouse is smoking the adultery crack pipe.

I can vouch for this. My wife was the godliest woman I knew before she started smoking the adultery crack pipe.


Remarried 7/16
Thanks MB!
nmwb77 #2829022 11/18/14 08:28 PM
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If it is going on again, do I confront her or go for exposure?

nmwb77 #2829026 11/18/14 08:41 PM
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Originally Posted by golfer6373
Any of you that have dealt with this with a Christian spouse, how do they reconcile it. Wrecking two families???
Okay since you asked...Christian here. And absolutely reconciled with doing what the Bible tells us to do...

Ephesians 5:11 was the biggest catalyst for me: Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them.

I didn't expose properly at first either, and what that accomplished is a six month long false recovery.

Once I exposed, every day since then, my husband has come back to God and back to me.


DDays - six months of them
THANK YOU God and Marriage Builders.
We never knew that it could be this good! smile
golfer6373 #2829027 11/18/14 08:41 PM
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She already knows what she is doing, so you don't tell her.
You expose far and wide, no kid gloves, no warning, tsunami of exposure.
If it is work related, you expose to the multiple positions of power including VP's and especially HR.



golfer6373 #2829028 11/18/14 08:41 PM
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Originally Posted by golfer6373
If it is going on again, do I confront her or go for exposure?

It never stopped though. They work together! That is like the alcoholic changing the name of his drinks to "business drinks" and pretending to be sober. It will never work.

In your case, I would let everyone know about the affair and start making plans to move away. Can you sell your home and move to another town with your kids? Have you exposed the affair to this mans wife and their employer?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


golfer6373 #2829029 11/18/14 08:44 PM
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Originally Posted by golfer6373
If it is going on again, do I confront her or go for exposure?


That WW still works with the POS...your marriage doesn't stand a chance. There is no way she has not had contact with OM for the last two yrs given that he is right next door. You are in denial if you believe that garbage.

She has to quit her job and needs to follow EPs in your marriage. If you aren't going to get serious about ending contact and implementing EPs, then there is no hope anyway.

What are you going to require of her to stay married to you?



BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
black_raven #2829036 11/18/14 09:19 PM
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I am new. What are EPs?

black_raven #2829038 11/18/14 09:24 PM
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What are you going to require of her to stay married to you?

[/quote]
I really like that thought process! I have never looked at it like that?

MelodyLane #2829039 11/18/14 09:26 PM
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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by golfer6373
If it is going on again, do I confront her or go for exposure?

It never stopped though. They work together! That is like the alcoholic changing the name of his drinks to "business drinks" and pretending to be sober. It will never work.

In your case, I would let everyone know about the affair and start making plans to move away. Can you sell your home and move to another town with your kids? Have you exposed the affair to this mans wife and their employer?

Eventually I could, but I am tied to my job right now. Need to provide for the family. Not that easy to sell the house.

golfer6373 #2829040 11/18/14 09:29 PM
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The man's wife knew the first time it came out. My wife actually went and told her and apologized. That didn't stop her though a couple of months later. The work place knew (they are both teachers). Again, this was two years ago.

golfer6373 #2829042 11/18/14 09:35 PM
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Originally Posted by golfer6373
I am new. What are EPs?

extraordinary precautions...measures to affair proof your marriage


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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