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golfer6373 #2829043 11/18/14 09:40 PM
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Originally Posted by golfer6373
The man's wife knew the first time it came out. My wife actually went and told her and apologized. That didn't stop her though a couple of months later. The work place knew (they are both teachers). Again, this was two years ago.

So have you personally spoken to the wife and the school authorities? How do you know they all know?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


black_raven #2829045 11/18/14 09:44 PM
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How am I supposed to handle this, the evidence that I have is that she saw him again. I only know about one time. Is there probably more, yes. Do I have the proof, no. Again, confront or expose?

MelodyLane #2829046 11/18/14 09:49 PM
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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by golfer6373
The man's wife knew the first time it came out. My wife actually went and told her and apologized. That didn't stop her though a couple of months later. The work place knew (they are both teachers). Again, this was two years ago.

So have you personally spoken to the wife and the school authorities? How do you know they all know?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2829053 11/18/14 10:10 PM
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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by golfer6373
The man's wife knew the first time it came out. My wife actually went and told her and apologized. That didn't stop her though a couple of months later. The work place knew (they are both teachers). Again, this was two years ago.

So have you personally spoken to the wife and the school authorities? How do you know they all know?

I have not spoken to either. I know that my wife told his wife. The guy is a big time coach in the school district, so it was all over town. Pretty much everyone knew.

golfer6373 #2829055 11/18/14 10:18 PM
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Originally Posted by golfer6373
[
I have not spoken to either. I know that my wife told his wife. The guy is a big time coach in the school district, so it was all over town. Pretty much everyone knew.

I would have a chat with her pronto and share all the intel you know. I would also expose him to the school board and everyone else. Everyone should know about the affair.

You have no idea what his wife knows and that is why you need to speak to her and exchange your information.

To be quite frank, I see that you have been enabling your wife for about 3 years so I don't have any hopes that you will fight for your marriage. The OM has been able to destroy your marriage without objection from you. That is not very encouraging.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


golfer6373 #2829057 11/18/14 10:23 PM
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Have you been tested for STDs?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



MelodyLane #2829058 11/18/14 10:27 PM
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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by golfer6373
[
I have not spoken to either. I know that my wife told his wife. The guy is a big time coach in the school district, so it was all over town. Pretty much everyone knew.

I would have a chat with her pronto and share all the intel you know. I would also expose him to the school board and everyone else. Everyone should know about the affair.

You have no idea what his wife knows and that is why you need to speak to her and exchange your information.

To be quite frank, I see that you have been enabling your wife for about 3 years so I don't have any hopes that you will fight for your marriage. The OM has been able to destroy your marriage without objection from you. That is not very encouraging.

The sad thing is that I can't argue with you. My defense is ignorance. Didn't find this website/book until two weeks ago when i realized all of the mistakes that I have made.

golfer6373 #2829060 11/18/14 10:30 PM
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Originally Posted by golfer6373
[

The sad thing is that I can't argue with you. My defense is ignorance. Didn't find this website/book until two weeks ago when i realized all of the mistakes that I have made.

Do you think you can follow a plan now? It won't be easy, but there is a longshot. Are you willing to infuriate your wife if it might save your marriage?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2829062 11/18/14 10:44 PM
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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by golfer6373
[

The sad thing is that I can't argue with you. My defense is ignorance. Didn't find this website/book until two weeks ago when i realized all of the mistakes that I have made.

Do you think you can follow a plan now? It won't be easy, but there is a longshot. Are you willing to infuriate your wife if it might save your marriage?
I don't have any other options!

golfer6373 #2829064 11/18/14 11:00 PM
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ok, buckle up! I would first go read my exposure thread and start planning an exposure. The people you will want to expose to would be: the OMW, the OM's family [via facebook], the school authorities, your family and close friends. Use the templates on my exposure thread.

Once it is exposed, tell your wife she has to leave that job. Start putting a plan in place to move somewhere else. Look for other jobs in other cities and get moving on that. It might take a while to get moved, but in the meantime, she can leave that job and end all contact.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


golfer6373 #2829069 11/18/14 11:27 PM
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Originally Posted by golfer6373
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by golfer6373
The man's wife knew the first time it came out. My wife actually went and told her and apologized. That didn't stop her though a couple of months later. The work place knew (they are both teachers). Again, this was two years ago.

So have you personally spoken to the wife and the school authorities? How do you know they all know?

I have not spoken to either. I know that my wife told his wife. The guy is a big time coach in the school district, so it was all over town. Pretty much everyone knew.

Then your WW shouldn't mind you talking to the BW or anyone else about her affair wink so contact the BW, school, school district, etc and properly expose.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
#2829184 11/19/14 02:19 PM
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After the affair has been revealed, how much do I want to know? For those of you that have gone through this, did you ever get too much detail?

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Originally Posted by golfer6373
After the affair has been revealed, how much do I want to know? For those of you that have gone through this, did you ever get too much detail?
Well everyone is different, but you need to at least know who the AP was and what avenues they used to carry on the affair. You need to know to make sure all avenues are closed and EPs put in place to affair proof your marriage.

What details you ask otherwise is up to you. Some posters need to know every detail and some don't. If your WW is completely transparent and answers all your questions, that is a good sign that she's remorseful and ready for recovery.

Just remember to do it all in one sitting and then when all questions have been answered to never bring the affair up again.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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No I never got too much detail. I wanted to know vs wondering about x, y, and z. The details hurt but it's the truth of what happened and helped me put some things to rest in my head.

Also, you are better off sticking with your original thread to ask questions so posters can understand your story.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
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You need to know pretty much everything about the affair. Get it early in the process. Ask to your satisfaction.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Threads merged. Please stick to one thread.

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OM is a big time local football coach....

Go to the press.

Maybe you'll get lucky and OM will leave town in shame. I'm sure somewhere among all the parents of the kids this guy coaches are one or more betrayed spouses that would just love to take out their frustrations on the publicly exposed wayward that has influence over their children. I know I wouldn't like it.





FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered

"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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Golfer,

I agree with Melody in that you need to know everything. I let my W's affair slide without asking too many questions 20+ years ago and now I'm stuck with W giving me contradictory stories from time to time and new details leaking out every so often. Your imagination will work overtime creating details if you don't get the facts.

You also need to relay those details to the OMW, who will be able to cross check their accuracy. Ultimately get a polygraph for your WW.

I also think you need to very publicly expose the OM so that he is forced out of his coaching position. This needs to brought before the school board and widespread emails.

If your child was one of his players then it is an even more sever abuse of his position of trust and responsibility. Some coaches use their contact with the players Mothers as an endless source of affairs. This OM needs to be taken down.

God Bless
Gamma

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Originally Posted by Gamma
Golfer,

I agree with Melody in that you need to know everything. I let my W's affair slide without asking too many questions 20+ years ago and now I'm stuck with W giving me contradictory stories from time to time

You're not supposed to be discussing it twenty years later!


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Markos,

You wrote You're not supposed to be discussing it twenty years later!

I agree with that, and for the most part I don't, however after 20+ years my W feels entitled to keep her secrets with OM2, and I've never felt that I got the story to my satisfaction. She can also now claim that she forgot as an easy out.

Also every so often cute details come out like what was in OM2s bedroom at the time of the affair, wait a minute "nothing happened" but you were where?

God Bless
Gamma

Last edited by Gamma; 11/21/14 11:57 AM.
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