Hello all.

I have posted here a couple of times before. We have tried to follow some of the concepts back in the months following our separation in March. That is the only other time my husband has left me. We haven't been applying much of the MB concepts since then, but nonetheless I thought this would be a good place for some advice and support.

So he left yesterday after me trying to talk to him about something that bothered me. I calmly tried to talk to him about his excess video game time lately. He got mad and said he didn't know what to say and so I said I didn't want to be with him, which I didn't mean, only said it because I was so angry. And he said fine, showered and left. I tried to get him to stay but out he went.

I tried calling him a ton of times, and begged him to come back to talk. He would do none of it and would only text me. Nothing of any real value. Basically divorcing me through text message. He goes on saying some really Mean and hurtful things. He says I'm still so controlling, all I do is complain and say everything is his fault, etc. Almost all of the things he lists I haven't done since before he left in March! I've fixed all of my major issues. Meanwhile he hasn't really worked on anything. I honestly am starting to believe that he thinks people aren't right for each other if it's not magically perfect on its own without any work, which no lasting relationship is. That's also one of the things he said, is that we just aren't right for each other.

So since then he has gotten quite a bit of his stuff. He is staying with a family member of his. But also yesterday hours after this happened I see that he changed his Facebook password which has never been changed in our whole 4 year relationship. He clearly is doing something he doesn't want me to see. We have access to all of each others accounts by the way. Always have. Then to top everything off I see just hours ago that he adds a girl he works with on facebook also. We both don't talk to people of the opposite sex, and have always felt the same way about the topic. This is also a girl that has been recently texting him outside of work about "work" things that are not something she needs to be texting him about especially when he's off work. Also they sat together with the rest of his coworkers at a meeting recently. He also sent an inappropriate text to this girl saying he had fun with her on a work shift and that he will see her Friday, referred to her as a "miss" and used a smiley face. When I got mad about it he told me that he had been helping her to get promoted and had been hard on her and didn't want her to be mad at him. What?! Also, he had mentioned she was the one who kept bugging him and he had no interest in being friends or anything. He also mentioned she had a boyfriend but when I just looked at her Facebook it says she is single.

So now with all of this information I really am thinking that he is at the very least talking to her and maybe having an affair im not sure. Before we separated yesterday he only went to work and home. Oh also since the previous separation I have been using teensafe to help monitor his phone so I would know if I can trust him. Well, he reset his phone today because it got too unorganized apparently. So now I can't monitor anything. I think that the real reason is he knew I wouldn't be able to anymore.

I obviously love him more than anything and want him back but I don't know about this girl situation. We have been together for 4 years married for 3 and have a 3 year old together. He is 23 turning 24 on Christmas and I am 22. Just in case any of that matters. So I'm needing some advice on where to go from here and what I should do about all of this. And if it sounds like there is an affair going on.

Thanks. I know this post Is a little disorganized but this just happened and there's a lot to remember.

It definitely sounds like he is having an affair with this women.

Can you afford a PI? They could get the information in a matter of days.

It depends. With everything going on he would notice if I withdrew any money. How much are we talking? And I would probably still want to stay with him regardless...but I just don't know until I know for sure.

But to be completely honest probably not. If he found out he would definitely be done I think.

Hi SS. The problem here is his philosophy of marriage. He would rather leave you than stop doing something that makes you unhappy. Your suffering means nothing to him. That approach to marriage is called the freeloaders approach and will never lead to a lasting marriage. In a healthy marriage, complaints are viewed as an opportunity for improvement. In a bad marriage, they are viewed as an irritation. In your case, your H expects you to just suck it up and then punishes you when you make complaints. That is the ticket to a miserable, incompatible marriage.

Check this out:

Freeloader is unwilling to put much effort into the care of his or her partner in a romantic relationship. He or she does only what comes naturally and expects only what comes naturally. It's like a person who tries to live in a house without paying rent or doing anything to improve it unless the person is in the mood to do so.

Renter is willing to provide limited care as long as it's in his or her best interest. The romantic relationship is considered tentative, so the care is viewed as short-term. It's like a person who rents a house and is willing to stay as long as the conditions seem fair, or until he or she finds something better. The person is willing to pay reasonable rent and keep the house clean but is not willing to make repairs or improvements. It's the landlord's job to keep the place attractive enough for the renter to stay and continue paying rent.

Buyer is willing to demonstrate an extraordinary sense of care by making permanent changes in his or her own behavior and lifestyle to make the romantic relationship mutually fulfilling. Solutions to problems are long-term solutions and must work well for both partners because the romantic relationship is viewed as exclusive and permanent. It's like a person who buys a house for life with a willingness to make repairs that accommodate changing needs, painting the walls, installing new carper, replacing the roof, and even doing some remodeling so that it can be comfortable and useful.

Renters believe Our relationship is temporary. You may be right for me today and wrong for me tomorrow.

Buyers believe We are together for life.

Renters believe Our relationship should be fair. What I get should balance what I give.

Buyers believe We both contribute whatever it takes to make our relationship successful.

Renters believe As needs change, the relationship may end if needs are difficult to meet.

Buyers believe As needs change, we will make adjustments to meet new needs.

Renters believe Criticism may prompt me to change if it's worthwhile for me to do so.

Buyer believe Criticism indicates a need for change.

Rentersbelieve Sacrifice is reasonable as long as it's fair.

Buyers believe Sacrifice is dangerous and to be avoided.

Renters believe Short-term fixes are fine.

Buyers believe long-term solutions are necessary.

I am going to give you an approach that will work better for you if you follow it. Your approach of chasing him and having no conditions makes you look unattractive and reinforces his bad behavior.

But first you have to understand that you have nothing to lose here. Your marriage is already over and it is just a matter of time before you get divorced. It will NEVER last with the problems you have. Your husband doesn't care about your feelings and has absolutely no boundaries around women. He drives you crazy with his opposite sex friendships and doesn't care. This is an affair waiting to happen. Sure, you might be able to successfully BEG that he come back, but it will only be on the condition that you shut up and never object to his shabby, thoughtless behavior. That is not a marriage, that is a hostage situation that won't ever last. You will be miserable.


Dr Harley would tell you that the basic problem is that your husband doesn't care for you.

So, lets start from that place and try a more strategic approach. One of the reasons your husband doesn't care is because you have lowered the bar so low by tolerating his crap treatment. When you tolerate his shabby behavior, you essentially reward him and train him to treat you like crap. You have also chased him, which makes you look even more unattractive.

That is where I would begin. I would raise the bar and make him pay a price to get back into the marriage. If he won't pay that price, [ie: change his behavior] you are headed to divorce anyway. But if you raise the bar and give him CONDITIONS to come back, you will give him motivation to come back.

Could you put aside your emotions and follow such a plan? I believe it is your best bet at ever having a marriage. You will never have a marriage with someone with a freeloaders approach, so I see this as your only change to turn him around.

Safetysuit,

I am about 7 months out from what you JUST Described. Your husband is definitely having an affair. My husband also pulled same stuff, "If you love me, you'll set me free", "you're controlling', etc. Yeah, he doesn't get how marriage works.

Please take Melody's advice. It will not get any better with begging and he may want to come back...but only without any real conditions and expectations. You'll find that that will not work for you in the long term.

x2

I too, have been the person "making it work" and it only got more painful for me. Please listen to the more experienced posters.

Dr Harley tends to see an abrupt separation as a red flag for an affair. He says he's nearly always right.

Men don't leave over a small spat like that. Unless it's a good opportunity to explore other options. I would hire a PI.

Interesting that he's been gaming a lot. Does he play online with people? We've seen a lot of affairs start that way.

Safe, if this is an affair, you'll find that his leaving is supposed to be your cue to know your place and ask for only half his time.

Women in affairs leave men in full, falling completely for the lover. Being more able to segregate their feelings, men tend to enjoy juggling. They only half leave. However since his mistress has low expectations of his time and has no standards, he wants more of that from you too.

You'd be a fool to, of course. Snoop and destroy.

Whoa. I just realized that my topic had been moved, so sorry for my late reply. This is a lot to take in..but, I know it's easy to look from the outside and think that's the case. And it may be. But there's really no way for you to know for sure, I don't even know for sure. I don't believe that my husband just doesn't care about or love me. I'm not being in denial. I think love and relationships are very complicated and I could never say whether someone really loves someone else. But it is a lot to think about. He has been texting me today worried about our son and thinking that he is "taking away the dad that he loves". I have been trying to point out that it's safe to come back and that things can be worked on. He has worked on things and made good progress before but then stops at other times.

I am unsure of the point of this statement since its not relevant to the issue at hand. And relationships are really not complicated at all. The path to a great relationship is truly very simple and straight forward. I know you don't know this, but take it from an experienced standpoint, its not as fuzzy as you seem to think.

I spent a lot of time [time that I could not really afford] writing those posts and thinking about your situation today. I would appreciate a response.

Sorry. I'm not sure that making him do things to come back would be a good idea. That would just make him not come back. From his point of view I'm the one in the wrong and he hasn't done anything. I'm the horrible person who he just couldn't take anymore.

And my point was that you said he didn't care about me. I was saying I do not agree. I know he loves me or would've left a long time ago.

It is only a good idea if you want to stay married. Your marriage won't last if he doesn't do those things. If he won't come back on the basis that he has to show care and respect, then you don't have a marriage. All you have been doing is rewarding and encouraging horrible behavior on his part, while making yourself look terribly unattractive to him.


His actions reflect a complete lack of care. I think you are probably the least objective person on this thread and can't see what others can plainly see. I understand that is hard for you to accept.

Anyway, I gave you my best shot. It is your marriage to lose and your choice to reject the advice you get here. It is all the same to me. Best of luck to you.

I'm not rejecting it. It's just a lot to think about. He doesn't even want to come back at this point so I just don't understand how listing requirements would make him want to come back..

What about finding out who he is having an affair with?

Making him want to come back is not your job and should not be your goal.

Your goal should be to make him realize that if he wants to keep you he has to start showing care for you.

If he's not going to care for you, then that would be the right outcome. That would be a win for you.


That's okay - he can think whatever crazy thing he wants to think. There is no need to try to straighten him out about it. Just keep him away from you until he doesn't think crazy things like this, and don't let him say such crazy things to you. You don't want to be married to a lunatic.

The goal of the separation is to make you walk on eggshells. To settle for less care. I am sure he loves you but he wants you to do without care. He has literally moved that care away.

If he thinks you are a horrible person for wanting to come before computer games, you have a choice. Settle for being second best and wait for the marriage to die of resentment over the long term - or insist that he cares for you now.

You and I know that it isn't really about you. It's his behaviour that's changed and I'm afraid it does very strongly imply an affair. The process of demonizing the woman at home for no reason, but then reaching out with texts for reassurance that things won't change - we've all seen this. Just check it out. Then you'll know one way or another.

You are not being strategic. You would be surprised how he behaves when you stop chasing him and begging and behaving in such an unattractive manner. Men are turned off by women who chase them. As it is now, he believes you are an "option" and he can treat you however he wants and come back when the spirit moves him. That does not motivate him to change.

The goal is not to make him want to come back but to make him want to CHANGE. It shouldn't be to get him at any cost. If that is your goal, you will end up divorced. As it is now, you are on a slow path to divorce because your marriage won't ever survive with a relationship freeloader.