I am posting here because the anger my wife has towards me is similar to what I imagine she would have if I had had an affair. There have been no affairs on my side and I' pretty sure not on her side either.

My wife wants to divorce and I do not, we are still living in the same house but sleeping separate. I am feeling a lot of hurt and pain and would like to come up with a plan to fix things, she wants no part of it.

Here is our story:

My wife and I have been together for 30 years. We been through a lot together, including her being gang raped at gun point with me there. We have 2 great children together. Have been separated 2x, for 6 mo's each time many years ago. Both times we got back together without addressing our issues.

To make a long story short, our relationship has never been that good. I have also felt like I was not adequately supported for most of our marriage. There have been a lot of good times, but we never learned how to support each other, despite going to counselling 4x.

She told me in the summer that she wants out. She calls it a midlife crisis, wants a fresh start, is not in love with me anymore, can't forgive me for all the mean and controlling things I have said, wants someone who is nice to her, cant be herself around me, says that I hate everything about her and would be happier with someone else. She does not want to work on the relationship. She has been clinically depressed for 14 years (since her father died), and now tells me that the cause of her depression is me, once she leaves me, she will be happy. She has issues with shopaholism and binge eating/ purging. 3 of her friends have separated or divorced and are telling her how much happier they are now. They are on their 2nd and 3rd marriages now. She thinks that if she had left me a few years ago she would be much happier too now.

I spent 2 months begging, pleading, arguing, convincing. Sometimes it seemed to help, but ultimately drove her to the point of avoiding me and putting deadlines on when I should move out by. I did a massive internet and soul searching exercise.

I spent the last 2 months started to try reconnecting by stopping arguing etc, and making self improvements. Huge change, she started reciprocating, being nice and friendly, stopped talking about when I need to move out by and stopped threatening divorce. My daughter also had an emotional breakdown about her wanting to divorce me that I think had a big impact on my wife.

I plan to stay the course of using intimacy to continue to build the love back until love returns. Problem is I feel stalled, things are steady or going back slightly, she is returning to wanting to not be around me as much and leaving me with very little chance for interaction. Main problem now is she is still harbouring a huge resentment for all the things I have done to hurt her, which she bringa up every week or two. She has a list so long I don't remember many of them. Most of her hurts were during an argument, not intentional or meant to hurt her, but she took them that way. I have apologized many times over for the same hurts. There has never been physical abuse, substance abuse, violence or even much name calling etc.

She is already telling me she cant forgive me, so me telling her to either forgive me or not likely result in her saying "I cant forgive you, so lets end this".

After coming upon this site I thought getting counselling here by phone would be a great way to resolve her deep resentment and finally resolve our maritial issues. Many of the problems discussed on the site are present in our relationship. She also seems to be genuinely nice to me and trying now. I discussed the idea with her. She told me she does not want to do it. I managed to get her to warm up to the idea by saying that it is not successful for everyone, and any skills we learned would help both of us in future relationships if we do divorce. I think she is afraid that she will change her mind and things will get better, but only temporarily, and she is determined to follow through with her decision to divorce. I think if she saw what we had to commit to, she would not do it. I left it with I will send you the link, but I don't think I should unless she is ready to work on the relationship.

She works at a place where she is constantly serving customers and being flirted with. She loves her job and just recently started full time there. She has already told me her plan is to date one of them if they catch her eye, and she does not wan't me visiting her there. She says we should just be friends. I feel like I am sitting on a ticking time bomb...

Any suggestions?

How are you pretty sure? Have you snooped?
The reason I ask is because your wife is sending up several red flags by the things she is doing and saying.

These are all signs of a woman in an affair. You need to snoop. It's possible she isn't having one yet, but even if she isn't, she is very vulnerable to having one.

You need to rule out an affair first, because your next course of action depends heavily on whether or not she is having one.

I agree. You need to snoop.

Can you check her phone?

I spent first 4 weeks absolutely convinced it was an affair. She is pretty sneaky, history of lying to me, but about small stuff (I think!). I think she is very good at covering tracks. This is what I did:

- looked at her phone record history, no recurring #'s or long calls, most I could pinpoint, a few unidentified, but not recurring
- she has not lapses in time, although she could have easily prior to the dear John moment
- she swears no, and there havn't been unexplained absenses
- she said she was entertaining making up a fake affair to get me to stop trying so hard.
- her best friend says no
- my friend who frequents her workplace has asked around and heard of nothing
- looked at texts and email, nothing found (but she could easily delete these)

I have had unexpected access to her phone a couple of times and found nothing.

Pole,

Has she ever said "I love you but am not in love with you" ? Or some variation on that phrase?

God Bless
Gamma

That is exactly what she told me.

That's a red flag of an affair.

Does she have any OS friendships? Any man she talks about alot?

She talks about a few guys a lot, but most are 20 years older than her, more like fathers than partners. She is pretty mum about the men closer to her age who come in and flirt. Even her friends can't understand who she would try to date at work. She gets very friendly with a lot of her customers, telling some of them "everything" as she puts it. Small town, so word would spread pretty quickly if she started something. A lot of people know me and her through both of our jobs.

I think she is more interested in the fantasy/ idea than having actually done something after I uncovered nothing.

I'm convinced there is no affair, although an EA would not surprise me. If there was something I think it is on hold now or an EA during work hours. Even that should surface with the gossip and knowing everyone in this small town. The other red flag for me was that she wanted me out fast and in the worst way originally, first in 4 wks, then 6, then 10, and now no talk of wnen.

Is there anything else I could do to find out?

Any suggestions if there is no affair?

Thanks

Well first you need to rule out that she isn't having an affair.

If there isn't an affair, then you eliminate all your love busters and meet her ENs.

What are her complaints about you?

I'm not sure how to rule out an affair...

Her complaints are that I'm critical, controlling, and don't like her.

She has in the last month kept saying "if only you would have done this 2 years ago..." when I am supportive of her. Also says "If I could (bring back the love), I would, but I can't. Bringing up trying again and suggesting that this method is much more effective than what we had been trying did not work..

Pole,

You wrote, That is exactly what she told me.

The thing is that it is so very common, almost 100%, for the "I love you but am not in love you" to indicate at least an EA. An EA btw is just a PA waiting for an opportunity since the WW is already in love.

And again almost 100% when a WW wants their husband gone quickly it's because she wants to move in an OM or in some cases an OW.

Most posters cannot believe their spouse is in an affair initially, and waste time denying when they should be snooping.

I think from your description of your WW she works at a restaurant it could be the owner, someone who knows how to be discrete, or the kitchen staff. Don't discount the older men either, they've had years to hone their seductive skills.

Can you hire a PI to track your WW? You might also want to put a voice activated recorder in her vehicle.

God Bless
Gamma

I would look for an affair phone and place a VAR in her car. That might get you some intel. Nothing you said here convinces me she is not in an affair.

x2.

OK, I think I know now. Went out with a buddy and his good friend who I think is the OM/EA. It makes sense now, especially the timing. WW mentioned he is very good looking and she tells him everything a few weeks back. This is what I have:

- a couple of years ago OM divorced his W to be with OW. This co-incides with a crisis in our M. I had a gut instinct that I never had before that she was having an affair. Things have been going downhill between us ever since.

- OM is a lot like me in looks and demeanor (a soft spoken, easy going nice guy), but more of a womanizer, always on the lookout, does not want to commit to his current GF. I overheard W saying about the same time if she were single she would take home guys she meets at work when she needs sex and not get into a long term relationship

- OM and OMGF are having problems, she wants commitment, he does not (I met her last nite too). Which con-incides with W wanting out fast. OM has since been on and off with OMGF, which might explain W's easing up on seperation and divorce.

- W a few weeks ago said I should hookup with OMGF, since she was looking for another OM.

- W knew who I was going out with and texted, emailed and called me while I was out with them. She has had almost 0 contact with me this way in past 2 mos.

- W was still awake when I came home and asked if I had fun. This was 3 hrs past when she normally is fast asleep after getting up early for work.

She sees this guy almost daily and has for years at work (cafe). He is very personable and says he does not think or know of my wife having an PA, but would and will tell me if he finds anything out. My wife is not very communicative, so I'm not sure if OM knows of her ambitions, but I think OM is meeting her EN. I also think there are several others who are meeting her EN's at work, from firsthand experience seeing her at work, and seeing the occasional email to one of them.

My other buddy who knows us both, says there is no way OM is having PA with W, he has no interest and would not do that, they frequent the nite clubs together chasing women.

W is having a staff party next weekend, she does not want me there (she cant "be herself" with me there). But OM and OMGF will be there.

Maybe I'm reading too much into too little though, pretty sketchy...

I don't understand what this means. You went out on a DATE with another woman?

No date, I went for a night out with a few friends to a bar. OM and OMGF were there with me and 3 other guys.

Well you definitely have enough red flags towards an EA.

What route can you go to prove or disprove an affair? Hire a PI?

And you definitely need to attend that staff party with your wife.

A non-WW would never suggest her husband hookup with another woman. That's asking "permission". She is wayward.

And quite frankly, your " friends" wouldn't tell you the truth. Your friends are an ex WH, OW, and a womanizer, by your account. It would be no surprise.

OK, I am suspicious again. If its an EA, which I think is more likely than a PA, how would it be handled? Would you still confront and expose it? It could easily be rationalized with the excuse of "we're just friends". What sort of calls do people having EA's make? What does an EA look like

Best would be to have a stealth phone app, but the thought of doing that sickens me, and it wouldn't catch an "affair phone".

VAR in car is good idea, easy to do.

Any ideas on where to begin looking for an affair phone?