Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 3
H
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
H
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 3
I am 27 and my husband is 29. We have been married almost 7 years but have been together since high school. We have 2 daughters 10 and 3.Five months ago I found out my husband was having an affair. Over the past few years he had developed a drinking problem. He never drank at home but would go out with friends. It steadily became worse and worse and was a constant source of argument between us. It started with him only going out maybe once a month but over the course of a couple years it got to the point where he was going out 2 or 3 times a week and getting so drunk that many times he couldnt come home that night or even worse he would drive home drunk. I never believed he was cheating on me though. Since he wasnt exactly an alcoholic he refused to admit that he had a problem.
Then one day he tells me that he doesnt feel like he is in love with me anymore and wants a separation. I snooped through his phone and found out about the A. When i first confronted him about it he said that he wasnt in love with her and had already ended it by telling her he was married. Since he never moved out i decided to do everything i could to fufill his ENs and work things out. It actually worked and a few months later he told me he was starting to fall in love with me again. He said that he wanted to be honest with me and admitted that his affair continued for almost 2 months after i found out. He said that he would stop getting drunk and also said i could check his phone whenever i wanted to make sure he wasnt lying to me. I went through his phone and found out about another affair that happened prior to the first one i found out about. Actually my husband has been cheating on me in various ways for the past 2 years. It started with an addiction to porn and moved on to sending innappropriate pictures back and forth between various women. Then as the drinking got worse he would occasionally kiss and make out with women he was out drinking with. Eventually he slept with someone and it got worse from there.
I just found all this out over the course of the past few weeks and feel devastated all over again. I dont know what to do. I want the whole truth but he refused to tell all the details of who he slept with. He said those are just painfull memories that make him feel like a terrible person and he doesnt understand why i want to re hash the past and make things worse for us. The problem is that while he feels like he is in love with me now, I am really confused. I always loved him but feel like I was loving a lie. He isnt who i thought he was and I feel like all my memories over the past couple of years are fake. Also I do not feel as though he is doing enough to prevent or avoid another affair. He still wants to occasionally go out with his friends after work and thinks he can handle it. I also really want him to change his cell number but he refuses. I am very bad at saying no to him and he is very persuasive and good at getting what he wants. I dont know how to make him see that he needs to change a whole lot more than he has for things to work. In his mind things are already very different and he is feeling good. Please help me know where to go from here.

Joined: May 2008
Posts: 2,589
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 2,589
Hasfaith,

I am sorry for the events that have brought you here. However, MB is the best place to recover a marriage after an affair or affairs.

You aren't in recovery though. So, please hit the notify button at bottom and ask the mode to move your post to the surviving an affair forum. You will get lots of help there.

AM


BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108
Welcome to MB.

As armymama said, you are not in Recovery. Your WH is still lying and wants to sweep his affairs under the rug. If you are not willing to stand up for yourself and tell your WH "no", you will be signing up for a life of hell. He is a serial cheater and a drunk. If WH will not stop drinking and make radical changes to his life, there is little hope and you would be better off divorcing him.

Sorry for your pain.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
Please read all of this. Start Here First-SAA

Are any of the OW married? Have you been tested for STDs?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Originally Posted by hasfaith
I am 27 and my husband is 29. We have been married almost 7 years but have been together since high school. We have 2 daughters 10 and 3.Five months ago I found out my husband was having an affair. Over the past few years he had developed a drinking problem. He never drank at home but would go out with friends. It steadily became worse and worse and was a constant source of argument between us. It started with him only going out maybe once a month but over the course of a couple years it got to the point where he was going out 2 or 3 times a week and getting so drunk that many times he couldnt come home that night or even worse he would drive home drunk. I never believed he was cheating on me though. Since he wasnt exactly an alcoholic he refused to admit that he had a problem.

Dr. Harley considers someone to be an alcoholic when they are unable to stop drinking. In your case, you told your husband that you did not want him to drink alcohol anymore and he refuses to stop.

You state that he often drives intoxicated, placing himself and others at risk from his drunken behavior.

Here is an article that Dr. Harley wrote about alcoholism in marriage and it may benefit your circumstance: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5048a_qa.html

Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 3
H
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
H
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 3
As far as I know, none of the OWs are married. I only know the names of the 2 most recent women. His last A was with a single woman and he told me it was the only A that he had that was continuous and it went on for about 4 months from April till August. Before that it was with a woman he worked with when he had a part time job delivering pizzas. She had a boyfriend and my husband said they bonded because they were both unhappy in thier relationships. I found proof through text messages that she broke it off with him shortly after it began. He no longer works there and she isnt with the same boyfriend.

I did get tested for STDs a few weeks ago and everything came back normal.

I realized after reading over my first post that there were many things I made unclear. My husband HAS done a lot to change his behavior. He actually hasnt been drunk in almost 2 months and he has admitted that he had a problem. He admitted that he was using drinking as a way to escape his problems and to not have to feel all his guilt and pain. The problem is that he thinks he should be allowed to go out with his friends who are drinking without me also going along. For the past couple of months, everytime his friends have invited him out after work, I have always gone with him. He has been very good about telling me about these plans ahead of time so I can make arrangements for the kids and has many times declined to go with his friends because he knew I wouldnt be able to go. I guess he thinks because he has been trying so hard the past 2 months i should be willing to give him a little more freedom now.

In addition to not getting drunk, he has been doing many other things differently as well. We have been spending a lot more time together. We have been going out on dates pretty much every week for the past couple months. In the past, he used to come home from work and just hang out on the couch all evening, usually staying up a lot longer than me and often would just fall asleep on the couch. Now, he plays with the kids when he gets home while I am fixing dinner and helps me get them to bed. I have been staying up with him a while after the kids go to bed and then we go to sleep together. Overall, things HAVE been very different but there are still many things I want to change and I still feel very paranoid and scared a lot of the time. I know its going to take more time. I guess I dont understand where the line is between just "surviving an affair" and being considered "in recovery".




Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 3
H
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
H
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 3
I also wanted to let you guys know that I did expose my husbands cheating and drinking problem to our family and many friends but was very late in doing so. My husband ended his last affair in August but the drinking problem continued till the end of September. I finally gave him an ultimatem and said that if I he thought drinking was more important than me, then I was going to leave.

I didnt find evidence until the middle of October that there was a lot more to his cheating than he originally admitted to and that is when I decided to tell everyone. He was very mad at me at first and actually almost left me. He felt betrayed that I told everyone AFTER he had agreed to stop cheating and we were working on our relationship. But after a couple days he calmed down and understands why I needed to tell people what was going on.

He has apoligized countless times for hurting me. At first he made a lot of excuses for his actions but now keeps telling me he realizes it wasnt my fault and that he knows it was his fault for not revealing to me how unhappy he was and what I needed to do differently.

He basically always felt that I never made him a priority in my life and spent all my time focused on the kids and never put him first. This was totally true but of course I never really realized it. We were just stuck in a vicious cycle. He was spending far too much time working and out with friends and I was always mad at him for that. He never wanted to be home because I was always mad at him. Of course we tried to break that cycle before but I dont think either of us were willing enough to change our habits or were able to communicate enough to actually KNOW what the other needed.

Right now I am having the biggest problem telling him what I need from him without making it sound like a demand. Also, many times that I have tried bringing up things I want to change in our lives, it brings with it the subject of his cheating. I dont want him to think that the only reason I want certian things to change is because Im paranoid about him cheating again.

Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
In your last two posts you spend a lot of time defending your WH. He may have made minor changes to placate you and get you off his back, but he has at this point no intentions of making the REAL changes necessary to make your marriage safe for you.

Those changes are:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

In other words, he needs to give you ALL information about his A's that you ask for, give you full accountability and transparency in his life, and make it virtually impossible for him to ever cheat again.

Obviously, he needs to stop drinking completely as well.

Will you request that he make these changes in order to continue a marriage with you?

Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
Originally Posted by hasfaith
I want the whole truth but he refused to tell all the details of who he slept with. He said those are just painfull memories that make him feel like a terrible person and he doesnt understand why i want to re hash the past and make things worse for us.

He does not get to dictate what you need to know. YOU get to decide that. I would ask him to take a polygraph test to find out the full truth about your life. There are likely more A's that you don't even know about yet.

You can schedule a polygraph. Ask him to write you out a timeline of his A's with all the pertinent information you need/want. Write him a list of questions that you want answered. Tell him that he will be asked some or all of the questions on the polygraph (he does not need to know which ones or how many). No matter what he tells you, continue with the poly. It is very common for more details to unfold right up to the minute of the poly.

This is likely the only way you will ever get the full truth.

He is withholding information from you because 1) he is still thinking of this in a very selfish way, how telling you the truth will impact HIM and not being at all concerned with how NOT telling you the truth will impact YOU, and 2) it is very possible he has had A's with people who continue to be in his/your life and does not want you to know that.

Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
Originally Posted by hasfaith
Also I do not feel as though he is doing enough to prevent or avoid another affair. He still wants to occasionally go out with his friends after work and thinks he can handle it. I also really want him to change his cell number but he refuses.

He is NOT doing enough to prevent another affair. He has NO INTENTION of doing what he needs to do to heal your marriage, or prevent another A. He is a falling down drunk who admits to having a problem, but thinks he can handle going out with his drinking buddies and being in the same exact environment that led to multiple A's, but not drinking or having another A. Come on.


Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
Originally Posted by hasfaith
I dont know how to make him see that he needs to change a whole lot more than he has for things to work. In his mind things are already very different and he is feeling good. Please help me know where to go from here.

Here's the beauty of it. You don't have to 'demand' anything. And you don't have to make him see anything either. You don't have to do anything to change HIM, you just need to learn to set boundaries for YOU.

You are not telling him what he has to do. He can choose to do those things or not. You are just telling him what you need to stay in this marriage. Do you see the difference?

Are you willing to set boundaries for yourself? If you are not, then I am sorry, because you are going to suffer from years of alcoholism and adultery.

Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
Originally Posted by hasfaith
I guess I dont understand where the line is between just "surviving an affair" and being considered "in recovery".

Being in a recovered marriage means that you have transformed your marriage to a state that is better than it was pre A. You are both meeting each other's EN's, avoiding all LB's, spending 15 hours of UA time together a week consistently (minimum), and have affair proofed your marriage by developing habits that have integrated your lives in such a way that make an affair impossible.

You on the other hand, do not even know the full extent of your WH's A's because he hasn't even given you full disclosure yet. It is more like 'death by a thousand cuts' than surviving, and it certainly isn't recovering. Sorry frown

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
Is he in AA? I would make that one of his conditions.

Did you read Dr. Harley's material on what to do with an alcoholic?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Demands are OK at this stage. It is a demand for a faithful marriage which will benefit you both.

Don't drag it out. He either moves heaven and earth or you are not interested and he needs to consider where he will be living next week.

He thinks sorry is enough but addicts are frequently, sincerely sorry between bouts. If he is sorry in words, but not actions, then you have another D day coming.

It's best you are separated until he gets serious. Your marriage won't survive this but more importantly you won't either.

He's already cheated on you AFTER you found out. He has very poor control of this situation.

He is hoping he won't have to change. Not even his number! This unchanged state if affairs will give you a nervous breakdown.

He changes or you separate until he does.

Last edited by indiegirl; 11/25/14 01:43 PM.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.


Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 894 guests, and 66 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5